There is brokenness that leads to re-building, improved character, renewed strength, refreshed creativity.
I believe this capacity lives within us all.
I have seen this with my own eyes; men and women build beautiful lives after devastation, loss, betrayal and untold grief.
There’s brokenness that leads to bitterness, regret, desire for revenge and retribution.
It, too, lives in us all.
Stubbornness, coldness of heart, perhaps based in a desire for justification, provokes a tough journey.
I’ve seen men and women “go stubborn” and “go bitter” and be lead by the nose to destinations unbearable.
Brokeness, some, not all, is inevitable, comes packaged with life, time, age, growth and misplaced or misunderstood levels of trust.
Some comes as a result of pride and selfishness — or the rather simple but trustworthy principle of reaping what we’ve sown.
What will you do with yours?
Your brokenness?
What will I do with mine?
Our response — and it need not be immediate for wisdom is seldom knee-jerk — is a crucial choice.
It is not an easy choice, but choice is where it all begins – a little like Robert Frost’s “two roads diverged in a yellow wood.”
A choice to build and learn, a choice not to defend or attack, a choice to love in the face of rejection, a choice to give people what they ask for, a choice to engage, or not – perhaps the choice less travelled, will make the difference.
The annual cavort down the track to get back to the “real meaning” of Christmas, as if we ever fully knew it, fascinates me.
Then, after fascination, I shudder.
The ramifications of “Getting Jesus Into Christmas” if ever achieved, cause me to shudder.
Then I relax with the knowledge it’s beyond us (definitely me, and probably you).
We are too far gone. Off the mark.
I admit there may be rare exceptions but we’ve gotten so sidetracked with the divine-Reveal, we (you and me), seem to forget that Jesus was a baby for as long as we were.
Then, He grew up.
Fully grown Jesus is quite demanding, a straight-shooter. Uncompromising.
And, He’s exorbitantly full of patience and compassion while personifying, justice, mercy, and humility. Jesus rejects pretension, prejudice, all that comes with both. He does not take kindly to pride, arrogance.
You and I will never get Jesus into Christmas while we hold the (perhaps) secret belief in our own superiority, or remain ready to stone others, any others.
His cup overflows with goodness and mercy but don’t get on the wrong side of Him.
Jesus requires we love those whom we think we’re justified to reject.
He loves those whom we (falsely) believe He rejects and expects us to love (not tolerate, or accommodate, but love) which begins at least with a willingness to engage “them,” whomever “them” is.
Your (our) rejection of – insert groups, nations. Individuals, subgroups, “illegals” – will never lead you or me to greater health or deeper spirituality or deeper knowledge of Him.
It’s impossible to grow closer to Him while rejecting anyone or any group He loves.
Rejection, indifference, scorn, at any one is to reject, scorn, be indifferent also to Him……
No matter how many ways you try to bring Jesus into Christmas you (I do too) lock yourself out while you harbor resentments or rejection for anyone, no matter how righteous or justified you may believe yourself to be.
The real meaning of Christmas is, dare I say, rather frightening.
All I want for Christmas has nothing to do with two front teeth as one of my aunts usd to sing when we were children.
I prefer a pre-Christmas lunch with friends of all ages seated at a large “let’s-talk-all-afternoon” table.
We’d tell stories. We’d make a concerted effort to listen to each other.
We’d speak of risks that paid off and those that didn’t.
Some of us would cry at least a few times for the losses endured, but even those who cry easily, for some have much to mourn, would also laugh a lot – we humans are like that.
As conversation ebbs and flows I know we’d marvel at our former naivete; the big ideas that turned to nothing, small ones that changed our worlds.
There’ll be talk of lost baggage, delayed flights, expired passports and some will go very quiet and silently recall the pain and the power of deep, trusted friendships lost.
I don’t want a tree or flashing lights tacked around my house but I would like to take friends home a few days before Christmas and have quiet hours together appreciating the simple joys of companionship, undeserved forgiveness, being seen, being heard, laced with supersized helpings of all-round Grace.
Everyday, everytime, under all circumstances, no exceptions, you (and I) get to decide what you (and I) will bring to every, yes, every, interaction.
Yes, this one, right here, right now at Wimpy, the bank, with my sons, with your daughter, at this busy traffic intersection.
