When your husband says he doesn’t love you anymore or want to be married anymore…… |

When your husband says he doesn’t love you anymore or want to be married anymore……

by Rod Smith

Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.

You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.

Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.

Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.

And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.

You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.

Call Rod now…..

Posted on November 23, 2006 at 9:49 pm in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Victims, Violence | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL

Tags: Betrayal, child, choices, ex, he doesn't love me, heartbroken, husband, losers, Love, Re-marriage, Relationships, stuck, Voice, wife

358 Responses to “When your husband says he doesn’t love you anymore or want to be married anymore……”

tobeme
November 24, 2006 at 8:06 am

Once the initial shock clears, this is an excellent time to get to know and understand yourself and reflect on what you want out of life, what are your desires and dreams. Often times in a relationship we can get lost in the other persons needs and wants and ignore our own. Take time to re-discover yourself and grow from there.

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G Girl
December 17, 2006 at 6:18 pm

When he says it in an argument and then later retracts it, you walk away wondering just how much he really meant it. Then you begin to reflect on you long 21 year marriage and get lost in what is, what isn’t, and what never had a chance to be. I don’t know the answer, but what I do know is I want a really great love in my life and I am running out of time.

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Leah
December 27, 2006 at 10:10 am

My husband has said several times that he doesn’t love me and marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. We’ve been married less than six months. I feel like my love for him is slowly being stomped out of my heart. After so much emotional abuse, I have no trust in him. We never make love and when we do it’s void of any real intimacy. I feel so unloved. I’m sure if I stay things will only get worse. I have a six year old daughter (not by my husband) and I feel so stupid for making this mistake in uprooting her to a new city to marry my husband, only for it to fall apart so quickly. I feel lower than I ever have in my life.

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- Davil
  August 24, 2009 at 7:05 am
  
  Leah,
  
  Get away from this man as quick as possible. Don’t wait.
  
  Reply
  - Jodi
    October 16, 2009 at 9:02 pm
    
    That’s very sad. That very, very thing just happen to me but in all that he beat me up busted my eye and nose and lip. So get out while you can. Me too, I moved the kids to be with him and he got out of the house. And now I feel 10 times better and I stayed in my house. The kids are doing much better. If he feels that way and says, “I’m sorry you feel that way but I love you,” and leave if things don’t get better. If he don’t want to get better then girl leave. (Edited in the hope the post would make some sense — Rod)
- bridgette
  January 26, 2011 at 8:42 am
  
  Leah, OMG.. What you wrote is exactly me.. Down to the length of marriage, I have a 6 year old little girl. He says the same thing to me.. He is soooo emotionally abusive, and when I have called him on his behavior, he says I don’t love you anymore. You make me hate you… I completely understand how you feel.
  
  Reply
- jolene
  March 18, 2011 at 1:08 am
  
  I’m going through this right now. I’ve only been married for 2 months. He said, he doesn’t love me anymore, leave him alone, marrying me was the biggest mistake, he doesn’t want me, and tonight he’s going to have a good time with whoever. I’m so torn because I too moved across the country to be with him again after him messing up before. I gave him another chance when he begged & he hurt me again. There is another woman as of now only after a week since I been gone. how did you cope? Did you guys work out your marriage?
  
  Reply
r hernan
December 28, 2006 at 2:05 am

I am going through this right now-my husband told me he doesnt love me anymore but we should keep living how we are now for the kids sake-I am in the phase now where I am still in denial that i heard him right since it was only 3 days ago(christmas)!yeah by the way great present right!!!so anyway what would my next step be????

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- me
  October 3, 2010 at 12:03 pm
  
  sometimes its better for kids to be in two separate divorced households, because both parents are at peace, rather than an tension filled home with two parents that do not want to be with each other.
  
  Reply
- Robbin
  November 13, 2010 at 11:32 pm
  
  I stayed for the kids, now my grown up kids tell me I shouldn’t have.
  
  Reply
Debbie
January 2, 2007 at 7:10 am

My husband started acting differently a couple of weeks ago. He’s been working a lot and I know he is extremely tired. I started suspecting of another woman, but all my leads turned out negative so I questioned him. He completed denied it and said he was just too tired and didn’t even want to talk. But this change was so sudden, just before Christmas, he was the sweetest, loving man alive, very attentive to my needs. Now, after him finding out that I have kept on searching for clues and that I don’t trust him, he has said that he wants a divorce. He claims he wants to be alone. He did say he loved me but not like before. When I question him about it, he gets upset. What does that mean. I don’t want to throw 22 years of marriage away.

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- Mikki
  May 30, 2009 at 6:31 pm
  
  Debbie, the likelihood that you’ll read this after more than a year is slim, but I had to tell you that I’m going through EXACTLY the same thing you were. To the letter, except it’s been 8 years. We were married officially 6 months ago, and it’s almost over. I have no idea why he changed. What changed. He said my accusing him drove him overboard. I started going to alanon, because it talks about co-dependency there, and it helps. That’s all I can really say.
  
  Reply
- Christina
  November 7, 2010 at 8:12 pm
  
  I was involved with a 60 yr old man that i gave my heart to. We were in a relationship for months. He even got me through my pregnancy. He was so loving and there for me. And this last month he jus made me feel like I wasnt of any importance to him. He came up with all these ridiculous exscuses as to why he changed towards me. I believe their all lies. I had found him on this stupid chat line on numerous occasions when he said he was sleeping. I did everything for him, I never denied him of anything. I built him up tellin him how much I loved him and that he was amazing and everything a girl could do for her man, and all of a sudden he breaks up with me. For no good reason. And, I honestly feel there is someone else..that,or and old lady his age. He’s in my life as a friend but I cant take bein his friend, it hurts way to much. And he didnt even have intamacy with me at all the last month in our relationship before he broke up with me. Not as much as in the beginning anyways. And I told him time and time before,tell me you dont love me so I dont get anymore attatched to you. But he kept tellin me he loved me and all this bull. When I caught him on the chat I cried to him askin, do you love me..and he said he loved me. I told him then I was breaking up with him and that I was moving on,and that I was gona get over him, then, he said he didnt want me to get over him, he said he loved me, and didnt wana lose me. So for the sake of me n him I swallowed my pride and continued the relationship. I’m young so I dont know much about relationships and how to manipulate some one (not that I ever would) but I feel like he was just stringing me along. That or hes just old and stupid, and has no eyeballs to see he has a pretty,young loving/caring girl that appreciated him and loved him and would do anything for him. But I just think hes miserable living in these retardid fantasys the chat skanks give him because hes incapable of keeping a real relationship. But whatever the exscuse/reason is…I’m suffering for it.
  
  Reply
marie
January 2, 2007 at 10:13 am

Debbie, this exact thing is happening to me. We have been married 25 years. Your story is the same in every other respect. It was like night and day. One day he just started acting cold. Before, he was very loving. He works all of the time, and he is not having an affair. We have two children. Do you think there is any hope?

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- Anonymous
  June 30, 2009 at 1:50 am
  
  My husband of sixteen yrs says he was unhappy and in pain, doesn’t like me , meanwhile we we wound up in bed he is all over me and so comfortable, he says it’s when I am upright and clothed, that is the problem. …..What should I do to get him back? He has said I did not make him feel loved, its over we had our time together. HELP
  
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  - Anonymouse
    July 13, 2009 at 10:19 am
    
    I went through the exact thing. I think I can help. This may sound wrong, but it will help. Men are from Mars so they think totally different from women. Men always want what they can’t have. Start thinking of yourself. Make yourself beautiful for your sake. Be positive all the time. Never let him see you sad. Men hate whining and crying to get them back. Even when he is being hateful, be a nice as possible to him. Let him see that you are just fine without him. Go places and stay for a while so he can miss you. Men love flattery. Stroke his ego by telling him how nice he looks, thanks for taking care of the family, I really appreciate how hard you are working, etc. Take him out with old friends and reminice on times when you were happy. Make him feel like he going to miss something because you will be so much fun to be around that he won’t want to be anywhere else. Whatever you do, don’t blame him for anything or criticize or say anything negative until you are back on good terms. He needs to feel like a man and feel loved. Hope this helps. Sorry so long.
tobeme
January 4, 2007 at 11:00 am

Debbie and Marie,
The change in your husband’s behavior is very frustrating and painful to you. This type of change in behavior happens for a reason. Something in their life has changed. We don’t just wake up one morning and make a major change in our behavior to our spouses without some motivation. Communication is the key, if your husband does not want to open up, then I suggest you schedule an appointment with a marriage counsler, if he refuses to go, then you should go alone.

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- H
  July 6, 2010 at 10:02 pm
  
  Well classic case of “Mid Life Crisis”. After being married 28 years my husband decided to move out, actually I told him to move out! He has been having an off and on affair with an asian massage gal who also gives hand jobs. This is the person he fell for. We have 2 kids 20 and 17 and they are devastated. We went to marriage counseling for a little while but I can tell you his heart was not in it. He decided to stray because he was bored and unhappy. I have been the most amazing wife a man could ever have!!!! Today he told me for the first time “I just don’t love you anymore” and there no more passion. Well, he is living in a delusional world thinking that this Asian Prostitute is the key to his happiness. What a joke!!! All she want is his money and someone to take care of her. She has nothing and saw the gravy train!!! I’ll tell you why he says he doesn’t love me anymore, it’s because he found someone else to fill his voids. He also told me that he doesn’t see himself with me for another 20 or so years without passion. What a joke he is in the romantic/infactuation phase of a relationship. Men are down right stupid.
  
  Reply
  - Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
    July 7, 2010 at 2:52 am
    
    Your mutual troubles have nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the prostitute and it is going to be a very costly journey for both of you to find this out.
  - Anonymous
    July 7, 2010 at 7:46 pm
    
    My wife left me for another sh.t head after 3 years of marriage and 2 children. She said she fell in love with him and she was mad at me because she never got to have her party years since she got preg. at the age of 19. Now she is out all the time parting and putting up with this jerk who she admits treats her like crap. She has left him 3 times now lol only to take him back – worst of all she brings our kids around him. Woman can be just as dumb as men – I came home to her every night, I worked and went to school full time, held a 3.5 GPA and did what it took. I will admit I was always tired from my schedule and the bedroom scene was lacking but I was only 1 semester away from graduation…. She will be back but it sucks to see what she is doing to herself, my children and me…. People are selfish!
tobeme
January 4, 2007 at 11:04 am

Leah,
My heart goes out to you. 6 months and this type of behavior is happening, ugh! Time to take a hard look at what the relationship was like before the marriage, how long you were together and what has caused this change in attitude and behavior.
Things to consider, has he been a father before, has he been in committed relationships.
He may simply be feeling very overwhelmed with this new life as a husband and father.
Time to dig, and find out what is going on. Also time to establish some ground rules and limits. You do not deserve this type of treatment.

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Teresa
January 5, 2007 at 7:59 am

Hello
the same thing happened to me. On dec 10 2006 My husband told me he didn’t love me anymore. He has been loosing weight since mid nov. and I noticed a change in his behavoir. So on dec 10 I asked he and he told me he didn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t believe it we were married for 21 years have 2 kids 18 and 13, And I really did not see this coming. He sayes he didn’t feel loved and that we grown apart. That we also don;t think the same anymore. I hope we can get back what we had but better, but that isn’t up to me ,it is up to him. Life really sucks sometimes. Is it a midlife crisis?

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Tanya
January 11, 2007 at 5:56 pm

I have been with my husband for 4 months in marriage and I have been with him for 2 years and 4 months all
together. In the beginning he was my perfect prince. He made me feel so happy and good about myself. I
told myself how can I be so lucky? After about the 10th month we were together I noticed change in him. He
started going out more with his friends instead of being with me. His attitude starting picking up. He was
now getting attitude with me. I asked myself where did I go wrong? I trie talking to him but he refused. It
broke my heart badly but I told myself to hold on. I knew if I stayed with him because of my love for him
that maybe it would go away. I tried to ignore his yelling and cursing at me. Everytime he tried to fight
with me and call me some bad name and say that he wanted to brake up I knew that was when I had to be strong
and show him my love for him. I started working for a while. Then he got used to it and didnt see my love
for him anymore. I was at my last hope. I prayed everynight for God to help me and My love. Soon he started
changing again. He was back to himself. We ended up getting married when we were together the sencond year.
Now I am married and 5 months preganant. He hates me now. He doesnt want to make love to me, doesnt want to
communicate, or just spend fun time together. I wonder if I am the one who should have let go of him when he
wanted to leave me or is it just emotions that hurt so bad from his words and actions? But even though he makes
me cry, calls me names, puts me down, and threatens to cheat on me, its like I still love him with all my heart
no matter what he says to me. I guess I am just strong like that. What should I do to make our marraige better?

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Tanya
January 11, 2007 at 5:57 pm

I have been with my husband for 4 months in marriage and I have been with him for 2 years and 4 months all together. In the beginning he was my perfect prince. He made me feel so happy and good about myself. I
told myself how can I be so lucky? After about the 10th month we were together I noticed change in him. He
started going out more with his friends instead of being with me. His attitude starting picking up. He was
now getting attitude with me. I asked myself where did I go wrong? I trie talking to him but he refused. It
broke my heart badly but I told myself to hold on. I knew if I stayed with him because of my love for him
that maybe it would go away. I tried to ignore his yelling and cursing at me. Everytime he tried to fight
with me and call me some bad name and say that he wanted to brake up I knew that was when I had to be strong
and show him my love for him. I started working for a while. Then he got used to it and didnt see my love
for him anymore. I was at my last hope. I prayed everynight for God to help me and My love. Soon he started
changing again. He was back to himself. We ended up getting married when we were together the sencond year.
Now I am married and 5 months preganant. He hates me now. He doesnt want to make love to me, doesnt want to
communicate, or just spend fun time together. I wonder if I am the one who should have let go of him when he
wanted to leave me or is it just emotions that hurt so bad from his words and actions? But even though he makes
me cry, calls me names, puts me down, and threatens to cheat on me, its like I still love him with all my heart
no matter what he says to me. I guess I am just strong like that. What should I do to make our marraige better?

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Patricia
January 16, 2007 at 1:14 pm

Patricia (Tr&TB) says:
I dated my husband for six years before we got married. We were married for two years when he suddenly started to withdraw from me for a period of two weeks. I tried to get him to tell me what the problem was but he just wanted to be alone. Then one day when I asked him again, he said he didn’t love me and wanted a divorce.We have been separated for almost six months, but he hasn’t filed for divorce yet. He doesn’t call me period. I am tired of reaching out and tired of feeling like this was all my fault. My love for him is dying each day and the most frightening part is me never being to forgive him or reaching a point where we will never be friends. How do I stop feeling guilty or begin to put him behind me, so I could move on. Its pretty hard seeing that we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.

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Debbie
January 17, 2007 at 7:11 am

Patricia, don’t feel as if it were your fault. It’s not. My husband told me he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me or not. He loves me, but not like before. I can understand that, I feel the same after 22 years of marriage. He has accepted marriage counseling and I pray to God this will help us continue a life-long journey together. We don’t deserve to be treated like this.

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- Christina
  November 7, 2010 at 7:53 pm
  
  Iv’e been through hell with this 60 yr old man
  
  Reply
anna
January 25, 2007 at 8:07 am

I have been with my husband for 9 years and married for 7.
We have 2 little girls 6 @ 3 years old.2 days ago my husband told me he didnt know if he still loved me. this was totally unexpected and I really dont know how this happened. I always thought we had a very loving and kind relationship. I dont understand how someone can just lose thier love for a person so quickly. I am confused on what to do next.

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Bobbie
January 26, 2007 at 3:00 pm

I’ve read all these stories and mine is pretty much the same except it’s been three years now since my children’s father left us, (me and my daughter then, 4 and my son then, 3).

About 3 months ago him and his girlfriend (that he left us for) split up, he sudenly has decided he made a mistake, loves me very much and wants to put our family back togeather. Completely regrets his leaving!!

He wants to get back togeahter now that I have went for a very scary ride on the emotional roller coaster ride of HELL that I thought was NEVER going to end!!

He wants to come back now that I have picked up the piece and have started to finally live somewhat of a normal life and after I have started my life over with another man.

My children’s father wanting to get back togeather with us has sent me right over the deep end AGAIN!

I have tremendous amounts of guilt for not going back to him because of my children. They would love nothing more than for that very thing to happen. They don’t like the “blended family” thing and I don’t like it for them, but life has to go on, or so people say that anyway.

The man I am with now, I care for him very much! I have something new with him. Trust, Fun, and Commitment. I feel selfish for staying with him, when my kids want so badly for me and their father to get back togeather, that it puts such a strain on my emotions and a henderence on our future.

The man I’m seeing now wants us to move in with him, he lives in another town which means my children would not only look and a new “blended family” but a new house and a new school and crush their dreams of me and their father getting back togeather.

Their father and I get along pretty well, because I have went so far with my healing as to forgive him for what he has done and just chalk it up as a live lesson, but for me to go back to him would mean dealing with the water under the bridge again and giving up a life with a man that I really care about.

I have struggled now with this desicion for over 3 months, it is driving me crazy! Do I stay where I’m at which is difficult to, alone with my children and try to raise them the best I can being broke all the time or do I go back to their father and try to make the best of it for my children or go foward with the man I’m seeing now?????????
Wow! People with children should really look at what divorce and seperation do to children before they make any desicions.

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- Princess
  June 8, 2009 at 3:17 pm
  
  An eldery person once told me that “If you are not inlove with someone” never marry them because you will end up miserable. I mean whom do you really love? irrespective of the kids…
  If you truly truly love your ex, then forgive and forget and give him a chance afterall no one is perfect…But if you truly truly love ur new fella, then stick with him, and explain to ur children, also find ways how kids can get to see their dad(since u say u a now on good terms)
  I know you think its selfish of you to put your seelings first, but i know how destrot you will be being involved with ur ex for y=the sake of your kids and yet still u wont be happy…
  wHICH MAN MAKES U feel good and happy?? then go for it, if ur ex is a good father, he will still do his share of the kids…good luck and put urseld first.
  
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- Tina
  August 8, 2009 at 12:17 am
  
  This is awfully difficult. I think you should move on. Be with the one who makes you happy. The one who respects you and whom you trust. Children want what they think is stable and will make them happy. My daughter wants nothing more than for my husband (of 16 years) and I to stay together even though we’ve been doing nothing but fighting since 2005, and it’s been devastating for her to have to be involved in this. Kids do not always know the best course of action. They’re idealistic. They can’t and shouldn’t be expected to understand the relationships that grown ups have. But if you do what is positive and life affirming for yourself (ie – being with someone who is caring and respectful) you will grow as a person and your kids will benefit from it. They will not benefit from you going back to the unhappy relationship you had with their father.
  
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Louise
January 28, 2007 at 7:50 am

All my marriage problems started year ago when my Husband took a job which meant we had to move. During our 10yr relationship I was the main decision maker and he decided we needed to move to a town where we knew no one. We become isolated from friends and family although we had a beautiful big house all we could ask for. In June of this year my husband had a new boss in his job who treated him badly. He also struck up a relationship with a female in the office who understood the problems he was having at work. They texted each other and he became secretive. I do not believe he crossed the line physically but definitely emotionally. We had big rows and one in particular in August whereby we both said we still loved each other and wanted to make it work. We went on holiday although I felt he wasn’t really with me. When we came home early sept he said he was going out with work and staying gin hotel to which I wasn’t very sure about. We had a massive row and he said he didn’t love me and left for a week. During that week he plagued me with calls and sent e-mails saying he still loves me. I let him come home, but the rows started all over again. Four weeks later he left again and the same pattern happened all over again. Eventually I said enough is enough and I asked him to leave for the sake of out three yr old who was being badly affected hearing the rows. He left on the 15th December. When he left that morning he was crying saying this was out chance to start all over and break the cycle of the rows. For the first week it was okay we spoke and manly argued over when he was going to see our daughter. Then the nasty bit came he was threatening me if I didn’t do as he said he wants me and my daughter to sell the house so that he can have the money out of it etc. Things got really bad so I involved a solicitor and then he started being nice again. I feel like I have been on emotional Rolla costar for the last 6 months and do not know when it is going to stop. I feel that friends have let me down when I have done so much for them and coupled with him I feel so betrayed. How low do you go before it starts to feel that better ? I not sure if I want him back for what he has put both me and our duaghter through but I morn the lost of our family and then I want him back. Please tell me that there is light at the end of the tunnel as I not sure there is as the weeks go on I feel lowere and lower. I wish I could undertsand what has gone in his mind does he want or not. One min cold next phoning me up asking if I had met someone ? I get so many mixed messages from one extreme to the other. Recently he keeps telling me we have to move on with outr lifes with out me saying anything. Telling me his life is so great etc I say nothing. Please give me some advise on how to cope with this situation and my feelings and the feeling of my daughter.

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He Said She Said
January 28, 2007 at 2:10 pm

Be strong and keep writing. Love your site. Drop by and say hi.

-He Said She Said

http://www.hesaidshesaidlove.blogspot.com

Reply
Bobbie
January 29, 2007 at 8:10 am

Hi Louise,

I just read your story, and all I can say is from my experience. It’s been 3 years for me since my children’s father left.
It’s some times easier but then at times it really hurts! I completley understand what you mean about being disappointed about the lose of the family. That hasn’t went away for me.
The first year for me was WORRRIBLE! I also turned to friends and family, that helps too but the best thing I found to help was I read self help books and eventually took my children and myself to counseling. It helped me to really understand alot with myself, my children and their father.
And to deal with it all alot better!

Divorce and seperation is VERY hard for children and I wouldn’t recommended it if their is no abuse in the family.

If you were the desicion maker in the marriage and you go to counseling and read a good self help book maybe you can convience your husband to read one also and go to counseling with you and your child. Your marriage is worth saving in my opion! I would do it now before you both involve “friends” (boyfriends and girlfriends) in your lives, it’s much hard when that starts to happen.

There is lots of help on the internet. I just went to google and put in relationship problems, divorce and went from there. Also I found lots of good self help books on ebay for me and for my children. I really wish I would of done this at the first of our seperation, but I was so hurt and I was so caught up in his leaving that I just sat and cried alot!! By doing that it made things alot worse for me and for my children! I wish I would have gotten help sooner than I did, but I’m glad I did find help a year later!

There is good advise out there you just have to look for it.
In the books that I read they said to try and keep things the same for your children as much as possible, their rutine, disapline, and to try not to ever let the children hear your conversation or rows as you called it with your husband. Thats just one of the many advises that they give you.

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Patricia
January 30, 2007 at 10:03 am

Hi Bobbie,

Do not feel guilty, in any way. The father of your children should be the one to feel guilty. Remember though that he will always be their father and be a part of their lives. However you need to concentrate on you, and if this person makes you happy go for it. You may wonder if the same thing might happen again, but unfortunately no one can say yes or no. Its just a chance you will have to take.Please make sure that he can be a good role model to your children, because he will also be part of their lives and this is very important.

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electra21881
January 30, 2007 at 11:44 am

Please help me!!! Im so confused, hurt, depressed and sick to my stomach. My husband and i just had this emotional break down, I cried he cried…For the past couple months i have been tryting to get him to tell me what was wrong…you see we havent been making love like we use to maybe once a month and it bothered me sence we use to be all over eachother. We have been married for 4 years and together 7 year we have a 4 year old daugher. I excpect some decline in our sex life but i mean once a month if that. I use to just cry myself to sleep. I would talk to him and he would tell me he has been tired and he would try harder. But he never did after the talk i would feel im finally getting through to him but the next day no Nothin im mean NO SEX!!! I would be patient wait another two weeks and ask him again. This went on for a good couple of months. Until just this morning we were talking againa and he just broke down in tears… I said “just tell whatever it is, I wil always love you” He finally said. “I dont turn him on anymore” UGH dagger in my heart and my ego. He dont want a divorce and he still loves me with all his heart but how do we stay together and exsist together if i dont turn him on. PLEASE HELP!! ANYBODY !!!

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- Michaela
  June 7, 2009 at 5:47 pm
  
  Start going to the gym or running getting active, tightening up your bod. You will feel so sexy and fit after a couple months he won’t be able to resist u!
  
  Reply
- Patty
  June 30, 2009 at 4:11 am
  
  hi i hope you get to read this is now 2009 and i am going through the same thing if not worst! he hasn’t been wanting any sex with me! and he finally told me that he wasn’t attracted to me and didn’t turn him on!! i felt really bad, very humiliated,, i don’t know how to act anymore..please let me know what you did..what should i do? I don’t even know know to act anymore..please help!!
  
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  - colleen
    July 8, 2009 at 2:48 am
    
    Hi Patty
    I have posted this morning on the site for the first time, and have just read your message. I am so sorry for you as I am going through the same thing. We have been together 23 years. He has wanted less and less sex. He has recently told me that he loves me like a sister and feels disconnected with me and has been unhappy for years. I also feel humiliated, betrayed, depressed and don’t know how to act around him. I have gone onto anti-depression tablets and it has helped me feel like I can cope without tears. I understand how you feel – we have to try and get ourselves back because our confidence has taken a massive knock and we are reeling with shock. My emotions range from sadness to anger. We are beautiful and this is nothing we have done to deserve this. Wake up each morning, put your make up on and try hold your head up. Try and get YOURSELF strong again, it is hard, but perhaps by concentrating on yourself he will begin to see the woman he fell in love with. Go in love.
Model38
February 1, 2007 at 11:22 pm

Well, my husband never really said that he didn’t love me but for the past 4 years he has cheated with numerous women including the one that he is with now. His actions tells me that he doesn’t love me (I really don’t think he knows what love is). This girl that he is currently seeing, he has been seeing her for over a year now. It doesn’t hurt me now like it did in the past…I JUST WANT OUT!!!! I am currently not working and he is paying all the bills in the house. I am getting ready to go to school to take a short term medical course (the class is 7 months) so I can get a good paying job but I don’t know if I can last that long being with him knowing that he is seeing someone else. How do I “pretend” when I know that he is seeing this girl? He doesn’t know that I know. What a predicament to be in when you want out of a marriage with a cheater but doesn’t have a job to support yourself!!! The good thing about it is we have no kids together. But with God’s help I will be OUT shortly!!! 4 years is enough of putting up with a serial cheater!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!

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ginny
February 4, 2007 at 12:28 am

My husband is at the point he says when he sees my face, he just hates me. He gets along with everyone else really well. His parents stay for 5 months of the year and they are so nice. They speak another language, and I speak a little of their language so it is really O.K. He tells me he just likes to see out two sons and his parents, but not me. I feel he truly hates me and it really hurts me. He also wants no sex from me, not even oral. This also hurts, he says I am too fat. I find dieting so hard though. Can a husband hate you, just because you gain weight?

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- Michaela
  June 7, 2009 at 5:51 pm
  
  BRUTAL!!!!!! Diets suck! Go for walks and runs or hit the gym. I mean like 3-5 times a week. For the 1st coupe weeks it’ll suck but then you will get into it. Then after a few months you will be getting fit. Then you can leave him for a nicer version and leave him to eat his words. Hate is a strong word no one should have to hear that no matter how “fat” they are!
  
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- Patty
  June 30, 2009 at 4:17 am
  
  oooh my God! I feel as if you were me!!! i’m going through the same thing. we also have two kids together and he says he hates me!!! he also doesn’t want sex never initiates it. and last time i tried to initiate sex he finally told me that i had gain too much weight and that he was no longer attracted to me! I fell very hurt and find myself crying out of nowhere please let me know how ir went for you!! I at least want some emotional support i don’t even know how to act anymore please help!!!
  
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  - Meg
    July 23, 2010 at 9:06 am
    
    i thought losing weight would fix some of the problems in my marriage and instead my husband went and cheated with someone bigger than i was to start with 😦 Sexual attraction is largely psychological, so if theres a problem in the marriage sometimes it just manifests in the bedroom and really doesnt have anything to do with how you look.
Bobbie
February 5, 2007 at 10:06 pm

Thanks Patricia!

Your right. I am trying to do what is right for me and for my children, but the disappointment of having a “broken family” is just so difficult for me to live with. I came from a “broken family” and I never wanted to have one!! I wanted it all to be better with my family!!

I feel like I owe it to my children to give their father another chance, but I feel completly different about him now, 3 years later.

I beat myself up inside because I do feel different about him. I feel guilty to my children because I feel like I don’t want to get back with him, but part of me does want to for my children. GRRRRR!!!!

Just have to find a way to feel better about all of it. Maybe it will come to me some day soon!

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WynterLyle
February 6, 2007 at 5:39 pm

Hi Bobbie,

I am going through a terrible time as well. I just found out that my husband of 10 years is had an emotional affair for 2-3 years. It’s been over for 18 months because her husband found out and she called it off. She is Indian! Completely NOT his type. And in an arranged marriage. I am a tall redhead. He couldn’t have picked someone more different from me.

He lied to my face when I asked him about out several times. Then, of all things, I went to a psychic (a very good one) who told me about “Her”. I confronted him and he denied it again, “asking if I had proof”. Finally, he broke down. Said it is over but he “still thinks of her” and “thinks he loves her”.

I thought he loved ME. We have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. I feel like such a fool. I don’t love him anymore. He disgusts me. I want out!

WL

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Kathryn
February 8, 2007 at 5:35 pm

Just today my husband for 12 years told me he is in contact with his daughter from his first marriage but is not ready to tell me everything and wants me to give him space until he settles his relationship with his daughter. I just felt hurt because he was upset the whole time with me and never told me that he loved me and gave me assurance. Our relationship had a big challenge awhile back and we thought we would make it work, we saw a counselor and he even told me that he wanted to grow old with me and it was his idea for us to see the counselor. I sacrificed my career to move with him to another state for his career sake without us knowing anyone in the new place. We have two young kids and I just don’t know why he acts confused and cannot even answer if he wants me in his life. I don’t know what to do, I’m sorry to say but I’m panicking about it. I tried to call him when he went to work and he did not answer his cell when he used to everytime I call. I just want to understand this behavior.

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Diane
February 11, 2007 at 3:36 am

Kathryn, until you have clarity from him, I would focus on strengthening myself. Establish my own income stream, friends, family, so that you are coming from a position of personal power. Men often want what they perceive they can’t have. If you are strong, and do not appear to be needy, then he will be drawn to confide in you.

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rosemarie
February 11, 2007 at 9:01 pm

I was with my husband for 20 years. I am still his wife because he still has not after several weeks signed the divorce papers.
I will tell you all this….men do not define you. I have found that out on my own this past horrible year. From one day to the next he stopped loving me. He loved the girl he works with.
Don’t get me wrong…its been hell. We have children together. We had a life and a beautiful family. But the only difference now is that my family just got smaller, that’s all. We have gone on without him and i think he sees it. Isn’t that the best revenge? Imagine what he would do if he saw that you have gone on living without him?

I still love him but i would not tell him this. Yes, i mourn the family we once had. Yes, i’m alone and he is not. Is he really happy? Does it matter really? My kids are happy. That’s all that matters. I’m sure deep down inside they miss him terribly, but they also want to show him that we are ok. That’s ok for now. One day at a time.

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Pam
February 14, 2007 at 12:54 pm

My husband, all of a sudden, around Christmas, started going out and staying out until like 5:30 in the morning. I questioned him about it and he got defensive. It worried me and I thought it was disrespectful. We had words…nothing major and all of a sudden, he decides i belong in OH with my 77 yr. old mother. I have no idea what happened. When he sent me out the door, he had tears in his eyes, said he loves me. I am totally confused. We had been married for almost 33 years and been together for 37. He’s in Florida. I hate FL, but that is beside the point. I am crushed. He hasn’t filed the dissolution papers we filled out and we email every morning. If I sign an email “Love ya”….he totally ignores it. Its like he is fighting to keep me away. I know that I really condensed this story, but does anyone have any idea what the heck happened? I sure don’t. I know I love him, miss him and hate to see 33 years thrown away.

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Julia
February 14, 2007 at 8:20 pm

I have never been so scared and unsure in my life. My husband told me 2.5 weeks ago that he felt bad that a new woman at work was flirting with him and that he liked her. Since then, his emotional affair has gotten worse. I finally caught her text messaging him a few days ago with inappropriate statements that hurt me deeply. Despite all of the shock and devasation, I have always been a strong and independent person. I have decided to give him an ultimatum tonight. Either he completely cuts off his relationship with this women, commits fully to our marriage, and comes with me to counseling, or he can leave the house until he is ready to make that commitment. Although I have not known about the affair for very long, I refuse any more to try to be nice and understanding. Doing that is not true to who I am and what I deserve. Deep down I am still petrified, but the more time that pasts, the more unsure I am if he will pull through. That is my biggest fear. I am not really afraid of being on my own and taking care of myself, as I am still young (26) and am finishing a graduate degree. My biggest fear is that he is not going to do what he needs to do to be the husband I want and deserve. That would hurt the most. We have been together for 7 years and married 3.5 years. I never saw this situation coming. However, I have finally accepted that it is here, that I need to do what I need to do to take care of myself, and that I have the right to demand that my husband gives me a clear indication of where his commitment lies at the moment. It is not fair for me to be in limbo as it gives him power and control, while leaving me almost incapable to go to my job or do graduate school work. I am going to shift some of the power back to me so that I can still move on with my life while he figures out his role in the marriage. I am definitely willing to put in the effort to work on the marriage through counseling and every day choices, but I no longer willing to be a victim.

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Rod Smith
February 14, 2007 at 9:34 pm

Julia — you sound very healthy despite the difficulties you are facing. I hope many woman read your letter and gain faith and strength to see they can move out from being in a victim mode….

Thanks for reading and responding to my blog.

Rod

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Julie
February 15, 2007 at 4:41 pm

Wow, after reading all these posts I feel a little bit better if not just because I can see how I am not alone. My husband of 10 months (been together dating 3 years)told me last night…on Valentines Day…that he regrets getting married and it was a mistake, he doesn’t love me he thinks of me as a good friend , a “buddy”. I am totally devastated. The home is his and he makes the large salary. I have a 14 year old from a previous marriage and could not support us on my salary. This was my 3rd marriage. The thought of starting over is horrid, I just don’t have it in me at 46. I told him I am honoring this commitment and that I have spent the last 10 months being a fantastic wife and building our home life and will not leave this home. He didn’t reply. I am waiting for his reply when he gets home from work tonight. In my heart I pray he says he will try to make things work as we are best of friends but my head tells me he will say he wants to end it. Any suggestions?

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Some Muse...
February 16, 2007 at 5:03 pm

My husband tells me I never wanted to be married. I was mad all the time. We were only married for a year. He an artist. Me two jobs and a husband who would be out till 6 in the morning spending the little money he made on drugs and the little attention he had for anyone else on 20 year old girls who would throw themselves at him.
With a year of little to no sex, and my begging for a night he could come home before 6am so he could spend time working on the art he said was the most important thing to him and i was a distraction from. I left. I left because I felt he wanted me to, so he didn’t have to fix us but wasn’t painted as the bad guy.
We have been seperated for 4 mths but still see eachother as we run in the same crowd. At times we can be friendly (too friendly, strange how he wants to sleep with me now!) Mostly he calls me to tell me how he knows I’m seeing someone (I’m not) and that I shouldn’t question whether we are going to try to fix our marriage.
I want to save this.. Though I’ve seen him auditioning younger, simpler girls for about 8 mths. I can’t figure out whether he still loves me or he is just an egomaniacal bastard and I should run run run. This man has seemed to use me as a scapegoat for all the things he just can’t get the motivation to do. I truly feel i have supported him. Yes, it was tough love at times.
How do I move on if I can’t fix it?

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Jo
February 21, 2007 at 1:59 pm

I have been married 20 years and have two children 19 & 15. My relationship with my husband has been wonderful and terrible. We separated in April 1999 and got back together Christmas of that year. We were very happy again for a while. Then in September 2004 we separated again for two years. We have always loved each other but have moved countries, had financial problems and my husband is a workaholic and the more difficult our situation became the more he would withdraw and stay out late. Feeling totally neglected I fell for someone who was deeply in love with me and wanted to take me and the children away with him. He is not from this country. Although I was in love with him I could not justify breaking so many hearts for my own selfish needs and refused, ending our relationship which was emotional and not sexual. This was ten years ago I still think of him and what life would have been like with him. When my husband and I got back together in August of last year after two years of counseling we were so happy and loved each other as much as we had when we were first together. Then at Christmas he started to withdraw again, all the time telling me he loved me. I knew something was radically wrong and asked him to tell me, that it wouldn;t change my feelings for him. He started to cry and told me he didn;t want to hurt me but he had fallen in love with an old flame and she loved him. He has not seen her more that 3 times in the last 5 years. The problem is he just went to his favorite city in the world with her for Valentine’s week. They shared the same room and he held her but did not have sex. He does not want to lose me but he is in love with her. I wanted to give him time to make a decision but now he says he is going to see her again. I told him i couldn’t deal with that and I wanted a divorce. The problem is I don’t want a divorce but feel I must to come out of this with some dignity. Our work life is combined, we have the same friends, everyone in the community knows us. I don’t know what to do. I would be grateful for some advice. I am in terrible pain and feel my life is over…………

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Debora
February 22, 2007 at 10:46 am

Well… where do I start? My marriage started off by my husband telling me he made a mistake on our wedding night! The emotional abuse and sneaking for the first year were devestating.. I feel as if Im a fool for still staying in this deeply troubled and abusive relationship… he has a severe anger problem and always uses it as an excuse … Everything is my fault and I cannot even talk with him when I am troubled… I kept hoping that with counseling and his heart things would change… He was sent to jail for hitting me one time… he threatens harm against me, breaks my things at times and acts out in extremely dangerous and inappropriate ways. My heart is so broken as I always try to believe the best… But his actions have damaged me to the point where I feel like virtually all trust and hope are quickly fading. He has done better at times and been very loving. I believe he has a mental illness of some type. Last night he threatened to kill me, said I wasnt his friend, called me a wh—, bit–, and a cun-. Then he comes crying and says he will kill himself if I leave him… I think I have to face that there are just some people that cant or wont change and all the love in the world wont fix them or the relationship… Im 43 and my life is constantly under stress from what he may do… Im strong so he hasnt torn down my self image at all… But Im a good lady and I guess reality is hitting that the only thing I can do is end the relationship. if someone doesnt love me … it will show in their actions.. words are shallow. I dont think he knows what love really is… God help me to plan wisely as I transition on and let go of him… or do I keep waiting for a miracle?

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Angela James
February 22, 2007 at 12:45 pm

Hi I am having similar problems and am looking for help. 2 weeks ago my husband of 6 years (been together 14and have 2 children 11 and 14) said that the love has gone out of our relationship and he doesnt love me anymore he doesnt know when he stopped loving me or why but he has but took all his stuff and moved out. He was gone a week and i begged him to try again by him staying at him mams and me staying at home but try to start “dating” again to try to put the love back. To this he agreed and we talked and said he would stay at his mams for at least 5 month until a holiday we booked 2 months ago comes round then we were going to go on the holiday and see how it went from there. Then on Tuesday 9 days after agreeing to this he suddenly said its not working the love is never going to come back and left now he says it is no point trying at all. I am so confused because everything was going great we cuddled and kissed like we used to and we havent done that for a long time he bought me flowers for valentines day along with a card and now this. I am getting a lot of support from his family who seem to think he is lying about not loving me and that he will be back if i give him time. But will he does this just sound like some problem he has, this came so suddenly no arguments or anything. He has cried I have cried but we seem to be getting nowhere i have told him that he will never find anybody else that will love him like I do and he said he knows this and doesnt want anybody else but still doesnt want me. I am so confused and upset cant stop crying the doctor has just had to put me on tablets and on the sick for 2 weeks to help me get over this but i dont think i will ever get over it. I have even told him that it doesnt matter if he doesnt love me I just want him home (desperate I know) but he still says no.

