“My wife (15 years) and my best friend of (45 years) had an affair. It was sexual relationship for 5 years. I finally realized what had happened three years after the fact. I find myself in a situation: Do I confront both my wife and my friend? Do I tell everyone about the affair? Do I suggest his wife and I do the same in retaliation? I know that retaliation is not helpful and will only create larger problems. Living with the knowledge by myself is increasingly difficult. My friend and my wife (whom I deeply love) have betrayed me. At this juncture, she seems to be unaware that I know and does not seem to be remorseful enough to ask for forgiveness. Of course, why would she? It makes more sense to deny at all costs.”
The affair has ended but your marriage has not ended. Gently, kindly, individually (not together) and in a somewhat public setting — let (only) your wife and friend know, that you know, what has occurred. Keep details to a minimum.
Do not let your wife or your friend know you will talk individually to both parties.
Such conversations would be an act of love, courage and growth, on your part, and you’d be beginning the process of defining the (personal) hell out of yourself.
Do not look for a discussion with each person, or even for an apology – have the singular goal of letting each person know you know.