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Parenting/Children
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Loves school sport more than school work…
29 Jul 2009 by Rod Smith / No Comments
“Our son of fifteen is not a problem child, but does not do well with schoolwork. His projects are slapdash; he leaves everything to the last minute. If a project is due one week in advance he works on it the night before. He drives us to destruction. He loves sport and attends school only for that reason I am sure. What do we do? “
I say great! If your son thrives in doing his work even at the last minute, encourage him in his areas of strength. I myself found that I was a procrastinator in school and did well even though I always crammed in the last minute for my tests or assignments. For some people, that works. Teens live with so much more pressure than ever before. And I do not envy what they have to go through one bit. So if sports are what keep him in school, terrific! Unlike so many other young people, your son has found something positive that encourages him to stay in school. I say be his number one cheerleader, and trust the values you’ve taught him will work out in his personal, unique journey.
India
You could create a system that rewards him if he completes his assignments well and on time. If he enjoys sport create the system around his love of sport. Devise a contract where, if he spends a certain amount of time a day on his homework, then he would be allowed to spend the rest of the day doing sport. Decide together what grades he needs and create rewards when he reaches them. They must be achievable and also flexible. Find out what interests him and arrange a work experience in the field where he can spend time in the real world. Provide opportunities for him to discover where his passions and abilities lie and this alone may encourage him to improve his performance. It’s his life, therefore his responsibility, but guidance from parents is very important.
Midwest, USA
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Welcome home…
29 Jul 2009 by Rod Smith / 1 Comment
When Thulani was about nine months old we once entered the USA through LAX.
Speak up....
A roaming immigration officer met us in the line.
“Papers!” he demanded without looking at me.
“I beg your pardon,” I said.
“Papers? Passports? Where’s the mother?” he said.
“Sir,” I said, “The courts in Indiana decided that the whereabouts of my son’s mother is no one’s business.”
The officer stormed off with our passports, only to return to repeat the question.
“I have told you,” I said. “Now, tell me officer,” I continued, “What are your worst fears?”
I pointed out that the legitimacy of the passport ought to calm his worst fears. Getting a little more than irritated I noted:
“I can’t figure out if this is sexism or racism? You’re not checking other parents and babies. Is it you can’t imagine a man traveling with a young baby or it is that we are different colors. Both will make a good story for Time,” I suggested.
Then, having slept through all this in a backpack on my back, Thulani awoke.
“Dadadadadadadadaaaa,” he said into my ear and the official stuffed our passports into my hands and left us alone.
He never did answer my questions.
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Our blended family is working….
28 Jul 2009 by Rod Smith / No Comments
I regularly receive very encouraging mail from men and women who have worked hard, sometimes employing a thought or principle read in this column, to become as happy and productive as possible with their family. Here’s one I received today:
Take up your life
“I am part of a blended family and have been for 17 months. After doing a lot of reading (and with some help from Rod) about coping with issues in our family, we have settled into a wonderful life. I have realised now how very blessed my boyfriend and I are in that we have achieved something so amazing in a short space of time. We are not without our problems like most families but they are small, normal, and easily solved. We have thrown five children into the mix. They fight like cat and dog but also love each other dearly and refer to each other as brothers and sisters. They protect each other and stand by each other and sometimes do unite against my boyfriend and me. So, for those of you in blended families, they can work and bring so much love and joy to everyone in them.” -
How do I get my daughter (7) to open up to me?