What can I do to make him see i need him or how am I going to get him to try again I really dont want to lose him

Please help

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Bobbie
February 26, 2007 at 8:04 am

Dear Angela,

Oh my dear my heart goes out to you!! I went through the very same thing 3 years ago, except mine went with another woman. I wish to god he would have done what yours did and I could have kept my feeling togeather and handled it all in a different way.
I handled my situation exactly like you are right now. It TEARS YOU apart!!!!
Angela you have to try to keep it togeather for your self and for your children!!! This time right now is soooo important on how you handle it!!! It can scar you children for a long time and yourself!
I would definatly suggest that you go to a couseler and take your children with you!
They also have a good book out “Getting Back Together” by Bilicki & Goetz. I found mine on ebay! It tells you about what you are going through right now and how to handle it for you and has alot of good suggestion in it and on how to handle your action with your husband.
I wish I would have had it from the first day mine left!!!!
Take care of yourself it is the first step to take you can’t control him or make him come back, but if you take care of yourself he will see you are strong and maybe it will help him to think twice about what is happing!! Don’t be weak! Stay strong for your children too, they need you more right now also and that makes it even tougher!!
There is lots of help on the internet to go to any search page and put in ( Divorce, relationship problems, Divorce and children ).
Good luck Angela and may God be with you, your husband and you children!!!
Bobbie

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Shelley
March 7, 2007 at 3:10 am

My husband Ray who is 43 years old doesn’t love me anymore, too. We had been together for total 7 1/2 years (4 years relationship and 3 1/2 years marriage).

My age is 40. I felt guilty for two reasons. First reason was that I got a new promotion job to be in the middle level management at the new location site. My husband gave up his career moving to a new location to be with me. He was struggling to find a job for one half year. With my new demanding job, I had to work 60-70 hours per week for a year. I decided to leave the new job and save my marraige with Ray. Second reason was that a good friend of mine was telling me that Ray’s old college girlfriend wanted to contact Ray just to say Hi. I put my trust in Ray and gave him her AIM screen name. His ex-girlfriend Toni is married and has three children. Somehow, a month before wedding, I caught a suspicious between Ray and Toni, I asked Ray for the truth. He was telling me the truth that there was nothing going on between them and he wanted us to get married. So I believed his true words. During my new job, I noticed Ray’s behavior changed and put a distance between us. Our love and sex faded away and he stopped communicating with me. I worked so hard to get him to open up with me but nope. Leaving my new job, I finally caught Toni saying, “Hi Sweetheart. I love you very much” on my husband’s AIM screen name from his pager. Ray and Toni started having their emotional affair and our marriage trouble had begun. The whole time, he kept denied and became so secretive. Ray and Toni decided not to use AIM so they used text messages each other. I caught her phone numbers on the bill. They choke. They went back to use AIM and she changed her AIM screen name. I caught it and she choked. They decided to use videophone when I was not at home. One day, I stepped out of our apartment, I drove and changed my mind going back to the apartment. That’s how I caught him talking with Toni by using videophone. I had it enough. I was so tired of seeing them so secretive behind my back. We went to a marriage counseling, things were not working out between us. He kept secretive with Toni while we attended a marriage counseling. What Ray did to me was so wrong! I had to ask Ray for a separation. He moved out of the apartment. I was hoping that he would realize what he had done wrong and came back to me. Since August 2006, we had not seen or talked each other. Finally, he emailed me tonight and decided asking for a divorce. Tonight is my saddest night for me. He does not want me anymore. Of course, I am “hell” hurting real bad. My heart broke.

I assume that my husband is having a mid-life crisis, too. My biggest wish is that he would wake up one morning and could save our marriage somehow. That would be nice if God would give us a miracle.

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Kim
March 10, 2007 at 12:53 pm

My husband told me he didn’t love me anymore on Aug 23rd, 2006. I knew it was because of another woman and i was right on the money. It escalated from there, with text messages, chats,emails and phone records between her and him. I just knew it. It was so out of his character though, so I totally blamed myself. We got into counseling at church right away, with the pastor and his wife and they completely saved our marriage. Its now March 10, 2007 and i totally have him back after 6 months of hell and that girl bugging him to death. Emails that said “i can’t wait to feel your touch while i lie in bed”. She’s a single mom that has never been married so I can see why she was after my husband whom is a spine surgeon! The best part is we are pregnant now by his choice and mine! Things are better now and I want everyone to know,with a willing husband and the right counselor things can get better. There is also a lot you can do to change yourself, like I read the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. It was an awesome book and it changed my life and how i acted towards my husband. Just a hope for all of you out there who think it has no chance, because it does indeed, i’m a living example! Thanks

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rita
March 16, 2007 at 10:13 pm

Ive been married for 7yrs and together for 13. we have two childern~ He told me the other night that he hates me and he does not want to be married to me anymore. He also said I made him sick,

I am a great mother and try to be a great wife. I’m not sure why he is acting this way. He also said I don’t deserve any respect~ WHAT? I have not a clue why he is acting this way? I’m sure there’s not another woman because he is always at work and then with us. He just came home and decided he’s not happy and I’m not what he wants in a wife anymore? He said we have grew apart and his goals and dreams are different from mine and he is wanting more out of life.
One day he seems to be just so darn happy and the next its different………I’m so confused but tired of his disrespectful attitude!

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Sheri
March 17, 2007 at 8:52 pm

Well I’m glad to see that I’m not alone. My husband has had me up & down on an emotional roller coaster for 8 months now, blaming his mood swings & indifferent feelings toward me on work. Assuring me all the while that I had nothing to worry about… We were “okay”. Then last night he drops the “I just don’t feel it anymore” bombshell on me. We’ve been together for 11 years & married for almost 5, with no children. We’ve got a great life, or so I thought. He mentioned that he wanted to “move out” and miss me again. Immature jerk! Well I pulled one on him & quickly packed up my stuff today while he was out & I moved to a girlfriend’s home, leaving him with a huge home to care for, 2 dogs, 4 cats, bills (he hasn’t paid a bill in 11 years!), laundry, yard work, etc. I figure this way, when he really “moves out” on his own he’ll have a refresher course in RESPONSIBILITY & COMMITTMENT!

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- Anonymous
  March 26, 2010 at 10:18 pm
  
  wow, holy crap good for you!!!
  
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tiffany
March 17, 2007 at 11:13 pm

its all the same. we were married 7 years and we just had a baby boy. my husband got a call and was deployed to missouri for the first year of our sons life. i hated him. i missed him. i saw emails to this day he claims were not his, telling some girl on base that he loved her over and over again. he told me he would make it all up to me, he was so so sorry. 6 months upon return he told me he was “unhappy”, no longer loved me and wanted a divorce. but here is the kicker that was over 3 and 1/2 years ago, he still is in our home. we still sleep in the same bed yet havent had sex since. we sat we divorce lawyers then but couldn’t agree and never mentioned it again. i don’t know what to do anymore

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Sheri
March 18, 2007 at 10:20 am

Tiffany, get yourself together. Start thinking about yourself & your child. Go back to school, get a job, go out a night a week with girlfriends… Prepare, prepare, prepare. Don’t allow someone else to determine your fate. Sometimes when someone you love sees you moving in a positive direction & caring for yourself it could be the wake up call he needs to realize that you’re taking matters into your own hands & not waiting for him to decide your or your son’s future. When you start caring more for yourself you will start to regain self-confidence that you haven’t had in a while because of all of the crap you have running through your head. The confidence you create will scare him, trust me. : )

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Trisha
March 19, 2007 at 7:18 am

I been with my husband 11 years now, and I’m married with him for 6 years, He is my first and only boyfriend and then became my husband, the tragedy begins a week ago, he told me He wanted out of marriage, I dont know what to do, I dont know what are the reasons, the single answer he gave when i asked him why was that He didnt love me at all even at first, that he been trying himself to have love for me but he said he didnt fall for it… being with him for 11 years I dont believe what he said, we dont have a child of our own but he has 2 kids, a girl and a boy with different girls and it was before we met, I am 29 years old and i dont know what to do, I dont want to end our marriage because i love him so much and I cant imagine living without him, I still stay at our house with him, he asked me to move out since we are stayin in his parents house although we were the only once living there, since the day he told me he want out situation suddenly flipped out on opposite side, he instantly doesnt talk with me, ignored me in everything that he does, as if i was not present in front of him, he doesnt answers my call anymore, and he kept on asking me when I’m gonna moved out, I just cried a lot alone at home, I cant tell anyone what was happening with me, I pretended nothing happened in front of friends, I am so low right now and cant think well… I just hope GOD will guide me and lighten everything for me…I hope and pray that he will walk with me thru this suffering and guide me on my decisions… I dont want us to be apart… I just wanted stay with him even if he is treating me so bad… please help me what to do…i am not blaming anyone of what happened in fact I thank GOD for loving me so much… what i felt right now is the pain… much pain and confusion on what to do in this kind of situation…help me… GOD BLESS US ALL!

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- to Trisha
  May 6, 2009 at 7:22 am
  
  I know that it’s very very Very~ pAinfuL to have a veRy first time boyfriend(lucky u experienced husband n wife after) then after he says no longer love u anymore ; ( Right now what you’re doing is very good Keep praying to our God lord Jesus to always guide you ; ) by doing this u will feel the guidance from him & I truly believe & have Strongly believe in him He will guide us!
  Please, always take care of yourself.
  
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Sheri
March 19, 2007 at 7:02 pm

Trisha, read my response to Tiffany above. I’ve been in counseling for 4 months now & I know what I’m talking about. Get a decent job, move in with a girlfriend & watch the tables turn. Move on honey. You’re so young & have so much to look forward to. Go to SCHOOL! Move on & teach him a life lesson. He will look back & regret his decision. Don’t allow him to control your future… Take hold of it today! If you don’t respect yourself how do you expect him to respect you? If you don’t love yourself how do you expect anyone to love you? Show yourself love and you’ll be so okay. : )

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Trisha
March 20, 2007 at 2:57 pm

Thank you so much Sheri, I appreciated your advise…. by the way, I have a work and already did finished college, I’m a degree holder…been working before we got married… and I dont depend on him financially… Its more on emotional thing with me… im now packing to move out…after reading all these replies in here… it made me strong… more power and we must pray for eachothers life and destiny… HE doesnt sleeps…we just have to reach out…. take care to all and GOD BLESS!

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jackie
March 20, 2007 at 9:21 pm

I have been married for about six months and have a four month old daughter. My husband and I argue all of the time, about everything, and I am really depressed. I don’t think he loves me. I never wanted to get divorced, and I can’t imagine putting my child through a divorce (I had divorced parents and hated it), but I just can’t imagine staying in this marriage. We had only been dating a few months when I got pregnant, and so we got married, but I’ve always thought he only married me b/c I was pregnant. There is a huge age difference between us – I am 24 and he is 40. Any advice?

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
March 21, 2007 at 7:11 pm

Dear Jackie:
The arrival of a baby can place a lot of stress on the strongest of marriages. It is too soon to be talking of divorce. Get some help. Find a group of other new parents to talk, and you will probably find your thoughts are echoed among them. I?d suggest you shift your emphasis from wondering why he married, or how he is feeling, to getting about the beautiful business of co-nurturing your young child. If you embrace being a wife and mother he may find it in him to do his equal share as husband and dad.
Let me know you have seen this,
Rod

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Lucy
March 22, 2007 at 10:09 am

I am sitting here feeling sick and crying my heart out. I’ve been married for 5 and a half years. I have a son about to turn 4years old. My relationship with my husband has always been difficult, he is very selfish jealous and paranoid. However he was my soul mate, he has made me happier than anyone. he has slept on the sofa for 4 years but anytme I tried to leave he begged me to stay but nothing changed. i got used to doing my duty as a wife and mother, i encouraged him to spend more time with his friends after work and I thought everything was OK, but 2 weeks ago he told me he had met someone at work who was really nice and didn’t want to be with me anymore, wants to rent a house and have space but wants me to stay in the family home so he can see his son. I am leaving and moving back to my family 400 miles away. i will not stay to be a doormat. My heart is broken, I have tried everything to make my marriage work. We have a lovely house and I lovely child and he just wants to throw it all away. I have tried to get him to go to counselling but he won’t. my heart is broken, i am lost. One minute i feel strong the next i want to curl up in a little ball and cry my heart out. I can’t eat or sleep, I can’t stop being sick and I am utterly devastated.

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- darline
  December 26, 2010 at 9:19 pm
  
  LUCY
  
  NO 0FFENCE BUT…I BEEN THROUGH HELL WITH MY HUSBAND. HE IS AN ALCAHOLIC , SPENT JAIL TIME TWICE’ HELL I WENT TO JAIL FOR HIM ! NEVER AGAIN WE HAD A GOOD MARRIAGE BEFORE HE WENT TO JAIL THIS LAST TIME . NOW HE TREATS ME LIKE CRAP ALWAYS TELLING ME IM NO GOOD FOR NOTHING. (AFTER GOING TO JAIL TO TRY AND SAVE HIS BUTT? )
  HE SEEMS TO HATE ME IM TO THE POINT I DONT EVEN CARE NO MORE WHETHER HE HATES ME OR NOT . IM MISSING OUT ON LIFE AND ITS ALL MY FAULT IM 40 YEARS OLD AND LIVING IN HELL . IT MAKES ME SICK TO LOOK AT HIM HOW COULD I EVER HAD BEEN SO STUPID TO GO AS FAR AS TAKING THE BLAME FOR DRUGS AND GOING TO JAIL ? OF COURSE I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THE DRUGS WHEN THE LAW RAIDED OUR HOME BUT I TOLD THEM THEY WERE MINE CAUSE HE WAS ON PROBATION AND I DIDNT WANT TO SEE HOM GO BACK TO JAIL ….. WELL HE DID ANYWAYS AND HAS CHANGED HIM BIG TIME HE IS SO MEAN AND EVIL. AND IM SURE PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE THAN I DO SO QUIT FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND GET OUT OF IT…. I DONT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF CAUSE I KNOW IM STUPID FOR PUTTING UP WITH IT BUT THERE ARE LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE WAY WORSE OFF THAN US SO GET OVER IT ….
  
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Kitty
March 22, 2007 at 10:19 pm

My story is a bit different. My husband is very passive aggressive in how he behaves. We’ve been married 11 years and with 3 children and he’s shown little interest in me in the past 3 or so years. It’s been torture living without affection, love, etc. I have begged him to release me from this and tell me he doesn’t love me, but he won’t. The closest he has come is by saying “you don’t love me EITHER” and by his actions or lack of them. He is the one who wants to keep the facade because he’s comfortable and I’m losing hair, having health problems(I’m only 37) from the stress of a loveless marriage. Trust me ladies, although it hurts, be glad these men who tell you they have no or little feelings will give you that much. I’ve been put in the position of being the bad guy because mine won’t even give me that although it is obvious what his feelings are(or lack of them). I had already considered seperation and/or divorce, but he says we should keep things as is until I finish school. Well, the time has come to make tough decisions since I knew this was likely over, I opened my heart to someone else(nothing physical). This person was my first love and me his over 20 years ago. We did start again as friends, just glad to have found someone from so long ago and in the last several months it is starting to blossom again, something I think he had hoped would happen if I was available when he found me. He is divorced and has been for a couple of years and I have decided I am going to have to take my husband by his actions and finally tell him that our ‘living arrangment’ to make everything easier financially on everyone is finally over. I figured this would happen for one of us, but it’s finally here. BTW, I did tell this new/old flame that I will absolutely finish my education where I am before I go anywhere. He is willing to wait feeling he’s waited 20 years for this.
My point…it sucks…but really if a man will at least be honest with you that he has no feelings, in some ways it is a blessing–you are free and released by him with no regrets since you don’t have to wonder if he feels that way or not. For so long I just wished my husband would just come right out and say it so I could move on with my concience intact knowing the signals I were getting were right and that there was no hope there for me to work with.
Good luck to you all. I am both scared and excited for what lies ahead and for me, at least, I wish my husband the best…I hope he learns something from this for the next relationship he is in.

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Ginger
March 22, 2007 at 11:33 pm

Christmas Day 2006 my husband said he did not love me anymore. In early January I got the divorce papers. We are having to live together in the same house because he will not leave. He does not want to live with his folks that are 10 minutes away or live in their lake house (45 mins) away. I have nowhere to go and no one to go to, except to sleep on a sofa. I retired last Feb., and have worked part-time a couple of places. He resents it. I am scared as we have been married for 28 years. While we have no kids, there is a long history and we have animals that we love and are quite attached to. They are my kids.

Now I am having to find a full-time job (am 51) and try to start all over again. Difficult at my age, because so many companies practice ageism.

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Margo
March 24, 2007 at 8:05 pm

I can’t believe what I’m reading, as so many of your stories are much like my own. After being married for 20 year and together for 24, my husband arrived back from Iraq and cried that he’s unhappy and doesn’t want to be with me any longer. he says he no longer loves me as a wife, but cares for me as a family member. I tried to work with what he disliked about me for the last year, whereas he didn’t try in the least. Instead he seemed to either sulk or appear dead inside. Of course it didn’t work – it takes two right. So he has deployed again (military guy, note: he has a cushy career, high ranking officer and has never seen any action and isn’t even close to the front lines, everything is taken care for him; food, cleaning etc), and he tells me he hasn’t met anyone and that its all me. I’m too demanding, manipulative and argumentative and he no longer wants the aggravation. We have no children, but a dog that I thought he loved a lot. He doesn’t even seem to care for her anymore. I tell you it’s weird.

One day he was loving, attentive and affectionate and the next dead inside. An example of what I’m referring to is when I would kiss him, nothing intimate just a peck, he would keep his eyes open and stare at me emotionless, like there was nothing behind those eyes – no life. This wasn’t even close to the expressions he would show me only days prior.

I’ve asked and asked if there was another person and he adamantly tells me there isn’t. I honestly don’t think there is because he could be found at work or at home and I don’t know where he would have found the time for such activity.

Thank goodness before he left I talked him into signing a separation and property agreement. Get this, he has given me everything – I mean everything except his clothes. I haven’t worked in years, its just the way it has been, and he has legally agreed to give me half of his pay, which BTW I can access the amount any time, for the rest of my life. He will have to support me forever unless I remarry. To boot, I can even cohabitate with anyone should I want to and he still has to pay the amount of alimony. It’s insane! I am grateful and in this I’m very fortunate. But this should show you that the man has gone off the deep end and I don’t know what to do. He tells me he doesn’t want to divorce just yet, but he doesn’t want me around when he returns. He just wants us to be separated.

Finally, like many here, I have begged him to stay and told him that if he was having an affair he could and I would still stand by him. I would change if I wanted me to and on and on. Literally I have given away all pride. Frankly I’m not sure I can go on.

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jackie
March 25, 2007 at 3:05 pm

Hi Rod.

I got your message. Thank you so much for responding. I think you are probably right that it is too soon to get divorced. I am trying to do what you suggested and just focus on being a parent.

Thanks again,
Jackie

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susan
March 27, 2007 at 5:57 am

I am just so heart sick, as I read through all your stories.

My own story is so like many of your own. I have been with “my heart” for 15 yrs, 13yrs of which we have been married. We are blessed to have an 11 yr old together, but we also have raised together my sixteen yr old son. Yes, My husband took on a project, I myself have serious abandonment issues; My mother left me at 3, father was an alcohlic with a new woman every 2 yrs, but I was left with his parents @ 5 after his divore with my 1st step mom. Grandma told my mom died in a car accident when I was 7 then after a few school meetings came counciling and walla….Moms alive at 8. Neibor touchs me @ 12, Dad calls the police- My fault- sexy shorts. Dad beats me while grandmas in hospital, friends mom calls police also my fault-@ 14 choice: foster care or astranged mom? A year latter mom and step dad are divorcing and I’m the live in child care, 3 children whos lives are falling apart, by 16 I am on my own. So I find the first man who will hit me and call me names. Two years latter I grow a brain and leave, only to find another winner the next year who would eventually cheat during the 8th mnth of my pregnancy….I could have killed him for risking the health and safty o my unborn child. BUT, then there was my husband kind, strong, smart, opinionated, and unwilling to accept my no’s, telling me he loved me and my child…who guided me through how to be a parent, things I wouldn’t have known otherwise, he didn’t budge when my son had issues and was diagnosed w/ aspergers syndrome but insisted I stay home to work him, as soon as finances became available.

So here is my dilema, how in the hell do I get over this man? As you can imagine he has been around for many of my own personal ups and downs. I am as compelled as much by his happiness as my own or even the childrens. If his romantic feelings have gone away, do I want him to stay and why? Can love ours again? I found out that he has a female distaction at work, he says he liked the non complacated conversations, they did a little texting dinner. I don’t want to give up on our husband, nor risk my dearest friend.

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tim
March 31, 2007 at 3:30 am

So much unhappiness. I’m gay, have had sex with one person my whole life, and he and I just celebrated 25 years of what is the most amazing frinedship God could have given me.

Don’t know what I did, but my man is amazing, brilliant, and such anhardworking guy, that peoplee naturally adore him.

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Mrs. Rogers
April 15, 2007 at 1:38 pm

Rodney and I met on June 4, 1997. The very same day I had found out that I was 3 months pregnant with my ex boyfriend’s baby. I remember when I saw Rodney ride up to the campground where I was working that summer and thinking to myself (literally) “I’m going to marry that man”. As soon as he spoke to me I knew that he was “the one”. To this day I still get excited to see him.
We were married on July 29, 2001 and he has been the greatest husband to me and dad in the world to my son, who is now 9. Rodney has always been the most hard-working, trustworthy, BRUTALLY honest person I have ever met in my life. He doesn’t squander away money on frivolous things. He is very saving…This is where it all went bad. I’ve always had a difficult time managing money. I can’t save it no matter how hard I’ve tried. I’ve been disrespectful and verbally abusive to my husband, because of my anger with MYSELF over money. I’ve noticed over the past 2 years that he has enjoyed being around me less and less; and that has added to my anger and hurt that I’ve caused myself. It was killing me that I was hurting and disapointing him.
I left October 15, 2006. I just couldn’t stand to see him so disapointed in me. I love him. I miss him so much. We’ve talked a few times over the past six months and I’ve tried to explain things to him in a more civilized way than before. I’ve started therapy to help me understand why I have such issues with money and with spending. Rodney recently told me that he hasn’t been in love with me for a very long time. I died that day, but it’s a slow and painfull death. I wake up with a wound that seems fresh everyday. I’ve lost my job over my emotional state. I can barely take care of myself let alone my son. I want my husband and best friend back. I want my family abck together. I want to go home and sleep next to him at night. I want to fix me so I can fix us.
The last time I spoke with him I told him about my therapy and that I was trying to figure out a way to pay him back the money that I’ve spent. I even tried giving him $100, because he is hurting financially now, he said he didn’t want my money. I told him that if he wants a divorce that he can have the house the cars…everything. I feel that I’ve already taken too much from him. He said that I needed to get a job and get on with my life, but that I had a more than 50% chance of him allowing me to come back…If I can prove to him that I can be responsible. I’m really trying. I’ve had quite a few job interviews lately. With me not having a college degree it’s hard to find anything that pays the bills of a single mom that’s bouncing from one relatives’ house to anothers’. I did apply to a local college and was accepted to start this summer for an AS in Respiratory Therapy. Tomorrow I’m going to my local DHHR and see what I can find out as far as housing assistance. I have faith that I can do this. I’m just really scared and the grief that I’m experiencing is so consuming.

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zoe
April 19, 2007 at 8:15 am

hi i have been married almost 10 years 6 mths ago my husband went to prison , i stood by him and had emotional visits every week ,2 weeks ago he phoned and told me he no longer loves me and wont be comin home when he gets out in 3 months, i am totally deverstated we have 6 children together and we have all missed him so much, we have had alot of problems in the past but i really thought we were going to come out of this stronger and more in love than ever, he has told me every day he has been there that he loves me and cant wait to be home,i know he is on antidepressants in there, i just love him so much , how do i get through to him and get him to give it another go..

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rose
April 23, 2007 at 9:48 pm

Dearest Bobbie…I’ve read all the messages here and your message touched me the most. My husband left me about a year ago. It sometimes seems like my husband misses his family. I noticed that he is spending more time with his son instead of his girlfriend (the one he left us for). Does that mean something? I don’t know?! Or does that mean he is just comfortable in his relationship with her? I’m still waiting for him to finish the last step of the divorce papers. Its been at least 6 months. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I keep trying to reason and figure out why he won’t do the last step to finish the divorce. My only choice is continue to be strong for my son and keep walking forward and assume that he is still happy with his girlfriend. Am i crazy? Is he going to come to me 3 years later and tell me he made a mistake?

What are you going to do? How do you know he won’t do it again? Why did it take 3 years for him to figure out that he missed you? You found yourself..

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Bobbie
April 25, 2007 at 6:51 am

Dear Rose,

It’s been since Jan of this year that my children’s father has decided he wants to come back and well I’m still not sure what to do, so I haven’t made any decisions yet. I’m very scared to make a move in ANY direction!
I am still currently in a relationship with the man I met a year and half after the children’s father left. We do not live together but he did move closer to me.
The children’s father has stayed single and has accepted that I am confused on what to do. He did tell me the other day though that he is pretty much ready to go on with his life, since I can’t make a decision. Which really made me feel very uneasy inside, I may miss my opportunity to put our family back together. I told him that I completely understand that he feels that way and if this all works out then it does and if it doesn’t then well maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t know what else to tell him. I am completely terrified to make a move. “What if’s” eat me alive inside. Pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
I want to do what is best for my children, that is what matters to me most!! They are okay with the way life is for this moment, so I have been just going with that, but financially it is REALLY hard for me!
Not to mention I NEVER wanted to raise my children like this!!
Part of me wants to stay in the relationship that I am in now because the man I’m seeing, well we get along really well, but we only see each other on the weekends. He would like for us to move in but I just can’t do that to my children and I’m not sure I want to raise them in a blended family like that. And another part of me wants my children to have their family again. Time is passing by so quickly my children are 8 and 6 now, two more years and my daughter will be 10. Time is very cruel to us. You can’t ever get it back and that makes me feel sorry for my children and their father for the time that they are missing together and for the time that we are missing out as a family together. Guilt, Guilt, Guilt….
But I couldn’t bare the thought of their father and I getting back together and being miserable like before or him leaving again. Deep in my heart I really don’t think it would be miserable but I think it would be just for the kids and people say I shouldn’t do that but I love my children and I think seeing my children happy might put a happiness and a wiliness to stay strong in my heart.
I’m really not sure what I’m going to do, I have decided though to go see the doctor and talk to them to see if they can help me, because ever thing is becoming cloudy to me again. It is starting to consume my days and all of my thoughts and I don’t ever want to live that way again. Depression is HORRIBLE!!!

You asked me why it took him 3 years to figure out that he made a mistake. I think at first when he left it was a relief for him to be out of the situation that we were in, not agreeing on things, hum drum, same stuff different day kind of things. He was tempted by another woman and I was caught up in everyday life happing not paying attention to him and off he flew. After the new wore off with his new found love and I stopped begging him back, he seen me finally accepting what had happened and going on with my life and with him only seeing the children on the weekends well that all started to work on him.
Every relationship has its ups and downs and when the downs are there it is very easily to be tempted and to think that another person can make it all better, well that idea is so wrong! With a little time ever relationship has problems you just have to be strong enough to work through them. It take honesty, commitment, understanding and trust. With this day in time people take each other for granite and are very busy with life, some times we really need to slow down and take a good look at what really matters in life and that to me is family. I think sometimes we need to stop and take a good look at ourselves and make sure we are in check with our spouses and our children. Are we really getting enough quality time with each other.
That is really where most all of our problems started and just being young growing up in life. Learning the hard way.
So really I think he just found out that the grass really wasn’t greener on the other side.
And no your not crazy, keep taking care of yourself and your son, thats the best thing you can do right now! I have heard that after the year mark you can tell wether a relationship is really going to work out or not. Deep down in my heart I knew that his relationship with the other woman was not going to work, but my feeling got to me I couldn’t think straight in the beginning. After awhile though I finally got a grip and desided to go on in my life and accept what had happened between us and to treat him as “my children’s father”, not my ex.

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moonlightlady
May 9, 2007 at 2:10 am

My dear sweet women on this site. I have been married for 36 years and I can tell you that the things that you are going through are pretty typical of “all men” I believe. I woke up one day and decided that I was going to “quit worrying” about what was “bothering my husband” and to just give any frustrations I had about “him” to the Lord in prayer and let HIM deal with him, and “me” and whatever else needed fixing. in this marriage. From that time on, amazing things have taken place. God showed me how to be happy, with, or without my husband’s love, but he also showed me how to be a better wife. Do we still have problems? Sure, all couples do. But to have God to talk to now, is SO much better and SO much more confidential than going to counselors or talking to people you may feel you cannot trust with these sensitive topics. I’d suggest giving God a try…it will really help in all situations.

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Delania
May 16, 2007 at 1:11 am

i have been married for twenty three years my children are all raised married and have there own families my husband doesnt want a divorce but states he doesnt want to be with me anymore help. we dont talk or have sex he is never home. i am alone 95 percent by myself i need answers

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Grace
May 22, 2007 at 12:53 am

Reading all of your stories breaks my heart and I want to share my story too and offer hope. I have been married for 5 years and my husband rarely gives me any affection. I can count the times that we have kissed in our marriage and intercourse is a rare occurance. I have spend so many nights alone while he spends time on the computer, work whatever. It is unlikely that he is involved with anyone else, I think he has fallen out of love with me. I know we are very diiferent in our personalities, but he has been excaping from financial stresses and delving into the fantacy game world for way too long. I have gone on with my life and have started to pursue with passion my love for music. I’ve joined a band and have accepted a challenging career. I have learned to cope with a man who is not affectionate and have examined myself to see what I have contributed in all of this. A wise friend of mine said, that God will fix the less obvious problems first in our life. While we’re so focussed on the major problem such as our husband, God wants to work on us. I’ve found this to be true.I’ve had lots of time to work on me. I can honestly say I sing through the darkness. I have cried out to God on my lonely bed and have found Him to be closer than I could have ever imagined. He has shown himself to be a God that is close. He has given me songs to sing in the day and through the night and I don’t feel so alone anymore. I’m taking his grace for each day and letting it carry me. I pray for my husband, but I can’t change Him and won’t. That job I leave up to the Lord and I trust that the Lord will release me from this marriage in His timing if he wants me to leave. The Lord speaks in many ways. Otherwise, I will let the pain of being unwanted and unloved push me farther into the arms of Jesus where He can and has held me. I don’t say this lightly. I have felt the literal presence of God embrace me and have felt His peace so strong that all fear left me.
Just remember
You’re not alone.
The scripture sais, “If we make our beds in hell, the Lord is there and if we ascend to heaven God’s there.
It’s our choice whether we’ll take life and it’s pain and let it push us further into the Lord’s arms. He suffered for us.

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confused
June 10, 2007 at 9:31 am

Hi, My husband and I split for a while last year because he didn’t love me enough and was scared of the responsibility of being a father, husband and breadwinner. He returned shortly after and told everyone how he had fallen in love with me all over again. We have had a blissfully happy 6 months, taken the kids on holiday and were fortunate to have a holiday on our own. Then he tells me 2 days ago that he was pretending, he still doesn’t love me like he should, that he loves me like a sister and that this time it is over for good. I don’t know what to do, I am still completely in love with him as i had no idea that this was coming and thought we were still happy! I have 2 young children who adore him and i don’t know how we’ll cope when he does leave. He won’t see a counsellor, although he does blame his mother for his lack of commitment as he never had a father figure as she had lots of different boyfriends as he grew up. Any advice or help would be gratefully recieved.

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citeblogger
June 11, 2007 at 3:44 pm

To Bobbie,
Can you forgive and forget? Your children will grow and have their own life. Take care of them till then. Marry the one you’re with.

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Brooke
June 13, 2007 at 8:45 am

I have read many of these stories above and it just makes me so sad that many of us women are in similiar situations. I only knew my husband for 4 months before we married, to soon, yes but it is what it is now. He didn’t treat me bad till after we got married and it really escelated when he left for Iraq. Little did I know that he was still talking to him ex-girlfriend even though I asked him not to. He called her the day he left for Iraq, sent dirty pictures of himself to her and asked for the same in return, yet denied all of it till I caught him lying to me. He continued to talk to her even though I didn’t want him to. He has finally stoped but I am afraid the damage is already done. We have no trust in our marriage. After he lied to me, I was doing wrong things like logging onto his emails and such trying to catch him in lies, so because of that he doesn’t trust me now. He tells me he still dreams about her and it is a struggle for him to not talk to her anymore. He cusses me out and screams at me often and refuses to communicate with me on serious issues. He is only nice to me when he wants something and then could care less about me or my feelings and has told me that as well. He recently just spend $500 of our money with asking me and told me it wasn’t any of my business. I am very hurt because I still love my husband very much and I want to make it work but it can’t be one sided. He says he doesn’t know if he feels this way because he is in Iraq or if he will feel this way when he gets home but he wants to wait and see what happens. That isn’t fair to me but he will be home in 2 months. Please don’t think Iraq is an excuse becaus it isn’t. He is NO danger what so ever and has the easiest job in the world. I blame a lot of this on the abuse that his father put on him and his mother when he was growing up and that is why he is such an angry and hateful person today. He wasn’t this way before we got married but he is now becahse he thinks he can treat me like this and I will not leave him because he treats his mother the same way. I am very sad and I just want things to be right with us again.

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tmulcahy
June 13, 2007 at 5:29 pm

Hmm, sorry to say so, but based on my experience, this isn’t worth salvaging.

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Christine
June 17, 2007 at 12:50 am

I feel lost right now. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and been together for over 6 years. Everything was great. Good sex life, good communication and we have a 11 month old baby and I am 3 months pregnant. We wanted are kids close together……I went to visit my mother and father for 10 days and came back and my husband told me a few days later that he thought of me as a friend and not romantically anymore. He had come to this while I was away. I am shoked never saw it coming. He says he doesn’t want to be with any other women in a serious relationship again. When I ask him why, what did I do he says I did nothing wrong. I am 24 years old and fincially relying on him. I built my whole life around him. I am very depressed and it’s hard to eat. My mom wants me to take the baby and stay with her 3000 km away. My husband wants me to go to work out his feelings and to go to therapy. He had a bad childhood and is numbing himself. I don’t know to have hope or not…..How do you stop loving someone and how long does it take to move on with your life by yourself. I am hoping therapy will help him but it may not make him love me again. I just want to kiss him and hug him and tell him I love him. I don’t know what to do. I am so depressed.

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
June 18, 2007 at 2:21 am

This is a relationship worth fighting for. The children need their dad and you need your husband. The man needs a short course in growing up and living with the commitments he has already made. I trust he will read this and face his family and be the man he is called to be.

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facing reality
August 11, 2007 at 6:31 am

I hate to say it ladies but I can guarantee that most, now all, of these men are or where cheating on you……… Look at the obvious ladies, women tend to dismiss cheating due to the pain.. I am a man and my mistress be right next to me as I spoke with my wife on the phone, etc. Therefore my wife never ever suspected an affair.

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Natasha
August 15, 2007 at 9:33 am

My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We have been together for almost 8 years and married for 3 and half of those years. Well a few months ago he got a new job and everything was fine until a couple of weeks ago he wanted to start working out all the time (he kept saying he wanted to become more muscular). And he also became very distant, not talking to me, not telling me he loves me, and just not being there. If he was there physically he wasn’t there mentally. I began suspecting something or someone and he would basically get mad at me.
I was to go on a girls weekend and take our 16 month old little boy. Right before I left he told me we should seperate for a little while. We talked about it and I thought it was resolved, and he wanted us to move.
I went on vacation and bearly spoke to him while I was gone. When I came home he didn’t speak to me he kept saying he was sleepy. The following day began the same way…him not talking to me. He then left for a while to go to work and later came back and was still not talking to me. After fighting with him about it he told me that he wanted to seperate and there was another girl (one he worked with) He told me he hung out with her all weekend and they did kiss but nothing else happened.
We talked for a great deal when he told me he regreated it, began crying and called her and told her they can’t talk any more.
I thought it was over…he went into work and had time to think about it and when I saw him a dinner time I could look in his eyes and know it wasn’t over, he wasn’t there with me. We had an argument over the phone and he said he wanted a couple of days…I went to pick up the cell phone and car (its all in my name). The next morning he called me and wanted to come home. He said it was over with them and he wanted his family back (i’m not sure I believe him) Or was it because she told him she was never going to leave her boyfriend for him and wanted nothing to do with the situation….is that the only reason he came back? or was it truely for us?
Without me he has no car, house, phone, nothing and he also doesn’t have her (she never wanted him like that, she was just a freind having a quick fling) So why is he with me? Beacause he has no whereelse to go? If she wanted him would he of gone with her? Is it worth trying to mend my broken heart for it to happen again? She we just move on together or apart? And went will I know its going to work? PLEASE help me I’m so confussed. Did I make the right choice taking him back or should I make him leave so I can start my life over?

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
August 16, 2007 at 6:01 am

While one would not condone his behavior – all three of you (husband, wife, son) have a lot of reasons to work at this. Get face-to-face professional help, please!

Thanks for writing,

Rod Smith

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stevie nicks
August 17, 2007 at 5:38 am

how do you know when enough is enough…
My husband of 21 years is having an emotional affair, when I confronted him about this he just laughed at me. He says that if he’s not having sex, then its not an affair. He calls his “friend” multiple times a day, text messages her, and she has been tagging along at his work. I just found out today that she is now going to work at his work place.
He says he loves me and the best line is “but I just don’t love you in the way you want me to”. He says that he wants to work things out, but I see little effort on his behalf. He is not willing to let go of this friendship, its important to him. I’ve asked him to go to counseling with but he refuses. I can’t work on a marriage by myself.
We have four children and I know that he is still here because of them. I want to work this out, but feel like he is waiting around until he can make his “decision” I am trying to be patient with him, but it is very painful at times. His “friend” is married (no children), but separated (not legally), however, she and her husband live together as “roommates” I feel that my husband is waiting to see what she and her husband do. The sad part of this is that her husband has cheated on her and she has been throw a lot emotionally (my husband runs to her aid to console her), yet here she is doing this to someone else’s family.

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NANCY
September 3, 2007 at 11:21 pm

MY husband went to his country last week for the first time after 14 yrs he came back friday he felt very distant and i missed him so much it was unbearable the time he was away. so i was all over him when he got back but i didnt get the same in return, he told me tonight that he does not love me, he thinks he never really did or that he was confused all these 7 years we’ve been together. i feel like my whole world just ended i don’t know where to start?? where do i go? what do i do?? im just dying inside.. i have no family here and even if they were here they’re no help they’ll just bring me down more.. can anyone please just tell me what to do? i feel so alone… i don’t want him to leave but i don’t want him to stay.. i’m so confused and scared …

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Jessica
September 12, 2007 at 10:13 pm

My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half years, and recently he told me that he was not sure whether he wanted to be with me. He says that he is very angry with me because he feels that I am responsible for him leaving the musical band that he was in. I have no idea what to do, I have tried to talk to him and we always agree that we want to stay together, but we seem to always go back to the same issue. I want to be with him more than anything, and I love him very much still, but I am so confused. His actions show me that he loves me, but when he is angry its a completely different story.When he is not angry he is sweetest guy, the guy that I married. Am i just fooling myself? I am so confused and sad….

