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Grief
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Stay out of control…
05 Dec 2007 by Rod Smith / 4 Comments
“I want to save my marriage. Our situation has risen to a new level with issues of jealously and trust. He takes my car keys, he checks up on me, I no longer have friends around, and am no longer allowed ‘ladies nights.’ My brother is not allowed to visit. My husband doesn’t want children. He picks on me constantly. He complains that I don’t give him enough sex. He checks on my cash slips so I don’t spend too much money. I have the urge to run and run. I was independent and a professional artist but he took it away. I am constantly walking on eggshells not to upset him. He turns things around so I look bad. Please help. (Minimal edits for space)
Dance on the eggshells, invite your brother, and make a spare set of car keys, invite friends to visit, go out as often as you want. Initiate sex only when YOU want sex. Take back your power or this will never be a marriage. Control is never love so stay out of it. Get your life back: you are a wife, not a prisoner. His jealousy is HIS issue. Don’t make it yours. Until you focus on your behavior and not on his, this marriage will not improve.
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Fixing a broken relationship
08 May 2007 by Rod Smith / 16 Comments
“How do I fix a broken relationship?” is one of the most common theme of letters I receive. Given that there is NOT the continuation of duplicity or deceit, violence or cruelty, even the most troubled relationship can find healing.
Here are a few generic principles to jump-start the journey of greater health whether the relationship in question survives or not:
1. Don’t focus in “the relationship” but on doing what is healthy and mature for your individual sake. This is not selfish. Getting your house in order will challenge everyone around you to greater health even if you lose your primary, but toxic, relationships in the process. If you do not have the energy to do this, a simple way to help you access the healthy thing to do is to ask yourself the question What do really well and emotionally healthy people do when faced with such a situation and then try, as tough as it might be, to live the answer.
2. Never participate in sexual behavior you do not want. Good sex, or sex at all, (or what one partner regards as good sex) will not salvage a toxic relationship, but only serve to perpetuate all that is already unhealthy about it. Keep in mind that sex frequently prevents love from growing within a relationship.
3. Talk to close friends about what is really happening to you within a deteriorating relationship. Secrecy escalates toxicity. Opening your life to a trusted friend will help you to see healthier options. While a toxic relationship might be “killing you” allow your community to help save you.
4. Do not go rushing back to anything or anyone simply because they say they are sorry. Being sorry (asking forgiveness) for unacceptable behavior is not, in itself, change. Forgive, yes, but do not forget. Look for the fruit of regret. The fruit of an apology and forgiveness is changed behavior.
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My son died and I promised to be at his side……. Now I am filled with guilt…..
01 May 2007 by Rod Smith / 18 Comments
Reader: My adult son died 9 years ago. I had promised to stay at his side. The day he died, we had a lovely day, chatting, laughing at things on TV, and just being quiet. By evening I was so exhausted that I told him I was going home and would see him in the morning. The nurse phoned later and said things weren’t too good and that I should come. I raced to him to find that he had already passed away. I’ve been tormented with guilt ever since. I’ve tried to let go, reminding myself that we had a wonderful relationship and that he would forgive me, but I still feel I let him down badly. I feel that I was being selfish by choosing to go home instead of staying. (Letter edited)
Rod’s Reply: First: Write your son a letter updating him on all that has transpired over the past 9 years.
Second: Read the letter to a group of people who also loved him.
Third: I challenge you to allow your anguish to end. If 9 years are not enough, how many years do you need to beat yourself up about wanting rest?
The highest tribute you could pay his shortened life would be to live your own as fully as possible.
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Feeling guilty?
24 Apr 2007 by Rod Smith / 1 Comment
A short word about guilt…
There are a lot of guilty people “out there.” I get letters all the time from people carrying huge burdens of guilt, for all manner of mishaps and sins and things done or left undone.
As can be expected I get letters from people who are guilty about things over which they would have had absolutely no power at all (the emotional equivalent of “I am so sorry it is rained on your vacation”) and this misplaced, or assumed guilt has followed them around like a large and burdensome backpack for decades.
Guilt, any kind of guilt, is not a very good motivator. When it pushes (guides, motivates, “inspires” or propels) a person to any act of goodness or kindness, that act is usually sullied or jaundiced because it is not propelled by pure intention. It is propelled by the need to make right, to settle a score or to un-burden.
Getting rid of guilt (even misplaced guilt) is not easy for some – but it can be found through confession, through wise divulgence of that inner turmoil to a trusted friend or a paid professional.
Freedom from guilt is a wonderful, powerful state. And when, by faith, you are made free, you will indeed be free.
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Strangers want to know details about my mother’s death…
23 Apr 2007 by Rod Smith / 1 Comment
READER QUESTION: My mother died recently after a long illness. People I hardly know want to be told every little detail about her final months. I do not feel comfortable talking about this with anyone apart from immediate family or close friends. These virtual strangers say to me: “What’s wrong with you? You have to share your grief.” Is there anything wrong with wanting privacy at this time?
ROD’S RESPONSE: Your grief is your business. You decide how you will (or will not) handle your loss and with whom you will share it. I’d suggest you inform “interested” (inquisitive) strangers that you will willingly remain out of their personal affairs and you’d prefer similar treatment in return.
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Verbal log-jam
When I was a boy I’d endlessly practice the fluent delivery of my name but it seldom flowed easily from my lips. As if it was new news to me, adults pointed out my stutter. Perhaps they thought I was beginning, at that precise moment, for the first time in my life to spit from the mouth, twist at the neck, jig my head back and forth trying to expel some inane statement log-jammed between my gut and my throat.
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Life in our beloved 122
If the inside of a house (outside, too, I suppose) is a metaphor of the lives of the people who live in it – which is something I once read somewhere – gosh, are we in trouble. Our house is a mess.
I consistently clean it room by room, thinking often of the legend that the Golden Gate Bridge that says there’s some guy constantly painting it. I feel for him. While I am sure the view is wonderful I must believe that the poor guy whose doing it daily from one end to the other must find the wind and the weather quite a challenge.
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Being a white South African can come with complications
Being a white South African reared under Apartheid is no simple matter. It permeated everything for me. While I do not pretend to have been a political activist, I was always cognizant that my privileges, simply a result of being born white, were unmerited, and most unfair especially when enjoyed at the expense of others who were not. I think this unsettling truth (for I took advantage of my station in life) was somewhat of a companion to me from the age of about six or seven.
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Location, location – remembering winter in August
We live very close to our school and church, so close we can hear the school bell from our kitchen and the church bells in my bedroom.
Sometimes we walk to both and we don’t see the car for days.
I like it. I like not having to get in and out of the car. I like not having to negotiate traffic, something as synonymous with life in the USA as Disney, Fast Food, and the Fourth of July.
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Ready to adopt?
If you wait until you are ready to adopt a child you never will because you will never be ready. The baby, and only the baby, will make you ready. Reading the right books will be helpful, but “ready” magically comes upon you when a real baby is sleeping in your arms or crying in the middle of the night. If you are not ready to change diapers – and I always am amused at the big deal about this non-issue – being unprepared will last only as long as a clean diaper.
Life inside the Smith household
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