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Children
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A reader writes about step-parenting:
13 Sep 2006 by Rod Smith / 3 Comments
“I can relate to the stepmother of six children. My experience was very bad and a long haul. I also got to the stage where I just stopped caring and turned my cheek for the next slap. Where do I start perhaps with the your’s and mine scenario. I had two daughters and he had a son and a daughter and later on one of our own.
My partner was very strict with my children who were living with us and because it was his home I supported him and his rules. His son and daughter came to us for school holidays and weekends. His son was a very angry child and it seemed that he purposely would do things to upset me. I tried to be understanding and make allowances for him which was perhaps my first mistake.
My partner would actually send me to the bus station to fetch the children who live away with their mother. Their faces would show their disappointment at seeing me and not their Dad who was out when we got home.
His son openly blamed me for this situation. He thought it was my way of making sure his father love them less because I was stopping him from being with them.
During school holidays my children had to carry on with all the rules that had been laid and there chores continued. His children did not have to help out because they were on holiday. I started sending my children to my brother for school holidays because they started resenting the way things were. This was also the wrong thing to do but I wanted to keep the peace between everyone.
His son and daughter as they got older started telling stories to their mother and father. The mother would phone the father I would be judged and accused of victimising his children. On occasions when I defended myself he told me that I was the adult in the situation and his children do not tell lies. I had no support and as the children got older they realised this and both started manipulating situations. I wanted to leave but ever time I tried to he promised me things would change and I must please come home with our child.
When his son was 15 he came and lived with us permanently because his mother decided it would be best. Once again I was told what was happening and had to go with the flow. Until his son left school he caused a lot of conflict and pain for everyone including his father. His daughter left school and wanted to live with him but told him this would not have happen unless he get’s rid of me. I was not aware that his daughter and me had a problem so this came as a bit of a shock.
His exact words to me were “he thinks I should move out for a while with our child and give him and his daughter time to bond”. I was angry and told him that he should have bonded with his daughter while she was growing up.
I did move out and decided that it was over time to move on. He came with his stories again and I ended up going back because our child needed a mother and a father. His daughter was openly rude to me.
His son’s 21st came and I arranged a small party for him and his friends. The son gave a speech and thanked me for every thing. It was the first nice thing he had ever done for me. I could full you in on all the gritty details but it would take way to long.
My conclusion:- Although my daughters were brought up in a strict environment and they did resent it they have benefited from it.
I spent a lot of years blaming his son and his daughter for my problems with them but have since realised that I should have been more firm. His son’s anger was not really directed at me, he was angry because his parents split up. He thought if I was out of the way his parents would get back together again.
My partner and his ex-wife are in my opinion one couple who should never have divorced but they did and they blamed each other. They used their children as pawns in their war zone causing the children un-necessary pain.
I allowed myself to become every ones whipping post.
I should never have allowed his son allowances for his behaviour in the first place.
I should have shown him and his sister that it was my home as well as theirs.
I should never have sent my children away to my brother for holiday’s.
I should have firmly designated the chores between all the children.
I should have been a stronger person and stood up to my partner.
Lastly I do have a relationship with my own children we are very close and although I feel guilty about allowing them to be treated as they were whilst growing up I know I never failed them or his children for that matter. My eldest daughter has a child of her own and just the other day told me that she wants her child to be brought up exactly the same way that she and her sister were brought up. She wants her child to be solid and have roots.
His children have grown up somehow I have managed to bond with them and have a relationship with them. His son told me in March this year that if I left his father now he would understand why and wouldn’t blame me. The daughter comes to me with her problems and relies on me for a lot. Neither have a good relationship with their father or mother. They love their parents very much but do not go out of there way for them. I find this very sad.
I now have anger towards my partner I feel like I have always been second best. I have distanced myself in our relationship and although I have no intentions of leaving I feel like all the years I spent being the children’s caretakers not wasted years.
I do feel I should have counted for something in the relationship. I have thrown myself into my career where I seem to get solace. I do not want to be bitter and harbour resentment. What has happened has happened, I can’t undo it I have to deal with it and carry on my youngest child is now seventeen. My child has her own scars to bear from all the trauma over the years.”
Letter submitted by Email an dpresented in full
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Daughter (17) hardly goes anywhere…
06 Sep 2006 by Rod Smith / No Comments
READER’S QUESTION: Our daughter is 17 and will hardly go anywhere with her very few friends and wants to be at home all the time. She is a good student and works very hard at everything she does. Should we be worried that she has hardly any friends and seems to be hiding by staying at home?
ROD’S RESPONSE: While your daughter may, or may not, be able to tell you the answer, ask her if there are ways in which she thinks she’d like to change anything about her social life. Ask her how she thinks you might be able to be a help to her in this regard.
My hunch, since you have not mentioned excessive sleeping, unpredictable mood swings, or any manner of disturbing patterns of eating (or not eating), I’d suggest she daughter is doing what is most comfortable for her at this time.
Enjoy her presence around your home. Many a parent would give a limb to have their son or daughter at home more often.