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lara
September 18, 2007 at 1:28 pm

My husband of 19 years has told me more than once he does not love me anymore. At age 42, he started distancing himself. He had a bad childhood, and cannot handle conflict. He has become obsessed with Chinese women and chats on adult web sites. We have a 10 year old whom we both love dearly. We went to counseling but he told the counselor his motivation is a 2 or 3 out of 10. He refuses to move out because of the finances so I am sentenced to a dry loveless relationship. I screamed at him last night after the counseling session and told him to get out of my house and not to eat my food again. He has no empathy maybe because he is ADHD and NLD.

I am tired and spent

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Jackie
September 23, 2007 at 10:40 am

My husband is in the military and on his 4th deployment in 4 years. He told me from Iraq he doesn’t love me anymore, and wants a divorce. It just seems it all happened overnight but he says that it hasn’t been right for a long time. We have been married 7 1/2 years and never has it been easy. But I love him with all my heart and we have 2 children together. I just don’t understand!! Is there anyone else out there that has been in my situation?

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- Anonymous
  June 11, 2009 at 8:08 am
  
  Hey…I dont know if you are going to see this reply or not…How did your situation end up, bc I am in the same boat now. Although My husband is on his second tour to Afghanistan, and I recently gave birth to our second son who is now 4 weeks old. He told me he didnt love me anymore, and wants a divorce when I was 8 months pregnant. I do love him, but he said it isn’t going to work.
  
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  - Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
    June 11, 2009 at 6:48 pm
    
    While these suggestions might sound harsh or even uncaring, neither you nor the baby will benefit from a search for his reasons for wanting to end the marriage. Attempting to understand what is going on with him will prove to be a wild goose chase. Resist it. Even if you know the answer it is unlikely you will be able to fix whatever it is that he thinks is broken.
    
    [Reminder: it is impossible to communicate effectively with someone who is already moving away from you. He, in this case, will only hear whatever reinforces his case.]
    
    This does not mean I think the marriage will, or even should, end. He’s the one asking for the end of the marriage, let him deal with that. Your first calling is to yourself and to your child – and this is NOT selfish.
    
    In short, try to separate “what went wrong” from “what must happen now.” Your future is in your hands, not his. Your well-being, and the baby’s well-being, are powerfully attached to your persistent ability to remain calm and non-anxious even in this anxious time. This is very tough to do, but the alternatives (chasing after him, falling apart, losing all sense of who you are in the attempt to get him back) are tougher in the long-term. Find your legs AND stand on them. Find your voice and USE it.
    
    It is essential that you reach out to a support network of family, friends, neighbors, who are able to help you with the baby, the physical issues and adjustments of having just given birth, the legal process of divorce, and custody and financial issues.
    
    Parenting is for adults. Even in the midst of these tough circumstances I believe you will have what it takes to be the parent and to be the parent your child both needs and deserves. Mine the rich reserves, the steel, already placed within you and put it to full use.
  - Monique
    August 18, 2009 at 6:44 am
    
    I am so glad I found that I am not alone. We also are a military family, married 10 years w/ 2 kids, 8 & 5yrs. My husband is leaving for Saudi Nov 1 for 1 year. 2 weeks ago he told me he feels like we have grown apart and wants to go counseling. As some of you may know, getting into counseling has been very difficult. (Tricare, need I say more?) It has been so hard to live w/ him for the last 2 weeks, and last night he told me he loves me as a friend, but not as a wife. I am so devastated and hurt. I spent all night crying my eyes out, I feel sick to my stomach. Reading about everyone else’s situation has helped me not feel so alone. Since he is leaving in 2 months, I feel like I’m running out of time. I am scared, and feel paralyzed. I have told him that I don’t want to separate, I am still so in love w/ him, and all he does is cry, and says he doesn’t know why he feels that way. What can I do?
Ella
October 2, 2007 at 11:23 am

I am so frustrated. I have been with my husband on and off for the past year and we have been married for 2 months. I am pregnant and we fight constantly over his jealousy and insecurities. He brings up the past ALL of the time and he is convinced that I cheated on him while we dated (which I never did). I found his phone bills and he has been talking & texting this woman almost everyday for the past 3 months I confronted him and he blew up. I can not bring up anything that upsets me without HIM turningit around. Yesterday he let me go to talk to another woman ( a co-worker) who he KNOWS I can not stand. This woman is married as well, but is un friendly and rude to me. I sometimes wonder if it will always be this way. It seems to have always been this way, I have just not known. He told me today that he didnt care that he hurt my feelings letting me go yestrday to talk to her. WT heck? A complete stranger would care more than he. I pray for our marriage to work and I ask the good Lord for strength every day. Any advice would be much appreciated.

THANK YOU!!

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Janet
October 2, 2007 at 12:17 pm

Hi. I am seventeen years old and my mother and father have been together for 18 yeas now. On the fourth of July he told her that he didnt love her anymore while my little brother and i were watching the fireworks with some of our friends. When we came back from watching the fireworks i noticed somethig was up by the way they were acting but nothing was said. A few days later my mom came to me a told me what had happened. I was furious and couldnt believe my dad would say and do something so aweful especially when she is the one who keeps everyone/thing in the house going. My dad is a good man but not the best father. He takes more time for himself than he does his family and has an obbsession with riding his bike(like lance armstrong). He is off on the weekends but everymorning he goes on bike rides that sometimes last up to 4 hours. So that same day when my mom confinded in me, they went into the living room and talked. I could clearly hear my mom crying and my dad telling her to shut up. So i burst into the room and told my dad off. I told him he was barely ever here and that he didnt have any right to be talking to my mom like that. I told him that i raise his son more than he does and that we cant carry on family activities becuase he is too busy riding his bikes. Now three months have passed and somehow my parents are “in love again” but i know its fake. My mom is always trying to please him and my dad has been able to get away with what he does without have to change a bit. My mom blamed it all on herself and it makes me sick to see them together. My mom hides her emotions and when my dad isnt around she take everything out on my brother and i. A few weeks ago she was have one of her usual meltdowns and i said why isnt dad ever hear to deal with this. She said in reply, dont go and blame dad for things because you’ll just ruin the family again. She told me this again a couple night later when she burst at my brother for answering the phone. My dad was scolding my brother for crying and i told him he should be more of a father a comfort him. At that point my mom came running in and said oh no you dont janet. Your not going to ruin things again. I am begging to hate the family i once loved. I hate my mom and dad. I think they are fake and disgusting.but i cant help but wondering if i really did ruin things. My other family members tell me not to listen but i cant help but wonder if so much of this is my fault. please help me.

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Heather Armstrong
October 4, 2007 at 12:50 am

Hi.

To the last girl – – Janet – – it is definately not your fault. I am a mom to a 14-year old boy and I have been married to his dad for the last 18 years. He has suddenly decided that he doesn’t love me anymore and needs to be “on his own”. Right now he is living with us for financial reasons and will likely stay until the end of this school year. I’m sure my son likely knows there is something wrong, but, I can’t bear to tell him just in case all can be fixed, but, it doesn’t seem like it can be. Anyway, I would never want him to think it is his fault in any way, because it is not. I’m sure your mom will say the same thing – – when I look at how the last 18 years are likely now wasted – – they aren’t because I have my son, the best thing out of my marriage, and, you and your sibling are the best thing out of your parents’ marriage – NEVER, EVER FORGET THAT. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Stay strong and best of luck…

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
October 4, 2007 at 4:47 am

Dear Janet;

No. You did not ruin a thing. You are not that powerful. You are not sufficiently powerful to ruin or to mend your family. Try to leave that up to the “adults” in your life.

Rod

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MJ
October 15, 2007 at 10:37 pm

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years and 7 months now…and have been physically separated for almost 4 months. We have a 2 year old and I just gave birth to our 2nd child at the end of July ’07. Myh usband seemed to be a firm believer of God but seemed to also “straddle the fence” and wasn’t and still is not walking in line with the Word. He says he has a calling to be a Pastor and is a Prophet. Then why is this happening:

In March my husband was involved in a shooting that claimed a young man’s life. My husband shot back in self-defense and was really affected that he killed the young man but didn’t know he did ’till later on. So we all end up staying at his brother’s house in a near-by city b/c he felt it was unsafe for us to be there. At first he was with me and my son at his brother’s hosue sleeping with us, then he started sleeping over his sister’s house (about a mile away) b/c he didn’t want to stay there b/c he felt his brother’s wife did not keep the house up. Then gradually he started only sleeping with us like 2-3 times a week…claiming to be over at his sister’s house sleeping. We were still paying bills at the otherhouse and when the lights went out, he decided to stay there to guard our belongings and the house.

I had suspicions that through all this he was having an affair. I asked God to reveal it to me and confirm it. He did. I admitted myself to the hospital to get checked out and the doctor gave me a pelvic exam and told me I had an infection, and that it was an STD. So FOR SURE Iknow I didn’t give it to myself and the only person I have contracted it from was myhusband. I was so devasted how he claims to be holy and goes outside of our marriage and passes on an STD to me and our unborn child. I call him and he tells me to get out of “his” (at this time we are back at our house but he’s staying elsewhere syaing it isn’t safe for him to be there) house. So basically he kicks me out (I’m 6.5 months pregnant at the time) and of course I take our almost 2 year old with me.

We end up staying with a friend from church for 2 weeks, during those 2 weeks he didn’t try to contact me or wasn’t even concerned if I had money or food, diapers, etc. Then when he did contact me he told me to call his mom so we could stay with her…basically he didn’t want anymore repsonsibilities.

Before that he would be so critical of me, making me feel bad and guilty for things that I shouldn’t even be feeling guilty about. It was b/c of his own guilt that he was treating me bad. I remember he was driving me to work and he told me that it burns his soul when people lie. (When he was doing the lying all along) Cuz he thought I was lying about going places (when he was). Then I tell him that I married him b/c I believe he is a good guy and he says “I am” and then comes back with “I though you were a good girl but I learned other wise.” He was transferring all his guilt on me and just basically abdoned and rejected me and the kids and I say the kids b/c he doesn’t call toknow how they are doing. He didn’t even call me when I gave birth to our 2nd child.

Over the next weeks/months me and the kids relocated to be with family. I try to talk to him about us working it out and he tells me we are not getting back together and that it’s over. I keep asking him why. And he says I just don’t want to be married I don’t have to have areason to not want to be married. He was always pushing me and demanding me to go ahead and file for divorce. So next time I spoke to him I asked him if he wants it so bad then why won’t he file and he says that I can do more in the state I’m in than the state he’s in b/c we got married in the state I’m in now. (which is another lie)

I spoke to him very recently asking again and that it’s not all about him, he has a family–a wife and kids. Then he confessed that he already has a girlfriend and she is living in the house with him that’s why he wants a divorce. Then he told me I don’t know why you’re waiting on me…you need to find yourself a job and a place to stay. And I say you’re just going to leave your family for “her” ? He couldn’t say anything.

I am praying for him and that woman…(believe me not easy, I was so angry and still am)

I told him I’m not filing and since this is what he wants, and that he’s the one that rejected and abandoned his family, and decided to go outside the marriage and give me and our unborn child at the time an STD that he will have to do it.

In the meantime I’m doing what I have to do as a mother to provide for these children.

What is happening here?
Is this marriage even save-able? (is that a word?)
Will God put this marriage back together?

It’s like he’s in denial about what he’s done…..

I’m going on with my life so i can do what’s needed for me and the children and decided not to contact him unless he calls first about the children, if he wants to work it out, or if he has filed.

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MJ
October 15, 2007 at 10:50 pm

I forgot to include that this is his fourth marriage, this is my first. I turned 26 this past April and he’s turning 44 in Feb.

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sonia
October 17, 2007 at 3:02 pm

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years married for 1 1/2 and last night he told me he doesnt love me anymore. We have a 1 year old daughter and divorce is out of the question. Will he ever be able to love me again? Is it always going to feel so cold between us? I always drempt of us growing old and happy together, and it breaks my heart knowing that he is misserable. I hate him for telling me this. What do I do? Could their be someone else?

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Heather
October 18, 2007 at 5:38 pm

Ok, I wasn’t going to respond to any of this, but why else did I come here, right
My husband and I will be married 12 years on Nov 3rd 2007, together 17. We are high school sweet hearts. I love him soooo much, I feel like I am on a teeter totter, that is the only way to describe this craziness of feelings I have.
I noticed him acting stranger than normal labor day weekend beginning of sept. he went out of town for work for a few days and he usually called me alot, but not this time, I called him rather late to see why he didn’t calle me, he said “cause” I was like what, he said because he didn’t want too, acting really sarcastic, not like him at all. He went on to say, he loves me but he is not in love with me anymore. He said we have grown apart since Eskie our dog died last summer ( he was 12 and a half). I was like what, are you serious? And things have escalated from there. He doesn’t want to be married anymore, he says he wants to be single. WHOA!!!. We had a great sex life from what I thought. I also thought we were happy. he says he hasn’t been happy for a hile…..well ya could have fooled me, you schmuck!!! We did everything together, shopped, watched movies. I mean we were inseperable. He said he isn’t seeing anyone, I am like yeah right. I guess he just wants to be a HO. I am soooo hurt, and devastated, I feel like I am going crazy. It is like he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but he doesn’t want me to move on either. We are both still in the house, he is supposedly staying with a friend of his from work. I have no idea what to belive, I obviously can’t belive anything that comes out of his disgusting little mouth.I feel so sick to my stomach all the time. I feel like such a fool. We don’t have any children. I feel so all alone.

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Marri
October 22, 2007 at 7:52 pm

(I am) hurting and have nowhere else to go. I understand what so many of you are saying. My husband and I just had our 2 year anniversary and had a daughter in June. When we first met I was dating someone else. He was so sweet and waited it out. Low and behold we started dating, moved in together, got married, and had a beautiful girl. She is gorgeous.

Shortly after we got married he changed. He would always revert, but he changed. I always thought things would work out. I honestly don’t think that he is in love with me anymore. I think he loves me like you would love someone who gave you a healthy baby and no drama. I think that he wants to be single, because he has not acted like he was concerned with anyone other than himself for a long time now.

We go through so much and i tell myself I am going to leave, but I just really don’t want to. He has threatened to leave me and always come back. But i think it’s more because of our daughter and the joint property than anything else. “it’s cheaper to keep her.” It hurts a lot. On top of the fact that it feels as if he doesn’t want to be here.

I feel like damaged goods now because if we do divorce, I am damaged goods. I’m so young, divorced and now with am infant. Life sucks. I gave up so much to be with him and it feels like he takes that for granted too. I almost would have rather been single when I got pregnant, at least I would have known what i was getting into. He says he loves us, but I have to beg him to spend time with us. Like right now, he’s in the basement as usual and she and I are upstairs. Love truly does hurt. It sucks when you can literally feel your heart breaking piece by piece, daily.

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
October 22, 2007 at 8:06 pm

Dear Marri:

Thanks for writing.

I trust some of the readers will respond to your letter.

Please browse through this blog and you will see many articles that relate to your situation.

Regards,

Rod Smtih

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Heather
October 30, 2007 at 1:38 pm

Well, here’s my story for whoever wants to know. Met a guy, fell in love, moved in with him (in CA), got pregnant and started planning the wedding…but then he was physically abusive so I moved home to NC. He moved out to NC once the baby was born and he realized what he was missing. For 8 years, he continued to waiver back and forth between “Nice” Mark sometimes and “Mean” Mark others. Didn’t seem to have much to do with anything I did. I finally kicked him out 2 years ago but we were still having sex – I really wanted him to get counseling and come home b/c I do love him. But, instead, he hooked up with someone at his HS Reunion (RAHS in Minnesota) this summer and is now seriously dating her – sends texts to her with “XOXO” – makes me so sick to my stomach. He says he still loves me and is more attracted to me than her but that it just won’t work with he & I.

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Bobby
November 5, 2007 at 6:47 pm

Heather –
My heart goes out to you. I am currently going through a tough time. You should never allow someone to ruin your self worth. The main thing is the example that your daughter is exposed too. When you truly Love someone you don’t treat them in that fashion. The greatest example of Love is in John 3:16. We as humans can never reach that level but it is a great expectation each should try to achieve. For your daughters sake you need to remove yourself from someone that has no respect for you as a companion or father. Good Luck and may God Bless You.

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natalya
November 11, 2007 at 9:00 am

hi i have problem me and my husband been married only 2 years and sodenly he told me he dosent love me anymore and my son (not by my husband ) im lost i tryed to talk we had so much love when we got married we wanted more kids but now everything changed and im lost i dont know wht to do and i dont want to give up on us i can feel that some where inside he still has love for me i need help

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Missy
November 25, 2007 at 2:35 pm

I’ve been married for 13 years with two beautiful children. I believe my husband is gay. I always had a ‘hunch’ that he was, but he was often affectionate and loving and I’d dismiss my thoughts on the subject. A man has befriended my husband at work and he calls, at times, up to 8 times a day. I have confronted my husband, and he has told me no, that he is not gay and he and this coworker are just friends. However, the co-worker has been rumored to be gay. What are the true signs when your husband denies being gay, yet your gut feeling says he is.

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Andrea
December 1, 2007 at 11:16 pm

Hi,
This may sound crude and harsh, but I think there’ s a lot of truth in what I have to say. When your husband tells you that he still loves you, but like a friend or like a sister, it means he’s not physically attracted to you anymore. Obviously everyone ages, but I believe that part of being a good spouse (both partners) is to maintain a certain level of sexual appeal. We are all animals, and part (hopefully a small part) of being attracted to someone is pure physical appearance. This is unfortunate, but undeniable. The main cause of this loss of physical attraction by far (both partners) is getting fat. Fortunately, losing weight is amazingly simple. Do not diet or try any programs or anything like that. Just eat well and exercise. So simple. For a more specific guideline, just exercise every single day and don’t eat any food derived from animals. Trying to remain attractive is a spousal duty, just like being faithful, just like being honest — a duty like any other. Take it seriously and everybody wins.

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Nic
December 6, 2007 at 4:29 pm

I have read through so many of these comments and I feel terrible for each and every single person on here! As women we sort of let our husbands take such a large lead in our lives. They are the soul decision maker, soul incomes and we as women find our selves catering to each of our husbands needs. I hate that we do this! I have herd so many people say “well women are more emotional than men” men do not really get to an emotional level. No we know how to show our husbands that we care!
My Question is HOW? How is it that a man seems so incapable of feeling or showing it? How can a person spend two months or twenty years with a person and suddenly after saying all along I LOVE YOU just no longer love you! Why do so many people feel as though a divorce is easier than talking and working through something? What example is quitting teaching our children? I hear of more men walking out on there families than I can believe. I have been married for almost 5 years I personally know that marriage is not what it should be. Two people very rarely love each other the same way and keep it that way. More times than none I find that either the husband or the wife are trying to convince the other they are loved. What happened to communication? What happened to people’s devotion, and simply their word? Does true love still exist or is it just a matter of timely convenience?

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
December 6, 2007 at 5:09 pm

Hello Nic:

May I transfer your comment to a regular post? Let me know and thanks for writing.

Rod Smith

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- Tina
  January 27, 2011 at 1:53 pm
  
  I have been married for 20 years. My husband, soon to be ex is 18 years older than me. We each had kids from previous marriages and one child together. After about 10 years of marriage I started going out to bars and staying out late for months. When I look back i am not sure why i did that its like it wasnt even me. He threatened divorce at that time and i never did it again. He went away to war in 08 and when he came back he had to take a job in another state. He now wants a divorce because he says i broke his heart 10 years ago and since then i have not truly treated him as an equal partner and that i gave up on caring. I love him with all my heart. I always thought we would be together forever but i know i took him for granted. He will not consider counseling because he says he loves me and cares about me but hasnt been in love with me for the last 10 years so there isnt anything to work on.I cant imagine my life without him and it is so hard because he is in another state and he wont see me to talk face to face because he says he has to much anger towards me. I know i need to find myself and why i stopped caring i just want another chance. someone please give me some help.
  
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Nic
December 8, 2007 at 7:53 pm

Rod, I am not sure what you mean by a “regular post”? I just happened to stumble across this website and started to read and got interested and wrote my thoughts.

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regina
December 11, 2007 at 12:50 pm

well I have one for the books….I am married 22 years, with him 24 years. we have one daughter. We have a second home in the city and his job moved there. so he started staying in the 2nd home since it was only 5 minutes from the job. he would come home on weekends. we have an apartment which we rent to a single mom and her mother and the child. her daughters father lives one block away. he started to work 6 days a week, spending weekends there and not coming home since he was “tired”. well, I just found a letter from her begging him to come back to her. He lives in one part of the house and she in the apartment. she is my tenent. turned out they have been seeing each other for 8 months. when i asked why, he replied that “we grew apart”. “he was lonely”. Lonely my ass. now I have a mess on my hands. she will have to move. i dont trust him. but he does not want a divorce and says he still loves me. says i am a great business partner. i asked if he would do it again. he replied he is not a priest. said he was not attracted to me anymore. talk about getting kicked in the teeth. every dog has his day and i will have mine. i just cannot make sense of it. i also cant get a straight answer. i am surrounded my deceit.

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Vita
December 15, 2007 at 6:20 pm

I read these messages and feel good I am not alone but sad that we all have to feel the anguish in a relationship that is suppose to be loving, comfortable, everlasting and trusting. I married my husband only 3 months of knowing him. We have been married a year now and he just told me that he thinks he made a mistake. This is a blow to my heart. I can not help but replay this statement he made over and over and over aain in my head. Due to all the other issues I am facing along with with hime now telling this to me, I have very breif thoughts of ending it all. However, I must keep my mind staying on God….

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cb
December 15, 2007 at 8:44 pm

It’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through this. My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years; two years ago he said our sex life was boring and he wanted to try new things, I agreed. That went alright for awhile but now we’ve gone almost a year without sex. Truthfully our last sexual encounter was only because I complained that i hadn’t had sex in months and was debating calling myself a born again virgin. He grabbed me, we had a less than 10 minute sexual encounter that made me feel so worthless i wanted to pack my bags and leave immediately. We’re now one month away from the year anniversary of that awful encounter and I’m wondering what to do. I’ve tried talking to him, he says he still loves me. As for the no sex, he has a different excuse each time. He blames it on his job, he says he hasn’t been feeling well, he says he has a lot on his mind. He says everything except telling me what is really going on. We were watching a show the other day where the guy opted for murder instead of divorce and my husband said ‘I don’t blame him, divorce is expensive’. I replied ‘should I be worried’. I’ve told him that if he wants to end the marriage he should just say so and we’ll end things peacefully. I also said that if he has an affair or makes me feel really bad and forces me to ask for the divorce so he can tell everyone he thought the marriage was fine and the problem must be me then he can expect me to take him to the cleaners. He’s trying to keep me happy by buying me stupid things such as stuffed animals. If we had sex for every stuffed animal he’s given me then we’d never have gotten out of bed. I don’t have enough room for all these stupid things. It’s almost 3 a.m. and I’m sitting here binging from the stress. I don’t know what to do. Yes we still love each other but I’m in my 40’s; I don’t feel I should have to roll over and play dead just because he doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t know if he’s seeing someone else. I now wish he was so that I knew where I stood and could finally move on with my own life! I’ve told him it’s clear you’re not interested in me physically and he says I’m wrong. I’m overweight but I’ve been overweight my whole life and the stress of this situation isn’t helping me any. I almost feel like divorce would probably be better for me emotionally and physically at this stage since the stress of not knowing is getting to be too much. My biggest anger with this is that he and I never had children and I feel like I’ve wasted my time with him and because of him (he’s the one who can’t have kids) I feel like I missed out on a major part of life. I’m in my late 40’s but I want to run out and get pregnant before it’s too late. I want to have a family and I feel like he’s keeping me from that by not being honest with me.

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
December 15, 2007 at 10:52 pm

There is SO much going on here…… please get some face-to-face help. in short I wanted to say that…..

More sex will be as effective as getting more stuffed animals – if you want marital integrity. Then, to “run out and get pregnant” will bring you added complications. Until each party is willing to address, and face your mutual underlying alienation, you will think you need more sex, and he will think you need more stuffed animals.

Rod Smith

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joy
December 18, 2007 at 9:08 am

Hey cb and others. I have been married coming up to a year on Jan 20th 2008. My year has been so down. My husband prefers drinking with his 3 loser buddies than being around any positive people.I hardly see him. I feel like we are in very early stage relationship. I hacve been sadly married now 4 times, and I think Iam crazy!!!! I was ateen bride, my husband abused me, then the next had an affair, then the next tried mol;esting my children, then this so called, I will take care of you, SPENDS HIS DAYS AFTER WORK DRINKING, AND WEEKENDS SIMILAR, i GET WHATS LEFT!! i FEEL HE wanted a mother!!! I am very intelligenbt except when it comes to love., I forgive AND GET SHAFTED!!!! bY THE WAY, HE HAS JUST LEFT ME FOR HIS MATES!!! HE IS 50!! HELP!INEED SOME FRIENDS!!!!!I JUST WANTED SOME OF HIS TIME! aM i SCREWED UP???!!!!

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vi
December 19, 2007 at 2:11 am

hello just like everyone here my husband for almost 20 years told me he dont love me anymore i was so hurt i did not see it coming i always beleive he love me he told me there is no other woman i fell so lost and he been losing weight since nov pls tell me what to do i am so hurt not sure what to do

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Girchbeb
December 20, 2007 at 12:56 am

I feel so bad for everyone on here. I am having an issue of my own. I have been married only a little over 3 months and every time we have a fight, my husband says he wants a divorce. How do I deal with this? I don’t want a divorce but I feel if he does, it will eventually happen. I feel so low and worthless because of him saying this all the time. Then I feel angry and want to just say “F you” to him. What’s his problem? Nic, you expressed it all very well. I have a lot of those same questions. How can he pretend to love me all this time and when the chips are down, he wants to just give up. I guess it says more about him than it does about me. I am not a quitter, but apparently he is. “When the going gets tough…”

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vi
December 20, 2007 at 7:07 am

Dec18 husband said he dont love me when he says that i look at him said why ? he said for pass few month this is what he been thinking i did not see it coming coz to me everything its just the same he everyday he told me he love ,, kiss.. and hugging me the way he hold me the touch its always the same ..when he left for work that night i feel i something die on me the feeling i feel its like the day i recieve a call from family that my mother passed away that what i fell i cry all night throwing up dont sleep , he call me from work that he was so wrong for thinking this coz he does love me to much.he said sorry forgive me for saying those words i just look at him and smile i dont know what to feel coz now when i walk up in the morning that words is the one i hear i know he love me i just dont understand why he say it and how do i erase that word in my mind its really really hurt.

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cb
December 20, 2007 at 7:07 pm

How awful of him to say that. I don’t think I could ever forget if he said that to me. Unfortunately part of me wishes my husband would say that so that I can get on with my life. He says ‘love ya’ when he leaves, when we kiss it’s only a quick hello or goodbye kiss, his boss asked how I was doing and he told him ‘she caught my cold and now she’s mad; we’re already sleeping apart from each other and yet she still blames me for her getting sick’. I couldn’t believe he said that. We’re not sleeping apart we”re just two strangers sharing the same bed. When I told my husband that’s how I felt he told me that I was being ridiculous and hormonal! Since I’m pre menopause he blames all my feelings on that. Us not having sex in a year has nothing to do with hormonl feelings; it has to do with him not even trying to be with me. When I’ve made the moves he shut down so quick. He acted as if it was the worst thing in the world. He spent a lot of money on me for my birthday, way over budget. This is a guy who when we were first married I had to ask if I could buy cereal. We never go out, the last time we went out to dinner as a couple was over 10 years ago. He clearly doesn’t want to be with me yet he refuses to say so. I think he wants me to end the marriage so he can tell everyone it was my fault. I recently told him I wanted to take driving lessons which are expensive and before would never have agreed to but this time he said okay without any argument or discussion. I can’t help but think he’s feeling guilty. One other thing, he’s never cared about his looks before and now he’s extremely conscious of his appearance. He doesn’t know I saw him shaving the other day, shaving in an area that was only reserved for me and was something we initially did during foreplay. Now he does it alone and quietly so I can’t see him. Who’s he shaving for. If he’s not having sex with me then who. I wish I knew for sure so I could end this confusion and start to live again. He keeps telling me it’s my imagination and that he loves me. To me, sex with one another is part of showing your love and he’s not doing that. I have to ask for a hug. Even when my mom passed away he didn’t show any love or concern for me. He just said ‘my condolences’. He never asked how I was feeling . My mom lived far away from us and my family paid for me to go to the funeral since we didn’t have the money. He was furious about that. Within hours of her passing he was yelling and screaming at me. I told him then that if he wanted me to come back and continue this marriage he could call me at my moms house where I would be staying to clean up her belongings. My siblings told me I needed to come back since they felt I was making my decision under stress and not thinking clearly but I’m still sorry I came back. I can’t help but feel like I should have left a long time ago. Now I don’t know how to end it or what to do. Am I overreacting, am I making a mistake if I end it, is there still hope for us. I’m so confused.

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vi
December 21, 2007 at 12:07 am

Im so confused after he told me he dont love something on me just died but he said he really love he was wrong for thinking that or say it he ask for forgivenes and now when he told me he love me i quetion my self if he really say it from his heart but the love he show me for almost 20 years still there and still the same touch ,, the hugging. kissis and maken love its the same but ,, you all think he really love me if he does why he say that its hurt 😦 pls advice

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Sherry
December 23, 2007 at 3:06 pm

Well last year my husband told me I was fat & ugly and I didn’t look good in lingerie and didn’t turn him on anymore. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried for days. I still cry about it if I focus on it. Our marriage has sucked for about the last 3 years. I keep hoping it’ll improve but realistically I know it is not going to. Last night he told me he didn’t trust me any more and didn’t “think” there was any love there either. For once in our relationship that didn’t bother me. I normally cry when he says hurtful things but this time I didn’t. I just smiled, stood up and walked out of the room. I’m going to work on a divorce plan this week. I finally reached a point where I have had enough and I’m not going to stay just because of the kids. I’m nervous about being on my own again since I make very little and he has basically supported me for the last 11 years, but I’m ready to be happy again and I don’t see happiness coming if I stay with him.

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vi
December 24, 2007 at 1:17 am

like i said he said sorry after few hour for saying he dont love me now we are are back he same he love me but i question thats so i dont know i am still hurting i love him w have a good married its just shocking me really hard ,i still canot believe it i dont really see it coming i hope one day i forgive him .. right now ..i am just worry about the kids and of course i am scrared
for almost 20 years i always beleive he loves me i dont know ..knows..so confused and all

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sam
December 27, 2007 at 12:13 am

when my husband said to me that he loved me but most of the time he didn’t well that was a real hurtful thing but you know what i’m real gald he told me that because that explains why our relationship does not improve. If a person does not like someone nice comments or anything physical is never going to happen. I don’t get a kiss, a hug, anice comment, a i love you over the phone nothing all this is truely forced well enough is enough you can’t force love no matter if you feel diffrent for him as i learned the heck with him then 7 years down the drain well so be it then. I will not hurt anymore this makes space for someone who will love me, romance me, makes me laugh, and talk about things like very best friends. I have 3 kids one of another previouse marriage and 2 with him but you know what i rather my kids not be around all this fighting and raise them in a better enviorment with dear old mom well i am not to old i am only 31 but still with all this crud and stress i feel SUPER old. His lost i say because a bad wife i was not so too bad i say life goes on and so i am moving out with my kids starting a new life we will attend every family function there is and just simply have fun if feel i need to cry that’s why there are pee breaks and then i will put a smile right back on my face till i suck out all the sad from me. I am not the first nor the last i am sad to say but we will get over this. How dumb i don’t love you anymore…well then whatever and if there is someone else then good luck to her i am not concerned. I know who i am and what i did so no worries here! Ladies take it, move on, your kids will always come first and be happy with them and you will find out that they are all you need. Latter you will find someone for yourself again and will be able to strut your stuff again and be happy when the time is right! Good luck to you all!

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Carla
January 4, 2008 at 2:15 pm

I am so happy I am not alone. My husband has consistently been emotionally abusive. He calls me horrible names and is always trying to control my life. He is constantly unfaithful and I do not know why I am still here. He just recently told me he didn’t love me anymore and I knew that was coming. I feel like the christian thing to do is to stand on my marriage and work with him…

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Rod
January 4, 2008 at 2:21 pm

Dear Carla:

Consider calling me. I will send you the number: no tricks or strings attached or hidden agendas….. Please, also see many other posts — particularly the ones addressed to women who are Christians and are married….. to difficult men…..

Rod Smith

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di
January 5, 2008 at 12:28 am

I am in a situation that i feel i will never recover from. I have been married for 4 years and am currently 7 months pregnant. I dated my husband for 3 years prior to our marriage. Less than one year into our marriage my husband told me that he didn’t love me anymore and that he had feelings for someone else (a girl he met at work). I took the news very badly and ended up in the hospital. We tried a few sessions of marital counselling after that and things seemed to get better. I told him that I didn’t want him to say “I love you” until he really meant it. One year later, and after quitting his old job where he worked with the girl he liked, he confessed again that he had still been in touch with her. He said that he didn’t love me and that he had fallen in love with her. He seemed remorseful and felt guilty and was open to trying marital counselling again. We tried a few sessions and things seemed to be going okay. We stopped going after the therapist said we were fine. (I knew we were not fine!) During the year I kept asking my husband how he felt things were between us. Sex has always been an issue, particularly my issue. And i often felt pressure to have sex with him, but how do you have sex with someone who says they don’t love you? In spite of the lack in our sex life, he kept saying things were okay. Then suddenly about a month ago, he said he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore and went to stay with his parents. I waited in limbo while he “sorted out” his feelings. Two days before Christmas he told me he wanted to separate and that our marriage was over. I felt like my life ended that day. I am pregnant with our first child and now there is no father to care for it. I feel abandoned and alone. I tried everything i could think of to get him to stay. I begged him not to leave me. That only seemed to anger him and drive him further away. It’s been a week or two now and i am accepting that he doesn’t want me and won’t come back. My question is how do you pick up the peices of your life? How do you get over something so devastating?

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vi
January 5, 2008 at 5:54 am

oh lord sorry to hear that i know what you feelling when i hear i dont love you anymore and i want devorce and i dont know what im feelling its killing me i dont know what to think all i feel is my world is over just like your husband he sorted his feelling before new year eve he told me he want us and we are back but i still keep asking him about the words he said its same like we are just like before nothing said .if i dont think about it but i canot help it thinking about it and not to ask . and Di i pray for you pray for your husband that hope he make a right choice and clear his mind before its to late

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vi
January 6, 2008 at 2:59 pm

Will time to move on i try and try but i wont force my self to a man does not love me i will be happy again but right now still hurt i dont deserve this one day you woke up and your husband tell you i dont love you anymore grrrr the shock is killing me and i told him dont tell me about the pass is like this like thats i know there is another woman thats the reason he told me that its just excuses excuses about passed but now im rready he want to go alone go for it enjoy and good luck and no more turning back i feel everyone felling here i know its killing us but that the way it is we deserve better than this coz if we are to bad we cannot make it to 20 years married Good Luck all !

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Ann
January 8, 2008 at 5:01 pm

Hi Ladies, just a bit of advice, if your husband says he doesn’t want to be married or doesn’t love you anymore, as much as it hurts, the best thing you can do is nothing……Go about your business, act happy, be nice, don’t beg, don’t plead, don’t cry and make him try to feel sorry for you. Listen to me, as hard as this sounds it works. Work on yourself, be your own person, let him always see you are happy. Men don’t want to pull away from happy women!! They want to pull away from a woman who is yelling, nagging, etc etc. I AM NOT SAYING IT’S YOUR FAULT BY ANY MEANS!!!!!

Starting today, start taking care of yourself, pamper yourself, love yourself the way you want to be loved, throw your energy into your kids and yourself. Any contact with your husband or boyfriend be nothing but pleasant and nice. no fighting, no blaming. If he brings up divorce, breaking up tell him you don’t want that but YOU’LL SUPPORT HIM IN HIS DECISION. And leave it at that.

Sometimes, men just go thru this stuff, maybe mid life crisis??

Get your hair done, nails done (if you can afford to do so) give yourself facials, make yourself feel good about yourself and it will shine through.

Remember, no yelling, no begging him, no freaking out on him, that only pushes them away more!!

And don’t keep bringing up the past of hurtful things he has said and did, that just creates more drama.

Best of luck to all of you!!!!

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Katherine
January 11, 2008 at 9:49 am

Although I can see some merit in the last poster’s response, much of it is only applicable early on when lines of communication are open and hope exist.

My husband after 20 some years was a nice good guy. I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world as we were genuinely best friends – what a farce! Within a month or so he started to change. Turned his back 180 degrees and didn’t want to be around me, talk with me or have me in his life. Needless to write it has been devastating. I feel as this has been a nightmare or he has gone off the deep end.

Which brings me to what I have done about it and where my head has been during these months of anguish.

Well, I’ve hit 3 markers.

1st Marker. I was supportive, empathetic and worked on myself; (we were still living together during this time). Soon thereafter he left as my self change and supportiveness wasn’t enough.

2nd marker – Gradual acceptance and loss of hope. I could click away this hope, which in itself was its own pain;. If I’m brutally honest I still hold out a morsel of hope for him – but 99% is gone During this stage I began to pull away and see myself as a single person.

3rd and current marker – deep deep anger. Why should I make life easy for this pathetic fragment of character? It would feed right into his selfish hands and help him avoid and forget the last 20 some years with me and his lies. Why in the hopes of getting him back??? I want him to pay for the emotional pain he has put me through. I want him to feel the anguish. My sep/prop agreement will make him pay financially but its not enough. We don’t have kids, thank goodness because I wouldn’t know how to hide these feelings from them. I just know that these feelings are “War of the Roses”. There was a lot of passion in our relationship and it’s transferred into some negative ball of anger within me. I feel as if I will either self destruct and in the process bring him down. I’m not exaggerating here, I want the man to crumble .

Oh as far as another’s comment of whether he found me sexually appealing or attractive. This is one area that is not applicable to my situation. He finds me attractive and appealing – it’s my personality and the past that he says he can’t stand. And yes I worked out my kinks and in the process I should thank the idiot for making me a better person, less this anger I now feel.

Anger, hopeless and destructive and I don’t know what to do with these feelings. Please someone help.

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lou
January 15, 2008 at 8:11 pm

If he is cheating, and sadly I have loved a man who is unable to remain faithful, let this be a lesson. He may love you, but he will always cheat. I am 10 years in and have kids. He is a total bastard but I love him. Please move on, he will never make you happy. I believe a man who loves a woman would treat her better. You deserve adoration and respect. Clearly you are not getting this. If, he is able to satisfy you at home, then you will manage the disloyalty. I doubt it. You want his love, if he can give it, fab! But, if he hesitates, negotiates, you know he ain’t the man. Not that he isn’t perfect, but, he is no longer you’re perfect. He chooses to be different, seperate, distant, as he is a seperate thing. You are the same if no more. Youn are the power and force. You are the love, gentle, caring, kind, thoughtful, able, creative, determined person. He is the decider. Give yourself power. YOU deserve it all

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sam
January 16, 2008 at 11:35 am

I get what Ann is saying, (a few posts up) but when one has a husband who is also DONE trying to make things work with his child, it’s more complicated. We have an extremely stressful home life and my husband does not want to go to family therapy, he hates the idea of even working through a book together. He said this morning, in front of our nine year old, that he was pretty much done trying to make things work in our family. I’m so devastated. I never thought that someone I loved for so long, and who loved me, could change so much. We’ve been married 11 years, friends for years before that, and now because of a difficult child, he’s become an angry, closed-off, verbally offensive husband and father. Life feels so unbelievably long and unbearable at this moment.