We have a question we are answering with our behavior 24/7/365: Will you (and I) be agents of love and forgiveness and long-suffering, or will you (and I) settle for the usual combative or irritable or unloving behaviors that seem to come so naturally and easily to so many?
In the heat of the moment – the bad traffic, the wait at the bank, the poor service in the restaurant when you are hungry, whatever – does not make you (or me) unloving or unkind, it reveals who we are.
Challenging circumstances expose, they do not cause.
They reveal.
Love and loving responses take planning, require decisions long before decisions have to be made or require or evoke a response.
Love and forgiveness can only come from you (and me) if love and forgiveness are living within you (and me) already.
What’s within you (and me), will come pouring out, no matter what the circumstances.
You will know your young matriculating adult sons and daughters have transitioned into adulthood when:
Your efforts as parents are acknowledged, appreciated, articulated and somewhat or approximately understood. They are aware of the commitments you made to facilitate their arrival at this juncture in their lives.
Your shortcomings as parents are not denied but are not used or held against you as weapons or as excuses for thier own shortcomings. Your sons and daughters are living without blame.
“Thank you” and “please” comes easy and both are expressed near – to you, to family, to loved ones – and far – to strangers and servers and to those who can do nothing for your young adults in return.
You are able to recognize there’s an acceptance of “the way things are” and that within the way things are there exist multiple opportunities and challenges. Some challenges are to be addressed and solved, some will not. Your budding adult is identifying what it means to “go with the flow of life” and when flow ought to be resisted.
Your young adults respond to your calls and texts because they come from you. They may “ghost” others but choose to respond, when possible, to you. They recognize that as parents, you occupy a unique place in their lives, deserving of appropriate and efficient responses.
Amazon may deliver your make-up, your books, even your Thanksgiving turkey and everything else under the sun.
Kroger delivers groceries.
UberEats will deliver french fries to your door at midnight if you need them that badly.
But, and this is a big one.
Who delivered you?
Who delivered the people you love and who have loved you?
Who was the physician who brought you into the world, brought your parents and uncles and aunts into the world? Who facilitated your first cry, cleaned you up for the first time?
Chances are Dr. Phyllis Grant was right there to help you out.
If you came into this wonderful world in the mid-sixites and the momentous event of your birth occurred in Henry County you probably encountered Dr. Grant long before you knew it.
“I delivered approximately 2000 babies and only one pair of twins,” Phyllis texted me — yes, she texts, tell that to your grandmother – when I requested a few details.
Dr. Grant, one of Indiana University’s first female medical graduates, delivered babies here in New Castle for many years and maybe you’re one of them.
Phyllis will be 100 on October 31, 2025.
Let me spell that out: one-hundred-years-old.
A faithful and vibrant member of First Presbyterian Church for many many many years, First Pres New Castle will pull out all the stops in order to honor their sports fanatic doc.
The open house will be on Sunday, October 26, 2025 from 1 to 3 pm at the church building on the corner of 12th and Ray Pavy Street (opposite what is commonly referred to as the “old YMCA”).
Pastor Reverend Katherine Rieder, the Elders, the Deacons, the Trustees and every member of that faith vibrant community invites you to participate whether Dr. Grant delivered you or not.
You’re welcome even if it is to meet Dr. Grant and her remarkable church community.
You read right.
Phyllis is a sports fanatic.
At 99 Phyllis remains that and much more.
Phyllis goes monthly to the symphony concert in downtown Indianapolis.
Only the Lord knows how many Indy 500 races she has attended and only the Lord knows how many trips she’s made to Bloomington for IU Football and Basketball games.
If you are reading this the Open House for Phyllis held by First Presbyterian Church is open to you. You’re invited to drop in, greet Phyllis, indulge in refreshments and spend time with people who may or may not have seen for some time. Perhaps you live in her neighbourhood or have met her at symphony or the Indy 500.
Perhaps you’ll come because she was your grandmother’s good friend.
However your life has intersected with Dr. Grant (or not) the congregation First Presbyterian New Castle at the corner of 12th and Ray Pavy Street welcomes you to celebrate with this remarkable, generous, kind, woman.
But, may I warn you.
If you want to see Phyllis don’t get there after 3pm on Sunday, October 26, 2025.
