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Parenting/Children
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Loving very young children in our families…
21 Jan 2006 by Rod Smith / 2 Comments
1. As parents, don’t fall for the myth that moms are more important than are dads, or that moms are somehow better equipped or “more natural” with babies and small children than are fathers. Such thinking robs all the participants in the family of fully enriching each other. Fathers are as equipped as mothers to care for newborn babies and small children. If dad is not, or does not feel as if he is, I’d suggest mom get out of the way so he can learn! This, by the way, is not something the mother ought to try and teach the father. He has to learn it himself with the baby being the only teacher!
2. Teach your child to handle reasonable tasks as soon as possible. Getting shoes, placing laundry in a laundry basket, taking dishes to the sink, are tasks even the very young can learn. Applaud accomplishments with gusto! The more autonomous (self-reliant) a young child can see she is capable of being, the more of a self-starter she is likely to become. Don’t do for children (or for adults for that matter) what they are able to do for themselves.
3. Talk to children, even babies, using real words, real sentences, employing a “normal” voice. While I am sure “baby talk” serves a purpose, I’d suggest it is easier for a child to learn to speak a legitimate language, in the first place, than to have to make a transition from mom and dad’s goo-goo-gibberish to the language of the general population.
4. Throw off the “third person” act: “Mommy wants Biggie-Boo to take a tubby-tubbby-bubby-bubby!” says a mother as if she is talking for someone other than herself in an unidentifiable language. “I want you in the bathtub” is a lot less confusing. Children need parents who understand what it means to be, and have, a strong sense of “I”. Use it.
5. Tell your children, even babies, what’s going on. It is a good habit to develop even if the child is very young. Including your child in matters pertaining to his life develops within you the habit of creating an environment of cooperation and respect. Treat your toddler with the quality of respect you’d like him to offer you when he is fourteen, sixteen, twenty and thirty.
6. Play with your young child as much as possible. Include lots of physical contact. Young children need to able to totally “let go” in a parent’s arms, climb over your body; dangle upside down while totally comfortable trusting in your strength. A daily routine of physical contact enhances a young child’s ability to trust and enjoy people and the world around her. Remember children measure wealth in time enjoyed with mom and dad, in walks, in shared sunsets, shared games and in time spent wrestling with mom and dad on the carpet.
7. Dump your TV, DVD player, games and all other forms time-wasting nonsense! Your young child doesn’t need a parent on an electronic leash, whose life revolves around what’s on TV and who is unable to enjoy life without a remote in his hand or a movie blaring throughout the house, Remember, you are the kind of adult your child is most likely to become. I am astounded at the number of parents I meet who never, or seldom, read a book, and who then blame the school because their child doesn’t read. It is you, the parent, and not the teacher, who is the primary influence upon who and what your child will become. Do you really want your son or daughter to grow up unable to enjoy life without mind-numbing TV and the paralyzing power of electronic games?
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Home can be where the real hurt is ….
08 Jan 2006 by Rod Smith / No Comments
The “outside world” can be a dangerous place for children, but an exceedingly dangerous environment for children can also be their own home. While medicine cabinets, cleaning materials and unlocked swimming pool gates pose a real threat to the safety of children, the unguarded mouth of an angry adult that can do grieveous harm to a child.
A vigilant parent might lock a medicine cabinet, yet leave her anger lying all over the house for an innocent child to stumble upon. Unresolved anger in a parent, expressed through unpredictable displays of frustration and annoyance or rage, can quite effectively ruin a happy childhood – and set the next generation “on rage”!
It is in their own homes that children might be at most in danger, for it is at home they will learn about trust, and exercise the most trust. It is at home they will learn, or fail to learn, all about love. It is at home they will make the most mistakes and receive the most correction. It is at home that children will learn about fear and hurt and rejection.
Thanks for reading “You and Me” with Rod Smith
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Seven things for teenagers to accept about their parents:
05 Jan 2006 by Rod Smith / No Comments
1. They know more than you know about important matters. (I concede that you probably know infinitely more than your parents about computers, the Internet and cellular phones, but they do know more about life than you do).
2. They want the very best for you even if you do not agree with them about what is the very best for you.
3. They tend to look at long-term ramifications of almost everything while it is likely that you tend to consider the here and now as if there will be no tomorrow.
4. They tend to see the big-picture for the whole family while it is likely that you think the big picture is a close-up, celebrity head-shot, of you.