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Katherine
January 17, 2008 at 11:51 pm

I thought I was the only one. I don’t know why I thought that, but I did. I felt so alone. Now that I know that I’m not the only woman a husband just up and leaves, I feel a little better, but I feel sad for all of you too. I’m going to be having our child in two weeks, and I’m not sure where my husband is. He’s miltary, and things were so wonderful in the beginning, and we were happy. Then, one day he left for a training, and he came back a different man. It was awful. I’m back home with my parents, for the first time ever. I’m 28, I have three children from a previous marriage, and I think the only word that I can think of to describe myself is failure. How could I fail again? I feel like he was just testing the waters to see if he liked the “dad” and “husband” role, he having never been married before. I guess when I got pregnant and he realized it was forever, he freaked. I don’t know. All I know is that he left and we haven’t heard a word from him in three months. The kids wonder where he’s gone, I don’t even know if he’s going to be at the hospital. I doubt it. I don’t know what I’m going to tell our daughter. I can’t get over the “why” questions. I just felt so shocked. So betrayed. So angry and disappointed. I’m slowly beginning to make plans for my future. Does anyone else find it difficult to forgive? Is anyone else stuck? I pray and I pray, some days I feel better than others, but will it ever really stop hurting?

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Mikki
January 19, 2008 at 9:50 pm

I’ve been married going on 12 years this year and Monday, my husband told me that he didn’t think he loved me anymore. He said he needed to think things thru and get his thoughts together. I’m not real sure what this means for me and my child. I thought we were doing great! I am kind of scared of starting over. I don’t know if I know really know how or where to start. My family lives 500 miles away. He says he’s not sure of his feelings yet. So does that mean I just wait around until he’s sure? I also have all the “why” questions like the post above me. I feel hurt and sick to my stomach. I feel so confused. I too pray for strength and guidance while he’s “making up his mind”. He said he’s beeing “faking” that he loves me for a long time. Ouch… that hurts. I have cried for days and only today have I done better with that. My child needs me to focus on him now and make him feel secure, but I feel so upset, lonely and betrayed by his father, that it’s hard to concentrate on what I need to do. Do you all feel this way? I feel like I’m going to end up homeless under a bridge somewhere, ya know?! Just sick and scared to death!

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VAL
January 27, 2008 at 12:12 pm

MIKKI,

I AM WHERE YOU ARE WITH A 5 YR OLD DAUGHTER AND JUST WANT MY HUSBAND TO ATTACH HIMSELF TO ME AND HER AND NOT HIS JOB AND HIS PARENTS. HE IS A MOMMAS BOY AND TELLS HER ALL HIS PROBLEMS. I WISH THAT I COULD JUST KEEP MY MOUTH CLOSED AS HE ASKED ME TO BUT I AM SO FRUSTRATED, HURT AND SICK AT MY STOMACH. THE OTHER DAY I GOT MAD AT HIM AND HE PUT HIS HANDS ON ME THEN I TURNED AND THREW AN OBJECT AT HIM. I KNOW THIS IS REALLY ABUSIVE ON BOTH OF OUR PARTS BUT I AM ALMOST READY TO GET A DIVORCE. GOOD LUCK HANG IN THERE AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE HURTING!!

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di
January 31, 2008 at 10:09 pm

Need some advice… my husband and I separated only a few weeks ago. I am eight months pregnant. (I posted my story a few posts up). He said that he didn’t love me anymore, that in fact he had fallen out of love with me three years ago (we’ve been married for four). I was devastated. I still am! I am having such a hard time getting over him. On his part, he seems fine and ready to get on with his life. Well, I just found out that he’s having a “special someone” over for dinner tommorow night. I assume he’ll be cooking for her because that’s what he used to do for me. I feel sick to my stomach. I am shaking I am so upset. I want to go to the house (that we still own together!) and walk in on them and catch him! Is that so wrong? I want to make him feel guilty for abandoning me. But will he feel guilt or only annoyance that i’ve ruined his special night. Advice please!

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MJ
February 2, 2008 at 12:35 am

why did you leave the house that you two own together? If you don’t feel like you’re ready to file, don’t. Do it only when you are ready. Have you gotten tested for STDs? I have been there, my husband was cheating on me I believe since i was almost 6mos pregnant. He gave me 2 STDs. Luckily none of them were life threatening…but it’s shocking b/c something could’ve happened to our unborn child. I would refer you to marriagebuilders.com Start there, I’m sure plenty of people there would give you encouragement and support. Statistics show that affairs don’t last. And if they do get married it’s very likely it won’t last. Please go and visit marriagebuilders.com and start posting on the forum.

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di
February 3, 2008 at 2:21 am

I left because it was too painful for me to stay there, with all of our memories. After initially telling me that he did not want to be married anymore, I tried several times to convince him to come back, to try counselling, to try to work on our marriage. I literally begged him not to leave me. He said it was over, and said it with such finality that I know it’s over for him. He swore to me that there was nothing physical between he and this other woman (I don’t believe there is an issue with STD’s), but i know that there was an emotional affair while we were married. Having been separated only a few weeks, with the papers not even being signed, I was so devastated that he would start seeing her so quickly…. I never even had a chance. I think he was waiting for us to be finished so he could finally be with her. I have no choice but to file now, whether i am ready to or not. I don’t want to put my life on hold hoping that his relationship with this other woman doesn’t last. I want to move on too. But i still love him so much and i just can’t seem to get over him. I don’t want to live every moment wondering what he’s doing and imagining him with her. It’s a slow torture….
Thanks for the website… i’ll check it out. Question… are you still with your husband?

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MJ
February 7, 2008 at 3:49 am

Again, I hope you’ve visited marriagebuilders.com
I believe it can help you a lot! I would stop with the begging, pleading, reasoning with him. That will push him away more. It’s like reasoning with a drunk person – just doesn’t work! Do not appear needy, don’t try to make him feel sorry for you. Be strong. Show him you CAN make it w/out him.

You don’t believe there’s an issue with STDs?? Please get checked for your sake and your child’s sake. Even though he IS your husband..do not put anything past him. I also thought there wasn’t an issue…until I got the results.

You said: ‘I was so devastated that he would start seeing her so quickly…”

He has been seeing her all along…

Please go to marriagebuilders.com, even if you don’t want to post anything at least read the posts there. Make sure you post/read in the general topics II forum.

DO NOT file or sign anything based on your emotions. I urge you to file if and when YOU are ready. You CAN move on w/out getting a divorce. I have. I’ve gone back to school and given my children a waaaaaay better life then I had with him. I still love him, but it’s his loss, not mine.

Time will heal all wounds. I KNOW it is hard NOT to think of what they’re doing. But in time you will not think of it as much.

We’re still married. I found out he filed for divorce in the state he’s in. The info he gave on his complaint, even though signed by the judge is NOT VALID. So…I believe it won’t even go tthrough. God knows my heart and I’m keeping my faith in His promise to me. That is why things are not going to work out the way my husband wants it to regarding this divorce. A lot of things are going on that are not quite right. At first I was shocked..but my instincts tell me it won’t go through.

Please, PLEASE check that site out.

Hope you get tested…it’s for the sake of your health and your baby’s health. I’m glad I did it.

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Mister
February 10, 2008 at 2:12 pm

Well, my relationship of 4 years was confirmed this morning when she woke me up to say that she loves me and that she wasn’t in love with me anymore. She told me that I did nothing to her and that I’ve been the best man ever to her. But she says she doesn’t know why but her feelings are getting stronger. So I must move in a month. I love her alot and part of me says fight for her and the other part says let it be. This is hard to handle because I don’t have children and have adapted to her three children. Its hard to be a good man. Be told I’m a good man and then come to find out it doesn’t mean jack. Women always talking about finding a good man and how hard it is to find one. Well from this experience women don’t know what to do when they do get what they think they want.

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Kelly
February 15, 2008 at 3:47 pm

My husband left us (my son and I) – Oct of 2006 – from Nov 06 to Aug 07 we continued our sexual relationship – we had a closer relationship, so I thought then we did when we lived together. Aug 07 – we talk and he said that he never had any intention of ever getting back together, that he basically used me for sex. I on the other hand, was falling back in love with him, and he had every intention of doing this to me, I think. Now, he is seeing another woman, or should I say girl – it hurts, as he has told our son, that he can not see this relationship being forever, he is not serious, she will not get involved in our sons life. This was 1 month ago he told him – well, she is now involved in my son’s life. How can a father tell his son all of this – knowing that he would tell me and give me hope that there is still a chance with us. i will not give up until we are divorced, as I love with man with all my heart. Please comment – am I being naive and have hopeful when I shouldn’t be

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Tami
February 18, 2008 at 8:58 pm

My husband called me on Friday to tell me how much he loved me. The following Tuesday he came home and told me he was leaving me. He moved his clothes out Saturday. He called me the following Thursday morning, which was Valentine’s Day to tell me happy valentine’s day. He told me he was going to call me later that night to discuss things. He never called so that night I went over to his brother’s at 10, where he was staying. He was asleep in his work uniform and had been since he got off work. The next day he came over and told me I had until Thursday to file a divorce or he would. He told me he still loves me but I make him weak. He told me that when he looks at me it’s like there is a wall between us. He told me he is still in love with me but that he doesn’t want to be with me. He finally today agreed to go to marriage counseling but he has a bad attitude about it. It’s all so weird.

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MJ
February 22, 2008 at 2:51 am

Tami,

your husband seems CONFUSED. Is this a sudden change in his attitude?

Do not file for divorce unless you are ready to. There are so many things to think about before filing. I suggest you seek legal help just to stay a step head.

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cb
February 23, 2008 at 8:54 am

I complained to my husband about our lack of physical relations and told him I wasn’t going to wait forever nor did I intend to go without for the rest of my life. The next morning he had the nerve to say ‘come on let’s do it, you said you wanted it’. I just looked at him and told him I didn’t want it that way nor did I want it if I have to nag and beg. I’m trying to work up the courage to say we need to end it, there’s nothing left and I no longer care what he thinks. My male friends have all said ‘the problem has gone on too long, it doesn’t sound like it can be repaired’. I agree and I’m now at the point where i don’t want to fix it. Any suggestions, this isn’t living, I feel like I died a long time ago. I just don’t care about anything anymore, he’s hurt me emotionally so much. His neglecting me has made me feel worthless as a woman, has made me feel ugly and in reaction to that pain I’ve gained 20 lbs. I just wish he would tell me he doesn’t love me, I wish he would have an affair, I wish he would leave me, tell me it’s over, anything to end it so I don’t have to continue with this emptiness and loneliness. Due to our financial situation I need for him to end it, he knows I’m trapped and have no where to go, he knows I can’t survive on my own until a divorce is final. He controls the finances, he makes the money, the home is in his name, I have no one here and he knows it.

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Debbie
March 2, 2008 at 11:22 pm

My husband began acting differently after our 25th anniversary in 2006. He changed the way he wore his hair, bought different clothing, got expensive eye glasses, started drinking more frequently, and started taking cooking classes even though he’d never cooked anything in his life. He lost interest in sex – at least with me, and also lost interest in other activities we used to enjoy as a couple and a family. We have two children, ages 13 & 18, and they noticed a change in him as well. We’d been planning to redo the kitchen and he suddenly decided not to. Our life stayed in this weird, cold, distant hold pattern for over a year. I’d ask him if he was mad at me about something or if he wanted a divorce, but the answer was alway no. Then in November 2007, two days after I was elected to local office and we were on vacation, he told me he wasn’t happy, he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. He says he’s not seeing anyone, but I don’t know for sure if that’s true. It’s now March and I’m still waiting for him to file for a divorce. He doesn’t want me to get an attorney or discuss it with anyone, including relatives. But I’ve already told my family anyway. He says he’ll get around to getting a separation agreement drawn up when he feels like it. Living with someone who doesn’t love me, but won’t take action to end the marriage and doesn’t want me to either is like a very cruel form of torture. I just want him to divorce me if he’s going to, so I can get on with my life. What’s he waiting for? What can I do?

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ACC
March 10, 2008 at 12:32 pm

My wife of 6 years just told me last night that we had grown apart and that the passion had gone away,hence she wants to separate.Her mom just diad in November and she is sort of in an urge to start over in every aspect of her life, including the vows we took 6 years ago.
I need some outlook to this
Please

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rose
March 11, 2008 at 10:07 pm

Bobbie, where are you? Tell me what is going on with you? Are you doing better?

ACC, give her some space. Give yourself sometime to also reflect. its going to be hard, but answers will come with time.

Dear Debbie, I can so relate. Take the advice that I have not been able to take myself. Divorce him. Take control of your life.

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vi
March 15, 2008 at 12:25 am

when husband told me he dont love me i was :…..: my mouth dropp ack and find out he been talking to a woman he said just a friend i said let me your friend the woman dont want to meet me so i just let them talk i never bothered or interrup them he ask me for devorce i said k go away and their a time i dont answer my husband phone call at all i show it to him im ready on what ever happen i told him im done crying , i have enought stress .. cannot eat im done on that so let get devorce go away and that time he woke up and tell the woman dont call anymore i believe him nothing happen to them coz he always in the house money still the same nothing messing but the trust i have for him before is not the same anymore not sure if will come back and every week i always nuggg always ask i dont care im still hurt 😦

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Kathy
March 15, 2008 at 3:14 pm

I have been a lonely marriage for over 20 yrs. with a husband that is a loner and sex has been a big fighting topic for years. For a long time, I hung on in hopes that things would get better. Why do women put their husbands before themselves? Is it something that is instilled in us a small girls? My parents were not happy and my dad cheated on my mom. Now we are having trouble with our son getting a job and making something of his life. He is content staying in his room all day and night and being difficult to deal with. I find myself losing it on a consistent basis because I see nothing get better. Men cannot seem to admit that their behavior is 80% of the problem a lot of times because they are stubborn. We must, as women, hold ourselves up high and know in our hearts that this life was given to us by our creator. We have to stop living our life around some man that treats us badly and we allow it to happen. We have to not be afraid of moving out, making new friends (men or women) and starting over. We have to value ourselves and be happy. For years I tried to make sense of things, but when you are married to someone who makes you feel crazy and that you are the problem, then I do feel it is time to move out for a period of time and search for clear answers. Love yourself, ask for help from family or friends, and know that God wants us all to be happy, happy people and not to be walked on by any man.

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MJ
March 22, 2008 at 11:40 pm

Spouses,

take control of your life. You CAN’T control your wife’s husband’s actions/attitudes, BUT

YOU can control how you react. Change begins with you.

As mentioned before, answers will come in time. Take this time to work on YOU.

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Shauna
April 3, 2008 at 3:20 pm

Hi,
My husband and I have been married for 8 years been together for 9, we have 2 children 6 an 7, after a few months of my noticing there was something bothering him (I asked him constantly what was wrong) I finally had had enough and told him he needs to figure out what was going on, he told me that he didn’t know if he loved me, he thought that I never wanted to marry him (which is the furthest from the truth that I have ever heard!) and he wanted to separate, he moved in with his mother last night and I am a total mess, I put on a brave face for my children, but as soon as they go to bed I cry myself to sleep, I love him with all my heart and I told him this several times, I asked him to go to counseling before he left and he said he didn’t think it would help. Then as he was leaving he told me he was leaving to see if we can work things out. I want him back, and I want to give him space and time but then part of me really just wants him to get some help and talk to someone, does anyone have any advice?

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Chrissy
April 9, 2008 at 3:32 am

I wish I was there to give all of you a hug. I know it hurts. And I know that it seems like the pain will never end. I can’t tell you when your heart will begin to mend, but I can tell you that it will get better a little bit at a time.
My husband admitted to me that he is not in love with me. This was something I suspected during the pregnancy of our now four year old son. We’ve been married now for 5 1/2 years. I can’t really tell you that my heart is mended. but the pain of being in a lifeless, passionate marriage doesn’t seem to hurt as much anymore. There is no sex, only when I initiate it (Which I don’t anymore). No dates, no birthday presents, Christmas gifts, mother days, anniversaries, valentines, no just becauses, etc. I pretend to not care when a special event comes around, but deep down inside, it seems to reopen old wombs. so I remedy this problem by buying my own flowers and getting all dressed up and going out to a dinner and movie by myself. I’ve gotten used to it. It’s much better than waiting on him to ask me out.
And the worst part about this whole situation is that he thinks that his marriage is okay the way it is. I hate it when he calls me sweetheart. I hate it when he carry on in the house like we’re not together. we sleep in seperate rooms and part our seperate ways during the day. (It’s mostly him leaving the room when I enter it.)
He’s not a bad person, everybody around us think that he is the perfect guy, father, christian, provider and presumably, husband. As a matter of fact, my family thinks that I am an ingrate wife for sometimes compalining. But then again they can’t quite understand why there seems to be little or no life left in me. That I’m not the same happy go lucky Chrissy that I used to be. They don’t want to hear the truth, so I don’t tell them the truth. And the truth is I am trapped in a lifeless marriage. I pray for all of you ladies. Please keep your head up.

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Amanda
May 31, 2008 at 10:24 am

I thought I was all alone unitl coming to this site. I’m relieved to find out that i’m not, but it saddens me to think that there are so many other women feeling the pain i’m going through. I’ve been with my husband for four and a half years, married for 3 1/2. We have two beautiful children, both girls. They are 3 and 1 1/2. My husband also told me, about 6 days ago that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. We have had a lot of rough times in our life together as well. When we first got together I was hurting from a previous relationship. I was cold and distant from him and could not bring myself to love him, as I was in love with the other man still. He was patient with me and worked with me to try and get me to open up. I liked him, yes but I didn’t feel sparks with him. I did love hanging out with him, though. Like grew to love eventually and I thought we were happy. We got married and had a baby. We were very young..17 when we got married. Throughout our first 6 months or so of being married everything was fine. Then when I was 7 months pregnant with our first child he told me he was no longer in love with me and wanted to seperate. He was back after a week and cried and told me he was sorry. I forgave him and all was ok. When I found out I was pregnant again he freaked out.. our 1st was only 8 months old and I was on birth control and it was totally unplanned. He lost his job and refused to look for work elsewhere. I was going to college, working full time, taking care of a baby, and trying to deal with the stress of being pregnant again and a husband who would not work and wanted to stay out all night long doing god knows what! I couldn’t take it and I packed up and me and the baby moved out of state to a friends house. My husband got in his car and drove 8 hours to beg me to come home. I forgave him and came home. He was good to me for a few more months and then when I was about 5 months pregnant with our 2nd child he moved out and was seeing another woman. After about 2 weeks he was sorry again and he came back. Lasted a few weeks until he was gone again. I cut off all contact with him and did not hear from him again until the night I went into labor. He came to the hospital and he kissed me while I was in labor. He stayed the night with me and then when it was time to take the baby home he came home as well. He stayed with me 4 months this time. Then I awoke one night to an empty house. He was gone and so was our car. My mother in law had the children for the night. I called his cell phone and checked his messages when he would not answer. There was a message from his ex girlfriends mom saying that he has better hurry up or her daughter was just going to bed. I found him at 6 in the morning and confronted him.. he swears he never went and saw her but that yes, they had been talking again b/c they ran into eachother and she only called to let him know she had had her baby. Then he came home for one night and the next thing I knew he was completely moved out and living with this girl. She had a newborn baby and he would rather have lived with her than with his own family. He would constantly come see me, call me, and tell me he didn’t love her and that he loved me…etc,etc. I got sick of being his “secret” and one day when he left he told me he would be back in the morning. So i left and wasn’t there in the morning. He got so mad that he destroyed all my lingerie, and stole a package of pictures that I had just gotten done of myself in the lingerie. Then one day he called and told me he was sorry and wanted to see me an that he had left her for good. I went to see him and we got back together. The girl kept trying to contact him, but he genuinely would not speak to her and did not seem to care for her. That was a little over a year ago and we have been great, until 6 days ago. He was staying home every night, working again, buying me presents, telling me sweet things, etc and now this. He just thinks we have grown apart and he “loves me, but isn’t in love with me” and I think its a croc. How can anyone rip somebody’s heart right out of their chest like that? He is still at the house as well.. even trying to sleep in the same bed. I doubt an affiar because he is at work and then he is at home with us. 2 days after telling me he didn’t love me anymore he told me that he did still love me and that the only reason he told me he didn’t is because he was upset with me because I haven’t been spending time with him or paying any attention to him. So i tried to spend time with him but he wasn’t allowing it. So I gave up. I sat him down last night and we talked and he told me again that no, he is not in love with me. & on top of that, when I questioned him about another woman he denied it.. but he had been out til 3 a.m. one night and when I brought it up he said “you really wanna know what I was doing? I was out doing dope with my cousin” Nice, right? So he is on drugs on top or everything else. I have gotten to the point where I have little or no respect for him. Anyone that has hurt me that many times is not worthy of my love. The one good thing is that I realized I no longer love him either, I still care about him, and I am sad that our marriage is ending. & yes, I feel like a failure. If I can’t even keep a man happy what am I good for? I feel depressed, but also strangely refreshed. This is a chance to make over my life and to be with someone who will actually love me and treat me right! I don’t look at this as a death sentence I look at it as a chance at a fresh start. I care for him and always will.. and I am still hurting but I believe that everything happens for a reason. If we are meant to be together, we will be. It’s going to be hard, but I am strong enough to make it through! & I hope that all of you find the strength to endure and to make the best out of your situation. good luck to all of you.

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Missy
May 31, 2008 at 4:07 pm

My husband of 12 years told me the other day he doesn’t think he wants to be married anymore. We have 4 kids together (between 12 yrs and 8 months). He says he still loves me, but I feel like a failure – I don’t know what I did to make him think he may not want to be with me anymore. He doesn’t know if he should leave, even for a while. So, he’s still sleeping in our bed and still wants to act the married part – in all aspects. He stopped saying “I love you,” which he would always do at the end of a phone call, or when we’re leaving for work.
I can’t saying anything because he’ll feel like I’m pressuring him. I don’t know what to do. He was my rock, my person to lean on. I don’t have anyone to lean on during this. Worst of all, I feel like I’m being strung along – that one day, I’m going to wake up alone, not knowing what just happened to my life. I kind of feel like that already.

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Tammy
June 5, 2008 at 11:57 am

Man, I am reading everyone stories and I just started crying, because I can relate….I have been married to my husband for 13 years, we have 2 wonderful kids…We have been through more in 13 years then most people go through in their entire life. Memorial Day weekend…he ask me when I was planning on pay his truck payment…I told him this week and all of a sudden he bit my head off. He got up off the couch and was on our room for a little while, then came out with a bag…He said he was leaving…Where did this come from? With everything else we have dealt with…I calmly said if you walk out your not coming back…He replied that is fine and he left. About 20 minutes later he calls me and says he doesn’t know what is going on with him, but he doesn’t love me anymore, nor is he in love with me, and that he needs to be by himself for awhile but in the same conversation tells me he loves me with all his heart and I am all he thinks about. What do you believe? I love this man more than life it self, but I felt like I needed to be the one to be stable for our kids….I told him I understood, but I really didn’t. I just didn’t want to fight about it. We have had conversations about our relationship previously through the years…Nothing ever getting to this point…Usually we would end up yelling and screaming at each other and saying more things that neither of us really meant. He told me that it had nothing to do with me…it was all him…I am wondering is it really? At the end of the conversation he ask if he could come home. I told him that he could, but I slept on the couch. The next morning I was moving forward. I went and look at some apartments…filled out the application and was moving the weekend of June 1. I told him that I was done dealing with my emotional side of what he told me. I ask him for a divorce. We set down and dicussed our belongs…who was getting what and so on. He said he would pay for the divorce as long as I didn’t contest it…so, I was moving forward…The next morning he calls me on my way to work and said he had been doing some thinking and that I am what he wants and he does love me and is madly in love with me….he cried and I cried and I decided to stay, but everytime we talk it is empty unless we are in person. I feel that I may have made the biggest mistake by staying. I ask him daily if WE are OK…he says yes, but this knot in my stomach says were not…Did he retract what he said because I was ok with moving forward? I do truly love him with all my heart and damn I have never been in love with anyone the way I am with him. He is my everything…but how do I get past this and work it out?

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Sly
June 7, 2008 at 5:07 pm

NEVER, never trust a man.

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Dihi
June 11, 2008 at 11:17 pm

Is it me or is there an inordinate amount of military men who decide that they don’t want to be married anymore around the 25 year mark? Somehow it often coincides with retirement and the start of a new career. My husband retired in 2003 and we have been married 28 years. I went back to my hometown in October to help my father with my mother who is failing with vascular dementia and do some needed work on a rental property we owned there. When I got back the loving, supportive, best friend I had left behind had been replaced by a vacant eyed alien who wouldn’t let me sleep in my own bed. He didn’t welcome me home with open arms but the ” I love you but I am not in love with you” speech.

We limped along till March. He wouldn’t let our son come home for Christmas and he canceled a trip we had planned to attend his father’s 80th birthday because he had too much work to do. We attended some “mediation” sessions he set up because he didn’t like any of the counselors I had found in the past. It didn’t take me long to figure out she was a transition counselor there to help him exit the home.

He set me up masterfully. Making me think he was working on the relationship while seeing lawyers. Asking me on dates while arranging with his “friend” to move in with her when he made his escape. Telling me he would always take care of me when he could care less about my health.

Do they have some secret web site where they can go and get these lines to tell us? They all say exactly the same things. Maybe the military provides classes.

Like many of you I gave up my career to follow him around the world. We had 15 moves in 25 years. My son attended 8 different schools. We lived in 3 different countries and I had uncountable jobs and volunteers thousands of hours. I am used up and broken. I have a broken back, 2 bad knees, diabeties, and had to have a hysterectomy to repair a total prolapse from lifting heavy objects because of course he was never around when it was time to move. I gained a pound for every year we were married and never lost all my baby fat. I’m 55, too old to sing and dance any more and NOW he throws me away? When he pursued me unrelentingly and even demanded that I give up a baby to keep our family together when our son was small to facilitate his study during graduate school?

He’s a big shot pundit on TV now but he is just like every other unimaginative man when it comes to dumping his wife…”I love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore.”

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Tiffany
June 13, 2008 at 9:17 pm

My husband and i have been married for eight years. We have five beautiful daughters, and i love him with my whole heart. the past year has been terrible-just an emotional roller coaster for both of us. This week he said he feels nothing for me. He doesn’t care if i cry, an happy or sad. And he wants ME TO LEAVE MY KIDS!!!! He says I am crazy and if I really loved my girls I would know the best thing to do is leave them with him. I am not crazy-a little high strung, but not high maintainence, not demanding…just regular crap that comes along with five kids. He is a good Dad, but he says being with me makes him a worse person. He has said this before, and then we give it another go, but he says this time he means it. I just wanted to post a little something-becasue reading all of this made me feel so much better.

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Kirsty
June 16, 2008 at 6:22 pm

i have been married for 8 months, together 10 years. i’m english and moved to germany 6 years ago to be with him. he has always been reliable and i thought he was my soulmate. we got married in september 2007 and then 8 months down the line he said he doesn’t know what he feels for me…i was calm and tried to talk through it and eventually suggested a trial separation, he sort of agreed….more mis-communication (on his side) and 2 disappearences and a few weeks later on he has moved out and wants a divorce. he wanted to finish it but doesn’t want to hurt me. i found all this out from other people!! the only communication i have had from him is sms and email, he says there is no-one else but what can i believe? i don’t understand why he married me?? he knew who i was after 10 years. also i’m alone here and everything i gave up was for him. this isn’t just a break up for me but a whole life change – i don’t feel i can stay here without him. so do i wait to see if this is just a crisis or do i get the hell out of this country? i sometimes think what do i need to hear to tell me it’s over but usually couples have the possibility of a second chance if they realise they made a mistake, whereas i have to decide whether to just leave and that will be it. any advice?

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Sandy
June 16, 2008 at 9:39 pm

In April of 2005 I married the man I believed to be the “love of my life”, We first became involved in 1983 and had an amazing connection – even through other relationships – for two decades. We reunited and were engaged in 2002. We have a son together, 2 years old. He told me four days ago that he has fallen out of love with me…a repeat of somehting I suggested to him several nights prior because of our lack of a sex life. (We have always had a very strong physical relationship.) In this case, our problem is something far more cunning and destructive than another woman… He is an addict and I didn’t discover it until after we were married. My husband first admitted it to me last year in March. He spent a month in rehab and we were separated for 8 months, although staying in communication and having him stay at home on weekends or for other extended stays to give ourselves a chance to reconnect. (By the way, military wives….addiction and PTSD is a HUGE problem for your guys. Rehab was FULL of them!) After about 6 months of a refreshing re-establishment of home and family, I saw things begin to unravel again. Sure enough, fear and anxiety in my spirit signalled a return to my husband’s old ways – secrets, lies, missing money, pawned equipment and lots of denial of any wrongdoing. I’ve been through absolute hell for and with this man. Last year I felt totally committed to doing whatever it took to get us “back to normal”. This week I understand that “normal” with an addict is a nightmare for the rest of us. I believe I too was an addict before – addicted to something he gave me or to the fact that he needed me. Today, although I’ve shed massive tears again in this episode, I can finally take the steps necessary to end what has been a disrespectful, distrustful relationship that will only destroy me if I choose to remain. I feel guilty about divorce – don’t believe in it and don’t want it for my family. When I asked my husband for a drug test to settle this once and for all, his reply was that he would submit to testing for something he cared about – like a job or a court order to see his son – but he simply doesn’t care enough about me to submit to any testing for me. That was enough for me to wake up and say “You know what, Sandy?!? Love yourself and your baby enough to let this joker go!” God can and will deal with him much more effectively than I can! (I’ve tried – I know I have done everything I could possibly do for him.) Bottom line for me is recognizing the “thing” in me that has attracted me to men with addictions and to NEVER repeat this mistake again! I.E. I cannot change another person. I can only submit myself to God to change me and then pray for another.

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Becky
June 20, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Dihi…

I am going thru this right now… my husband of 21 years retired July 2007 after 23 years…

He has broken my heart… “I’ll always care about you and will always take care of you… I just don’t love you anymore.”

He also says he has to concentrate on his new career and doesn’t have time for this…

I am in the gloom and doom stage… I switch from being very sad to very angry.

This hurts pretty bad and I don’t know if he can “decide” if he wants to be with me.

Uhhhhggggggg… I just keep on crying because he broke my heart.

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leya
June 24, 2008 at 12:01 am

my husband of 4 years basically said he should not have married me. Everything that I thought was true, I guess wasn’t. After 7 of being together he tells me that I have never known the true him. That he kept it a secret in hopes that I would change. Mind you this change was not something that would make a better person or a better mother, it would just make me stupid. He wants a wife that drinks and hang out all night with his friends Instead of me a person who wants the best for her family, who wants a stable environment for her family a mother who wants the best for her kids and herself. He’d rather go out with his so called friends and hang out and drink than be with me loving me and me loving him. We have a 4 year old and an 8 month old and I thank God for them. He actually said if it wasn’t for the kids he would want me out his life. That’s what he said. I haven’t done anything to him but love no matter what. But he actually made that statement.

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MJ
June 24, 2008 at 1:01 am

Wow, Didi I feel so much for you. I heard about how som spouses set this type of trap up and when they feel like it is time for them…they just up and leave. That is a lot of times to bemoving moving around within 25 yrs. Mlitary wives gve up so much..even themselves to be with their husband. I am not a military wife, more of a “brat” so I canfeel what you are saying. I’ve witnessed my mom going through somethng similar. Although my dad is retired, they are still together. I hope that regardless of what happens that you will press closer to God and pray for your husband. I am so tired of these spouses thinking they can use someone then throw them away when they want. But you better believe, you reap what you sow and karma will bite them in the butt. Whatever you do, YOU mke sure to do the right thing.

God Bless

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Tammy
June 27, 2008 at 10:33 am

ok..We are all on here writing about our situations, but no one is giving anyone any advise! Let’s help each other, by giving some advise…Let’s not cry over these men any longer! Us crying is exactly what they are wanting…Let’s hold our chins up and move forward! We are women and mothers…Let’s do what we know needs to be done!

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Nicole
June 27, 2008 at 4:39 pm

My husband about 1 year ago told me that he didn’t love me anymore. Since then, he has been very somber. He doesn’t really talk to me. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no. I feel like he may be waiting for me to make the first move, but why should I? What should I do? We have a 2 year old and I love her very much…his slackness with her is very upsetting as well.

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MJ
June 27, 2008 at 11:41 pm

Someone posted here about something that works…actually several people have. Basically, don’t plead, beg, cry. Start working on yourself and improving yourself….find a hobby, go back to school, volunteer, work out, always look your best and even if you want to cry and die inside, do it when he is not around. Whenever you see him or talk to him, act happy.

Don’t talk to him about the marriage unless he brings it up.

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Kara
July 3, 2008 at 12:43 pm

It has been a year since my mother told me that my father said he didn’t love her any loger. And i am still bitter. I am bitter at the fact that my own mom told this information to me. She doesn’t know how badly that hurt me. And how angry it made me. There are periods where i seem to put everything in the back of my mind. But after a while the harsh memories of anger and sadness reappear. They are still together. They apparently were able to work things out. I feel that it is just so completely fake though. My mother has really become someone completely different. Putting my father before her and her children. I love my parents but i have so much pent up anger and hostility that i just don’t know what to do. My mom has no job (except some days she helps my dad at his work) and a lot of the day she sleeps and does nothing. My dad works and is a nice man but is so unreliable and does things on his own accord. I know that these issues are theirs but it drives me crazy.

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willie
July 15, 2008 at 10:16 am

MJ, your story sounds a little familiar to mine, but not completely. I was married to a man that was soon to be a preacher – we had dated for 3 years before i got pregnant and then married, we were together for 12 years before i suspected him having an affair. He wanted out of the marriage, i gave it to him- right when i was about to move out he changed his mind. so we tried a little longer, then he wanted out again – this time i moved out ~ 3 months later he wanted to get back together, so me and my two children (now we had two) moved back with him. 4 months later he accused me of having an affair with 5 seperate men. (he was trying to make me look bad to take away from what he was doing ` mistake, because anyone that knew me, knew i was a great mother and wife and gave everything i had to that.) He told his family all of this and because they knew me they never believed him. i moved out and finally moved on with my life – my life has been wonderful ~ i now have 2 teenagers. he was not a part of their growing up much emotionally or financially. i have done it on my own. God has continued to bless us. His relationship with this women lasted almost 12 years oh did i mentions she was from the church we went to together as a family….lol, they ended up with a daughter. I never bad talked him i just moved on and it felt good, because he screwed himself. their relationship ended – he ended up having an affair on her – do you know she had enough nerve to call the lady a home recker…that cracks me up. anyway he has came around now and is finally having a good humble relationship with the kids. they know everything that had happened, they figured it out, without me having to talk bad about him. anyway life is good – all i can say is the lady did me the biggest favor ever, because as devistated as i was he was so wrong for me – i am such a better person with out him. i have had some boyfriends and have enjoyed myself…so MJ you keep your head up and know it gets better.

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willie
July 15, 2008 at 1:38 pm

my experience with my husband wanting a divorce was so very long ago, i am so past that. But i have had some bad relationships and i hurt over one right now, even though we are not married. i have found that reading all of your stories have given me some strength. don’t get me wrong a long time ago my divorce absolutely killed me but i refuse to allow anyone to take my joy or happiness again including this relationship i am in right now……i will never give any man all of me – i am 44 years old and no one deserves the wonderful women that i am. so all of you wonderful mothers and wifes out there……you are amazing and don’t let anyone tell you different. you surround yourself with people that make you feel good. it is a process getting over someone and it takes a long time before you realize that maybe it all worked out in your favor and when the clouds clear this man may not have been all that great! so thank you to all of you for sharing your stories no matter how painful they have blessed me……..may God bless you all (and he will) just be patient..

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MJ
July 16, 2008 at 6:17 pm

Willie,

thanks for reading my story. Yeah, I know this will all work out for the good…I found out that he and the OW broke up…most likely has another OW. Still hasn’t refiled for a divorce and so far knows child support papers will be served to him soon. I have his new #, I don’t know if he remembers mine….well, he doesn’t seem to want to try and find us.

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leya
July 18, 2008 at 10:06 am

MJ,

I understand what you said about don’t talk about the marriage unless he brings it up. But it is so hard and try to do that. I’m just going through so many emotions right now. I go from Calm and accepting, to sad, to angry. I just want answers. I don’t understand how we got here and why I am going through this. I loved him so much and never would have hurt him like this. But I am trying to do those things you stated in your post about not crying and not mentioning the marriage. I failing quite miserably though.

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MJ
July 20, 2008 at 6:09 pm

Leya,

yes it’s hard…but that’s the best thing to do right now. The only person and emotions you have in control of is yourself. You can’t change him unless you change how you react. Change begins with yourself. Work to improve yourself..for you not him…so either way you will be ok. Don’t be so clingy, emotional and available all the time. Let him miss you. I wish you and everyone the best.

I sure wish one of the old posters, Bobbie, would post and give us an update!

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Kim
July 22, 2008 at 3:38 pm

I have thoroughly gotten lots of insight from reading your stories. Unlike many of you who are in marriages with these men, my circumstance is a bit different, with the same outcome no doubt. I have been friends with a man for 20 yrs. He is one of my best friends. We have been through so many things together as friends. In the 20 yrs that we have been friends he has wanted us to be more than friends but the timing was never right. Either he was in a relationship or I was. Finally a yr ago I told him I would give him a chance. ( I mean why not? Who begs for 20 yr unless they are serious) We have been dating since that time with a few bumps along the way but took our friendship to another level. I felt so good being in a relationship with someone I knew so well. He told me that the last time he felt this way about someone, he married them but everything changed once he got married. (he has been divorced about 6 yrs) Anyway, lately I have noticed him begin to withdraw. I kept asking him what was wrong and after much prodding he said sometimes he just is not sure he wants to be “tied down.” So after giving him space and sitting back and waiting for him to decide what he was going to do, I took control of things. I took him all of his things and told him not to contact me. For the most part I ignore his calls, text messages etc. I went back a few times to communicating with him and trying the nice woman thing. However, I found that only kept me hoping he had a change of heart and kept me from moving on. Last week I told him to stop sending me text message about I Love You. I said, I get it you love me but it is of no consequence. Ladies, we must stop sitting back allowing these men to dictate the course of our lives. I have 41, college educated, never married with no children. Yeah, I wish I were married with children but those are not the cards I have been dealt. I am lonely right now and sometimes panic at the thought that no only have I lost a relationship but a best friend. At least I took the chance. It just did not work. I am not saying I do not love him. What I am saying is that I love me more. I read the books: He’s Just Not That Into You and Why Men Date B _ _ _ __ _ _ and realized you do not have to be in a mans presence or calling him to remind him that you are a wonderful woman. He will figure that out when he has time to think about it. When man decides he wants to leave then come back then leave he is really just playing with your emotions. Whether he says it or not, at a certain point we have to look and what they are doing as opposed to what they are saying. Yeah, my guy said to me: I am not saying I do not want this relationship. However, he was not fighting to keep it either. Don’t get me wrong I am not strong about this most days and have to fight everyday not to call him but rest assure, each day gets easier and easier. I also read where men busy themselves after breakups so they do not have to deal with it. Women get busy talking things out with family and friends and getting it out. By the time the dust settles and we are coping that is when their little light comes on and they return only to disrupt your healing process. We must continue to not let them dictate to us the course our lives will take. We are better than that. We are awesome, loving, nurtures and deserve only the best life has to offer. If he wants to leave, let him. Bottom line is you cannot keep no man who doesn’t want to be kept. Look in the mirror everyday and encourage yourself, one day at a time. I am praying for each and everyone of you in your different situations and hope that you can gain some strength through reading the material contained on this site. Take care and be blessed!