15 Jul 2009 by Rod Smith / 1 Comment
“I am a single mother of two girls (“C” 3 and “K” 7). I know children go through phases like trying to define themselves and find their place in the cycle of it all. “K” the 7-year-old is super defiant, but with only me. With her paternal grandmother, with whom I have my own issues with as she is a control freak, and seems to think she can dictate the comings and goings of everyone’s lives, but that’s another matter altogether, she is as sweet as anything. Whether I ask her to do, or not to do something, in a nice and sweet and calm manner, or whether it’s at the point where I’ve asked so many times and my voice is raised, she will always tell me no! She doesn’t talk to me. She shouts at me whether we are talking or arguing. She turns everything into an argument. I have discovered she is quite the little liar and frighteningly good at it and has a bit of a vindictive streak. I know all siblings have the ever-present sibling rivalry, but it seems to me that K is a bit over the top with her rivalry towards her sister. She constantly bullies her, punches, smacks, pinches, you name it, and she does it. Whether C (my younger daughter) has done anything or not, K will just walk up to her and hurt her. C does her fair share of pushing buttons, I am in no way choosing sides, I love both my daughters more than anything else in life. K, I think, has a few underlying anger issues in her little life, which I find very puzzling indeed. How can one so very young carry so much anger? I have tried to talk to her, but she always shuts up, or changes the subject. How do I get her to open up to me and talk things through with me? It feels as if there is a wedge between us (already), and we’re growing apart. I do not want that to happen, ever! How do I help her get over her anger? How do I teach her respect, for herself and others as well as her belongings? I am at the end of my tether. I have told her that if she does not make an effort to get herself together, and respect me and follow the rules, then I will send her to boarding school next year. And she doesn’t seem to care, she doesn’t think I will go through with it. Please help.”
Rod: Your daughter’s paternal grandmother is not “another matter.” It is THE story. Your child is trapped in the fray of a battle of wills between you and her grandmother. If this is crazy, dear mother, let me know. I am very open to being wrong. If it is even partially true, let’s talk more before you make any moves. Any moves you make to de-triangle yourself and your daughter must be sustainable and reasonable or, when the plans fail or you are unable to follow through on your decisions, things will go back to square one and you will be more deeply entrenched in patterns you already find unhelpful. Also, grandmother is NOT the problem but is as much a part of the problem as you are. This is something you have both found yourself in progressively. The solution does not depend on cutting anyone out, breaking off from anyone – but it will involve strong resolve to clarify roles. It is my hunch that grandmother has “found herself” through your daughter(s) and this, if true, will be a pivotal point of power for any child.USA
Gideon (India): Threatening to send a 7-year old child to a boarding school because of her ill behavior will only widen the chasm between you and your daughter. Not to mention add to the anger, resentment, and rejection that she will feel either now, or later in her life. I suspect and presume, as a single mother, that there has not been a steady father figure in her life? I have encountered many young children of single mothers who, having been given even just an ounce of attention by a positive male role model, will feel a sense of acceptance and love that can come from a nurturing male figure. My encouragement, if you haven’t already done so, is to ask an uncle, a trusted male friend or relative, if he can spend some quality time doing something that is fun and safe with her. See how she responds to interacting with a “father-like” figure who can speak words of encouragement, teach her mutual respect, and inspire to her to be a happier person. And hopefully, sending her away wouldn’t have to be a “last resort”.India via Hawaii
Jean (Australia): There are many questions that come to mind as I read your letter. You obviously have a child who is very angry and I wonder what is under that anger. You don’t mention her father but what part does he play in her behavior? Is there pain because of unexplained absences? Can you trace her anger and defiance back to a specific event or time? Often when a child can’t put into words his or her confusion about the reality in the home, or the insecurity that results because unexplained events, intense emotions are the way he or she will communicate what’s going on inside. How about others’ anger? Is she able to see anger expressed in a healthy way?
ACT, Australia
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Ex and new husband turn my children against me….
13 Jul 2009 by Rod Smith / No Comments
“My ex-wife and her new husband misrepresent me to my three children (8, 10, and 12). When I see my children on weekends they are guarded and anxious. Where do I start to get my children to see they are being turned against me?”
