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Blended families
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A reader writes about step-parenting:
13 Sep 2006 by Rod Smith / 3 Comments
“I can relate to the stepmother of six children. My experience was very bad and a long haul. I also got to the stage where I just stopped caring and turned my cheek for the next slap. Where do I start perhaps with the your’s and mine scenario. I had two daughters and he had a son and a daughter and later on one of our own.
My partner was very strict with my children who were living with us and because it was his home I supported him and his rules. His son and daughter came to us for school holidays and weekends. His son was a very angry child and it seemed that he purposely would do things to upset me. I tried to be understanding and make allowances for him which was perhaps my first mistake.
My partner would actually send me to the bus station to fetch the children who live away with their mother. Their faces would show their disappointment at seeing me and not their Dad who was out when we got home.
His son openly blamed me for this situation. He thought it was my way of making sure his father love them less because I was stopping him from being with them.
During school holidays my children had to carry on with all the rules that had been laid and there chores continued. His children did not have to help out because they were on holiday. I started sending my children to my brother for school holidays because they started resenting the way things were. This was also the wrong thing to do but I wanted to keep the peace between everyone.
His son and daughter as they got older started telling stories to their mother and father. The mother would phone the father I would be judged and accused of victimising his children. On occasions when I defended myself he told me that I was the adult in the situation and his children do not tell lies. I had no support and as the children got older they realised this and both started manipulating situations. I wanted to leave but ever time I tried to he promised me things would change and I must please come home with our child.
When his son was 15 he came and lived with us permanently because his mother decided it would be best. Once again I was told what was happening and had to go with the flow. Until his son left school he caused a lot of conflict and pain for everyone including his father. His daughter left school and wanted to live with him but told him this would not have happen unless he get’s rid of me. I was not aware that his daughter and me had a problem so this came as a bit of a shock.
His exact words to me were “he thinks I should move out for a while with our child and give him and his daughter time to bond”. I was angry and told him that he should have bonded with his daughter while she was growing up.
I did move out and decided that it was over time to move on. He came with his stories again and I ended up going back because our child needed a mother and a father. His daughter was openly rude to me.
His son’s 21st came and I arranged a small party for him and his friends. The son gave a speech and thanked me for every thing. It was the first nice thing he had ever done for me. I could full you in on all the gritty details but it would take way to long.
My conclusion:- Although my daughters were brought up in a strict environment and they did resent it they have benefited from it.
I spent a lot of years blaming his son and his daughter for my problems with them but have since realised that I should have been more firm. His son’s anger was not really directed at me, he was angry because his parents split up. He thought if I was out of the way his parents would get back together again.
My partner and his ex-wife are in my opinion one couple who should never have divorced but they did and they blamed each other. They used their children as pawns in their war zone causing the children un-necessary pain.
I allowed myself to become every ones whipping post.
I should never have allowed his son allowances for his behaviour in the first place.
I should have shown him and his sister that it was my home as well as theirs.
I should never have sent my children away to my brother for holiday’s.
I should have firmly designated the chores between all the children.
I should have been a stronger person and stood up to my partner.
Lastly I do have a relationship with my own children we are very close and although I feel guilty about allowing them to be treated as they were whilst growing up I know I never failed them or his children for that matter. My eldest daughter has a child of her own and just the other day told me that she wants her child to be brought up exactly the same way that she and her sister were brought up. She wants her child to be solid and have roots.
His children have grown up somehow I have managed to bond with them and have a relationship with them. His son told me in March this year that if I left his father now he would understand why and wouldn’t blame me. The daughter comes to me with her problems and relies on me for a lot. Neither have a good relationship with their father or mother. They love their parents very much but do not go out of there way for them. I find this very sad.
I now have anger towards my partner I feel like I have always been second best. I have distanced myself in our relationship and although I have no intentions of leaving I feel like all the years I spent being the children’s caretakers not wasted years.
I do feel I should have counted for something in the relationship. I have thrown myself into my career where I seem to get solace. I do not want to be bitter and harbour resentment. What has happened has happened, I can’t undo it I have to deal with it and carry on my youngest child is now seventeen. My child has her own scars to bear from all the trauma over the years.”