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Kim
July 22, 2008 at 3:46 pm

Oh I forgot to add, he is continuing to contact me but I only want him around if he wants to be here full time. I am continuing to be my most loyal advocate. I left alot out about how he kept going back and forth with the conversations about I love her and want to be with her, I love her and don’t. He said the classic, I just want you to be happy. I told him a yr ago, you know what I have been through so do not even come my way if you are not serious. He was like, I have loved you for ever. Yeah right! Everyone says he is just scared but I cannot make excuses for him. His biggest fear should be losing me. I do not need a part time boyfriend. Either you realize I am great to have in your life or you don’t. I cannot talk anyone into loving me. Neither can you! Love ya!

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Meg
July 22, 2008 at 9:04 pm

First of all, I am glad to see that I am not alone in this. Although sad, its nice to know that there is a place for all of us to connect with our different experiences. I have been married to my husband for 5 years (with him for 8.5 years) and we have a beautiful 4 year old son. I have always felt that I married my soul mate. He over the years has become so much more to me and is who I feel to be the best friend I have ever had in my life. I thought we had a great life together until he left me in December for a woman he met at a bar. He slept with her one time and continued to talk to her until mid January. After a month of crying over him, I finally had gotten a back bone of my own and told him that if she is who he wanted, that I deserved better and was moving on. And dont you know, as soon as I did that..he came crying back pleading for me take him back. And so I did. We tried counseling (which he feels to be total nonsense) and really tried working on things. I, being a self admitted nagger of sorts) nagged him about this other woman (who I now realized I gave much more credit than what she actually deserved). So after a few months of him convincing me that everything he did was a mistake and that he loved me, he told me that he wanted to have another baby with me…that I was the person he wanted to grow a family with. So in May I decided that we had made a lot of progress and that we could try to get pregnant. Well, it happened the first week we tried. So here I am, pregnant, and he has now decided that he LOVES me but doesnt feel IT for me anymore, that there is something missing. What am I supposed to do now – I am now pregnant with a child I wanted…with a man who says he loves me but isnt in love with me. He doesnt want to move out of the house and says that he will just live out his life as a content person – but thats all he feels. At this point, I know that I have given 150% into this relationship for 8 years and just dont know if I can continue to give it my all for someone who isnt in love with me anymore. I want to be with him, but I dont want to compromise EVERYTHING I want in a relationship for someone who is just CONTENT with me…not happy, just content. I feel like we had gotten through the hardest thing a relationship can go thru…but now he doesnt know how he feels again. But he doesnt want to leave because he feels that he is obligated to help me through this pregnancy and would miss his son too much. I dont know if I can go through this by myself, but I am not a charity case…and I dont want to feel like someone’s obligation…I want to feel that I am LOVED the same way I LOVE…What am I supposed to do? I dont know if I should keep this baby and bring it into a relationship which is already broken and a situation which is less than ideal for a baby. I just dont know what to do. I love him, I want to be with him, but I just dont know what to do.

I know, we should be strong women, strong mothers…but at times like this (especially when my hormones are totally whacked out from being pregnant), I just dont know what to do. Someone please offer some advice!!!

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Unimpressed.... (name edited by Rod)
August 26, 2008 at 1:28 pm

My husband told me about 2 months ago that he was not in love with me anymore, i was shocked and didn’t see this coming at all. Well right now we’ve separated he is wiht his sister and so am I, we’ve never talked about divorce at all but he said we are done, he thinks the love for me will come back but probably in time, so now i don’t know what to do. We have a 3 year old and i can see she knows something is wrong cause we are not living together, i am so sad for my daughter that she has to go thru this. I love my husband and he says he still loves me tp……….will the separation bring us back together?

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Nicky
August 29, 2008 at 7:19 am

Hi everyone, I know it sounds strange but reading some comments on here as given me some hope in a strange way. About 2 months ago my husband started acting very strange distant with me and would`nt say why, even on my son`s 14 birthday he was acting weird towards me and my son, but always nice and calm towards my daughter whom is 10, so i started asking him what was going on, eventually he said that he dosn`t love me anymore which tore me apart he just kept saying accept it it`s over etc etc, I couldn`t understand what i had done so wrong, I had always tried to do everything to make him happy,even put my career on hold until my daughter went to high school but allowed him to carry on with his, But the big problem is he is still here, So at the moment he`s living in the marital home, its been 8 weeks now and hes still here, my daughter is sleeping in my room and hes in my daughters room, he says he will go when my benefits are sorted but i get the feeling he still wants to stay here but not have a marital life. I tell him every few weeks has he got his house yet when are you going, maybe thats cruel but i cant start the healing process until he goes. I really dont know what to do. Do you think he still loves me? Do i decide to cut and run??? my head is knackered I want to know all the answers to my questions lol nowt much, he has got an habit of doing this kind of stuff mind games etc every 2-3 years, but all i want out of my life is to be content. PLEASE HELP BEFORE MY HEAD EXPLODES

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Expecting Twins
September 3, 2008 at 8:00 pm

Ive been with my fiance for just a little over 2 years. We have always had a pretty rocky relationship but after our first huge fight at one year everything has gotten better, he proposed and we moved in together. We have been living together for about a year now. 6 months ago we found out we were expecting twin boys. Its very hard excepting and preparing for twins and started to strain our relationship. I was being accused of getting pregnant on purpose. Now 6 months pregnant, I have been on permanent bed rest for one month with a softened cervix and unable to have sex. He has threaten to cheat on me and or leave me if I don’t do anything to help him out sexually. Since Ive been put on bed rest the only time he talks to me is when he wants something. No more I love you’s and hes been missing out on Doctors appts. Im scared hes going to leave me and that he doesnt love me anymore. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I know what it is like having two homes and two sets of parents and I dont want that for my children. I want to have a family and be with the man that I love & that returns it. Any Suggestions before its too late????

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Di
September 3, 2008 at 9:40 pm

I posted my own story here several months ago and wanted to check back to see if people were still posting. Sadly there are still so many stories. I just wanted to tell all of the women who are going through difficult situations with their husbands – You will feel like your life is crashing down around you. You will feel helpless and completely out of control. But, you will be okay. It will be so hard at first and you will wonder if the pain will ever go away. I don’t know if it ever will, but it will get better. There will be less and less pain every day. I had hoped that my husband would come back to me if he saw that I was going on with my life, but he is not coming back. And now, I don’t really want him. If he cheated once, how do i know he wouldn’t do it again? I thought I would never get over what happened, but I am. I am moving on and I feel like there are so many possibilities for my baby and I. I look forward now instead of looking backwards into the past. You aren’t alone. So many of us (just read all of the posts above!) have gone through this and have made it through. Use whatever is happening to make you stronger as a person. Learn from it and move on. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you who are hurting now. God Bless.

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Katie
September 4, 2008 at 6:58 pm

I have been married for 3 years and with my husband for a total of 12. He comes from a divorced family where his father abandoned his mom, himself and his brother. He has NEVER dealt with it and I knew he would at some point in our marriage but not like this. About 3 weeks ago he told me that he loves me but is not in love with me which I have been in complete denial. It all started in June when he had a panic attack at work and started seeing a counselor. He is saying that he has come to the conclusion that he has always tried to be the “good son” and that he doesn’t trust any decisions that he made since he was 12 years old. We started dating when he was 17 and now he is 29. Basically that he was acting but didn’t know he was acting b/c I was the popular, attractive girl that everyone likes. How is this possible? I feel like I don’t even know him and he has been a complete liar and cheater. We went to marriage counseling last week for the first time and his opening statement was that he doesn’t love me anymore and he is not hopeful that it will get better. We are going again tomorrow but last night he screamed at me that it is over. I am so distraught and completely caught by suprise. I knew he had not been happy for a while but this? I feel that he is trying to recreate the situation that he grew up with. I am trying to be strong but I don’t even know how to act at home. I am in complete shock. How can the man you love and thought loved you most in the world do this and be so flippant and cold about it?

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MJ
September 8, 2008 at 1:48 am

hey Katie,

don’t listen to what he says all the time, watch what he does. He’s acting cold b/c he’s selfish and he knows he’s not treating you right. Is he seeing someone?

Try not to worry too much about him. Work on yourself and do positive things that make you smile.

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Sue
September 8, 2008 at 1:33 pm

I am brought to tears after reading most of the comments on here. I am not married but In a marraige like situation with my boyfriend. Who is the world to me. He basically flip flops his emotions for me. He is not unfaithful. He gets angry and my emtional self. He says that I am not in his plans. That he loves me but that I am not in his plans. I don’t understand it. He takes care of me, is sweet and loving. I love him so much and I don’t know what to do … I know he is the one. I don’t know what to do.

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Katie
September 8, 2008 at 3:59 pm

Thanks for your kind words MJ. He is not seeing someone physically, but I do think that he possibly has an online porn addiction as I have caught him several times in the past. He basically is saying that he has had an epiphany after 12 years of being together. How does someone wake up one day and say these things to the one person they are supposed to love, honor and cherish? And when he snaps out of it , I am going to remember every word and then where do we stand?

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Sparky
September 10, 2008 at 6:31 pm

I have sat for hours reading this. It is crazy how so many women (including myself) have had this happen to us. I am still with the hubby (12 years together + 3 kids) after he stated he didn’t love me a couple months ago now. How could this be when I have been the one to do so much over the years. I have loved him with all my heart and soul. I know I am doing things incorrectly – nagging – talking over and over again – hoping – when I should be working on myself. I have a great job and it is going horribly as I am spending hours a day thinking about our marriage. I have tried to be everything to him and really- I need to just stop. I need to heal myself and move on. He has. While divorce papers are not in the works (even though I have spoke with a lawyer), I don’t rule it out. I cry and get angry, but honestly, everday, I get better. I get stronger. I found this quote quite by chance today:
‘How empty of me to be so full of you” –Anonymous
How perfect is that. It is time to be full of me for a change. And while it hurts I am a good person and I deserve someone who loves me back.

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Juanita
September 14, 2008 at 7:08 pm

My Husband got back from Iraqon his 4th deployment 2nd to Iraq. This time he says he wants a divorce We have been together for 11 years… We haven’t cheated on each other ( That I know of he hasn’t but who knows when there deployed for 15-18 months at a time) He is already sloted to go to Afaganastine for another year In a year. But right now I am worried on Looseing My mariage. We have 2 kids and I have been an ” at home mom” for this whole time. I Never had a job. My kids are diabetic and ADHD and both are asthmatic.. I have Eplisy, migrains, acid reflux desies,depression,kidney stones,anamic,and now I am having anxety attacks. I know I need to go a head and leave him because he isn’t even staying home anymore with us. Yet I am holding out for him to get help with his PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Dissorder) he got from being deployed so many times. I know this is why and yet he dosn’t want to hear it. We have had marriage counceling and yet the councler sees what I see and he wont listen to him or take time to get better. He walked out of his apt for his PTSD evaluation because he refused to listen to the guy argeeing that he has issues. I want my Husband fixed before it is to late for us. I guess what I am asking for is Prayers… Please I truely belive if enough people pray It will help him.. Pray that He Opens his Heart and Mind up to Me and Dosen’t Leave or Divorce Me. Please can All who read this Pary For me / My family.

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I need advice
September 22, 2008 at 1:28 pm

we have been married for 20 years . I have been faithful wife, but he has not he try to go on net to seek a fling but came of it, then , he had emotion affair with some close to me, But had forgive him those things, He has threat to leave me several times , he said he want a divorce.but came of it , he say now he want our married to work , but has another problem he been drinking everyday for about month now, he says he going but he doesn’t. I am need some advice .
I don’t how much more I can take. and children also. one has left already . another is consider leaving because of this. I am trying to be good wife doing all the he ask but I feel not good enough. Now he says
he love me but not as much as used to , he love himself more than me. he also he can not forget the past. he says i am being good wife a man could ask for .

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Dezmar Tyson
October 10, 2008 at 9:34 am

ALL YOU WOMEN MUST BE CRAZY!! i am going thru ruff times with my husband but before i let him destroy my self esteem or my love for myself, i will leave him. before him there were other men after him there will be more, maybe your husbands arent the right ones for you. im pregnant, i keep telling myself for our son i should try to work it out, i do but if my husband doesnt want to be with me its crazy to try to keep him around!!! i would be just making myself miserable. for all you women who are already sepereted, start DATING!!! get back out there and love life again!!! dont call him, HE SUCKS!!! we need to value ourselves more ladies. we dont NEED men, they NEED US!!!!.

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jamels
October 28, 2008 at 7:07 pm

I am in the same situation right now. I am reading theses stories and realizing that I am not the only one out there. What bothers me i guess is I read some of them and say to myself “Oh my gosh why would you put yourself through all of that”, when in all actuality I am doing it to myself also. Here is my story. I met my husband when I had just turned 18 and still in high school. He is a year older than I am. We have been together for 11 years and just barely married for under a year now. My husband has been unfaithful to me 3 times as i know of cause that’s what he has confessed. One time I actually came home to a car in my driveway and tried to open the front door but it was locked. I peered through the door windows just to see him come out of OUR bedroom zipping up his pants and his face pure white. He unlocked the door and I rushed into our room only to find the girl pulling her pants up. Needless to say we were back together in 3 days. It seems like he has had an affair every 3 years or so since we have been together. And once again I just keep saying “Oh I love you and I don’t want to live without you”. Why? Can anyone answer me why I do this to myself. So the affairs have left no trust in the relationship. None! Not even a little. He did not understand this. We were married in Nov. of 07 and it was a courthouse wedding. Not the wedding I wanted but we agreed to just get married right now for insurance purposes and we would have the ceremony later. Well I planned my butt off for this ceremony. Sending invatations, buying all knick knacks,cake topper, wine glasses, everything you could think of. Guests had already started calling and making reservations to the hotel. And a week in a half before the wedding he comes home and says. I want a divorce. I don’t want to go through with the wedding all I would be doing is putting on a front that I love you in front of all your family and friends. And then he grabbed his clothes and left. I was absolutely devastated. Heart broken, lost, every emotion possible. I had left to go be with my family for a couple of days in my hometown and upon return he was home again. What did I do this time. “Oh honey I am so glad you are back I love you so much”. He said that I would have to do some changing or he would be gone again. He didn’t want me to be so controlling and he wanted to have some freedom back. Well guess what when you have already been unfaithful 3 or more times (for what I know) it is hard to not be controlling and wonder where he is or what he is doing at every little moment. So what did I do. I went to counseling to try to get over my controlling personality with him. I asked him to join me and he would say no. Yes I feel like I loosened up the reigns a little. Tried to let him make his own decisions. I am not his mother, I am his wife. This was three months ago when he left and then decided to come back and try again as long as I change. For the last month he has been so standoffish with me. We had only been intimate once in the last two months. He would come home for the last two weeks and try to be rude to me and ignore me. I had found a girls cell phone number in his phone listed under a guys name on Sunday and reading the text message that she had sent him at 1am on sun. said “Are you awake still I cannot sleep”. Magically all sent items were deleted. We got up on Sunday and everything seemed to be fine telling me that he loves me and talking about stuff we need to get done in the future. The very next day Monday he comes home stands in the kitchen and eats his dinner, goes into the bathroom , comes out and says we need to talk. He proceeds to tell me that He loves me but is not in love with me anymore. That he does not want to be with me, he is not physically attracted to me anymore. Also that he wants kids some day just not with me, “I do not see you being my childrens mother”. He also had mentioned that he does’nt know if he can be faithful to me. Then I had asked him about the girls phone number in his phone and he said “She is just a friend and that is all you need to know”. I am totally crushed right now. I am scared and feel lost without him in my life. Now does that sound crazy or what. Why would I put myself through this when I know how bad it is to be treated like that. Why because I love him. Or am I just to scared to get out there and do this on my own. I have a feeling that he left because of this other girl and wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side. Not because he doesn’t love me anymore. Am I in denial? I feel like I am going crazy! All I do is go to work and come home and obsess about him. And most the time I cry and say to myself “Please Come Back”. God please just let him come back. Why? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Some one please give me an answer? And if he does come back is it honestly ever going to change? What if he needs the counseling not me? I keep thinking that what if ends up with this other girl and treats her like a queen. Why would i have been the one he treated like crap. What is so wrong with me. I gave that man my life and always put me on the back burner. Why did he think things were so bad that he had to leave?

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
October 28, 2008 at 7:54 pm

I have read every word of your letter. If you’d like to talk, please email me privately and I will make time to talk with you.

Rod@DifficultRelationships.com

I hope I hear from you.

Rod

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CC
October 30, 2008 at 6:29 pm

I come on this site so often to read these stories over and over again….I just need to remind myself that there are so many other women that are going through the same thing, and that I am not alone. I am going through the same thing, where my husband of five years(Been together for eight) has developed feelings for another women, and has told me that he no longer has LOVING feeling for me anymore. I was severely depressed for the past two years and neglected him and our now four year old son. I look back on our life together and wish ever so often that I could turn back time. Although I understand that his affair happened for a reason, I still can’t help but get angry in the fact that he had found someone else to fill his void while we are still married, that he couldn’t end our marriage before he find someone else, and that he refuse to give up his relationship with the other women. I don’t really know where our marriage is going, like everyone else here, he is just not IN LOVE with me anymore, but I am still in love with him. He has more feeling for the other women than he does for me…. I cry so much and feel so devastated with everything that is happening now. But with all that said, I do have some positive note on what has happened to me….I am so much more closer to my son now compare to the past two years, we are rebuilding our relationship again. And since all of this has happened(almost two month now), I am getting better(very, very slowly), I have not had a panic or anxiety attack for a month, although I still feel the anxiety from time to time, it no longer stays with me all day long and everyday! I do have good moments and good days now, compare to before where ever second of my life was being eaten away by an overwhelming feeling of pain, hurt, disbelief, and anger. With all that said, I am still waiting for my husband to make his decision on what he wants in life, weather he wants to be with me or not…….I don’t know if the anxiety and the panic will come back if he chose to stay separated or divorce me. But I do know one thing, as much as I want the pain and hurt to stop, I am glad in someway that I am feeling the pain and hurt, because I am still alive.

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jamels
October 30, 2008 at 8:49 pm

cc

I am so sorry for your hurt feelings. I know exactly where you are right now. Just read my story and you’ll see. I totally agree with you that he should have just walked out before ending up having an affair. My husband has been gone now for 10 days and my life feels like it’s going on everyeay but with nothing there but tears and fears. I will tell you what though I am getting a little upset with myself for even staying with him after the first affair. Why was there three that i knew about and I am still sitting here in my room wondering Why did he have to leave. What did I do that was so wrong. I can tell you that once they have the affair that this uncontrollable person inside you comes out and you want to control every little move they do. It’s like you are constantly wondering where they are at and who have they been talking to. You want to check their cell phone every time they leave it around and leave the room. Oh how I have been through this so much. You need to ask yourself right now if you could stay with him and just give all trust back to him in a heartbeat because otherwise it will eat you alive. Just like it has me. He’s gone and I still am thinking every minute what he is doing. Please ask yourself. Can you go through that everyday. They will always say that the affair was because of you and what you did but honestly if he really loves you he would have never strayed in the first place. I know that that is hard to hear but it is the truth. I wonder how long my husband has been honestly not in love with me and some days I wonder if he really ever was. I am here for you if you need to talk.

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CC
October 30, 2008 at 9:39 pm

Dear Jamels,

Thanks for your response, I know what you mean by obsessing on what he is doing every second of his life, I am going through that as we speak(I am trying really hard to stop myself, and try to understand that there is nothing that I could do to stop him from going to see her or talk to her) It’s funny you use the term”it will eat you alive” I would have never understood that term if I wasn’t going through this, but there no better word to describe how I feel from time to time than that exact phrase…… I can’t believe you had gone through this three times. Does each time get easier or harder? do you love him less as each time he cheats on you? My husband told me the same thing that he feel so TURNED OFF emotionally when I ask him where he has been(We don’t leave together any more), and that I keep track of our car mileage…… we still share the car from time to time. I don’t know how to get that trust back once you have broken them, everyone always say: Once a cheater, always a cheater! I think I can forgave him for what he did, but I know that I can never forget that he has broken the most sacred trust of a marriage.

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CC
October 30, 2008 at 10:04 pm

Jamels,

When I told my shrink that I was going to do everything I could to “WIN BACK” my husband, she told me that i was in denial, and what ever that is happening to him is not about me, and I know that is really hard to realize because we feel that we have given our husband eight years(me), and eleven years(you)of our life to them, and they just over look that and trash our feelings to the ground. But I do believe that no matter what we do, if the relationship is over, and that they no longer have that loving feelings towards us, then it is over…..there is nothing that we can do to make someone love us….It’s soooo sad but so true, I totally know where you are coming from by just wanting them to come back so badly, I feel that everyday of my life now, oh boy, I don’t know how am I ever going to get over him if and when he tells me that is over.

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jamels
October 31, 2008 at 7:22 pm

CC

So explain to me your story a little bit more. So you two are still married and yet he is still seeing this other woman. If so there is no way I could ever stay with someone while they are refusing to leave the other woman. The thing is is that my husband just had flings as far as i know. (One nighters) you know which does not make them any better than the situation your going through. When are you going to say enough is enough. Have some self respect honey. There is someone out there that is going to treat you like the precious jewel you are and guess what me too. When god closes one door in your life he will always open another or even more if you let it. It is the traveling down the hallway to get to the other door that is so painful. It is tearing you apart right now because you keep letting him drag you along through this horrible ride he wants to take you on. Honey get off and let him enjoy his ride himself. Your right when they say they are not in love anymore and are willing to step out on the relationship then it is time to move on. Please be strong. Right now I am amazed that I am truly saying these things when I feel like I am so weak. Maybe not huh!

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CC
November 1, 2008 at 12:06 am

Jamels,

Thank you for listening….I am truly glad that I found this site, and that someone out there are going through the same thing. My husband is having an emotional affair with an ex-coworker. The tough part is that he is not sure if he could get that loving feeling back for me, and apart from that, he is not sure how he feels about the other women…he thinks she could either be an emotional crutch, an newness of a friend of the opposite sex, or it could be something else(meaning love). I guess he is trying to figure out what exactly he wants and if he can get that loving feeling back towards me. I wish so much that I can just walk away from all of this, that I can stop loving him so I won’t feel so hurt by his actions and his thoughts. So, that’s where I am at, I am waiting for a decision from him, I need to hear from him that our marriage is over and that he will be the one to make that decision, not me. I constantly have remind myself that what ever happens will happen, I have no control over his thoughts and feelings. The tough part is that I can’t stop thinking about them, I think back on all the times that he has seen her, all the time that he was talking to her, and that he always avoided us(me and her) to meet, even when we were at the same place at the same time. I just get so jealous thinking about them together, and that’s what is eating me alive, knowing he is more attracted to her than me, that he thinks she has a very pretty face….. I know all affair are hard to deal with, but I almost wish that he had just slept with someone without such strong emotional connection to her, I heard it is much harder for a man to get over his emotional affair compare to the sexual ones…..don’t know how much truth is behind that. Well, I think that pretty much sums up my story, I am stuck here for a while… How are you doing? You seem to be doing well, I wish I could be stronger. Let me know if you need some one to listen as well, I am here..

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Lisa
November 2, 2008 at 2:56 am

This if for both men and women:

Therapy saved my marriage. We stayed married ….and 31 years later I am still asking myself if I should have gone when I had the chance. I’ll never know.

I say the serenity prayer often: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I chose to stay. That was my choice. He was the one that wanted out. I called his bluff. I said okay….Go then!
But he gave up 90% of his habits to meet my demands to stay. Therapy taught us that He really just wanted the attention.

Women stay because they need the security. Men stay for the same reason. Women leave because they are tired of the mental anguish, mental abuse or neglect. Men leave for the same reason.

There are passages of time that take their toll on men and women. Andropause is very real for men.. So is Menopause. It starts at age 40, give or take, for each.

People change. The effects of the world, births, deaths, , childhood abuse, etc…all this comes back to bite you in the butt later in life.
What triggers it?
Who knows…but once it is triggered, you deal with it or run.
Many men go for the pervebial pack of smokes and never return. They can’t handle the stressors of life and kids and bills and family issues…so they bolt.

If a man says “he doesn’t love you anymore”..then just say..’okay..I’m young enough to find somebody that CAN and WILL love me….lets call it quits’. Call his bluff. He is wanting attention, has gotten it ‘somewhere else’ or is wanting to go looking for it.
Find out.

We can’t change other people, we can only change ourselves. Knowledge is power. It isn’t somebody else’s job to make us happy or not.

If you are not friends, then you are not suitable to stay married. It is called incompatability.

Don’t stay together for the kids and be miserable trying to change each other. That will damage them.
DO stay amicable and move past the hurt ASAP. If you don’t, the kids will see an unhappy parent.

Make a list of expectations of your marriage. If the list can’t be met or isn’t the same as the spouse….then the changes of life and your personalities are just to much and it should be dissolved.

Do you want to be in church 3 times a week, but he wants to be in the casino and drinking? Does that sound like a freindship? Does he play golf all the time and leave you at home with the kids? You HAVE to have a friendship first.

It is OK to ‘fall out of love’ with somebody….just like it is ok to fall ‘in love’ with somebody.

Give yourself a chance to process it, grow from it and learn.

You aren’t a bad person. Neither is the spouse.
What and who you were at 20, 22, or 25,,,..is not who you are at 40.
Kids, illness, aging parents…..it all plays a factor in the stressors of life. Some can handle it…some can’t.

It’s just life. You either grow together, or you grow apart.

If he/she is saying they want out, they probably mean it.
Let them go and re-evaluate from a distance.
It’s not the end of the world…it is a time to learn.

Dance to your drummer and look beside you and see who is dancing with you. If it is not your spouse, then it is okay to let go.

Let go and Let God.

You will be fine. You are stronger than you think and you have friends that will help you thru a rough spot. Find your boot straps and pull them on and find where your happiness is.

There are so many people in the world that would love to have a chance to hold you and love you and help you thru life and enjoy the kids.

Don’t be miserable.
Life is way to short for that feeling.

It will take some time to get over the hurt.
Allow yourself some time to heal from the harsh words.

Good luck and say the Serenity prayer when you feel low.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Marriage is the hardest thing in life to do.
I wish you all the best and good luck.

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linn
November 2, 2008 at 8:56 pm

My husband told me almost 3 months ago by phone that he didn’t love me as he used to. I was in shock but i shouldn’t be he didn’t say it with words but with actions it just took him to sayit for me to see that it was way before then that he was feeling that way, i am soo depressed i feel lost, I feel like it was my fault, that I waste it all my life hoping to make this work, I cry everytime I have a chance, he is in the military and he went away for a course 3 months ago then when he called he would asked what i did during the day in a mean way and then say ohh okay i have to go now this is the hardest moments in my life, i have no education we just bought a house a year ago so leaving financially speaking is not doable right now because all i have is a part time job, i feel i hate him or at least i am extremely furious at him for putting his interest in fromt of our and the kids he is going to make those kids hurt so much i can start seing it now becuase i haven’t answer the phone for days now and my son notice it. Why he didn’t tell me before hey i have a problem, we are apart either we fix it or we stay apart why wait until is too late for him to react and then destroy my heart. I am so angry, I am so destroy and I feel like so alone. I can believe a man would have no heart and think well it has been 15 years of marriage at least all i can do is finish this the right way so we both hurt but with fairness with care giving respect of all those years of my service as a wife as a loving wife, my fidelity towards him and only him, my life as a military man i gave my life moving, waiting, what a coward, what a lier, he gives himself the tittle of a Dog. I just hope he suffer as much as his kids and i are suffering that when he cries at night he be alone just by himself having noone to talk to and say is okay the way he will put his kids on pain. I am thinking on going to a marriage counselor to see how can i treat my anger and my pain and well i can start managing all this to be able to move on. I know that all my prayers will be heard and that hopefully the Lord will give me the peace i am wanting. I love the previous message it was inspiring.

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Ashley
November 4, 2008 at 12:54 am

I have been with my husband for three years now. In the beginning we had a long distance relationship. I am from Chicago, and he is from Dallas. He moved here to Chicago with me, and everything started to change. He all the sudden cared about his appearence so much, and he told me he never loved me a week and a half ago. He would beg me to leave and curse at me to get out, knowing that I have no where else to go. The emotional stress has been making my body sick. IHe went out drinking one night, and that is when I knew I had to get out bc i didnt want to put myself in danger of him abusing me while drunk. I packed up my valuables and stayed in my car fow a week. After which, two days ago, I was able to contact my Dad and stay with him. Since then I have not heard from him, and until reading all these other brave women’s comments, I thought I was totally alone.
I guess my question is, he said he moved up here to be with me and marry me, but is it still possible that he had someone else?

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Jamels
November 4, 2008 at 8:17 pm

Ashley

Yes it is very possible that he already has someone else. I am not saying he does but I know when my husband cheated on me everytime that he kept his appearance at top notch. I am so sorry that you are going through this. My heart aches also. May I suggest a book for all you women out there that need some guidance and strength right now. It is called “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood. When you keep wishing and hoping he’ll change. Hang in there girl. I will try also. It is very hard right now cause you think that your heart is going to stop from all the pain and that you just want to shrivel up in a corner and cry til there is no more.I am now two weeks and 1 day from my husband of 11 years leaving me and it hurts like hell. It’s got to get better right? I find I don’t know what to do with myself or my time besides beat myself up in the head and say why, what did i do so wrong that he felt like he had to leave. I guess the worst thing is that Some mutual friends say that he is living in a hotel right now. How bad could I have been? If anyone has any words of strength out there for me please say so. Good luck ashley and if you need someone to talk to I am here.

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alex
November 5, 2008 at 3:47 pm

I am not sure if this in the right place but I would love to hear anyones thoughts.
Three weeks ago I found out that my husband of twelve years has been having an affair ( we have been together 26 years) for the past 2 years. We had been getting lots of phone calls and in the end he had to confess. The other woman phoned all the time and started visiting the house and in the end my husband reported her to the police. My husband says he has been trying to end it and that is why this lady became so upset.
I had no idea, he works away all week and hardly ever goes out on his own, he is always touching me, holding my hand and always tells me he loves me. It seems he used to visit her every few weeks for sex. He says that their has never been any emotional involvment and it was just for sex ( no wonder the other lady got upset ). I would say that we havent had sex for 5 years and he thought that I was happy that way, I must admit that I got a bit over weight and didnt like to show my body and before I knew it 5 years had passed. We didnt talk about it .
He wants me to stay and appears to being very honest with everything I ask him, but I feel such a fool. My head tells me to run but my heart is saying something else. I would never of found out if this women had not forced the issue but I understand that when people have affairs they LIE. Our marriage has become like a friendship and I dont want to live in a marriage without intimacy, but I have only realy thought about this since the affair. He has been a good husband but I dont know what to do as I cant think straight.
Any thoughts?
Thank you

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Diane
November 8, 2008 at 2:05 pm

My husband of 9 years has just now admitted that he is not in love with me anymore and has no idea why .He is good and kind and says he cares about me .. I cannot afford to leave right now.. and it hurts so bad to live in the same house with him knowing his feelings have changed toward me..I made a proposal that I would save some money and move by next fall and he agreed that he would help me financially …What do I do with my emotions when he is around being that I still love him? How do i move on emotionally with us still being together?

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Luann
November 8, 2008 at 11:29 pm

I’ve been married 18 years (it will be 18 on Thanksgiving Day this year, and is also my birthday and wedding anniversary on 27 Nov. About 4-5 months ago, my husband just all of a sudden said he was unhappy (most of the blame he aimed at me) and said he wanted to be “alone”. First I cried, begged, whined, etc., then I kept reading books and internet sites that said NOT to do any of this. Be nice, kind, and go along with it. He has not moved yet. He says maybe first of January. I did discover on his computer that he is going to websites that are not appropriate. But yet, he is always either at work or home. So I’m assuming it’s internet-related. Finally we got in an argument this weekend, and I told him he didn’t have to wait till January, just go ahead and move. He hasn’t. He still goes places with me, he’s kind to me, he does things for me, and yet we haven’t had sex in almost a year. He doesn’t seem to want to touch me at all, but yet he says he cares. He says if he ever does leave he wants to remain “friends”. I told him after 18 years of marriage I don’t consider us friends. I still think he is planning on moving out in January — but with my BD and anniversary, and Thanksgiving coming up, I don’t know if that’s why he is putting it off. But as others have written, I have bought every book I can, ordered an expensive program, read the internet, etc., and all I’m hoping is that if I an remain kind and just put up with it, he’ll change, realize he loves me and never leave. All our friends are totally mystified by this. We have always been the perfect couple, and they say he never says anything but nice things about me, but yet he doesn’t want to touch me, etc. We are like “brother and sister” living together. He does say if he leaves he will continue to make our house payment, which I cannot afford. I just retired, and we bought an RV and were going to travel and see the States. Now he says we should not have gotten the RV, and is trying to sell it. But yet he remains here. He’s kind and thoughtful. I don’t know what is going on. I’m so confused. I don’t want to push him away or send him away, for fear of losing the house payment, or …. maybe he will get that “loving feeling” again, and we’ll pick up where we left off. Many many nights I go in another room and just cry and cry and cry. But I don’t let him see me cry or whine any more. I don’t know if that has made the difference. I cannot live without him. I love him soooooo much, and always has, and he knows that. He says that is what is making it so hard. But I guess what I’m trying to say is, that for some of you, and I hope myself, if your patient and kind, you just might keep him and win him back — but I also do believe in the power of PRAYER. I pray all the time.

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CC
November 9, 2008 at 6:37 pm

Two month ago I was going through the same thing where my husband told me he just didn’t have that loving feeling towards me anymore. Then I found out that he is having an emotional affair w/another women that is also going through martial problems. Like all women here, i went through denial, where I thought I would do every thing I could to “SAVE” our marriage. But the truth is it takes two people to stay in a marriage, no matter what you do, he has to want to work on the marriage in order for the marriage to work out. What my husband told me and what he wanted was different, he wanted out but felt guilty leaving our family for another women at the same time. I guess what I want to say to women that are going through the similar issue is that you can’t change another person’s thoughts and feelings no matter what you do. What you need to do is focus on your self, and become the women you want to be. Find a path that will lead you to a better future than now, weather is taking classes, focus on your kids or work, or finding a good divorce lawyer (although I can understand it is very hard to focus during a time like this) Just remember all problems you face in life will always have solution, and to know that things will get better even when it doesn’t look that way.

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Ashley
November 10, 2008 at 6:44 pm

Jamels,
Thank you so much for replying to me. I wasn’t expecting a reply and your sweet words mean so much to me even though I do not know you personally. I am also sorry that this is happening to you too. And, yes I know it will get better. It’s a struggle to get back up once youve hit the bottom, and I am living that reality right now.
And yes I will defiantly read that book. The title alone relates to me in every way. maybe I did love too much, but now I for damn sure know he didnt love me. (you dont love someone and throw them out on the street for no good reason)
How are you doing? have you since felt even an ounce of relief?
Ashley

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jamels
November 10, 2008 at 9:36 pm

Ashley,

Well it has been three weeks to the day and it still hurts like hell. It’s a extreme emotional rollercoaster. I get angry and then I am sad. Most the time I feel like I am walking around like a zombie and don’t know my head from my ^&%. I have not heard from him at all. It’s like eleven years just thrown out the window and never to take a look back. We did not have any children so that saves him from having to talk to me. I have not called him or texted him either. Just because everytime he cheated on me or just left over the last eleven years i would do nothing but constantly try to talk to him and tell him that i love him deeply and that i know we could make this work. But after everything that he told me like , ” I love you but am not in love with you, I want to have kids someday but I dont see you being the mother of my children (which we just had a miscarriage in april), I dont know if I can be faithful to you, You need to have someone that is proud to take you out on the town. Can you believe all the crap that he said to me. He used to tell me off and on that he could do so much better than me. Blah Blah Blah, Self esteem right in the gutter. That i guess is what is keeping me from trying to contact him this time, I dont want to try to hang on to someone that does not feel the same way about me you know. So i am kind of having to deal with reality right now after being in such a daze for the first couple of weeks, I have to make sure i take care of my dogs and the rent that i now have to pay on my own. Any way are you living with your dad now or what is going on with you. Are you ok, What are you thoughts.

Jamels

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Ashley
November 12, 2008 at 12:27 pm

Jamels,

I am still living with my dad right now. I can’t afford to go out on my own because he cleaned out our bank account and our savings. I am working steady trying to save up some money. I am so thankful for my father. If it wasn’t for him I would probably still be living out my car. Jared has tried to call me, but only to ask for my wedding band back. He says he’s still in debt for it and would like to have it back to go towards his debt. I never called him back, but he said he was doing great and to leave the ring in the mailbox in his message. I am almost totally convinced he has someone else now. I am still in pain but I know that I need to set myself some goals to work towards, like saving some money in the bank. I am also pregnant and I need to save some money towards my baby. It’s so horrible what you are going through. Eleven years is a long time. I still don’t understand how men can be so cruel. I asked my father and he just said “because they can”. which is I guess all the answer there really is.
where are you currently staying? do you have a place to stay? I hope your doing ok.
Ashley

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Jamels
November 12, 2008 at 10:17 pm

Ashley,

I am still staying in the house we have had for the last two years. I am currently trying to find a roommate to share this house with. I am pretty scared though cause it is always hard to reach out and ask people you don’t know if they want to move in. I am still having a really hard time. I want someone to explain to me how a man can do this to someone he spent 11 years with. How are you? How is the baby doing? Where do you live? Was it Chicago? I have been thinking about ya and hope you are ok.

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Ashley
November 20, 2008 at 6:04 pm

Jamels.

Im sorry it has been awaile since I’ve written to you. It’s been pretty hectic. I think that dfinding a roommate is a great idea. And yes, its very natural to be afraid, but I do believe it will benefit you. For one, you have some new company around you and that could be a very healthy good thing, and for two, it will help take half the burden of the rent off of you. Don’t be afraid Jamels. You can never end up where you want to be if it wasn’t for a little change.
And as for why he was able to leave after so long. 11 years is a very long time(but not too long to ruin your entire life!) James, from the way you present yourself, that man doesn’t even sound like he was even near your standard of a man you deserve. You sound like a very honest, loyal, trustworthy woman whom he took for granted since day 1. The fact that you were giving all you had, and he was still able to cheat on you is a sign of very low character on his part. I don’t believe you did anything wrong. You stayed and tried to put up with him and all of his shit, but he wouldn’t even meet you half way. Maybe him leaving was a very good thing. It hurts like hell, but maybe now in time you will be able to open your wings and start to experience more about yourself. Because honestly, this man did not put you first. He probably didn’t even put you second. You owe it to yourself to treat yourself with respect and the dignity you deserve, that you never got because he was too busy focusing on his needs instead of yours. What do you like to do Jamels? Do you like to read? Do you like to run like I do? I think you should do something that makes you feel good or at least somewhat enjoy. Hang in there.
As for Jared, he moved back to Texas yesterday. I didn’t say bye, and I haven’t told him I’m pregnant. I was still to angry. And honestly, I still am. We owned a house in Dallas, well it’s his now, and so he’s going back to work with his dad. They own a oil refinery, and so he is always guaranteed a job there.

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Ashley
November 20, 2008 at 6:08 pm

Jamels.