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“Staying the night at 15″ column generates lots of response…
31 Aug 2006 by Rod Smith / 3 Comments
Yesterday’s column generated much response. One response (edited for space) appears below. To respond to points of contention: the husband’s role ought not be “less” because he has been inconsistent. His role is not “earned.” He is dad. Suggesting he has less of a “voice” is a cop out for a girl making adult choices. Contrary to what most teens perhaps believe, a teenager’s relationship with his/her parents is more important than any romantic relationship.
“If I were the girl even being as mature as I was at 15, I must say that I would not ‘opt for what my parents preferred’ if they had allowed me to act a certain way for an extended period of time and then tried to implement a new rules. While it’s true that although the dad should still have some authority, it would be stronger if he were consistent with his daughter. Were I his daughter, I would be less willing to listen to him. Although 15 is a young to be sexually active, it’s not abnormally young and it sounds like her choice of partner is not a bad one. It would be a good idea for her parents to discuss positive sexual relationships and birth control — so she should at least be educated in the subject.”
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Should I ask my aging father to tell me he loves me?
22 Aug 2006 by Rod Smith / 2 Comments
My father is getting older. He has never told me he loves me. Do you think I should ask him to say it once before he dies? I feel child-like asking the question because I am an adult with my own children. I have no problem telling my children I love them – both because I do love them, and because I want my children to hear it from me, their mother.
Rod’s Reply: Yes. Tell him that hearing him use the words “I love you” directed at you would mean a lot. Being an adult, you are fully aware that asking your father to say he loves you does not mean he will. I think it is a risk worth taking. Asking him could prove good for you both.
Sadly, some sons and daughters will never hear loving words from a parent, and, but for the most toxic of families, it is something it seems we desire from a parent, no matter how young or old we may be.
Expressions like, “I love you”, “I am proud of you”, “you please me”, “being your parent has enriched my life”, and, “I brag about you whenever I have the opportunity,” are sentiments that can enrich anyone’s life, even if you have to point-blank ask for them to be said.
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Rearing Children: What you laugh at and encourage in a small child might not appeal later..
13 Aug 2006 by Rod Smith / 1 Comment
Reader: My husband says I laugh at the “wrong” things my son (4) does. He says that “cute” and “charming,” when my boy wants his own way, in our young son (4) will come back to bite us. This is a point of regular, often playful, discussion between us. What do you think?
Rod’s Response: While there is so much to be enjoyed around young children, your husband has a point worthy of discussion. Cute, charming, manipulative behavior from a young child – “working the room” to get his own way – might be the source of great amusement, but the similar behavior, from the same child at thirteen, might be considered obnoxious.
Be aware of what you applaud and be careful what you allow to win you over. If charm and manipulation succeed at three, at five and at seven, you might have a tough task trying getting your teenager out of the habit.
But many children are cute and charming as a natural expression of who and what they are without any desire or intent to manipulate. While adults must be careful what they endorse, they ought also to be careful regarding what they interpret and consider manipulation in children.
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Verbal log-jam
When I was a boy I’d endlessly practice the fluent delivery of my name but it seldom flowed easily from my lips. As if it was new news to me, adults pointed out my stutter. Perhaps they thought I was beginning, at that precise moment, for the first time in my life to spit from the mouth, twist at the neck, jig my head back and forth trying to expel some inane statement log-jammed between my gut and my throat.
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Life in our beloved 122
If the inside of a house (outside, too, I suppose) is a metaphor of the lives of the people who live in it – which is something I once read somewhere – gosh, are we in trouble. Our house is a mess.
I consistently clean it room by room, thinking often of the legend that the Golden Gate Bridge that says there’s some guy constantly painting it. I feel for him. While I am sure the view is wonderful I must believe that the poor guy whose doing it daily from one end to the other must find the wind and the weather quite a challenge.
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Being a white South African can come with complications
Being a white South African reared under Apartheid is no simple matter. It permeated everything for me. While I do not pretend to have been a political activist, I was always cognizant that my privileges, simply a result of being born white, were unmerited, and most unfair especially when enjoyed at the expense of others who were not. I think this unsettling truth (for I took advantage of my station in life) was somewhat of a companion to me from the age of about six or seven.
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Location, location – remembering winter in August
We live very close to our school and church, so close we can hear the school bell from our kitchen and the church bells in my bedroom.
Sometimes we walk to both and we don’t see the car for days.
I like it. I like not having to get in and out of the car. I like not having to negotiate traffic, something as synonymous with life in the USA as Disney, Fast Food, and the Fourth of July.
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Ready to adopt?
If you wait until you are ready to adopt a child you never will because you will never be ready. The baby, and only the baby, will make you ready. Reading the right books will be helpful, but “ready” magically comes upon you when a real baby is sleeping in your arms or crying in the middle of the night. If you are not ready to change diapers – and I always am amused at the big deal about this non-issue – being unprepared will last only as long as a clean diaper.
Life inside the Smith household
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