5. They want a wonderful future for you more than you probably have the capacity to even imagine.
6. Their instincts about whom you date are probably more accurate than yours. If your mother or father thinks he is a loser or she is too demanding they are probably right. You’d do well to act on their advice.
7. What they want from you is very easy to deliver if you simply take the time to discover what it is they want. -
Child screams like you have never heard before and for everything…
03 Jan 2006 by Rod Smith / No Comments
My granddaughter (under 2) and her parents are staying with us. The child screams: when she doesn’t get her own way; during the night when she wakes up; at bath time; for food; for attention. When I say scream it is so loud and lasts for so long it’s unbelievable. We cannot go to a public place. My daughter says it is in the child’s nature and she can’t do anything about because “it’s her personality.” What can I do to ease this unbearable situation we find ourselves in without hurting anybody.” (Letter edited)
Tread lightly. Making comment or assessment on another’s child (even if it your grandchild) will probably result in hurt feelings, even if what you say is not hurtful. Someone is not speaking up or standing up to the child so she is wielding more power than is good for a child.
If the screaming is rewarded, it is effective and will therefore continue. Both parents have to render the screaming ineffective or it will seem to be “her personality.” I’d suggest three days of un-rewarded screaming might break the child of this awful behavior. If mom and dad do this, your daughter might not feel so victimized by the child’s behavior.
see also:
difficultrelationships.blogspot.com
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It’s his manners, not your mothering!
02 Jan 2006 by Rod Smith / No Comments
My son (16) will not immediately send thank you cards for all the wonderful presents he received. He drags his feet and gets it done only with the threat that I am going to tell his aunts and uncles to leave him off their lists in future. What do you suggest I do?
Nothing! If your son was 13, or younger, I’d suggest you insist he obey your instructions and do whatever you expect of him. At sixteen he is certainly beyond an age where you are able to decide what kind of person he will be.
I’d suggest you stay out of what occurs between your son and his generous aunts and uncles. He is old enough to know what he ought to do, and old enough to reap whatever consequences may result from his lack of common courtesy.
Do not fall to the temptation to explain yourself (or to explain him) to his relatives. Leave it all up to him. This is a good opportunity for your son to see that it is he alone who is responsible for how he relates to others. Remember, his not sending thank you notes reflects on him and not on you. This is about his manners, not your mothering!
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Verbal log-jam
When I was a boy I’d endlessly practice the fluent delivery of my name but it seldom flowed easily from my lips. As if it was new news to me, adults pointed out my stutter. Perhaps they thought I was beginning, at that precise moment, for the first time in my life to spit from the mouth, twist at the neck, jig my head back and forth trying to expel some inane statement log-jammed between my gut and my throat.
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Life in our beloved 122
If the inside of a house (outside, too, I suppose) is a metaphor of the lives of the people who live in it – which is something I once read somewhere – gosh, are we in trouble. Our house is a mess.
I consistently clean it room by room, thinking often of the legend that the Golden Gate Bridge that says there’s some guy constantly painting it. I feel for him. While I am sure the view is wonderful I must believe that the poor guy whose doing it daily from one end to the other must find the wind and the weather quite a challenge.
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Being a white South African can come with complications
Being a white South African reared under Apartheid is no simple matter. It permeated everything for me. While I do not pretend to have been a political activist, I was always cognizant that my privileges, simply a result of being born white, were unmerited, and most unfair especially when enjoyed at the expense of others who were not. I think this unsettling truth (for I took advantage of my station in life) was somewhat of a companion to me from the age of about six or seven.
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Location, location – remembering winter in August
We live very close to our school and church, so close we can hear the school bell from our kitchen and the church bells in my bedroom.
Sometimes we walk to both and we don’t see the car for days.
I like it. I like not having to get in and out of the car. I like not having to negotiate traffic, something as synonymous with life in the USA as Disney, Fast Food, and the Fourth of July.
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Ready to adopt?
If you wait until you are ready to adopt a child you never will because you will never be ready. The baby, and only the baby, will make you ready. Reading the right books will be helpful, but “ready” magically comes upon you when a real baby is sleeping in your arms or crying in the middle of the night. If you are not ready to change diapers – and I always am amused at the big deal about this non-issue – being unprepared will last only as long as a clean diaper.
Life inside the Smith household
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