Im sorry it has been awaile since I’ve written to you. It’s been pretty hectic. I think that finding a roommate is a great idea. And yes, its very natural to be afraid, but I do believe it will benefit you. For one, you have some new company around you and that could be a very healthy good thing, and for two, it will help take half the burden of the rent off of you. Don’t be afraid Jamels. You can never end up where you want to be in life if it wasn’t for a little change.
And as for why he was able to leave after so long. 11 years is a very long time(but not too long to ruin your entire life!) James, from the way you present yourself, that man doesn’t even sound like he was even near the standard of a man you deserve. You sound like a very honest, loyal, trustworthy woman whom he took for granted since day 1. The fact that you were giving all you had, and he was still able to cheat on you is a sign of very low character on his part. I don’t believe you did anything wrong. You stayed and tried to put up with him and all of his shit, but he wouldn’t even meet you half way to make it work. Maybe him leaving was a very good thing. It hurts like hell, but maybe now, in time, you will be able to open your wings and start to experience more about yourself. Because honestly, this man did not put you first. He probably didn’t even put you second. You owe it to yourself to treat yourself with respect and the dignity you deserve, that you never got because he was too busy focusing on his needs instead of yours. What do you like to do Jamels? Do you like to read? Do you like to run like I do? I think you should do something that makes you feel good or at least somewhat enjoy. Hang in there.
As for Jared, he moved back to Texas yesterday. I didn’t say bye, and I haven’t told him I’m pregnant. I was still to angry. And honestly, I still am. We owned a house in Dallas, well it’s his now, and so he’s going back to work with his dad. They own a oil refinery, and so he is always guaranteed a job there.
I am ok. Actually I’m taking it day by day, but to me thats ok. I’m working steady.
How are you Jamels?
Ashley

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Ashley
November 20, 2008 at 6:10 pm

And yes I live in the heart of Chicago. What state are you in?

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Jamels
November 22, 2008 at 12:35 am

Ashley,
I live in Idaho. And have never really experienced any other State. I love it here, and the outdoors. I am sorry about your story. Are you going to tell him that you are pregnant? I too am trying to take it day by day. I am attending my weekly therapy sessions and my dr wants me to start an anti-depressant. I am not too much of a pill taker so am a little nervous to do so. They say it will help with the anxiety that i feel every second of the day. I am not sleeping to well. I wake up about 6 or 7 times a night in deep panic. And have a hard time going back to sleep. So what is chicago like. I would like to give you my personal email but am a little nervous to give it to you on this site and out to everyone. So what is Chicago like? Hope you are doing well.

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Ashley
November 25, 2008 at 12:07 pm

Jamels,
I love Idaho. I’m actually going to cascade on the 27th of December to visit a friend I have who lives out there. Idaho is so so beautiful. You are very lucky to live there. Chicago is very busy, loud, and noisy. Lol. I’ve lived here for most of my life. My parents have always worked in the city, and now I do too. It’s beautiful at night though. The lights are so beautiful from the Lake. My dad has a boat docked on the lake, and so whenever it is warm we usually go out for a day or two. Chicago would be a good place to vacation if you are looking for something new to experience and see. How do you like Idaho? I have only been to Boise and Cascade, so I do not know what the entire state looks like.
And I’m sorry your having panic attacks. I hate having them, but you just have to keep telling yourself that every day you are making progress. My doctor prescribed anti-depressants to me too, but I did not take them. I am like you, I do not like taking medication. I believe that medication should only be used when there is a chemical imbalance, and neither you or I have that. We are depressed because our husbands left. But if you feel like it could help you, maybe you should consider it.
Are you working right now Jamels? Did you find a roommate? and yes what should we do about the e-mail? here I’ll just give you mine. ashleydavis11@hotmail.com

Hope to hear from you soon
Ashley

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Luann
November 25, 2008 at 7:48 pm

Today is 25 Nov. I wrote back on 8 Nov that my husband cares about me, but he said he just doesn’t love me any more. This all started back in July. I hurt so bad every day I can hardly stand it. I’ve looked for a good support group around where I live, but never realized they are few and far between. I need people that are going through the same thing. I need someone to cry with, scream at, holler, kick things, etc. I believe my friends are tired of hearing me, and wonder why I continue to love him. But I say until you have loved someone so strongly for 18 years, no one can understand unless you have gone through it yourself. On 27 Nov it is my birthday, our anniversary, and of course Thanksgiving (all 3 wrapped into one). My husband moved out to another apt when I finally told him if I was so bad to live with, just go ahead and move out. So he did. I would give anything to take that comment back. Maybe he would have stayed. We slept in separate bedrooms, but maybe if we stayed together eventually the love he had might come back. He says he still cares about me, wants me happy, etc etc. He is even coming over for Thanksgiving, and we are just going to go out and eat somewhere. I bought him an anniversary card and a small gift. I doubt that he got me anything. My problem is I don’t know how to let go, and just not care. Everything and everywhere I go reminds me of him. I remember the things he said to me for 18 years, how much he loved me, he would never leave me, and that I would have to kick him out. Then back in July is when things seem to change. We lived together when he first told me he didn’t have those feelings any more, up until one day in November, when he moved. Every day I cry. Every day I hurt. I’ve been to line-dancing classes, but even there I can’t keep my mind on what I’m doing. I can’t focus on anything. It’s as though I’m in a fog and can’t get out of it. When I read all these notes on this website, I can’t believe how many this has happened to. I don’t know how to survive and keep going. How do you finally let go? How do you finally not care? And how do you simply just forget all those wonderful things we would say to each other, and the way we would sign our emails or end phone calls during the day when he was at work. I don’t think he’s involved with anyone here in this state, but I believe it’s possible it’s someone in another state, and maybe she told him she wanted him to move out, to prove he was seriously ending our marriage. I don’t know what is going to happen. I want him back. That’s all I know. But I can’t talk about it to him. As it seems most men, they just won’t talk. He gets upset if I bring the subject up, and then he wants to walk out the door. He said he is tired of discussing. I’m sorry to go on so long about this. Again, there needs to be support groups for women going through this kind of pain. As most of you, I loved this man for 18 years. Every day I told him how much I loved him, and appreciated what he does for me. And he would say the same thing back. Then it just seemed like his emotions turned off completely. I know they say some men go through the change, I don’t know if that’s true. All I know is every day I hurt and cry, but when he’s here I try to be happy and not mention anything, and continue on. I’m 57 and he’s 60. As I told him a while back, we don’t even have that many years left. Why now, does he feel he has to be “alone”? Again, I’ll never believe a man just wants to be “alone”. Reading all your notes, it seems we all get the same excuses and lines as to why they feel like they do. To sum it up if someone passes away, they had no choice to leave you, but when they can just up and walk away and choose to leave, the hurt is unbearable.

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CC
November 25, 2008 at 11:59 pm

Luann,

I think you are right with your husband being involved with someone else. I respect and understand when people fall out of love and they want to leave, but that really is seldomly the case. Most divorce happens when there is a third party involved, people don’t leave a marriage when they are not in love or unhappy, they mostly leave when they have found someone else to fill the void, or someone else to be happy with. 18 years is a long time, he needs to end your marriage in a honorable way by not dragging your emotion along any longer. I am really sorry for all the hurt and pain that you are going through, I just want to let you know that you are not alone, just read all the stories above, and believe that time will heal your pain and hurt even though it doesn’t seem like it at this moment. Remember one thing, Divorce never happens in a good marriage. Even if you thought it was good, the person who left you isn’t the person you need to be with or they wouldn’t have left you and cause you so much pain. You will always have the memories, But the healing process will only happen when you know where your marriage is going…the pain will gradually go away during you healing process. Please take care of yourself.

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Sonja Lord
November 26, 2008 at 4:41 pm

Luann,
My heart breaks with yours. My husband of 8 years has left me and our children behind as if we never meant anything to him. I’m more broken then I ever thought possible. I’m sure I physically can’t handle this breakup. My heart burns with real pain. I’m tired. I have little to no motivation to go forward. I love this man and he hates me. I don’t know what to do with my own situation but I can certainly sympathize with you for yours. Feel free to email me and we can chat.
Sonja – sonjaewell@gmail.com

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Luann
November 28, 2008 at 2:37 pm

Sonja — I saw a show the other night on TV — Super Nanny where her husband had died and left her with 2 small children. She cried. She was angry that he left her with 2 small children. It was a pretty good show. Even though my husband has not passed away, I feel it like a death. My point of this note is I cried all the way that whole hour of the show. Don’t know if you saw it. Fortunately, my children are grown. I don’t know how to tell someone to handle when they have small children on top of their husband leaving them. But I do know the hurt, the anger, every emotion that I didn’t even know I had. I guess I’m living in a “dream world” but I still pray my husband will realize what he has done, and come back. He keeps telling me to remember the good memories. Well, I do. That’s the problem. They were all good memories. We never fought, argued, or anything. We did everything together – I mean everything. And everyday we had a little code we told each other how we loved each other, then one day he just turned off. I blame it on mid-life crisis, but deep in my heart I feel there is someone else. All I know is it sure is nice to see this board, and realize so many are going through the same pain. I think if I had a lot of bad memories I could handle this easier, but I don’t. They are all happy, and I can’t believe they are over. I know physically I don’t feel I can handle it either. I can’t breathe. I cry and cry and cry. Sometimes my whole chest feels like it’s going to explode I hurt so bad. Do you know if your husband left for someone else? Maybe he will return. Maybe as some men he just needs a break and will realize what he has done. I want to remain positive, and hopefully you can too — but in the meantime the hurt is a physical hurt, mentally and physically. I do not know how I would go on with little ones at home. Sometimes I get so depressed I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up, but as I told my children when they were growing up, no matter how bad or low things get, normally things have a way of working themselves out, sometimes for the better, though at the time we may not know why or realize it. Hang in there.

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Naomi
December 14, 2008 at 6:48 pm

Hi Luann, I can understand how you feel, I feel the same way….
I’m 35, I have been married for nearly 5 years. Two days ago I went online and my husband had not closed his msn chat, I looked at it and he was having online sex with a girl, I was so shocked.
I confronted him right away and my husband said our marriage is over, he was going to talk to me this weekend about it.
He said he’s no longer “in love” with me but loves me very much, that I’m his whole world but he can’t go on, his needs aren’t being met emotionally, yet he right after says I’m the best thing that ever happened to him.

I’m in total shock, we just bought a house a few months ago, we have been getting along great and building the garage & fence ourselves, having fun, etc.
We have been through alot, when he first moved here it took nearly 2 1/2 yrs to get his work visa, it was hard for us to manage $$$ but we had each other and worked together on everything.
Soon after he got working my Mother suddently passed away, it was very hard but I really held up my Father and tried to keep it together, but my labido took a hit.
Yesterday I asked him if we could get help, he said would consider marriage therapy, I looked a therapist up, he thought about it and said he doesn’t think it will work, that the feelings may not come back for him towards me.

The lady he was talking to online is a friend he’s had for 20 years, she lives in another country and she’s a lesbian, I just don’t get it, it’s devastating.
He’s no turned on by me but he is by this lesbian?
He said they have always had this sort of banter, but when he met me his dissolved the friendship. He said he has no interest in a relationship with her and there is no one else. I don’t know if I believe him about there being no one else, or that he doesn’t have someone in mind.

We have no kids but two big dogs whom are my world. We have a morgage that is valued much higher than the house due to the recent market plunge in Canada.
If we sold we’d owe the bank and likely go into foreclosure or bankrupcy.
I’m terrified of my future, how will I make it?
I have been a hairstylist my whole life but because I lost my paperwork the apprenticeship board is kicking me out of my job in Feb 2009 and I have to pick a new career or retake my hairdressing schooling and get a student loan and go on unemployment for a year – how can I? I can’t afford to…

I don’t know if I’ll be able to find a place to rent with my two dogs, if I have to give them up my world would come crashing down. They are the only thing that keep me sane.
I think about suicide constantly, my responsibility to them stops me from following through on it.

Also with my work, everyone knows me personally, I cannot bare having clients ask me and me have to lie or tell them what has happened, I will fall apart.
This has come from nowhere, everyone knows us as the happy funny couple who are so great together.
I did not see this coming at all.
He’s been stressed at work and went to see our Dr. who gave him anti-depresant meds three weeks ago.
They calmed him the first two weeks then stopped working. The day before this happened between us they doubled his dose, he’s all over the place on them now.
I told him to call and find out if the meds are giving him a reaction, he said he would.

The last two nights I have woken up and he’s been cuddling me so tight, he never has before, he strokes my hair and kisses my forehead.
He keeps holding my hand and cuddling me and saying “what have I done to us, to you?”

I’m a crying wreck, it hurts so bad, I cry like I have never cried before.
I see people in disfunctional marriages and they make it work, they get help and stand by eachother.
I felt we had a great marriage and just like like he’s bailing, with no chance for trying to fix it.

Clearly I was missing something all these years, he said he should have talked to me more and told me how he felt. My view of our marriage was clearly not the same view as his, this is not some sudden realization on his part I know.

This is just the worst time for us to break up financially, the house, the dogs, one of which we bought recently and now needs $3,000 surgery from a torn ligament, my career.
We sold our last house 1 year ago, I don’t understand if he felt the same way back then, why not leave when we can land on our feet and at least support ourselves, back then we did well from the sale of the house, now it has all gone.
It’s not that I care about the money, I just have no clue how I’ll ever be able to afford to support myself, to simply live. He makes $50,000 year, he can survive.

We don’t know what to do about the living situation, he’s suggested we stay here together for a while and not rush into anything. Neither of us wants to hurt the other person with some messy divorce, we aren’t like that.
He wants to take time to figure out what move to make.
I feel like a complete failure as a wife….

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Luann
December 18, 2008 at 11:07 pm

Naomi. I feel for you so much. We had been married 18 years. Every day we were happy. We too had built a home, a 4 car garage, a patio, everything he wanted. I thought we were spending too much money but it made him happy. I went along with it. Then he went to TX for 2 weeks, (he had been quiet before he went to TX) came back and said he wanted a divorce. He did not move out until this past November. I finally got made (wish I could take it back) and told him if I was so miserable to be around, go ahead and move., so he did. I think he was just waiting on those words. Then he took a week off from work right after our anniversary, he took no time with me. The very next week he said he had a “golf package” something he wanted to do. Well, I’m positiive he didn’t go where he said he was going. It was about 12 hours away. I also think I know who the other woman is. She used to work for him. I called her husband one night, and he just laughed. Said she was still there, and that he did not know why I saw that she had gone back to her maiden name on one of the internet boards. I don’t believe him now that I look back on it. I want my husband back home. I do and say everything the books say. I don’t push, cry, beg, or plead. He still comes over. We go out sometimes, but he has not really touched me in a year. He stares off into space, as if he is thinking of someone else, or miserable. But I just won’t let go, not when it may just be something he is going through (or another woman) and will soon tire of it all, and come back home. He is even paying the house payment for me, and says he will continue to do so. Problem is all the money going out on 2 places now. I retired, with the intention we were going to travel. We bought an RV. He retires in about a year. Now he says he may not retire. Each day I’m alone at home. I try to stay busy, the only thing I enjoy is line-dancing, so I’ve been doing that. The last thing I wanted to do when I was eligible to retire at 55 was to go back to work. Our dreams were the same at the time. Have fun. Life is short, and travel. All that changed this past year – and if it is another woman he still has chosen not to tell me anything. But he has agreed to go to Retrouvaille (here in Atlanta) on 16 Jan. I’m praying that God will get us back together somehow some day, and I just refuse to give up — at this point. I cry many many times at night alone — no children at home. Sometimes I swear I hear him snoring. My life changed dramatically, and I don’t know what to do, but continue on, and hope things improve. Things normally have a way of working out for the best. I also cry like I have never cried before. I take Klonopin for anxiety — thank goodness my doctor understands. I had even suggested we stay in the house for the purpose of money, and I would sleep in another room. But the day I suggested he might as well go ahead and move he jumped on it. I would take back all those words if I could do it over. I don’t think a couple can get back together when they are apart. But again, we do continue to see each other maybe once a week, but the trust is gone. When he’s not with me, I wonder where he is and what he is doing. I’m trying my best to stick to the 180. Believe it or not, about 3 months ago, I started a journal on my computer, if anything happens to me, I want him to read it. I’ve told my best friend where it is. The journal has become a release for me to write down all my feelings day by day for him to read.

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Luann
December 19, 2008 at 5:20 pm

Naomi, I would give anything if my husband would even cuddle or hold me. That’s one part that is better than mine. He moved in another place. When he does come over, he seems like he’s always in a hurry to get back to his apartment. We have a beautiful home, 4 car garage, patio, deck, everything he worked on, and spent money on, he just walked away from. He says there is “no one”. I don’t believe him. I think whoever it is is out of state. I wish I had the strength to just tell him to decide what he wants, and until he does, then come see me. But I can’t. Every time he calls, no matter what, I’m there for him, always happy to see him. All I want is for him to hold me, or cuddle, or ask what has he done to us, but nothing like that ever happens to me. We are going to the Retrouvaille in January in Atlanta. He has agreed to that, which surprised me, but made me happy. But I really don’t think he wants to get back together. I think he just wants us to be friends. We were married 18 years, and he just walked away from it and everything. I still believe he cares about me, not sure if he loves me, but I’m doing everything in my power to try to get us back together. But everytime he buys something new for his apartment, I feel it puts me further on the backburner. I don’t want to go out and meet others. I’m 57. I look young for my age, but I only want him. Here it is Christmas and New Years, and this has to be the unhappiest I have ever been in my life. I cry every day when no one is around, which is most of the time. I have 2 grown sons, but they live a long way away. I just want my husband back and my life and my future. Everyone says stick to your friends, etc, but around the holidays they are all with family, or out of town. When you are “single” your couple friends are not there for you like they were. I started drinking wine. I’ve never drank in my life. I find it relaxes me.

I too feel like a failure as a wife. Apparently I did not keep him happy, or did not give him what he wanted. And I will admit after 18 years, you don’t have that same young feelings when you first meet. But people grow older together, they have a life together, and they build on that.

Financially we cannot afford this either. I see all the money he is spending to set up another place, and the places we could have traveled. That’s what he said we would do when I retire and then he retires. It seems after I quit working 2 years ago, things changed. I don’t know why.

Anyway I really like this message board. It makes me feel not so alone, but I also would like to read of any reconciliations, and what you did to get back together. Did you separate? How long? And what did you do? Act like you don’t care?? All I read says don’t cry, beg, whine, etc. Just let them do their thing. It’s sooooo hard. I want to hold on to his leg when he gets ready to leave, and beg him not to. But I don’t, and I don’t cry. I wait till he leaves then I break down.

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cc
December 23, 2008 at 4:39 pm

Luann, I am so sorry that you are in so much pain, believe me I know where you are coming from, and you are not alone……I like to visit this site often too to know that I am not alone. I am glad to hear that you are getting treatment for anxiety, they can be hard to deal with from time to time.

You are in a extremely tough situation because you don’t know where your marriage is going, I think that is far worse then an divorce. I really wish I could help you understand that you should put your emotional well being before anything else right now ( like your marriage) being dragged along is not fun, and it’s not fair. And remember that the only person that will be w/you for your entire life in yourself. I know you would never end your marriage because you love your husband way too much, but try to look at it this way, your husband has lost someone that LOVES him so much and you in reality has lost someone that just isn’t IN LOVE with you anymore, who has lost more in this situation?

My husband left me for another women, and he blames me and our marriage for his affair. You know, I am pretty bitter and angry right now, but deep down I know I am this bitter and angry because I love him so much, more than life itself. And to tell you the truth, I am in a much better place now then three month ago when I didn’t know where my marriage was going, that was the hardest period of my life, I had anxiety attacks, and cried all day long, I often look back and think how did I made it through something like that? But you are so much stronger than you realize, and one day I hope to look back to this chapter of my life and realize that everything did happen for a reason, marriage don’t fall apart for no reason, and that our destiny is not tied to someone that has walked away from us.

I think you know in the bottom of your heart where your marriage is, just remember to be honest with yourself regarding what is really happening, if you think he only wants to be friends with you, then he probably does only want to be friends with you. I hope you don’t think I am being too negative regarding the outlook of your marriage, I just hate to think you are stuck in such difficult place.

Marriage takes two people to work, but it can fall apart if one person decided to end it. You are not the person that walked away form your marriage, and to be honest, you sound like such nice, considerate, caring person. Even after he has left you, you still care about HIS financial situation. I don’t believe that you have failed your husband and your marriage. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

I hope everything will workout in your life, and try to have a happy holiday. Keep us posted on how everything turns out. I am here to support you no matter what your decisions are.

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Luann
December 26, 2008 at 4:09 pm

cc: What a nice note from you. Thank you so much. You say things exactly as my best friend does. She says I am too nice, and that he chose to move out, and say that he was not in love, but cares about me. He told me he would always be here for me. But being friends??? I’m trying. I really am. Because I read so many things that say many times if you can just be friends, and act like you are doing okay with or without, that many times they will come back. So I prayed for a Christmas miracle, but it didn’t happen. I did stay at his apartment 2 nights around Christmas. We went to our best friends house for dinner, etc., but once back at his apartment — yes — just friends. We watched movies together. We sleep in the same bed, but he does not touch me, or hold me, or even give me a clue that he would like to.

So my next miracle is the marriage weekend thing around 16 January in Atlanta. Maybe at least something will come out of that. I don’t want to lose him, and you are right, I worry about him financially. We both worked so hard to get what we have, but he is the one that really bought and saved, and worked so hard around the house building and getting things just as we wanted. And then he was able to walk away from it. I guess deep-down I cannot believe he can do that, and continue to do that, but I understand many men can walk away from material things. I can’t. I love what we have, and worked to get. I love our house. But it kills me to see his things, his garage, his tools, things he built, etc. Those things are still here, I guess because he can’t move them to an apartment. I try to tell myself there is no one else in the picture, but I feel pretty sure it is, but I believe she lives in another state, so I’m hoping distance will break them up.

I don’t know what to do. I cry and I cry. But I have to say I don’t cry quite as much. I do take the anxiety pill every day, t hat helps, but I do seem to be better than I was the first month, so maybe with time I’ll accept the fact that he’s never going to want back in the marriage, and maybe I’ll be able to let him go. But a divorce is the last thing I want. I want to have been able to have done everything in my power to pull us back together. If that doesn’t work, I suppose I’ll survive and it’ll get easier, but right now I just don’t know.

I appreciate the kind note. Everything you said is very true, and deep down I know it’s all true, but I believe in miracles, and I believe he loved me that much for 18 years, how can he just stop.

Reading this message board is wonderful, and it’s great to see a lot of us are in the same boat.

I did ask him why he agreed to the marriage encounter weekend, and he said he was “keeping an open mind” (I’m not even sure what that means), but he said if I was going and expecting us to get back together that weekend, then it probably won’t happen. (and of course I wanted to believe that maybe he meant with time). I do know there are follow-up counseling sessions, but I don’t know if he’ll do those too.

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Luann
December 26, 2008 at 6:38 pm

cc: I thank you for your kind words, and I know you are right in everything you say. My best friend tells me the same thing. If he wants to be friends, that’s basically all I’m going to get. But after 18 years of marriage, and we were BOTH crazy about each other, and did everything together, and always said we only had each other, and I always believed God brought us together (long story). So I am unable to let go. I just can’t. I may reach a day where I cannot take the “friends” part any longer. I keep hoping the “friends” will go back to the marriage. I do know that if I insisted on a divorce, or breaking up, or being ugly about it, I would lose him for sure, and I’m just not willing to do that right now.

But it is so true marriage takes two people to make it work, and if only one keeps trying, then it just won’t work. I think I wrote we are supposed to go to a marriage encounter type weekend in January (he agreed to it), but sometimes I wonder why he did. Is he just doing it to say we did try everything, and it just didn’t work. I know he is not really trying. He likes being friends.

I did spend a couple days at his apartment for Christmas, but there was no “marriage” between us. We went to our best friend’s house and had dinner, and then went back to his apartment, and were “friends” — that’s it. I keep hoping for more, and I don’t want to push him.

But I have to admit I’m reaching the point where I don’t know if it’ll ever be a marriage again. That’s why I believe there is someone else, not locally, but maybe out of town. But I keep hoping if she’s out of town, then distance will break them up. Gosh, am I stupid or what?!! But he will not admit to seeing anyone else. He swears he is not. I believe him. And on the other hand I don’t. None of it makes sense.

But yes, I do love him, I even worry about him financially, and wonder why we are trying to keep up two places.

Again, I thank you for your kind note, and your advice and feelings. I do believe what you say. For now, I’m hanging in there, but this has been going on now for about 6 months. He only moved out about 2 months ago.

I know you say your husband left you for another woman, so apparently you know for sure. I cannot even begin to imagine the anger and the hurt I would feel. I cannot get my spouse to admit to anything. I don’t know what I would do, but I worry that I’m going to be faced with the same situation.

You have every right to be very bitter and angry, but you sound like you have things handled pretty well, and taking care of yourself. I know that’s what they tell us to do, and I know that I don’t make myself number one. My best friend keeps telling me I need to worry about myself, and not him.

Again, thank you for the words. I did appreciate reading it all, and so many things you say are so true.

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Naomi
December 27, 2008 at 12:54 pm

Hi Luann,

Sorry Xmas was so hard on you, sorry all of this is so hard on you.

I was also alone for Xmas, my husband left me on Dec 23rd to fly to England to be with his family and visit this woman I caught him online with.
I have not heard from him since he left, he’s supposed to be flying back New Years day.
To be honest I wonder if he will actually get on the plane.
I guess I’ll deal with it if he doesn’t, I won’t worry about it now.

But you know what, I had an apiphany Xmas day whilst watching the movie “The Holiday”, and after watching that, for some reason, I know whatever happens I will make it through all this mess, I will not let this define my entire life.

I sat back and took a good look at what was really going on, and there are a few things that are very clear…

He is not in love with me, when he hugs me all I sense is his guilt and his pitty for me, but nothing more.
I’m so upset about loosing him but what have I really lost….he doesn’t love me.
I can’t make him love me, I can’t make him feel that way about me, and I know I’d do anything in the world to change that, change his mind. But to be honest I don’t think it would work.
If he did come back, I’d refuse to live my life questioning my every thought, word, action, towards him, and yet by taking him back I know that’s what I’d do…it would be no life for me.
I don’t deserve that, I deserve trust, honesty, commitment to the relationship, and love. To stay with him would be like a cat hanging onto curtains….I’d be digging my nails in trying to hold onto, but all the time slidding down to the floor.
I will not be that….not because I’m too proud but because that is not love, that is fear, uncertainty, confusion, and I cannot enjoy a good relationship in fear of him doing this again.

Before he left I threw out all our wedding photos (I did ask if he wanted any first) not to be mean, but because I was doing a clearout and what am I supposed to do with them? Look at them years from now and and feel what?
He was upset by this and said he was moving into the spare room to sleep, which I agreed was a good idea, we weren’t fighting just being civil.

He locked himself in the spare bedroom for three hours. We were supposed to be going out to do some important things together and he just kept saying he’d be a minute.
I knew he was typing to her, that I didn’t care so much about, as I did his total lack of respect towards me, knowing I was sat waiting for him for hours.
When he emerged I expressed quite calmly that what he was doing made me feel uncomfortable in my own home, he said he didn’t want me seeing he was typing to her and was trying to be respectful to me whilst he vented to her about our marriage.
He didn’t get why locking the door would bother me so much.

When we returned from our outing I went into the office, shut the door and began writting to a male friend I know, nothing is between, we are just friends, but my husband has a habit of standing over my shoulder and reading my emails so I thought it would be best.
He opened the door and asked who I was writting to, I told him, he said he didn’t like me shutting the door it made him uncomfortable, like I was up to something.
To which I told him, now you know how I felt earlier.
He right away said he was sorry, and that he didn’t realize how bad that felt and he’d not do it again.

I wasn’t trying teach him a lesson (I’m not like that) but in that moment I learnt my own lesson about our current relationship…..
It’s not about me……all the things he’s done since I found out have not been nothing more than him taking care of his own feelings.
To be honest, when I look back at our relationship this last few years, he did a good job of taking care of himself and putting me second instead of equal.
Sure there were many great times, but there was something missing, I was just too in love to make a big issue out of it, when I did mention it he’d make out like I was overreacting.

I’m not into Hollywood gossip and stars, but I did read a quote by one the other day when he was asked on the success of his marriage and how they do it.
He replied “We removed divorce as an option, I’m responsible for my own happiness and she for her happiness. If one of us is unhappy we do what we need to do to fix our own unhappiness and don’t expect the other person to fix it”.

Those words helped me…my husband turned to divorce as his first and only option. Why would I want that kind of marriage, with someone who bails out so quickly?

I have no idea what lies ahead for me, if my house will sell, if I will go into bankrupcy, where will I live, where will I work?
But I can do this one day at a time and I will not sit and worry myself sick over it all at once because that will paralyze me.

I can live without him, there was a life before we met, it will be very hard but I know there is something better out there for me, I just need to buckle down and do what needs to be done to make a future for myself.

It’s ironic, an old boyfriend came to my work a couple months ago and point blank asked me to have an affair (he’s seperated from his wife)
We had the best sex life ever when we were together, we just let go and didn’t overthink it, we just experienced eachother.
I told him there’s no way I could do that to my husband, to my marriage, I could not live with myself.

I feel good about that choice, I’m a good person, I will find another good person who appreciates me for who I am.
I cannot put my energy into trying to fix my marriage, I’d be the only one trying.
I can only put my energy into me and taking care of myself.
I’d like to get in better shape, feel good about myself, take time to unwind.

I find as women we tend to multitask, we compound all the things we need to do, no wonder we get stressed, we are too hard on ourselves.

I have many challenges to face, I will take them on one at a time, one day at a time.
I am sad, I’m beaten down heartbroken, but I have hope and I will take that hope and I will move forward towards be happy again.

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Luann
December 27, 2008 at 9:04 pm

Naomi, I couldn’t have written the last note you wrote any better. My husband doesn’t hold me or hug me. Every now and then, maybe once a month, he gives a little hug, or a quick peck on the lips — but it’s only as you say a sense of guilt. I am like you I want to hold on to him and not let him out the door at all.

But I love that you went in another room and started typing a note or something, and he wanted to know why you locked the door? That was great!!! I really believe if some of us could make the other thing there is more to just him as our life, and he’s made his choice, that now we have to get on with our lives. You really did good when you did that. That must have felt great. I have put much energy into repairing our marriage, and trying to get him back home. I’m the one that set us up with MC, and then an expensive $400 program (did get my money back), and now I have us scheduled for a marriage enrichment weekend. After that I feel I have done everything possible. As everyone says if you are the only one working at R then it’s probably not going to happen, but I just can’t let go right now. I don’t know why. Insecurity? Maybe? Older, I’m 57 (look young for my age), but my life and future was with my H for 18 years. I can’t just let that go. And it kills me to think he may be with someone else even tonight (Saturday). But I know he did not come see me. Some days I cry for hours, especially in the beginning. He first told me this past July he just was “not in love with me” but cares about me. So for 6 months I’ve gone through my own hell — I do take anxiety tablets. I hope the doctor never cuts me off them until this is over. But I enjoyed your note, and understood everything you said, and I feel the same way about it all.

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Cindy Oden
December 29, 2008 at 5:31 pm

I wrote you a few weeks ago, I didn’t hear back from you. Maybe I don’t know how this works.. Lost in Love, 12/29/08. Please respond so I know how this works.. Thanks

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Luann
December 31, 2008 at 5:21 am

Cindy, I did not see a note from you. I’m assuming you meant you sent to my email address?? I just saw your note, but I don’t know how to respond either. I only know how to add notes to notes already on these pages.

I’m not ignoring you, just got to figure out how to respond. Sorry I haven’t responded. Maybe some of the readers on this webpage can tell us how to get in touch with someone by email. Luann

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Luann
December 31, 2008 at 11:42 am

Cindy, I have not seen a note from you. I’m new to the boards too, so maybe I’m not looking in the right place, but as far as I know there is no place to check for email, unless you sent straight to my home email, and I don’t those are posted on the web.

I was hoping maybe someone on this site can tell us how to do that. When I click on your name, it does not take me anywhere.

Luann

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Constance
December 31, 2008 at 2:54 pm

Lets see ..where do I start. First of all I had spent hours reading this blog because I thought I was out there alone then I find out that there are so many of us thats going through the same. Whether its 2 years or 30 the pain and agony is the same. Some of your stories are similar to mine.

The advice on the internet is the same but why do you even have to play games or act a certain way to have our relationships back? We cry, plead, bargain beg to save what we hold on to and love most. It sickens me to know that so many men out there can turn their backs on their families or commitments.

I had taken a course called the landmark forum which made me realize that loving a person IS a choice we make. Ladies..we make that choice everyday to keep our love and commitments while the men in our life chose not to.

My experience has been the same. Its not different. They claim they love you, will never hurt you and women know relationships have their ups and downs, most men for some reason can’t seem to see that, they just turn on and off like a light and hold no responsibility for the damage they have done, they just capable of walking away just as they are capable of seperating love and sex. Now I’m not saying all men do this but apparently a lot. At least all them in our lives so far.

Regardless of what one says its their actions that dictate who they are. They might say they love you or care for you but seriously if they do they wouldn’t hurt you, disrespect you or treat you that way. How can someone walk out on their kids and a wife of say 20-30 just like that?!

It’s been over a year for me and I am still crying all the time. After I caught him lying, cheating and treating me badly you would think I would come to my senses. I ask the same questions many of you do. HOW could this person DO this to me after all we been through, after all I sacrificed, gave up my life, my career, my friends and family to move to CA to start a life there with him. But no I didn’t come to my senses, I cried, pleaded, beg and he said go FIX yourself as all the blame was shifted on me. I felt like a complete failure and my self esteem and self worth pummited. He didn’t care that I had no where to go or turn to, didn’t care that it drove me into deep depression and I couldn’t function, eat, sleep or work. All he cared about was himself. It as clear that this man didn’t not care for me.

It saddens me to know that so many of us share this experience and so many of us suffer and can’t seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel. It makes me scared to trust and love another man ever again. Never knowing if this person might do the same if not worse and believe me I’ve had it happen to me more than once. So what do us women do? Do we not love again and fight against our nature? Do we learn to live a life of solitude? I used to ask myself WHY am I the one thats so unlucky but now I know there are many of us out there experiencing the same.

Why do we put up with so much BS? These men walk all over us, treat us like dirt, cheat, lie, disrespect yet we are so afraid of our pain and lost that we will be willing to give up anything and everything to have them back by our sides? And when they do come back it will eat us alive because the trust is broken. Trust that took years to build. Your happily hitched friends that tell you don’t worry you will find better DOESN’T help because they are not living through it. I never experienced so much pain in my life and it almost took my life, surely my soul and my trust in men.

Why do we put up with this behavior and abuse because we are so afraid to be abandoned or can’t live w/o this person and be out there alone. I find that the older we get the scarier it gets too. One little phrase expels them of all commitment and responsibility of what they put another human being thru. I don’t love you anymore and I am leaving. IS that really ok? No its not. They never stopped to think what impact or harm they can do to others, their children or the woman they left behind. They are saying I could care less if you’re 55 and sacrificed your entire life for me, Im only looking out for my best interest.

Thats pretty much what my husband said to me when he left. You are suppose to be number 1 in your life, and his excuses were if you had done this correctly or that correctly then maybe but the grass is greener on the other side and I don’t need you. I’m going to find someone “better” and everything I’ve always wanted.

My marriage was 3 years and I’ve existed but not lived my life for a year now. I’m writing this New year’s eve. I can’t even imagine what 20 or 30 years with kids would be like. It is so unfortunate that being a woman we have to learn to protect our hearts, always watch our backs and our spouses to make sure they aren’t cheating or given opportunities to do so. Learning to protect ourselves. My parents have been together for over 35 years and they put each other first. My mother never taught me any of this for my father would never abandon her, his family or treat my mother this way. Now I am learning from the school of life here and the sad reality is we do have to learn what men instinctly know, to watch out for ourselves first before them.

Look at me, I’m in my 30’s and coming out of this relationship has made me so angry and although I really don’t want to spend my life alone from this point on I ask myself if I would take a chance on putting myself through this again? I am too afraid to ever again. This took everything out of me and I am still riding through the pain and trying to figure out if I can ever get out of this.

Currently living with a friend and trying to find work with a terrible economy and struggle through depression. I feel like I am a complete failure in life nd terrified of the future. I really don’t know how we all get into this mess in the first place.

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Luann
January 1, 2009 at 12:11 am

Constance, yes, it is very curious to me and so sad to see how many this happens to. It makes me not trust men at all. I was married 1st marriage lasted 7 years. He cheated on me. I found out. At that time we had 2 small children. Anyway, was divorced. 10 years later I met the man I knew God sent me. We were married 18 years, and out of the blue one day he says he doesn’t love me any more, he cares about me, never wants to see me hurt so bad, but he just can’t live with me. So many times I sat by his bed at a hospital just to watch him breathe, to make sure he was still breathing. I am 57 now and he is 60. I love him more than life itself, more than myself. Tonight as you say is New Year’s Eve. First New Year’s Eve we haven’t spent together in 18 years. I feel each day I’m dying inside. I cry, but not as much as a month or two ago. But everywhere I go are reminders.

I really honestly believe mine has another woman in another state. I don’t say anything. I try to just put up with it. He moved out of the house into an apartment this past November. I can’t check his email or mail, or computer like I used to. It’s too long to go into, but I’m sure he sees her a couple times a year. I think tonight he probably called her at midnight. I’m sick. I’m heartbroken, and as you say I spent our whole 18 years taking care of him and worrying about him, and doing everything in the world I could for him. And then just one day he says he doesn’t want to be married any more. I begged him not to file for divorce, but to figure out what he wants. Well, he retained an attorney without my knowledge. I found the paperwork (back in August). He claimed he wasn’t trying to hide it from me. Yeah, that’s why it was in a notebook under a stack of papers.

We are going to the marriage Retroavaille in Atlanta in January, but I don’t believe he is going with the commitment to save our marriage. I think he is going through the motions so he can say he tried.

I also think the older we get the worse it is. I built my life around him and our future with him. I do not care one thing about finding someone else or dating. Not at 57. I only want him. But everyone and all books tell you don’t beg, cry, whine, fuss, argue, etc., so therefore I say nothing. I want to tell him I think I know what the heck is going on, and I’m sick of being made a fool of like I have no sense. But I guess I keep hoping it will burn out if it’s out of state, or he’ll wake up and come to his senses. I don’t know what to do, where to go, or where to turn. This has taken everything out of me too. When I go out with any friends, this is all I talk about. I think I’ve scared my friends away. They are tired of hearing it over and over. There answer is just tell him to leave, or tell him you want a divorce, etc., but I don’t, and I won’t, not until everything under the sun has been done to save our marriage. I know many times men leave, and then come back. That’s what I pray for.

But I agree, it’s like starting life all over again, and this is supposed to be our retirement years and travel years, and enjoy each other as friends. Well, that’s what we are doing — friends. He has not touched me, hugged me, or really kissed me (much less anything else) in a year, so you can’t tell me a man can go that long without, so I know she’s out there, I just don’t have the proof. I wish I could afford a PI to take pictures, but yet, she’s in another state. It would cost me a fortune.

I do not want to spend my lfie alone. I love married life and that security and that friend and lover there for you when you need him, and he needs you. That’s what marriage is to me. Taking care of each other, but having love at the same time.

Oh, and yes, all the blame seems to go on me, doesn’t matter what happens. We almost had a wreck on a motorcycle one day, that was my fault he said because I had him distracted because I wasn’t talking, so he thought I was mad. I had talked for an hour or so, but the rest of the trip, I was just kicking back taking it easy on the back seat, so when we almost had that wreck he blamed it on me. Everything has been my fault.
Luann

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Constance
January 1, 2009 at 3:45 pm

Naomi – You are an example of strength for all of us. I have yet to figure out how to continue on but it brings comfort to know I am not alone.

Luann – We will never fully understand why this has to happen to some of us. I used to think perhaps I’m just unlucky but then if I really think about it, was it really all my fault?