Letter submitted by Email an dpresented in full
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A few thoughts about step-children…
07 Aug 2006 by Rod Smith / 15 Comments
I have had several requests to write about stepchildren and stepparenting…..
1. Growing up within an intact, stable, biological family is already sufficiently challenging. Adjusting to a “new” family, with a stepparent, makes something that is already difficult – growing up – even tougher. Difficulties are compounded when both parents remarry within a short time of each other. (The child is dealing with two “new” families and the trauma of the loss of the “original” family).
2. Stepchildren have, by definition, experienced monumental trauma. Its power to destabilize the “new” family should not be underestimated.
3. Stepchildren who say “we didn’t ask for this” (divorce, weekend visitations, or death of a parent, remarriage) are usually right.
4. Children innately want to live with their biological parents and will not necessarily welcome the arrival of a “new” adult. Knee-jerk rejection of a new significant other is to be expected and resistance to “intruders” can be expressed in cunning, even cruel ways.
5. Stepchildren can have a heightened awareness of what they might see as fraudulent adults who often display pseudo-closeness.
6. Adults who try too hard, who are overly focused on getting to know the children, or try to “lay down the rules” or “show who is boss” are setting themselves up to fail at an already difficult task.
7. Stepchildren will not automatically love someone just because their parent does.
8. Embracing stepsiblings is difficult even for the most understanding and welcoming children.
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They live rent-free with me…
23 Jun 2006 by Rod Smith / No Comments
My son and his wife have lived with me for 3 years. They don’t pay rent. I thought that by letting them live with me they’d save a lot for their new home. I have been getting really cross when she wastes money they should put toward their house. I am going without things to help them and she doesn’t go without anything. I could only do this because my husband died many years ago and he planned very well. What should I do? (Edited)
Allowing adults to live rent-free is unwise. Remember that something for nothing always costs somebody something. You are in this situation because you did not clearly clarify your expectations at the outset.
Tell them you were wrong in not charging them rent. Give them a date (I’d suggest the beginning of August 2006) by which you will have them sign a lease and begin paying rent. I’d suggest you ask a little less than they’d pay were they not renting from family. You might choose, since you want to help them get their own home, to put aside something of what they pay, and offer it to them as a gift once they have already purchased their new home.
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Daughter doesn’t want to go back and forth anymore….
05 Jun 2006 by Rod Smith / 3 Comments
Since I make it almost essential (occasionally I agree it is inappropriate) for both parents to attend appointments with me (even if the parent are divorced) when the topic is a child, I was faced once again with divorced parents of a young girl. Dad was upset. The daughter, they reported, no longer wants to visit him every second weekend. Dad’s no longer her idol. Mom can’t get her to want her dad. The child misses her friends. Dad’s house is “boring.” All the moving unsettles her.
I suggest the parents consider switching houses every second weekend leaving their child permanently in one home. This way mom and dad would see the daughter as frequently, the child would remain near her friends, and her need to travel back and forth would be eradicated. An added bonus, which is obvious to me, involves the parents getting to know what it is like to live in two places and have to pack up and move every second weekend.
My clients were at first confused, and then furious that I would consider suggesting such disruption to their lives! Of course they had spent very little time considering how much children are “punished” and how significantly children’s lives are disrupted by visiting schedules that appear to be designed solely around the needs of the adults.
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Seven “essentials” before marrying someone with children?
21 Mar 2006 by Rod Smith / 14 Comments
1. Plan several sessions of “hard” talking with your potential spouse. It is essential that you temporarily forget the romantic elements of your relationship to talk business. Blending families is one of life’s most difficult challenges, which is further compounded when both parties have children.
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2. Don’t try to be the stepparent before you legally occupy the role. Prematurely playing a role will create problems once you legitimately occupy it. It is essential you do not assume roles you don’t occupy. If a child (or future spouse) treats you as a parent, it doesn’t mean you are one. Troubles brew when people push themselves, or are pushed by others, into roles they do not occupy. (This is true even beyond families!)