It would be a good idea to sit down and talk with your ex-wife about how this situation is impacting you. The most important thing is that the adults work at the best solution for this transition for the children. Separation and divorce hits kids deeply. Remarriage on both parents’ parts must be as difficult, or even more so. It’s important for the children to talk about how they feel and what they think about what’s happening in their lives. Knowing that both sets of parents are working together will be helpful to the adjustments that are needed.ACT, Australia
Avoid recruiting the children into the inevitable crossfire. This issue, real or perceived on your part, is an adult matter, and it is to be addressed by the adults. It requires an on-going conversation among all the adults. I do not mean dialogue through Email or phone calls. I mean regular, scheduled, face-to-face discussions; meetings where all the adults (parents and step-parents) sit together around a table and give focused time to discuss how each adult will play his or her part in appropriately providing and caring for the children. Is this difficult? Of course it is. Parenting is for adults. Step-parenting and co-parenting is for super-adults! The more the children see all the adults working together, talking together, and providing each other with appropriate support, the more likely the children are to turn difficult circumstances into personal strengths and assets – and the more likely they are not to “side” with one parent over another.USA
It is sad when children are asked to split their loyalties between parents. I wonder how they really feel about it? I can hear your fears that they are being turned against you… The best thing you can do is to continue being the best father you can be for them; no bribes, no turning them against their mother and new step-father, no spoiling them. Trust them. Children have an uncanny way of sensing when they are with people who are genuine. Take them to the park, have fun with them, respect them, and teach them to respect you, and their mother, and stepfather. They will then have no reason to feel guarded and anxious around you, and you will have no reason to feel anxious and defensive around them.
Scotland
Your ex-wife and you are the parents, hopefully the adults in this equation. Therefore, it is your responsibility to find time and maturity to be able to talk about what is bothering you or what you suspect to be happening. The children have gone through a lot with your divorce and what they need is parents who can communicate with each other as their care givers. Talking to your kids will only serve to pull them further into the circle of anxiety, and doesn’t give them a chance to get out of the middle of your dance with your ex-wife. Talking about a person when he or she is not present is gossip, and is an attempt to gain emotional closeness. Don’t do as your ex has apparently done. Sort the matter out with her and her new husband, and leave your kids out of it. They will be very grateful to you for it.Midwest, USA
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Get Rod on FaceBook and/or Twitter
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Verbal log-jam
When I was a boy I’d endlessly practice the fluent delivery of my name but it seldom flowed easily from my lips. As if it was new news to me, adults pointed out my stutter. Perhaps they thought I was beginning, at that precise moment, for the first time in my life to spit from the mouth, twist at the neck, jig my head back and forth trying to expel some inane statement log-jammed between my gut and my throat.
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Life in our beloved 122
If the inside of a house (outside, too, I suppose) is a metaphor of the lives of the people who live in it – which is something I once read somewhere – gosh, are we in trouble. Our house is a mess.
I consistently clean it room by room, thinking often of the legend that the Golden Gate Bridge that says there’s some guy constantly painting it. I feel for him. While I am sure the view is wonderful I must believe that the poor guy whose doing it daily from one end to the other must find the wind and the weather quite a challenge.
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Being a white South African can come with complications
Being a white South African reared under Apartheid is no simple matter. It permeated everything for me. While I do not pretend to have been a political activist, I was always cognizant that my privileges, simply a result of being born white, were unmerited, and most unfair especially when enjoyed at the expense of others who were not. I think this unsettling truth (for I took advantage of my station in life) was somewhat of a companion to me from the age of about six or seven.
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Location, location – remembering winter in August
We live very close to our school and church, so close we can hear the school bell from our kitchen and the church bells in my bedroom.
Sometimes we walk to both and we don’t see the car for days.
I like it. I like not having to get in and out of the car. I like not having to negotiate traffic, something as synonymous with life in the USA as Disney, Fast Food, and the Fourth of July.
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Ready to adopt?
If you wait until you are ready to adopt a child you never will because you will never be ready. The baby, and only the baby, will make you ready. Reading the right books will be helpful, but “ready” magically comes upon you when a real baby is sleeping in your arms or crying in the middle of the night. If you are not ready to change diapers – and I always am amused at the big deal about this non-issue – being unprepared will last only as long as a clean diaper.
Life inside the Smith household
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