Did I really keep my eyes open when choosing that man? I can say I did not. You mustn’t give your trust to a man w/o really understanding their nature as a person. I have a friend whose married to a man whose got cheater written all over his face yet she was still so blinded by everything she married him. She has caught him twice cheating on her yet she just let it slide. They have 2 young children together, I think they aren’t going to last, one can only take THAT much. Anyway its all water under the bridge, we must deal with the situation on hand now.

My friends are sick of hearing it as well, you need to find ppl who can relate and have a penpal or write on this blog and get a therapist. It helps. Every little bit helps or you will go crazy. I was so sick and had anxiety attacks. I was so miserable that I didn’t care if I lived or died.
I totally neglected my heatth this whole year and now I only begun to take care of myself again. I started to eat vitamins and take yoga. Anything small will help you ease your pain.

Life now for you is in limbo and if it all ends you will feel as if you are exisiting but not living and you think life is over. Don’t pour your heart out to insensitive ppl, it will only make you feel worse. It really does get harder as we get older because time is no longer on our side.

I can’t say what the future may bring but I know that I will never EVER again put all my heart and soul into a man. They say you are responsible for your own happiness, that is something we all must learn to do otherwise it can happen again and then it will be that much harder to get up. This breakup almost took my life and although I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t want to go through it again even if it means I won’t ever allow someone in my heart again.

Its been a year for me and I totally let my life slide and you know why? Because I didn’t take care of my own life. I put his needs, his wants and his life before mine and now I ask myself has he ever done that for me? Now I am in therapy, financially broke, emotional broken and lost all hope. I can’t seem to get the memories out of me.

We all wish this to go away and the men in our lives could care less, they move forward w/o any remorse, regret and turn into someone we don’t even recognize. Cold, heartless and selfish. Why are we wired so differently?

I learned not to let a man step on me and although right now you will do anything to keep this person, the more you give bow down to his selfish ways the more he will think he can get away with everything.

I really don’t know what to tell everyone because I am struggling myself. I just want to run away somewhere far and never remember any of this ever happening. I read an article on Christy Brinkley’s divorce. We all have something to learn from her. She’s been married 4 times and yet you see her coming out strong and unwilling to put up with her ex husband’s bs and disrespect. She is 54 years old. And she has worked on her life, her happiness and herself all these years. I think that is the secret of why she knows she will be ok. She put herself first and won’t allow any man to treat her badly or disrespect her.

Luann, even if you did hire someone to find out about that woman then what are you going to do with the evidence? Would you confront her? She may or may not even care if he is a married man. No matter what you must take care of your well being because when everything is done and over with you will kick yourself in the butt for not doing so and letting your health fail because of this. I know I am.

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Luann
January 2, 2009 at 1:53 pm

Constance — you are so right about everything, really. The past 2-3 days I slept. Everytime I woke up I took another Ambien. All I want to do is sleep. That’s the only relief I get. I can’t stand it that he CAN stand it. As you say, he just seems to go on his merrily happy way. We still see each other at some functions we go to together, but he has no love for me, and I know it. And later I kick myself from here to eternity that I just don’t let go completely. He hasn’t filed for divorce, so I guess I just keep hoping that he does care, and may come back home. But the other night when we went out with friends for New Year’s Eve, it wasn’t until the next day (no, we don’t spend the night together either) that I realized he spoke to me just very little. I was sitting right beside him, and I swear, I cannot remember him even talking to me. I think I’m a token. That’s all I am is a token. He is a member of other things, and I have come to the realization I’m just a token. BUT — I cannot seem to break the hold he has on me. I want him back so bad. I don’t want to start all over with anyone else — and it’s not that — it’s that I love him that much. It’s that he apparently doesn’t love me. I think he cares, but only an obligation of caring. I don’t know what will happen in the future. I don’t know if I even want a future. I get up each day (I am retired now) with what? I retired because we were going to travel. We bought an RV to travel. It sits outside the house day in and day out. We talked of the future all the time. Now my future is gone.

And you are right, even if I hired someone and knew for sure there was someone else, what would I do? I think I still wouldn’t do anything, because I don’t want a divorce. I think I just want it as a backup in case he does. I just want him to love me again. I don’t know how to win back the love. I’ve tried everything.

It’s been almost a year since he has hugged me or really kissed me. He always gives me a real quick goodbye kiss. The other day I told him he doesn’t even have to do that. It means nothing to him.

I could go on and on, but it sounds like so many of us are all in the same boat, destroyed by a man that just goes on with his life. Women give “all” when they love a man. They can’t just go from one thing to another — I guess there are some women that can, I wish I could, but I can’t.

These boards to help (for a while), then I have to get back on them to try to build myself back up again.

Now as far as Christie Brinkley and Jane Fonda and all those women that are getting divorced, or are divorced, they do not have a problem meeting others. They have the looks, they have the money, and they are not worried about their future. I think that is the difference. I don’t know that they hurt as bad as us every-day women.

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cc
January 2, 2009 at 10:52 pm

Constance,

After reading your post, I have to say I agree with you 100%. How can someone that we build a family, raised a child and shared a life with just turn their back towards us so easily. When I found out that my estrange husband was having an affair, he turned so cold towards me so quickly, although we were seeing a therapist together, I knew he wanted out of our marriage, and thinking back the way he was acting towards me during the end of our marriage still gives me the chills.

I am glad to hear that you have started to take care of your self again, that is so important. And I am also glad to hear you are very honest with your feelings and emotions. My therapist tells me it is so important to grief through out this process, that if I ever feel angry to understand why I am so angry, and usually is because of the pain and hurt that came with the betrayal.

I don’t think i can ever trust a man again, they are just different, they are build to care more about themselves than anyone else, and women are build to care for others like our children and husband.

Luann, I am happy to hear that you are doing better and crying less, remember that time will heal “almost” anything. Good luck with the marriage retreat! I do believe in some miracles, please keep us updated with the outcome and know that what ever happens, it happens for a reason even if you can’t see it at the moment.

Naomi, You are so strong and thank you for sharing your epiphany. Looking back during the end of my marriage it was more about fear than love. It was the fear of the unknown and being alone that has allow me to let him dragged me for months. I am so glad that I see that now, it will help me so much in this recovery process.

I wonder if all of us will be in a much better place two or three years from now, that we could actually trust again and maybe find love again. I just don’t want us to be bitter for the rest of our life, we deserve to be happy after what we went through, no one should be that important where they could ruin the rest of our lives. I truly believe that if we do our homework in dealing with our anger, hurt, and fear that we would grow and be in a much better place than when we were married.

Happy new years ladies! I hope 2008 will be that much better than 2009. Lets try to keep in touch and help each other when we feel alone and stuck.

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Mike
January 18, 2009 at 10:41 am

My wife came home at 3 A.M. one morning from the bar about a week before Christmas 2008, said she was tired of it all and wanted a divorce. No real reason just tired of it all and all the “little things” imagine the turmoil she has created here. we have 2 daughters age 12 and 14 they and myself are devastated. We just started building a house last fall too. I had no idea she was even thinking about something like that. we have been married 15 years and I don’t even know who the hell she! is she has become extremely unreasonable, uncaring, she moved out boxing day, took most of her clothes,all of her makeup, the bed, and all the alcohol in the house. I have been left holding the bag so to speak, taking care of the kids, paying all the bills, buying the groceries. she hasn’t offered to help in any way in fact she has phoned and complained that she doesn’t have any money! She does have her own job and vehicle.I have tried everything to get her to open up and tell me what the hell happened. doesn’t even want to discuss anything with me. doesn’t love me anymore end of discussion. As much as i still love her and do want her back I could never trust her again, and I am Heartbroken. What is a guy supposed to do? I had to take a month off of work and go to counseling to try and wrap my head around all of this.Like Constance says.How can someone that we build a family, raised children and shared a life with just turn their back towards us so easily.

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Luann
January 26, 2009 at 10:05 am

Mike, I know what you are going through. How devastating. At least our 2 children are grown. My husband came home from a trip in July and just said he didn’t love me any more, he didn’t know why, we’ve been around this now for about 8 months. He moved out in November 08. But I am bound and determined to keep our marriage together. Don’t know if I can. But we are going to Retrouvaille. It’s a catholic-based program, but no religion is pushed on you or used. It does cost money, there is one going on in all areas at different times. I think it has really helped us, though I have to say we are still not back together, BUT, I think I see a difference in him. Problem is he went and signed a 13-month lease. I just hope soon he feels strong enough to want to come back home, and break the lease, or have someone else pick it up. We were married for 18 years, and I never saw it coming. He just said he doesn’t have the same feelings. As I told him, no one keeps the same feelings as from the first day. I do believe there is or was another woman in his life, but I think she lives out of state. I have no proof of anything, but I cannot get him to open up about it either. Until he does that, I don’t know that our marriage will survive, but I’m doing all I can to hold it together.

Sounds like you are doing everything you can do, and one of the best men and fathers around, to keep holding you and your kids together. You are doing good. I hope the counseling helps. Stay in touch with us.

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Luann
January 26, 2009 at 10:06 am

You can look up Retrouvaille.Org on the web for your area, dates, etc. and places.

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Constance
January 28, 2009 at 1:35 am

I read some articles online that things like this happen because ppl have midlife crisis. No one wakes up one day and changes. Humans act on motives. Unfortunately for a lot of us there’s always a 3rd party.

(Mike – you should find out whats the motive here, at least you will know what is going on.)

They get bored and they think grass is greener on the other side. Friends that mean well and want you to be happy will say do you really want someone who doesn’t love you back?and the obvious answer is always no. Logically it makes sense but we are so emotionally vested for years and our identities all wrapped up in the life that we have. We fear the unknown, the pain, the stress. We ask what did I do to deserve this? But this isn’t always the case at all. Most of the time its not us. We aren’t going to tell a woman whose being abused that it was her that caused it right?

Everyone reading this board. It took me a year of beating myself up for nothing to understand this and I have to constantly tell myself this. Its NOT my fault. I was not a bad spouse, no matter how I try I am only half the relationship. We must learn to love ourselves first and foremost or the pain will prolong and drag.

I can’t say I’m not heartbroken still and I haven’t even summon the courage to date again. I’m still picking up the pieces of my life. I’m not sure if I am ever willing to let anyone into my heart again in fear they will destroy me. Time isn’t moving fast enough for the wounds to heal. I can tell you one thing, when a person turns stone cold on you and tells you they don’t love you they have fully detached from you a long time ago. They no longer care for your well being, your feelings or emotions. They care only about theirs and will make sure they protect themselves first. So you sit here unaware of what happened, whats gone wrong, have the rug pulled under you.

So what do we do? We go therapy, we exist but not live, we read endless articles on divorce, break up, recovery and we read blogs. We might have to go on meds, we drink, we do anything to stop the pain but it doesn’t stop. It’s important to talk to ppl who will listen, not judge and be supportive. Talking to ppl that tell you to move on and deal with it isn’t going to help you. Keeping a journal helps. Anything little bit that helps just do it.

I don’t think for those of us whose been left behind we will ever understand how someone can leave their family behind because its not within us to do so. I do everything that helps me heal now because I don’t want to be stuck forever in the pits of mysery. Enough is enough.

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Luann
January 31, 2009 at 5:56 pm

Constance, good note. Everything you say is so true. I was very encouraged with our first Retrouvaille, but I am no longer feeling optimistic. I want to approach my husband (he lives separately now) and tell him that I believe that I now know what is going on with him, but I’m afraid if I push, nag, cry, etc, I’ll lose him completely. I don’t want to go into the details of what I have learned, or what I think it is. That’s the bad thing. If they don’t tell you, you start looking for anything that can convince us why they wanted out. I don’t want a divorce. So I suffer day in and day out. I can’t let go for some reason. I take anxiety medication. But my doctor is already trying to take me off of them, and I panic. I don’t know how to get through each day without my husband. I hurt so bad. It’s been almost a year now. We didn’t actuallys separate until Nov 08, when one day I told him if he wanted to move, just go ahead and move, and wow, he jumped right on it. He says he doesn’t know why he feels like he does, he says he understands my hurt. I keep telling him there is no way he understands the hurt I am going through — after 18 years of marriage. My mother keeps saying how could he just walk away from such a nice home that he worked so hard on,, etc. I keep telling her men (and women) just walk away every day. Some with children. Fortunately my children are grown (this was my second marriage). But every day and every night I hurt. As you say your friends tell you get over him, and move on. Or take care of yourself, etc. I can’t do it. I’ve tried. I cannot move on. I don’t want to date again. I’m 57. I retired at 55 because I was eligible, and my husband said we would travel and see things together. He used to always say how it would be sad to be alone, and yet — after 18 years, he did it. He just walked out. We still talk. We still see each other. But I can tell there is no love there for me at all. But yet, I keep fooling myself and hoping that he’ll change his mind and come back home. I always tell him the door is always open.

Lately, I’ve thought about taking my wedding band and ring back to him, and tell him to keep it, if he ever decides to come back and commit to our marriage to bring them back then. It’s so phony to go to social functions and places, like everything is just great. I’m really tired tonight, and probably shouldn’t even be writing this note, but I’m exhausted. I get tired of hearing myself complain. I can imagine what my friends think. I’m tired of myself, and letting him do this to me. But I’m terrified of losing him completely.

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Mike
February 2, 2009 at 11:49 am

First of all thank you for the kind words and support! It has been a terrible month here trying to keep things somewhat normal. I tried what i could to patch things up get counseling work our problems out to no avail. Finally had a somewhat civil conversation with her yesterday ( she has been cold and heartless for a long time) Apparently she stopped loving me a long time ago and has been thinking of and planning on leaving me for a few years now. I asked her why she never said anything, she said i should have known and asked her !?!
How do you fix something that you don’t know is broke? She says there is no chance of getting back together at all. Still hurts to think that all these years I have been trying to make a happy healthy family have been nothing but a lie. The fact that she shows no remorse and or emotion really baffles my mind. and the fact that i still have feelings for her is making all this more difficult. However I came away with a different point of view after our conversation, at least i know now that banging my head against the wall trying to repair our marriage is no longer an option. I guess all i can do now is move on and take care of myself and our daughters. Hopefully i can start eating and sleeping properly again.

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hurt but not done
February 2, 2009 at 7:39 pm

i read the articles and here is my out put as a man. relationship work is 2 sided like a coin. even a two headed coin has two sides two heads. what i mean by this is sometimes couples need to shut up and listen to there spouse (man or woman) because your missing the input from your other half. not only that both spouses should WANT TO DO IT!!! im married and god knows i love her, but my wife and i are at an uncomfortable stage right now because of bad comunication. we have always been true to each other never straying so trust is not an issue its more opposite wants and desires. my wife rather i help her in her quest but i have to figure out everything on my own for myself even if that mean neglecting it all together. then i asked her if she was still in lovewith me and she didnt want to reply and refused me the answer. this was a very hard blow to my heart but sometimes you have to be strong and allow the animosity to roll away

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Constance
February 3, 2009 at 2:13 pm

I feel your pain Luann and I understand your fears far too well. As the saying goes Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free. Men want what they can’t have. Unfortunately we have to play this stupid game of cat and mouse. By you saying the door is left open for WHENEVER he wants to come back is giving him a signal that it is ok for him to put you through this and when he is done with fooling around outside you are going to be home waiting for him like a good little puppy. Now I know when emotions are high your logic sinks low. I’m not saying be mean about it but he won’ respect you if you think he can get away with it. I’m telling you this from experience. Besides regardless of you saying that you might have already lost him because the day he walked out on you and your family he had been plotting it for a quite awhile.

And when a person wants to leave they are not saying things to convince you why they are leaving and what you did wrong. They are justifying it to themselves so they don’t have to feel guilty about doing the wrong thing to you. It is the same way we try to convince ourselves with indulging in the simply pleasures of life. Oh I deserve that cookie, I worked hard this week, its just one cookie its no harm but you know the consequences of indulging in that 3000 calorie cookie. He isn’t trying to convince you, he is trying to convince himself that what he did was ok and right for him.

It isn’t for no reason that you can’t let go. He was a big part of your life for 18 years. You built a life together, he is family and a life together also means dreams, a future, hope, love. You are actually very normal. I’ve learnt to only communicate with those that I trust most who won’t judge or gossip about me. I learnt to use tools such as these blogs and use my journal, take yoga. I know they are not answers that will solve your problem right now but you have to save yourself somehow and its self medicating, it will lessen your pain. It has lessened mine. We are not alone and it will take alot of time but regardless of what happens in the future you still have yourself to care for or there will be no future. My future is just as unsure as yours and so are many women out there in our situation. Connect with them. Your friends that hadn’t experienced what you have experience will not understand it. Do not bother with them, its just going to make you feel worse.

The more you let him know the power he has over you isn’t going to make him feel bad and come back. You have been married once before this. Remember the time of how you got better. Every little bit helps.

He doesn’t understand why he feels this way or he doesn’t want to tell you the truth? Because if he is having an affair he’s not the one to be spending his life alone. Do you think he is having a midlife crisis? Ask him why does he want out? I don’t know is simply not good enough. No one does things w/o any motives. That is a human instinct. We don’t even eat or sleep w/o a motive. I am tired so I sleep, I am hungry so I eat. I need to survive so I work. People also don’t lie w/o a motive.

Seeking to understand why he did it isn’t a free ticket out of jail either. The point here is he did it. When and if he returns you will still suffer because you will always live in fear that he will do this again and you will never be able to trust him again. I wish that I had some divine power here to help everyone whose husbands or wives have strayed or caused them pain to return things to normal and everyone can be happy including myself. Unfortunately we live in the real world and all we can do now since it has happened is first and foremost to save ourselves and lessen the pain. Forget about being happy right now just strive for lessening the pain.

As I write these words here I am still in the same boat struggling to heal. I was told that for some of us it will take a very long time and some ppl never heal. I say if we are already dealing with so much pain we need to learn to love ourselves enough to at the very least lessen the pain. I know life feels over and you need constant reassurance that it isn’t. Your friends will say that to you over and over again but it won’t sink in until something positive happens and the only way thats going to happen is if you seek it and do something to lessen your pain.

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michael
February 4, 2009 at 1:27 pm

I’m just reading some of the conversation and I’m just here if anyone need a little advice and I’m even willing to share some of my life problems and also seek so advice myself.

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Luann
February 4, 2009 at 2:33 pm

Constance, you write really well. You should be a counselor. And you remembered everything I had said, which made me feel good. And you are so right, when I say the door is always open. It just gives him the option of treating me however he wants. I’m so tired and worn out and weak and hurt and depressed. I can’t seem to get on with my life, because I look at the pictures of us together for the past 18 years, and there was nothing but love and fun there. And to have it just end, is killing me. I have my first granddaughter due any day, and what do I think about? Yeap, him. I can’t concentrate or have any fun, or think about anything else but him. I know I need to go see a therapist or something, so I’ve thought about looking up under my insurance company and see which ones they might cover. But I sit (almost like when you first date) by the phone or the door just waiting, like a poor puppy begging to be fed. It’s funny, yes, I was married once before, and he cheated on me, but for some reason I did not hurt like this one. I think because my first husband had a temper, and it was not a real good relationship. This second one was perfect. I believed God brought him to me because of the circumstances how we met, etc., so I cannot seem to comprehend that it is over.

He is now getting ready to sign up for Direct TV, which as I know you have to sign a contract. He signed a lease at the apartment he is renting — I’m assuming that was the truth. So he gives no appearance of coming back. And yet — we are going to Retrouvaille — (don’t know if you all have heard about it), but we are going to the post-sessions every Saturday — it’s supposed to be for couples that want to get back together. I guess he is just going through the motions to make it appear he wants to get back together, but nothing shows me he does.

Thank you for your words, and everything you say is so true. I’m going to make an appt also with my doctor next week, and go talk with him, but I really need someone like a therapist to air all of this out.

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Darla
February 4, 2009 at 7:32 pm

Hi. I am a 33 yr old wife of 12yrs and mother of 6. ages 1yr-11.5 yrs. When my 7 yr old was 6mo old my husband dicided my best friend was appealling. they began to talk and actually tried to hook up. She is a wife and mother as well. my sister told me of the instance and my whole world crumbled. I still have issues trusting him and since that day he has begun to disrespect me, he gets verbally abusive,and a few times has been physical. He stays out all nite periodically drunk and says that i should be happy he wasnt at a bar.I have tried to talk to him, I have wrot him letters, gotten heartfelt cards and even thru his stuff outside 1/24/2009. he doesnt call when he is going to be late and he is just different to me. I ama big girl literally and when i ask him is it because of my weight he says i am crazy. On the average he sleeps on the recliner 4 out of 7 days of the week.I am so tired of feeling this constant pain where my heart is and I think that the stress of us is changing me. I rarely laugh and I am not tickalish anymore. I used to be so happyin my own skin, so bubbly and full of laughter,now I have to force a smile. Is this me. Is this my fault. I dont know what to do.

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Sarisa
February 6, 2009 at 3:23 am

I scare about to ge marry and later have to divorce .. it just so much hurt ..

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mimi
February 6, 2009 at 12:52 pm

I have been reading these posts because I am searching for some sort of clarity on my own situation. I am married for five years and have been with him for 9 years. We have three children together and I have 4 from previous marriage. My husband is 32 and I am 42. We have been through some major crisis together and it’s been really really tough. I have been through trauma and physical and emotional abuse in past relationships and he has been through divorce of his parents and was raised by a mentally ill mother. We are going through a rocky patch again because of financial difficulties and I have had to cut out my own business to allow him to be the main bread winner, his business makes more money than mine does. But I like to be independent and I am an entrepreneur just like him. So there are big shifts going on. Because of our pasts we both have major trust issues. Mine show as insecurities and fear and he keeps his well hidden but I always feel they are there. When we fight it sometimes gets very dirty.
He is a good father and a loyal and faithful husband and when we are not too tired or stressed or arguing the sex is very very good. He is the best thing that ever happened to me.
The funny thing is that I can go from hating him to loving him and back to hating him very quickly. The same thing happens to him.
When I am on the attack he retreats into a shell and goes as cold as ice. He tells me that he can’t stand me and doesn’t want to be around me. He tells me that a part of him doesn’t want to be in the relationship. I will feel the same way. He irritates me to the point that I go around making faces behind his back and putting my fingers up at him behind his back. I feel sometime like I hate him so much that it is unbearable. I get so angry that I want to scream and I often do. I am a very emotional person and I have huge fears around us splitting up or around him doing something so unforgivable that we won’t be able to stay together.
Then once I come out of attack mode and I start showing him that I am happy and that he is doing a great job he starts to feel like he loves me again. He shows it very passionately. There is no doubt that he does. I will also feel the same way but sometimes a little less so because I am so full of fear and lately I feel resentful that he is running a successful business and I am not. We are getting around this by my husband involving me in the business. I do advertising and design for him as well as some customer relations and general support.
I felt a rekindling of some very strong love feelings for him recently and it was brilliant. However because our rows get very heated it can be an emotional roller coaster.
He sometimes plays “the not available” game and knows he is upsetting me because I get hysterical when he won’t answer me if I ring him. He might go out and switch his phone off or lock himself in a room to get away from me. But it only makes me worse and I go crazy and start to panic. I think he does it to reassure himself that I still love him but he won’t admit that. If he could just say, I’m going for a walk or I need some time to calm down or something I would know that things had just got too heated but he withdraws without saying anything and I start to panic.

I think that my husband needs to see that I am happy, because he will feel like he is responsible. When I am sad he feels he is responsible and he feels like a failure. Like most men he doesn’t like feeling like a failure and he gets desperate and just feels like he wants out. When I am happy and smiling he feels like he is the greatest man alive and that brings feelings of love and warmth and contentment for him.
I think that often for men the woman who smiles most and loves him the most is the one they will want to be with no matter what. Why would a man want to be with a woman who is just a misery guts all the time? I know I feel like I don’t want to be with him if he is moaning and moping around.
I mean when we first started dating I was always happy to see him, smiling and I wasn’t giving out to him about everything he did and nagging him.
I have seen him going from hate to love with just me changing my approach and showing him the appreciation, love, and acceptance that he deserves. In the same way I can go from hating everything he does to feeling deeply in love with him again when I feel like he really knows and understands me.
Gosh if I took him seriously the first time he said he feels like he doesn’t love me anymore we would not be together now.
Sometimes I think that a man just want to hear the right words. He needs to hear that he is the king, that he is capable of making his woman happy and he will feel like the greatest. His love will return with gusto.
This could be harder to achieve if the man has already found another woman who does just that for him. But if you sit back and wait a year until the honey moon period is over, give him a call, laugh at his jokes and wise cracks, he will be eating out of your hand again. That’s if you still want him.
When we are with the same person for years we forget how important it is to laugh at their jokes, to smile when we see them and to love the things they do.
I am reading how lots of the wives on these posts were “good wives” does that mean that they cooked dinner every day and washed and ironed his shirts? Well that’s more like being a good mom.
A man wants someone who makes him feel like he is a success. Having dinner on the table and the house clean doesn’t make him feel like that. Having a smile on your face and joy in your heart makes him feel more successful than anything else.
My husband would much prefer me to order a take away and him iron his own shirts if it meant I was happy when he came home.
I meant to say also that my husband works from home so we see each other a lot. That makes it harder. Anyways thanks for reminding me about how to make my man happy and keep him that way. I’m off to get some sleep so that I will be refreshed when he comes home from his call-outs.

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Constance
February 10, 2009 at 3:03 am

To everyone on this blog, go see the new movie He’s just not that into you. I did, it will help. besides we are all in these mess and watching movies help heal the heart. esp Luann and Darla. Go watch the movie and see what the woman with the cheating husband does.

TO all the ladies on the blog dealing with their dipsh*t husbands cheating, disrespecting and abusive ways. Are we really going to roll over and stay down and dead? It’s OK to feel like poo and its normal to be angry and scared. Lets ask ourselves honestly now can it be fixed or are we too afraid of being alone, too afraid of the unknown and future and we are sure that our future will be way worse than it is now.

Luann – When you are madly inlove with someone you will always think they are the best and they are perfect. Only when the fog clears will you see him for who he is. We are not governed by our words but by our actions because we live in a society where most do not live by their words. Your relationship was not perfect, he was not perfect. In time you will see that. Do not give yourself reasons to not go see a therapist. I’ve gone through 5 already in a year but I’ve always felt better when I went. I totally neglected my own well being and what was that dipsh*t doing? Going on with his life and never once cared about my well being. If your husband was really that perfect he would love you like he should, keep his vows and not put you through this hell.

Your words are frantic and you are scared. My friends always tell me when I tell them life is over and I will never be happy again – How do you know? Can you read the future? Truth is we really do not know. My own doctor who was married for 25 years divorced 2 years ago. Her husband came home one day and said out of nowhere I do not want to be married anymore. I do not know the details or reasons but she gave me her therapist number and she said it took me 2 years and now she is happier than she ever thought possible. 25 years of marriage gone. It can happen to anyone of us again. It will make you bitter, untrusting, blaming yourself till you turn blue and scrambling with fear. We can not control the actions of others, remember that. We can only control our actions. Is is logical to continue to hurt ourselves after someone else has hurt as so much? Lets take some baby steps and actions for ourselves to show ourselves some love. Do you think your cheating husband is thinking of you or hurting himself? He is putting energy into getting his cable done for god sak!

Mike – I am glad that you have a clear understanding of your situation. Like I said no one just wakes up one day and walks away. If you are blaming yourself for not asking her please stop now because she has a mouth and she can TELL you what is on her mind and why she was unhappy. You are not a mind reader. I hope therapy is working for you and your priorities now are your children and your health. As you can see from this blog that most of us are women so I assure you that there are plenty of good faithful wonderful women out there. When you are good and ready do reflect upon the lessons you learnt from the failure of this marriage. Communication is key but always remember as well you are only half of a relationship. You can not be responsible for someone else’s actions. We are happy to know that you are taking the proper steps, might I add you are healing much faster than the rest of us here.

Darla – I can relate to your story. I am also only 33 yrs old. Your best friend is no friend at all for what she did. And if you are confining in her about your problems I highly suggest you stop and get new friends. If your husband is blaming you for his actions and you are buying that then you are being fooled. Cheaters always shift the blame because they don’t want to look bad. You made me do it because of how you are…does that even make sense to you?

When you ask is this my fault are you asking for pity or validation? Because you already know the answer to that question. You know you can not be responsible for someone’s actions. I’ve been down that road twice. Writing heartfelt letters, blaming myself, making excuses for him, sleeping in seperate rooms. I can only tell you its the beginning of the end. Especially if he is abusing you in any way shape or form. And to make it worse he knows you’re going to take it. He feeds on your fears and the more you step back and take it the more he will push the envelope. I know you are scared honey and you have 6 kids. Your logic tells you to leave this man but your heart and your fears tell you otherwise. You are kept prisoner in your heart and in your own home. Please know what you are feeling and going through you are not alone. In life we have to face a lot of adversity. My mother always said being human means to suffer but must we suffer in vain?

If you wish to shorten your suffering then you must take action. Regardless the story will play itself out and time will make a decision for you if you can not make a decision for yourself. Have you asked your husband to go counciling with you? Have you summon the courage to ask him if he still loves you or does he want a divorce? If you do not summon that courage because you fear it might trigger him or afraid to find out the answer you are merely delaying the process because if a man wants to leave you he WILL leave you, its only a matter of time.

I want everyone reading this blog to do what I do EVERYDAY. Say a mantra – I love myself enough to get better for my kids, for myself and my future no matter what happens to my marriage.

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Mike
February 15, 2009 at 1:12 am

Just a note to let you know I’m still around, still going to counseling and if all works out I will be back to work the beginning of march. Good thing i have a very good employer! i have been off with full pay since before Christmas. Our daughters are still here at home they can’t seem to spend more than 2 days with their mother before the start calling and asking to come home. Don’t know if I mentioned it but I read a book that my counselor recommended called “The emotionally abusive relationship” written by Beverly Engel. Wow! It really opened up my eyes to a lot of things. I was at first putting a lot of the blame on myself for this, but i now realize that it would never had worked without both of us trying! As for healing faster than anyone else I don’t know about that, I still feel so alone, and I am still having a hard time sleeping some nights. Thank god my daughters are old enough and wise enough to see the difference between right and wrong. Their courage and wisdom has helped us out immensely. We will get through this! And we will be happy again! Thank you all again for allowing me to speak my mind here!

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MJ
February 15, 2009 at 5:32 pm

CONSTANCE:

what did the wife with the cheating husband do in the movie? I haven’t seen it, but I would like to know.

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Constance
February 16, 2009 at 10:44 pm

If I tell you the movie then no one will want to go watch it and its worth watching for all of us going through this mess.

Mike you’re inspiring and holding up so well. Yeah there will be alot of sleepless nights for now and sometimes even nightmares but it will slowly get better and you’ll heal faster if you tell yourself you decide to heal. You never know what the future holds, thats what i constantly remind myself. I hope that its a better future than what I had lost.

I hope everyone made the best of this past weekend when it was Valentine’s day. I may be heartbroken and single still but I’m not dead so I went out to spend time with friends for dinner and a movie. Another thing that I’ve learnt was we always have to remember that love also comes from other forms. We so easily forget when we are going through a mess. The truth is many of us are fortunate to have friends and family around us to show us what love really is. That’s what I’ve been blessed with. I’d end the evening with dinner with a friend and he texts me in the end of the night always remember you are deeply love and I am. Maybe not from my unappreciative dipsh*t ex husband but I am loved by family and friends and so are all of you on the blog.

Whose got an spiring story to tell to add hope for us?

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MJ
February 17, 2009 at 2:39 pm

I guess I will have to stop by the movie theater..maybe Thursday and watch it!! I am so curious!

I wish an old poster..BOBBIE would post here again and let us know how she is doing…from her story…she was separated for 2-3 years then started moving on with her life and all of a sudden her husband pops back into her life and wants to get back together…

Well as far as an inspiring story..

I was married for a little over 3 years. It was nice at first..then my husband always starting doing things and going places without me. (YOU CAN READ MY STORY ON THIS BLOG) then it went downhill from there. I started to lose myself..I was always in the house, if I wasn’t working I was there. I would go to church and go to bookstores everyweek just to stay sane…but he didn’t like the fact that I was out there that other men would see me.

Well, I felt like I was doing something to lose his love for me, like I was always competing for his attention. So I did some things…made up half-truths thinking it will change him so he could be that family man. Well, things got worse, no matter what I did he was becoming the man I didn’t expect for him to be.

So in short, I was pregnant when I found out he cheated on me, our firstborn was also 2 at the time. I decided to move to be close to MY relatives. Oh I experienced so much heartache and sleepless nights. I’m glad my baby came out healthy! I was hospitalized for almost 2 months! Not once did he call…

Again, you can read my story it’s too long to retype. But after 7-8 mos I STARTED to move on…I went back to school and now am 3-4 classes away from starting nursing school to get my BSN. My kids and I are well taken care of they have all the basic necessities in life and my relatives are a big help. Meanwhile I have learned my husband has lost the house we lived in, his car, (has another one…but it’s a piece of junk), can’t even pay his phone bill on time and lives at his mother’s senior citizen apartment!!!!

And yes I did file that child support and it was ordered…a very sickening low amount for two kids. (less than $100) It seems like he’s living from paycheck to paycheck and right now the only way he’s been able to take hot baths is b/c his mom is not helping him BY helping him….she’s actually making it worse.

Buy anyhow, his relationship with OW has been on/off. He’s still lying to her, telling her we’re divorced but we’re not and she believes it.

All I can say is yes, I’ve been heartbroken, and yes sometimes it hurts like hell! But look, I was able to pick the pieces back up..by the Grace of God! Go back to school and provide for my children without his help.

I am doing well and in a couple of years envision myself owning a big house, 2 vehicles, and making a great life for me and my kids…with or without him. He doesn’t know what’s going on…and I’m not letting him know. Eventually he and his family will see my accomplishments and eat up their words.

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Constance
February 28, 2009 at 9:26 pm

Are any of the women here ever afraid to try again or feel that they’ve lost hope or too old to try again? Are your friends or relatives pressuring you to settle for less or consider men you don’t want to be with because you are “broken or too old and can’t be so damn picky?”

Anyone here having terrible nightmares and can’t seem to heal fast enough to move forward from the past? Someone pls share.

MJ- Did you see the movie? I read your story. I’m so sorry. You seem so strong, I don’t think I could live through that. I don’t have any kids but starting to fell too old to start a family and too afraid to put myself out there again. Your triumph is just amazing. Would you mind if I ask how old you are?

Its been a year for me and I’m still in a hell hole trying to climb out. The other areas of my life has all crumbled because I gave up my life to move to another state for him. I feel so stupid now. I find myself lacking in courage and wasting alot of energy being afraid.

I haven’t dated because I can’t get my emotions together nor can I feel I can trust a man ever again. Reading all these blogs also reminds me that most men just are scum and I do not think I can take another blow like this again. I do not know how ppl go through multiple divorces. In CA I already have 3 friends there were married 3 times. I don’t know how these women do it. They are so strong.

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cc
March 1, 2009 at 11:09 pm

My stbx dumped over the phone with his girlfriend on the line with us back on Halloween night last October.

I have been working very hard on my hatred and anger with this whole situation. I know i don’t want to be a angry and bitter person for the rest of life, there for I see a therapist, write, and grief through my divorce.

I do everything and anything that would help me through the betrayal and this divorce, because I want to come out of this divorce a better and wiser person, I want to learn from my mistakes so I will have better, healthier relationship in the future. Although the healing process is very slow, most of the time I do feel that i am making small progress.

But it only takes one email or common from my STBX to set me back ten steps in my recovery process. How am I suppose to work through my hatred and anger when he blames me for his affair?? I know I was depressed in my marriage and failed to pay attention to him our son and life in general. But blaming my depression for his conscious decision and action just fuels my anger and hatred towards him.

I know that he blames me in order to make him feel less guilty, but that doesn’t make me feel better or less angry! I am so sick of feeling bitter and angry, can time really ease such strong emotions?

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Constance
March 2, 2009 at 7:56 pm

cc – Your STBX wouldn’t be blaming you to make him feel less guilty or better if he actually cared for your emotions right? I do not know if those feelings will go away, they lesson in time. I can’t even say time will heal all wounds, I think it lessons the blow because you start to forget some of it but healing all of it. I don’t know about that.

I can relate to the anger and bitter feelings that never leave. Aside from therapy what else are you doing to help get through this? I’m only in my 30’s and already I have lost all hope to try again after what has happened. I have many male friends but because of what has happened I no loner trust men or believe in happy endings or even love. Not that I doubt it exist but I just don’t think I’ll ever be that lucky.

I had depression then too when I was married and was blamed for it. I was 3000 miles away from home from family and friends and then I lost my job. My marriage was falling apart with just me working on it while he went out to bars and drank and hung out with his friends who where ALL girls. Then I was blamed for everything including his affair and my depression.

You are angry and bitter not only because of the betrayal, It’s also because you love this person still and you can’t understand why this is happening to you. All my friends back in my hometown are all married or getting married. It seems as if everyone’s relationship works out but mine and that makes me question myself and feel like a failure.

My own recovery has been extremely slow as well. I wish that was a pill I can take to forget everything. Instead I have to slug it out. I cry much less now but I still lack courage to move beyond and accept my ill faith. Yet still the thought of spending the rest of my life alone sounds better than having to go through any of this again.

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MJ
March 4, 2009 at 4:04 am

Constance:

I got married a couple of months before I turned 23. I separated about 2 years ago and I will be 28 next month.

Yes…I am surprised at how strong I am. I didn’t know I had it in me. I am definitely not the same person I was 2 years ago and my husband will see that.

I haven’t seen the movie yet…but will once I find some free time. I know what you mean by being afraid of dating again. Truthfully, that is the last thing on my mind. I don’t want to date now and if we don’t work things out I probably won’t untl my kids are a little older.

I don’t know how people can be married more than 2x…to me it’s like more than 2x means something’s really wrong…..

Yeah, separation and divorce is emotionally draining. I think I’ve gotten past 85% of that part..I’m glad, too.

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Carol
March 4, 2009 at 2:48 pm

I’ve been divorced for 4 1/2 years and cannot get over the pain and losses it has caused me. We were married for 22 years when I learned of his affair and that he was more than 8 years into a 10 year plan to divorce me when our youngest turned 18. He walked out the door to live with the other woman and her 2 small children and never looked back. I was devastated for a very long time and went to 18 months of counseling because of it. He has never taken responsibilty for his actions or helped his family deal with the pain it caused.

Our friends chose not to have anything to do with him as long as he remained with the new girlfriend because they didn’t like her. They knew my family lived 2,000 miles away so they took care of me. He lost his friends and he agreed to pay me alimony then regretted his decision. He vowed to make me miserable for the rest of my life for what I was doing to him when, in fact, he caused his own problems. I endured 2 1/2 years of harassment and tried to prove it in court but his new attorney kept finding ways to keep it from going before the judge. The court system was lengthy and bleeding me dry financially. I knew I could prove what he was doing to me but I couldn’t put myself nor my children through anymore heartache so I gave up alimony and sold him our home so I could get my life back.

In the end, our friends got tired of hearing about or seeing what my ex-husband was doing to me so contact with them no longer exists. I also believe they got to the point where they just didn’t care anymore. My ex-husband’s siblings won’t have contact with me because they don’t want to be involved and by maintaining a relationship with me they feel they’re disrespecting their brother. Therefore, I no longer have contact with my 18 nieces and nephews. I’ve lost everything; my home, my extended family, and now my friends. My ex-husband and his girlfriend broke up so he has reconnected with our friends. I lived a life for 22 years and every single aspect of that life as I knew it is completely gone because of what he did to me.