3. Bridges are best built before they are needed. It is essential that you insist on multiple meetings with both parents of ALL the children before you consider marriage. These meetings will focus on methods of co-parenting in order to secure everyone’s best advantage. If implementing such meetings seems overwhelming to you, you are probably heading for a minefield of countless unexpected, unwelcome complications – that will seem (believe it or not) even too large for love to overcome! What is avoided (denied, glossed over, minimized) pre-wedding will rise like a rabid monster quite soon after the wedding.
4. Financial integrity is as important as sexual fidelity! It is essential that you look into every detail of all financial records of your spouse-to-be and offer your own finances for similar scrutiny — before you plan a wedding. Persons who cannot responsibly handle money are unlikely to be able to handle the pressures of thriving within a blended family. If a would-be spouse suggests information* about his or her finances are off-limits to you, wipe the dust off your feet and depart, no matter how much love you may feel. Authentic love, apart from having many other facets, is also measured in the degree of financial partnering* (not necessarily blending) is established between lovers. Resilient love seeks the wise, open use of combined resources. Because blending families also often involves complex financial arrangements (child support and so forth, divorce costs, education bills for children of a former marriage) hiding the details from a would-be spouse is exceedingly unfair to all involved.*
5. Flee “blamers.” An adult who blames their former spouse (or parents, or childhood, the new political order) for everything will also, before long, blame you for everything.
6. Avoid people who cannot engage in civil conversations with an ex, with their parents, or their children.
7. Getting Johnny (or Mary) a stepparent will not ease his dissatisfaction with the divorce, school, or his craving for a “real family.” It is essential to understand that getting married will not solve any but the most superficial current family issues. Blending families is likely to unveil and exacerbate more problems than it solves.
This said, and so much of it sounds negative, blended families hold the potential to enrich and empower all the people involved. Some of the healthiest, happiest families I have met in many years of meeting with families (in all manner of circumstances) have been blended families!
* A reader kindly pointed out that my column suggests finances ought to be blended. I do not believe this is always wise or necessary. I do believe the couple MUST be OPEN about the details or all financial matters. See comment here: http://rodesmith.com/2008/01/20/reader-comments-on-blending-finances/
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Verbal log-jam
When I was a boy I’d endlessly practice the fluent delivery of my name but it seldom flowed easily from my lips. As if it was new news to me, adults pointed out my stutter. Perhaps they thought I was beginning, at that precise moment, for the first time in my life to spit from the mouth, twist at the neck, jig my head back and forth trying to expel some inane statement log-jammed between my gut and my throat.
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Life in our beloved 122
If the inside of a house (outside, too, I suppose) is a metaphor of the lives of the people who live in it – which is something I once read somewhere – gosh, are we in trouble. Our house is a mess.
I consistently clean it room by room, thinking often of the legend that the Golden Gate Bridge that says there’s some guy constantly painting it. I feel for him. While I am sure the view is wonderful I must believe that the poor guy whose doing it daily from one end to the other must find the wind and the weather quite a challenge.
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Being a white South African can come with complications
Being a white South African reared under Apartheid is no simple matter. It permeated everything for me. While I do not pretend to have been a political activist, I was always cognizant that my privileges, simply a result of being born white, were unmerited, and most unfair especially when enjoyed at the expense of others who were not. I think this unsettling truth (for I took advantage of my station in life) was somewhat of a companion to me from the age of about six or seven.
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Location, location – remembering winter in August
We live very close to our school and church, so close we can hear the school bell from our kitchen and the church bells in my bedroom.
Sometimes we walk to both and we don’t see the car for days.
I like it. I like not having to get in and out of the car. I like not having to negotiate traffic, something as synonymous with life in the USA as Disney, Fast Food, and the Fourth of July.
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Ready to adopt?
If you wait until you are ready to adopt a child you never will because you will never be ready. The baby, and only the baby, will make you ready. Reading the right books will be helpful, but “ready” magically comes upon you when a real baby is sleeping in your arms or crying in the middle of the night. If you are not ready to change diapers – and I always am amused at the big deal about this non-issue – being unprepared will last only as long as a clean diaper.
Life inside the Smith household
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