Dr. Grant has already announced she’ll be out of there by 3pm to get home for the Colts game.
As a caucasian man traveling alone with my African American son (5) and African American infant I realized I was triggering intrigue in some parts of the world, well, most parts.
“Where did you get your boys?” a person may randomly ask.
Yes, I specifically recall it happening on a plane or two and in an airport bus. It even occurred once in the London underground, where in retrospect, the person must have really wanted to know given the “no talk” rule.
I recall being flippant or playful or casual in my reply and I learned quickly a few ways to express “it’s none of your business.”
But, I did not always respond this way.
Sometimes I detected a longing in the questioner, an ache, and, if there was time enough to really answer the question I did.
I found myself answering fully if children asked.
One morning during Nathanael’s kindergarten days one of his classmates approached me.
“Mr. Smith, where is Nathanael’s mommy?” and as gently as I knew how I told Andrew we did not know (which remain the truth) and that I was Nate’s only parent.
Tears steamed down Andrew’s face and he ran off.
All I could imagine was that the boy, in that brief encounter, had imagined his own life without his wonderful mother.
A fellow parent presented me with this painting of Nathanael and me during Nate’s kindergarten years. I did see her taking a photograph of us a few days before she presented me with this treasured gift.
Learn the ART of living fully in your own head, and only, in your own head. Think for yourself. Try not to interfere when others think for themselves even when they express thoughts you’d never think. It’s allowed. MINDing yourown business, avoiding crossovers, is a crucial and necessary art in the empowering business. Like everything, it begins at home. Your spouse, adult sons and daughters, your parents, all the adults you know have unique brains capable of their own thinking. You may find this harder than it sounds if you are accustomed to living in multiple heads other than your own, and in yourown.
Why is this important? It’s fundamental to trust, growth, respect, equality, mutuality and all those good things. I’d suggest it would be highly disrespectful of me to assume I am better at doing your thinking than you are at doing yourthinking. If I focus my mind on my business and trust you will do the same, the meeting of our minds has the potential to enhance both of us. Conversely, if every time we talk or spend time together you cross over in my head it is likely much of my energy will be spent, not in thinking and exploring with you, but in attempts to safeguard my head-territory.
One of my very favorite pieces of art. It’s from Gorky Park, Moscow. Street artist — 1992.
Cameras can transform not-so-friendly people into Mr and Mrs Charming.
You may have noticed cameras and social media often dictate attitudes and behaviors.
Don’t be fooled.
Little reveals integrity and the lack of it more than how so-called powerful people treat all other people. Position and reach and power mean nothing if they lack authenticity and it’s all for the camera.
If he (no matter who he is) looks down on others, shows his power by withholding legitimate tips or generosity to prove a point, you have met an untrustworthy type. If she expresses that she’s surrounded by incompetent idiots and says things like, “If you want something done properly do it yourself,” beware.
Do not trust the “only for camera” smiles or niceness. If everything shifts in the above scenarios when a camera appears, beware.
A kind and generous person is kind and generous when there are no cameras, when there is no applause. A person who can relax and enjoy himself or herself over a meal with people with whom they have little or nothing in common without racing for the camera to publish their goodness and humility for the world to see, is a person of depth and of trustworthy integrity.
Allow yourself to experience your emotions – even the extremes. Don’t cover or hide from your grief. If you are feeling joy, express it. Avoid constructing a wall or barrier between you and your emotions. The day may come when you cannot see over the barrier, let alone climb the wall.
Take time to hear as many “sides” to every story. Don’t rush to judgment. There are usually 7, 8, even 10 sides to every story. Hear them all. Things are often not as they appear. Listeners take all the time needed to hear things out.
As far as you’re capable, go back and make right where you have failed. Often, this may be impossible. Make a list of your regrets, determine never to move in those directions again. Learn, recover, learn recover.
Even if it’s not in your usual habit, try to talk more to people you care about about the things you care about. Don’t rehash hobby horses. Let people into unexpressed parts of your thinking.
Notice your indifference. This is where you’ve been unmoved, unaffected, by things that ought to move everybody, ought to affect everybody. Allow the world about you, near and afar, to have its impact on you.
One corner of my home office……. you’re welcome here.
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