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Friendship
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I am confused because he continues to see me……
07 Apr 2010 by Rod Smith / 1 Comment
“The man I date and I are compatible. Months ago he received a call but would not answer. I found this strange. He became defensive and I have been suspicious since. I did what I should not have done and found numerous messages to and from a girlfriend. He denied seeing anyone. I called the girlfriend who said she was in a relationship with him. He says there is no relationship. She confirmed she wants nothing more to do with him but I have found out that they are still speaking. I am now confused because he continues to see me. I am uncertain about where this is going. I find it strange that she would say she is a relationship with him but he denies it.” (Edited)
I find it strange that you are working so hard at this. You’re dating. It is supposed to be fun. Playing phone police is not. Stop monitoring him. He is an adult who can have as many friends as he chooses – unless you both decide otherwise.
Don't police him.....
The confusing thing is not that he continues to see you, but that you, given your mistrust, continue to see him. Find a man who desires monitoring. They exist, and, the bonus is, they perceive controlling behavior to be evidence of real love.
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A father writes…..
30 Mar 2010 by Rod Smith / No Comments
“I follow you articles with interest. Your column on ‘forgiveness’, has never been more appropriate or relevant as it was today. On Sunday night, after my wife and I had conflict with our son, our hearts were broken and we felt betrayed and offended. In our minds our son was beautiful, caring, and a model of consistency. This was shattered in one moment. We all cried!
I went to his room to say goodnight and that I love him, but I did not forgive him. I don’t think either of us slept.
The next day (today) I left for work before he woke up. My heart was very heavy. I read the paper and with it came your ‘forgiveness’ article.
I copied it and took it home then and there. It could not have come at a better time.
It made me realize a few things: Nobody is perfect; my job as his father is to protect, offer advice, guide, respect and most of all love; I need to provide him with an environment that he can make mistakes and allow for normal engagement. He must not be afraid to come to me, for anything. I can’t wait to see him tonight!
Thanks for the help, I really needed it.”
(Edited for space and privacy)
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The power to forgive…
28 Mar 2010 by Rod Smith / 2 Comments
Forgiveness is a wonderful, divine, gift. It can most dramatically precipitate healing among and within people. He who chooses to forgive seldom loses. He (or she) who initiates forgiveness reveals his strength. It is the stronger person who is first to forgive, and when the exchange is made, both parties – the forgiver and the forgiven – each benefit from the act.
As quickly as you find it possible, and can muster the strength from within you: forgive when you have been wronged; when you are uncomfortable being around a particular person and would rather avoid them; when you find you have little or nothing positive to say to or about someone; when you always look for a way to avoid a certain person;
when you find it hard to think positive thoughts about someone.Forgive when someone’s actions (real or perceived) seem to be buried or sealed into your consciousness and you can’t seem to free them from the prison in your head. Forgive when you feel haunted by someone whose acts against you will not let you go.
Forgiveness links us with the divine, heals fragile families, hurting communities and restores hope within broken people – and sets the forgiver free.
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Letter to a young dad….
15 Feb 2010 by Rod Smith / No Comments
Durban’s own Grant Fraser (former Durban City soccer star) wrote to me this week. Celebrating the joys of parenting of his infant daughter triggered his reminiscing: “You never taught me how to do this,” said his brief note referring to when I was his school teacher. You are correct, Grant. There isn’t curriculum that can effectively teach you to be a dad. Nonetheless Grant, here are a few challenges:Love her mother....
1. Dedicate yourself to your daughter to the same degree you enjoyed the dedication of your own mother and father. You could not have had better parents.
2. Love, serve, and honor your partner. Loving your child’s mother is the single most powerful way you can love your daughter.
3. Be as committed to honesty with your child as you were with others when you were a boy.
4. Don’t let the mundane, but necessary, tasks wear the joy out of you. Babies need fun more than they need clean nappies.
5. Go away for an overnight and a full day often with your daughter – just the two of you. Get no help packing or planning from anyone.
6. Finally, leave the teaching to your daughter. She will teach you how to be her dad more effectively anything you will ever teach her.(Name used with permission)
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Some things are simply overrated in their power to influence and form you….
23 Dec 2009 by Rod Smith / No Comments
Some things are overrated for their power to shape people. Before I am barraged with mail, kindly note I am not suggesting these things are not important. I am suggesting they are offered more power to heal or hurt than appropriate:
1. Parenting: While of course it is important parents do all they can to be good parents, do the right and loving thing, and be available to help and correct and love their young – multiple factors influence and shape children into adults. Thank God my children are infinitely more than, much more, than a product of my parenting.
2. Empathy: Counselors spend much time developing their ability to embrace the experience of the client – as if understanding the client, feeling what the client feels, is in itself the silver bullet of greater mental health. Empathy is not, in itself, a useful end. Thank God my professors offered me personal challenges, invited me to embrace change, while also attempting to understand and embrace my experience.
3. Childhood: I believe our self-help culture has managed to convince the masses that, pivotal to ensuring healthy adulthood, is a happy childhood. While no one in their right mind desires an unhappy childhood for any child, an unhappy childhood does not preclude a person from a full, purposeful, and prosperous adulthood. Look around you: many men and women with the most troubled of childhoods have risen above it all and changed the world – for good.
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Verbal log-jam
When I was a boy I’d endlessly practice the fluent delivery of my name but it seldom flowed easily from my lips. As if it was new news to me, adults pointed out my stutter. Perhaps they thought I was beginning, at that precise moment, for the first time in my life to spit from the mouth, twist at the neck, jig my head back and forth trying to expel some inane statement log-jammed between my gut and my throat.
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Life in our beloved 122
If the inside of a house (outside, too, I suppose) is a metaphor of the lives of the people who live in it – which is something I once read somewhere – gosh, are we in trouble. Our house is a mess.
I consistently clean it room by room, thinking often of the legend that the Golden Gate Bridge that says there’s some guy constantly painting it. I feel for him. While I am sure the view is wonderful I must believe that the poor guy whose doing it daily from one end to the other must find the wind and the weather quite a challenge.
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Being a white South African can come with complications
Being a white South African reared under Apartheid is no simple matter. It permeated everything for me. While I do not pretend to have been a political activist, I was always cognizant that my privileges, simply a result of being born white, were unmerited, and most unfair especially when enjoyed at the expense of others who were not. I think this unsettling truth (for I took advantage of my station in life) was somewhat of a companion to me from the age of about six or seven.
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Location, location – remembering winter in August
We live very close to our school and church, so close we can hear the school bell from our kitchen and the church bells in my bedroom.
Sometimes we walk to both and we don’t see the car for days.
I like it. I like not having to get in and out of the car. I like not having to negotiate traffic, something as synonymous with life in the USA as Disney, Fast Food, and the Fourth of July.
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Ready to adopt?
If you wait until you are ready to adopt a child you never will because you will never be ready. The baby, and only the baby, will make you ready. Reading the right books will be helpful, but “ready” magically comes upon you when a real baby is sleeping in your arms or crying in the middle of the night. If you are not ready to change diapers – and I always am amused at the big deal about this non-issue – being unprepared will last only as long as a clean diaper.
Life inside the Smith household
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