My friends kept telling me “You just need to get over it”. I was over it but I couldn’t move on because my ex-husband wouldn’t let me. He used everything and everyone, including our children, as a tool to hurt me and I just cannot get past it. I’ve never had the opportunity to talk to him and don’t know what I would say if I did. I still wake up in the morning and wonder how I could have been married to someone for 22 years and one day he wakes up a different person and treats me like I’m not worth the spit in his mouth. I don’t grieve over the loss of my marriage. I grieve over the loss of everything else in my life that was meaningful to me.

I’ve been dating a wonderful man for about 2 years now so I have moved on somewhat with my life. But I still get emotional when I think about all people I lost. I know I was a good wife and I know I’m a good person. I just don’t know why everyone turned their backs on me. It’s as if I’m dead and I just do not know how to feel about it.

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MJ
March 10, 2009 at 1:28 am

Carol:

Please don’t do that to yourself…….stop feeling sorry for yourself!!! You’ve come this far….yes I believe time heals all wounds…but STOP looking back! Your xh made the mistake, he’s the one that made BAD choices. He will reap what he sowed…karma is no joke!

Stop thinking of the wouldves shouldves and couldves…

You are in control and you are a strong woman!!! Don’t let your xh control your life. You are letting him do so by acting the way you described in your post. Do you really think that relationship with the OW will last? Of course not!! It was built on deceit and lies and sooner or later one of them will end up cheating on each other.

How did you lose your home?????? Did you go through with the divorce and basically let him have whatever he wanted???? I hope not…………….

Anyhow, keep your head up. You are alive and living life. There are many people around the world who are in much worse circumstances.

My husband gave me 2 STDs when I was pregnant with our second child…THANK GOD it wasn’t anything serious enough to kill me or our baby. I got through it and so can you!

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cc
March 10, 2009 at 8:32 pm

Of course he doesn’t care for my emotions and of course I still love him, I wish I didn’t, that would make my life so much easier… I know that none of us would be here writing down our thoughts, pain and hurt if we didn’t love our ex husbands and wives. But as much as I love him, I also hate him with a passion, i would rather get eaten by a shark alive over and over again then being with him.

It makes me sad that after eight years of being together, creating a family together, he has not only cheated on me, lied to me and left me for another women, the least he could do is to own up to his responsibility in his affair rather then blaming me for it. Really, i think I am so stupid, I still like to think there is some part of him that actually still cares for my wellbeing because I am the mother of our child.

I am sorry to hear how hurt you are Constance, I know there is nothing others can say or do to help you get over this, but I know one thing and that is we don’t need to “get over” anything if we are not ready to. I have noticed that the only people that thinks we “should” or “could” get over the pain of our betrayal spouses is someone that has never been through it themselves. I know that anyone who has had to deal with the pain, confusion, anxiety and depression that comes with the cheating spouse would understand you just don’t get over it. To be honest, I think you are doing much better than the rest of us, you give great advices, helps me see some truth behind my stbx and my situation, and in some bizarre way when I visit this site, I feel much better knowing there are others out there that feel the same pain, anger and bitterness.

I sometimes feel maybe I am the one that has failed my marriage because i was the one that got depressed and just stopped. I know that is part of the reason why I get so angry when my ex blames me for his affair, because I blame myself as well. Although I know from my better judgment that no one causes another person to have an affair and that choice is solely the responsibility of those who choose to engage in them. But understanding and accepting is completely different. I understand a lot regarding why my marriage failed, why I was depressed in my marriage, but to accept it is just tough.

I feel grateful that I was only with for eight years, can’t imagine how much more terrible in would feel if he would have left me after 25yrs or even 15yrs later….The women and man on this site are all so brave and strong.

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Eb
March 11, 2009 at 12:10 pm

I really don’t know how to do. I really so upset. I got married 4 only 2years. but in these 2years, I go through alot. Last month, my husband had told me that in these 2 years he was having sex with different girls. I was really hurt. really really hurt. he asked me to forgive him and even come to the pastor pray for us. I had forgive him and give him chance again. But last week, I discover he is asking girls on the internet for date and also the love message in the phone…It’s really broke my heart! I m 23 year-old. My family never support me to marry but I just ran out from hse and got married, also have 2 kids 1 year n 2 years boys. I don’t know what to do. I need support. I got no family near, I m just alone.

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dc
March 13, 2009 at 10:13 am

wow..this is amazing! My husband and I dated for 10 years, decided to buy a house together last year, and got married in August. He wanted it to be a special wedding since we waited so long, and it was amazing! He felt it best to raise our children in separate homes, which is why we waited so long to move in together. They are now all teenagers. Three months after the wedding, he began acting distent. He now tells me he has fallen out of love with me. We barely talk, never touch or kiss hello or good-bye anymore…he says he would like to separate, but we cannot afford it with the heavy mortgage, and the economy the way it is…This slapped me in the face out of nowhere!! I tried talking, to no avail, he ignores me, doesn’t answer me, and says he simply does not love me. I tried ignoring him, and he is fine with this, but it is so hard to live in a home with someone I love but doesnt love me back…..

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- colleen
  July 8, 2009 at 1:27 am
  
  We have been married for 20 years, very seldom argue, have a happy family life (or so I thought) have been on overseas holidays, have 2 boys aged 17 and 13. My husband has a successful business, I work part time from home. My husband doesn’t drink or abuse me and is a good father and provider.
  Well, my husband told me 4 weeks ago that I am the perfect wife, mother, kind and generous BUT he loves me like a sister, feels disconnected from me and doesn’t want to spend the next 20 years feeling unhappy. WHAT!! I feel so gut wrenchingly betrayed. He says he has been unhappy for as long as he can remember. I cannot believe what I am hearing. I thought we were happy. We are the shining example to all our friends of a good marriage.
  Our sex life has never been great as he has never been highly sexed, so it has been the same old same old, I felt as long as we had the foundation, respect and happy family we were fine. I have never stopped him from doing what he wants, so I sit at home while he golfs or is away for business. I feel like a fool. I noticed his irritability over the past 6 months and repeatedly asked what the matter was, I did not get any answers, so I put it down to business stress. We are seeing a phsychologist who has put us both on medication for depression. The medication has helped my emotions in the sense that I dont cry all the time, I have this pit of fear 24/7 that wont go away. I am trying to hide this from my children. We are still together, acting normal but I feel the situation is out of my control as he simply doesn’t love me that way anymore. I know other men admire me, so why doesn’t he.
  After 23 years together I am afraid of being on my own both financially and emotionally, afraid of what this will do to my children. I am trying to get through each day hour by hour. I have thoughts about taking an overdose but I am scared to do this to my children.
  I have pulled out all the stops and having been loving (sex) and caring but it has made no difference. I sense so much tension in him and am now afraid to ask him how he is feeling as when I do I am told the same thing that he is feeling empty and disconnected which just brings me down even further.
  
  Reply
laura
March 13, 2009 at 11:42 pm

I am soo lost. On March 9 my husband and his friends were in my home and they all were calling me names, insulting me, ect. Well, I finally got sick of it and called the cops to have his friends removed. Up until this time my husband and I were ok, not great, but ok. Well with all that was going on I ended up having a tia(stroke). I was taken by rescue 2 the hospital. Got released and came home and they were still there. I hit the roof. Then the friends left and my husband started threatening me. Well he left and came back later w the cops to get some things. He accused me of hiding somethin of his and the cop had to leave. I couldn’t make my husband leave. Not 10 minutes later he got mad and toppeled an entertainment center on me. I called the cops-again. The next day he went to jail. But even thru all of this is miss him soo much and love him even more. I’ve been married to him for 10 years and with him for 11. My 1st husband beat the crap out of me and my husband now knew that, How do I live my life without him? How do I live my life with him? He left me in financial ruins took the vehicles and everything. The day after all this happened, I lost my job cause I had missed work that day cause I went to the hospital, I feel like ending my pain and anguish–permanently. I have cried an ocean of tears and am teetering on the edge of another stroke. I do have a protection order in place and am filing for divorce, But I often wonder if I did the right thing. I know in my head the right thing to do, but I am in soooo much pain I dont think that I’ll live thru it and I’m not real sure I want to live thru it, help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Constance
March 15, 2009 at 6:25 pm

Oh Laura – For those of us that regularly write here, we support each other to help go through the pain. My heart goes out to everyone on this blog but from all the stories you have read here you should know you aren’t alone.

From your posting it seems your relationship is extremely unhealthy, it turned really ugly and if you have to get cops involved its gotten to the point of extreme dysfunction. You already know this. The pain will start talking on its own and request you end it and whats that going to do? Do you have any kids? Do you have friends and family you can turn to? Do NOT turn to those that are insensitive and will only talk about you and how you can’t get over it or how crazy you are. Those ppl are NOT your friends, you must be very careful who you can confine in. If you can’t find anyone then talk to a therapist and you have us here. We that post on this blog will never dismiss your pain for we all understand it.

Your Husband has already begun this planning. Remember that things don’t just change in a day and men…once they decide they want out they will start plotting and planning their way out and pushing you out but making sure they protect themselves at all cost, financially and everything so you will be a fool if you let him win Laura. We all had suicidal thoughts on this blog because we can’t deal with our pain. Mine come and go but I also know that if I did that the ppl that really love me are those that hurt and I hold the hope that there just MIGHT be a better future for what I’ve lost. You seem to have a pattern of being with men that are abusive to you. Find a therapist to understand deeper rooted problems. Don’t mistaken I’m not saying there is something wrong with you but we all have deeply seeded patterns we are not aware of and once they are brought to light that is when we can break that pattern. Pls don’t do anything foolish to banish your pain. Write often, call up a friend that understands, find therapy and go for walks and read. Everything helps ease your pain and hang on for when the rough wave is over you will see a small glimpse of sunshine. Its gonna take a while so hang on. I couldn’t smile or laugh for a year nor did I look into a mirror. Even though my life is still a struggle and I’m hanging by the ropes I’m able to see that I’m deeply loved by those that really do love me, my family and friends and I can even smile and laugh and experience new things again. Remember we are creators and we must move towards the life we want.

EB_ Your husband is inconsiderate. Can you blame your family for not wanting you to marry him? Do you have any friends nearby that can help you? Did you not read MJ’s message on top and her story? Your first step is to get tested to make sure you didn’t catch anything. I know friends married to cheaters and they just keep doing it because they KNOW they can get away with it. The ugly truth is if he really loved you and wasn’t a selfish bastard he wouldn’t do this to you. How do I know this? Because just ask yourself would you do that to him? He has no regards for your safety, emotions or anything else. Actions speak louder than words. You know all of this. You first go get tested, get some therapy and find a support group, find your friends that live in that area and take alot of walks to get your endorfins up. You are still VERY young, don’t let your life go down the drain because of this. You still have 2 precious babies to care for. They are more important than some cheating husband. You will see that in time esp. if you talk to older women whose been through a divorce and remarried and raised children.

cc- Yes you’re right, that is why I don’t talk to ppl that don’t understand and are insensitive. I come here for support and I have perhaps one other friend to confine in. For the most part I just keep my mouth shut but we do know who our real friends are when we fall don’t we? Yes understanding and accepting are 2 different things. I really don’t know why we blame ourselves for someone else’s messups and feel like failures. I also love and hate him with passion for hurting me. What can I do about the feeling of fear? Do you have that cc? And reading the postings here only confirms my fears yet at the same time help me realize I’m not alone.

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Yara
March 24, 2009 at 9:54 am

My husband and i have been married for 2 years now and for the past five months he says he doesn’t love me anymore that he only has a love for me because i gave him his first child. I don’t want to lose him. I got married young to him at age 16 and 6months pregnant with my soon to be 2 daughter and i want to know if anyone can give me any advice on how to make him lil by lil start to love me again…my eyes are dried out from so much crying I’m always sick and never smile I don’t want my daughter to see me like this,but she loves her father so much i cant and dont want to leave i want to be with him for ever and have more kids….

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cc
March 24, 2009 at 10:45 pm

Yara,

I just want to let know that I know and understand exactly how you feel. My husband for eight years has also told me the same thing that he just doesn’t have “loving” feeling for me anymore. My heart was broken and my world shattered when I found out that my marriage might be over. I couldn’t eat or sleep for three month, and cried constantly through out each day. My husband eventually left me for another women, so, I must tell you that you can’t make someone fall in love with you and stay married or work on the marriage unless they truly want to. I agree with Constance that husbands and wives don’t just get up and leave one day, he has been feeling this way for awhile.

Do you have an job? and is he still leaving and supporting you and your daughter? Do you know if he is seeing another women? I know is hard to think and focus right now, but find an attorney to speak with, find out the divorce law in your state, I know most lawyers will offer a free first time consultation over the phone. I am not saying that your marriage will not work out, i just want you to be prepared incase he decide to leave. You can protect yourself and work on your marriage at the same time.

I hope I am not being too negative for you, I know at this very moment your life is about to change, and no matter what happens, weather your marriage works out or not, the crying, fear, insecurity and anxiety will eventually become more and more manageable. You will began to see your marriage for what it really is rather than what it should have been. You are so young and there is so much ahead of you, and believe me that you will come out of this a better and stronger human being.

Constance…I must tell you that I truly enjoy reading your response and advices for the people on this site, it seems that every time I read them I get a better understanding regarding my stbx and what my marriage was. Life is full of surprises, the good ones and the bad, and I must say that it is during the bad time in our life that we truly grow as a human being, I think we have all became the most broken but the strongest women we know at the same time.

What is your fear Constance? Just as you said before, it is our childhood experience that plays a big part on how we think, feel and act in our daily life now. When my stbx left me I had to deal with massive anxiety which was caused by insecurity. I know that in our inner self there isn’t a timeline, what ever we experienced as a child, the feelings, the emotions, the events will stay with us for the rest of our life even if we are not aware of these events or feelings. And is during the tough times that these feeling and emotion will be triggered and magnify. I think I recall you being afraid to trust again? I think that is complete normal after what you have been through, to a certain degree. Maybe is not that you are afraid to trust another man, but rather you are afraid to trust yourself on choosing a man that wouldn’t hurt you again. You know I thought my stbx was the last person that would cheat out of everyone I know, but people make mistakes sometimes, and to be honest, I think we learn from our mistakes and we can make better judgment in our future. I still like to think there are good people out there, my family and friends that has been tremendous to me, there are good man and women out there, every marriage had it’s up and downs, but there are monogamous marriage and relationships.

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kellig5
March 25, 2009 at 10:57 pm

im sorry to here that but u cant make someone love you and shouldnt have to! i got remarried about 5 years ago and waz a size 8 now im a 14. i gaided after i had my little one and had surgery my husband thinks im to fat to have sex with or even just sleep in the same bed so i no how you feel, i didnt no if maybe that waz the case with u cause some men are like that about gaining and being fat! get skinny and dump his ass!!! then he will be crying his eyes out over you!! hang in there it will get better

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MJ
March 26, 2009 at 12:14 am

cc:

go on with your life as if it doesn’t affect you. when you change, he will change. don’t mention anything about wanting to separate or divorce.

ok….after one year and 9 months…my husband has finally called and is wanting to be a family again!!!!!

SEE, THEY DO COME AROUND!!

Although I am VERY happy and have been waiting for this moment….I am taking extra precautions. I’m going to give him “the list” . And hopefully he will agree in being an “open book” .

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kimberly
March 26, 2009 at 3:29 am

I HAve been married for seven years my husband has a substance abuse problem and told me he doesn’t love me any more and doesn’t find me attractive anymore and i dont want to loose my marriage he says the only reason he is still here is cause he has no where to go . What should i do

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CC
April 4, 2009 at 1:45 am

We will be married 33 years in one week, together 36 years, my high school sweetheart, starting dating when I was 16. A month ago, he came home a bit early and said I am leaving, I asked for the doctor (He has terminal cancer) he says no, I am leaving you. I will see be seeing a lawyer. Well talk about a shock. He has maybe if lucky 5 years to live, I have two kids at home, grown, but the 25 yr old is emotionally a wreck, and we are worried he could hurt himself with this. So I convinced him to stay here until we get counseling to make sure my son could handle this, as my son is close to my husband and already has trouble dealing with his cancer. He was staying somewhere for a few days, and everyday after work, he doesn’t come home right away. I am sure its a woman, he wont admit it. But at a time like this, is when family I thought would mean more. We should lean on each other to get through tough times, not walk away. I love him and want to take care of him as his cancer progresses. I am disabled with a back problem, and I need him too. I just don’t get it. Is this his way to deal with knowing his life is being cut short? Do I let him enjoy his last years on this earth, because he claims he is stressed and we are just like roommates anymore. I am calling a psychologist next week, and I hope some sense can be made of all this and maybe they can help us work things out. My eldest son is angry at him for doing this as it was hard to deal with his cancer diagnosis. We will have negative feelings about him at this time in his life, rather then being there with him, enjoying what time is left.

I just wonder if this is common for cancer patients with a bad prognosis? I am so upset, everyday, I don’t know how to deal with this at all. Due to bad finances he isn’t going through with anything legally. He wants to live away from here, still pay for everything, take care of the house, but just be on his own. I am a wreck, and I just had to share this. Hoping for some insightful words from others.

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cc
April 4, 2009 at 1:14 pm

MJ,

Thanks for the advice. But like i have said before, I would rather get eaten by a shark over and over again than be with him again. We are already in our divorce process and to be honest, as sad as I am, I am also glad that it will be over soon.

I think you are just a nicer person than I am, I can’t imagine forgiving someone that has cheated, lied and left me for another women. I just don’t think is in me!

So, how does it feel? I bet it’s pretty nice that the table has finally turned right? I would love to know the feeling, so please share with us, are you making him beg? I think it’s smart of you to take things slowly, how can you truly trust a person again after the promise has been broken? Good luck with everything, and keep us updated on the progress.

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MJ
April 5, 2009 at 3:39 am

You bet I’m making his butt beg. I think what us spouses who have been left whether we do want to get back together or not just would like to hear the words…”I want to come back” “let’s be a family”, etc.

My husband has hit rock bottom. To the point where he is living at his mom’s senior citizen apt. and his older sister recently came to live with him, too. He doesn’t have a car AT ALL. He’s been acting pretty desperate and over the course of the week I have really had to re-evaluate my feelings. I am careful not to make any decisions based on emotions, but reason.

Yes, I am very nice. But I told my husband that I am not the same person that he left and that I grew up because took care of my responsibilities, our kids. I didn’t wait on child support…I found the strength in me and in my kids to give them a better life. I will receive my BS in nursing in a year and a half!!! He can’t take that away from me and I am not giving that up or throwing away what I have worked for these past two years.

When he expressed that he wanted to be a family again, I just laughed inside b/c I knew eventually he would be back….I just never knew when. He heard that me and our kids are doing GREAT-without him. I think when he cut off contact last year..it was probably th best thing he’s ever done for me. He actually did me a favor!!!

I really listen to what he has to say…and it really sounds like the same ‘ol same ‘ol. Always blaming others for his shortcomings instead of taking responsibility for himself and telling me what is wrong with the people he knows but I guess he’s clueless b/c there’s a lot wrong within him that he doesn’t acknowledge.

I really feel like I’ve outgrown him. He has been calling me about the kids and asking me when we’d be moving to another state…and get this, he wants his oldest son to live with us. His son is in his late ‘teens and hasn’t graduated from high school yet…I don’t even think he’s being proactive in obtaining his GED! Of course I wouldn’t want our son to just hang out in the streets…but I don’t feel right about it.

I feel like I would be supporting 2 extra children, really. And I don’t need that. I need a MAN. A man who can take care of his family. My husband can’t even take care of himself right now, so how in the world can he take care of us.

I am going to take things really slow. I’m mailing him my list of boundaries and will tell him that I’m not just going to let him in my life “just like that” unless he is SHOWING me he is serious about doing what’s on the list. Like:
1) marriage counseling
2) going to church and Bible study together
3) no talking to female friends on the phone

basically that’s just a part of it. He basically has to become an “open book” . I will take the kids where he lives to visit this August…and you bet I’m going to look HOT. Show his butt what he’s been missing and he knows I’m making it without him.

One thing is for sure, I am not taking him back until he SHOWS me over a period of time that he respects me.

My advice for those waiting, is to just continue to work on yourself. Prepare, prepare, prepare. Don’t wait for your wife or husband to come back in order to move on with other aspects of your life…TAKE CHARGE! You will become an amazing person in the process.

I love my husband, but right now I am torn b/c I don’t want to go back to the same old thing again……..

He will have to earn my trust again. That is why he’s gotta be an “open-book”

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Krystal
April 6, 2009 at 4:50 pm

First off me annd my hisband are military and he has been in Korea for year as of yesterday. Yesterday my husband called me from Korea and he told me he wanted out. That he wasnt in Love with me anymore and that he hasnt been. What started it all is I hadnt talked to him in a week which is longer then usual. We always talk every 2-3 days on the webcam or he would call. I hadnt heard from him so I called his First Sergeant. Well, he called me pissed yesterday, saying I got him in trouble and I aplogized annd told him he brought it on his self, he should of called me. Then he called back after that conversation nand he told me he was done.

I aske dhim what about rory? (our Daughter) and he said he would fight for her . I told him that wouldnt happen hes been gone for a year not even in her life. Hes not eve here, he gets home in 20 Days and hes doing this to me. He came home in november for 20days and everything was great, he said he loved me and we did everythign together. How can he just say all of this?

His mom said I should just think positive, that its not over yet and it wont end. But if he doesnt love me? I love him so much and I will fight for my marriage. But im scared and Ive bee by myself for a year and I dont know what to do.

What will I do the next time he calls, if he even does call. We just moved and when nhe flies in he will need someone to pick him up, but hes smart if this is what he wants he can get someone from teh base to pick him up.

WHat do you guys think? Maybe he is mad at me.

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- Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
  April 6, 2009 at 7:01 pm
  
  Dear Krystal:
  
  It seems that a face-to-face conversation is necessary, once your husband lands back in the USA.
  
  I trust you will both allow each other sufficient room to air your thoughts and views on your future.
  
  I hope you are able to relax, to think, to see, to plan, and to get yourself together before you meet him on his return.
  
  Write again,
  
  Rod Smith
  
  Reply
Ann
April 10, 2009 at 12:49 pm

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have a 5 year old son and a second one on the way. We barely ever have had fights in the past we always got a long. About 6 months ago he started going out a lot drinking and staying out late. He used to go out but not like this it became a routine.

I expressed my concern and he pushed it off as it was my hormones because I’m expecting. As time went on he made more excuses for example he felt like he lived in my world and he needed a world of his own. He made new friends but he didn’t want me to meet any of them because he finally had his own world.

He travels for work but it has always been a very scattered schedule but it started to get more consistant leaving and coming home on the same days. He also made excuses for not picking up his phone. My favorite was that he lost it…it never leaves his hands there is no way he would loose his phone.

I questioned him more and more and he got angry. I was worried about an affair and he of course made me out to be crazy. He just wanted to drink. He said I had no proof even after my friends told me he had been with someone at the bar and seemed to be more then just friends. It seemed to be a very comfortable relationship in their eyes.

Finally I found a t-shirt in the laundry that was not mine, he passed it off as he had no idea how that happened. I started finding receipts and he passed it off as me being crazy. This last trip he said he was going to clear his mind and when he got home he said that he was really sorry he had been doing some things he knew I wouldn’t be ok with but he wanted to work things out that he was still in love with me. I was happy but worried that he didn’t mean it. The very next day I looked in his suit case to find another t- shirt with a near by school logo on it. Which I knew exactly who the person was. He denied that the person had been with him…maybe he was set up. Yes, he was a women’s house but her boyfriend was there and there wasn’t anyone with him. Since he said that it was just bad timing he really wanted to work things out, I believed him and thought I’m going to try and work this out.

It’s only been about a week and it’s been really hard to process. I try to talk to him about my feelings and he just wants me to get over it like it didn’t happen. Things haven’t changed either…he’s texting more, he went out last weekend and on his birthday he said he wanted to nothing but what he wanted. He had cake with his son and I and left until 3am. Stating he was his cousin and no one else. I’ve noticed he is more withdrawn and I can’t tell if he’s just waiting to see if I leave him because I think he thinks this even though I keep telling him I just want to work this out, that’s it hard and it’s going to take me time.

He has been ignoring me and acts like I’m annoying him. I’m not sure what he really wants…I’m worried that’s he’s just waiting to leave me once the babies born, I told him not to that if he’s going to leave to just leave now. I’m so confused at this point I just don’t know what to do.

I want to stay for the children but I also don’t want to live an unhappy life becasue I don’t feel that’s healthy for children either. I want this to work and I’m willing to forgive him as long as he stops what he’s been doing. I feel like he’s destroying the marriage, I don’t think he tried to.

I also think at this point he has given up that things can’t go back to normal. I also feel though that he hasn’t given me enough time and that he hasn’t even given it a hard try to fix the problem.

What to do?

Reply
- Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
  April 10, 2009 at 1:18 pm
  
  Dear Ann:
  
  I’d suggest you make a very strong stand about what you want in your marriage. It seems you (for many understandable reasons) are at his beck and call and he gets to do and be whatever he wants.
  
  Use your voice. You are a powerful woman (a mother and you are pregnant!) and MUST, for your sake and your children’s sake, not sit back and watch things go from bad to worse.
  
  Write again. If you want to call I will make time to talk with you.
  
  Rod
  
  Reply
Tracie
April 12, 2009 at 8:06 pm

I have been married to my husband for 19 years. We have two wonderful kids. The past 8 years has been exceptionally rough. His mother was murdered. He turned to drugs. He left us for another woman. I took him back and he continued to struggle with drug addiction. During this time, I lost my mom and my dad within months of each other. My husband went to rehab and then finally to jail for two years for drugs.

I took him back during the times he was trying to kick the habit, after rehab, and then after jail. He came out of jail a new person and he spent the last one and a half years doing well. Then in the last 3 weeks, he just started acting strangely and just this Friday he left the children and me for a woman he works with. Told me he didn’t love me and that he tried and their was no passion. This came as a complete shock to me, as that he was doing so well. He didn’t even take anything with him. He had it all planned out that he would give me most of his paycheck and this older woman was ok with that and the kids, but he has never really stepped up and been the involved father with the kids.

He loves them but he just doesn’t seem to want the responsibility. Right now, through everything they have been through, and with my son graduating in the next month, they seem less shocked than I am and want nothing to do with him. So I sit here and write this wondering, why am I still crying for him. No one wants to be told they are not loved. I look at the past and any outsider will probably read this and say “why would you want someone like that ?” but 19 years is a long time and I feel like I am losing everything. My kids are the best, and I live for them, but I just can’t stop crying and wishing he was here. If I could make it work, I would try.

I’m torn between wanting him to be out of my life forever and wanting to pray for my marriage. Regardless, I have to let go right now, and file for divorce because he left us in a financial bind, and I am going to need child support for my children. I sit in total confusion, fear, and anger.

Reply
- Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
  April 12, 2009 at 8:28 pm
  
  Dear Tracie:
  
  I am so very sad to read all you have had to face. I’d suggest, that as tough as it is, you pick up your pieces and do what you need to do, not for your husband, not for your children, but for you. I know this sounds selfish but it is not. Everyone will be better off when you take good care of yourself.
  
  You have given your husband the best of your years and the best show of patience possible. He has unwisely chosen (apparently) to go away from the love you have offered for so many years. It is his loss.
  
  Write again. Pick up your feelings and your thinking and live as powerfully as you know how.
  
  This will be a tribute to you and to your children.
  
  Regards. Please let me now you got this.
  
  Rod
  
  Reply
Philla
April 22, 2009 at 7:40 pm

It was a great comfort to read all the stories shared on this site. I know truely now that I am not alone. I would have liked to see more follow ups as to whether or not any of you worked it out or if all of you are now alone.
My story is so much like many of yours that it is frightening. Do they teach this to some men somewhere along the line?
I have been with my husband for 17 years. We have two children, a boy of 15 and a girl of 12 1/2. We had a pretty good relationship. Sure we had our spats, but they were few and far between and always over silly things. We have had alot of medical with our kids (who are now healthy and strong) and my husband has had cancer on and off for 11 years. It came back last year, they coaght it again but he slowly slipped into a depression. I didnt realize how bad because he would never talk (even though I always asked). He always told me no when I mentioned therapy as he wanted to get through it alone. He didn’t want to be put on medication. He started to drink more and if I said I thought he was an alcoholic, he would get upset. I always tried to give him his freedom… fishing trips with the boys, hunting trips, poker nights…. we did trips together and with the kids. Things I though would give him happiness. He came back from a business trip end of February and came to me and said he was going to quit drinking. He was tired of how it made him feel. He wanted to start dieting, start working out. I supported him… Thats great news… I wanted him healthy! I had been trying to get him to go to the gym with us for months. He said he wanted to be a better husband, a better father, a better person. Anyways, all of these things in hind sight should have been triggers for me. A month passed, and I was living in my perfect little world. I went away for the weekend with the kids to visit my brother… and thats when it happened. I called him on his cell to wish him a how was your day, goodnight, and love you…. only he wasn’t home…. I could here he was in his truck. He told some lie that was so out of character, I questioned him more. Come to find out he had spent the day with a female co-worker whom I knew he had befriended- he was “working” with her at her office that day…… It scared me enough I came home the very next morning. He took time off work to come be with me to talk… thats when it was said… “I am not in love with you anymore”, “I love you, but I am not in love with you and I don’t like you very much”. WHAT? What is this… where did this come from…. He didn’t cry. Said he was empty inside, has no emotions, no feelings one way or the other, like he is hollow…. anyways, I checked our cell bill… and you can see where it started and over a 35 day relationship with this woman (who is also a mother and wife), they spent over 8 hours talking and 1,200 text and picture messages back and forth….Even while he was on vacation with me in Vegas for 4 days… if he wasn’t with me, he was with her. He would go to the gym in the morning, take a nap in the afternoon, go to the room early to rest… but thats not what he was doing and I didn’t question it. I mean why would I… he has always said he loves me, that he would nver leave me, that he was happy…. and these texts and calls doesn’t include any land lines or physical time. He met her on the February business trip. What a shock to me! It has been 3 1/2 weeks since he told me…. I went through the my fault.. should have tried harder, should have loved more, should have- should have… I still think I could have maybe tried harder. He says he doesn’t know what he wants…. he wants to take care of us… he wants to move out, he doesnt want to move out, I said I loved him enough to set him free, to go find his happiness… he says he doesnt know if he wants me to set him free. At first he tried by making love 2, 3, 4 times a day…. we decided thats not fair to either of us and for 3 nights he has slept on the couch. My son sleeps on the floor next to him because he is afraid. My daughter is sleeping with me because she is afraid. He leaves at 4 or 5 in the morning, comes home for dinner, then leaves again until around 9. I quit asking what he does… I care, but the worring kills me so I stopped. I want him here, but I wont force him to stay. I told him I am ready to listen when he is ready to talk. The sad thing is I have always had a great paying job… got laid off in Nov due to the economy. I need work so if and when he decides to go, I can support us. He said he won’t fight me for the kids. He will still be there like he is now. Yesterday, he quit making eye contact… I asked again that he seek theropy for him, and/or for us… he still refuses. I am seeing a councilor tomorrow and the kids will follow next week. I plan to keep moving on with my life, trying to be respectfull to him, give him his space (even though it is the hardest thing to do, I want to hold him until he wakes up and comes back to us), and hope for the best, plan for the worst. And I pray everyday I will be one of the lucky ones. I feel so strongly that if he would only seek help for his depression, there would be hope for us. Meanwhile I will live, and try to support him, and with a bit more time, If he doesn’t say or do something, I will make the move. I will try to make it a point to come back in a few weeks with a update. And after a few months so others who seek this online self help can see what actualy happens. Luck to me and to all of you!

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Philla
April 25, 2009 at 12:49 pm

Hello again. I just thought I would follow up my story as it moves and since I have seen the councilor. The councilor agreed that stepping back and letting him have his time is healthy for both of us and that spending time on me is the right move. In the three days since then and the first full week of being nonchalant I have had some sparks. For the most part, he has been gone all week and sleeping on the couch at night. Talking only of work, kids, & friends… leaving the us alone. I have not called, texted, e-mailed… nothing. He has finally taken a small step in calling me to check up on me. I have ignored a few calls and answered a few and kept them short and sweet. He then choose to spend some time home with me on Friday. He opened up a little and talked to me about us some. This of course after I mentioned that I thought it might be healthy for us if he moved out and I told him I was working on me and learning to let him go…. he cried! I couldnt beleive it. First time in the month since he told me he “Loves me, but isn’t in love with me”. He said he’s not ready for me to let go. He doesn’t know if he wants to let go. He asked that I give him some more time to think. He doesn’t want to move out… he isn’t ready for that either. I kept my cool, didn’t cry back, just told him its not what I want either, but until he knows….. he again asked for more time. He again restated he “Loves me, but he isn’t on love with me” any longer. But he’s here, he doesn’t know if he wants us to work out, but he isn’t ready to give it up yet either. He also mentioned that he does “think” about me most of the day. I again asked him to think about counciling for him and he said he would “think about it”. He also took the inititive to come to me and give me a little squeeze. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but its does give me a little hope that there is enough “love” in him that with me being supportive and patient, and working on me, I might get him to fall back “in love” with me. We had friends over for dinner, and he was cheerful, smiling, and happy. I enjoyed him company and I think he felt the same. I hope anyway. After they left, I gave him his blanket and pillow, wished him sweet dreams, and went off to bed. I see my therapist again next Wed. I will share this with her and see what her interpritation is. See you all next week.

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polk
April 29, 2009 at 7:48 am

i cheated on my husband twice over 9yrs ago he knew about it back then .my husband was my first boyfriend first to have sex with, at that time when i cheated i want to try something new at that time big mistake, he stay with me we work it out everything was fine. about a month ago he told me he is not in love with me and want a divorce, i ask him why he said he has been feeling like this for a while he waited 9yrs after i cheated to tell me this, we have been married for 15 years, we have two kids 14yr old and 9yr old. the twist about this he wants to be friends and live together sleep in the same bed have sex, he wants to stay for the kids, but also live the single life go to the club hang with his single friends he put his friends feelings before mind i am so confuse right now.

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Philla
May 14, 2009 at 10:55 pm

Well, it has been a short while since I last visited. I am trying to keep this post active through my story so that maybe it can help others who want to see something all the way from start to finish. No matter the ending. That has been my frustration with reading some of these posts… how does it end? It has now been a total of 7 weeks since I received the “I love you but not in love with you: speech. He has since admitted he checked out months ago. Since then, I have gone from desperate, scared, sad, angry, I think just about every emotion. Now I am just “here”. I still love my husband and hope we will work through this, and so far, he is showing signs, but I have tried to focus my energy on me. I have lost 22lbs… decided I need to eat, be here for my kids, got a job, starting seeing a councilor. I have good days and bad, but there are slowly more good days. I try to stay positive around my family, put on a smile for our friends, and just love my husband with what he will take. I give him his “space” he so desperately needs. I do not call when he is away, or text… don’t get me wrong- I think about him 24/7, and the pit in my stomach is slowly receding. Sometimes I like the no talk, sometimes I don’t. But since I started being there for me first, and loving him all the same, being positive, and I NEVER cry in front of him… he has started to call me. He has started to want to know what I do all day. We have even had a couple of “date nights with friends”. Its easier for us with others around. Don’t get me wrong, we are also trying to spend time together and re-acquaint with each other, but they are little bits of time that keep growing. At first it was an hour, now we can make it most the day before he needs a time out. We don’t yell and he has finally started to open up on his own and talk to me. He doesn’t say “I love you” to me anymore, but he tells me he is hurting inside and as he battles his demons, he will share again… its still there he says. This “space” helps him. He has told me he isn’t leaving and he doesn’t want me to leave. Yesterday, he reached out and held my hand for a short period of time as he told me about his day and today before he left for another business trip, he wrote me a letter to comfort me and show how much he cares…. at least for what he can give me now. I think we are on the mend… we have along ways to go. A lot to keep talking through, and with time I think both our hurts will heal. I have to be patient and that is what I am finding to be my biggest enemy. I am lonely inside and hurt and still scared about many things…. but they have to stay there until our relationship has better footing, then we can work through that. But bottom line… for the first time in weeks. I have HOPE! I will try to come back again in another month or so and update anyone who might come along this story in their time of need. Whatever you do, get yourself help and try to channel your emotions. It seems to be working for me.

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paula
May 18, 2009 at 12:33 am

Hi my name is paula and i have been married 22 years and i really do want out of the married i am not cheating but we do not talk and when we do he yells at me because he has to work and i just not happy plus we sleep in differ rooms and it does seem as if we have grown apart he just stays home and plays with the kids we have 5 children together one 22, 20, 16, 7,5 he just dont want to work and me and the older kids have to work to take care of the family. we never talk. feel bad because our younger kids but I’m done with all the working to take care the family and wants a man to help and love me too. am i wrong for feeling like this? Help!

Paula

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Anonymous
May 24, 2009 at 7:33 pm

MJ – Was hoping to read an update from you. I read your postings for early April about your exhusband coming back. Hows that coming along?
I know thats what you wanted the whole time. I am glad that it did happen but at the same time it cautions me and I can’t help but wonder if its because he’s hit rock bottom. Do you know what I am saying? I hope he does changes and you can be happy.

cc- Hows the stbx situation coming along?

I have pretty much given up hope and trying to move forward. Whatever that looks like. I think..its pretty hopeless and out of my control. Each and everytime I think about what has happened I get extremely angry at him and many a times still..at myself and completely powerless. I don’t know when the nitemares will end. All these relationship problems and divorces makes me not want to try ever ever again.

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constance
May 24, 2009 at 7:38 pm

MJ- I’m coming back to this post to see if you have any updates. I read your posts for April. They do come back..yes some of them. very few. I know this is what you want and though I am happy for you I can’t help but caution because I do recall you writing that he has hit rock bottom. Do you know what I am saying?

CC- Hows the stbx situation coming along?

I’ve come to the conclusion that all of this relationship problems and divorces are just so overwhelming and scary for me. I am so sick of feeling powerless and waiting. ITs going to be 2 years in July. The nightmares are still here. I am just sick of everything. Sick of blaming myself and being angry at me and every time I think about what happened I still hate him. This feeling of love/hate has taken so much out of me. Maybe this whole marriage and love thing .for some of us we get lucky and for some of us…its just not meant to be.

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TLF
May 25, 2009 at 9:41 pm

I’ve been married for almost 2 years but my husband and I have been together for 5. He states that he is not in love with me anymore but, he states he is confused…he’s not sure if leaving me is the right answer or if finding someone else would be right for him…I’m giving 110% into making our relationship work and he says he is not “cheating” on me but when I ask if he is interested in someone he states he cannot answer the question…My husband says “he’s trying” but, I feel like I’m doing all the trying and he’s pushing away. I’m trying to give him “space” but, it’s very difficult…we hardly see one another as it is and I just want to know what is going to happen…

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Philla
May 31, 2009 at 9:29 pm

Hello again. Back for another update. Well, last weekend, the truth came out about the other woman. He came right out and told me. I am totally devestated. He is begging me to forgive him. He wants a second chance. After all this soul searching I had been doing for the past 2 months in trying to figure out what I did, how to be a better person, and was finally just starting to give up and let him go. Now I have to decide what I want. The shoe is now on the other foot. I want so much for my marriage, but how do I ever trust him again? We are going to start counciling and see what happens. He has moved back into our home, it doing all the things he did before and is working on being a better father. He has (so he says) totally stopped everything with the other woman. Her husband just found out as well (only he thinks it was an emotional affair and when in truth it was both emotional and sexual). I have asked my husband, and he has gone to be tested for STD’s. He is now open to counciling. I am so scared to try to trust again. He always tells me where he is now, he will even have friends vouch for him (even though they don’t know all of what happened). He has been the most loving and caring person this past week. Time will tell. I am hoping I have the patience and heart to wait long enough to see if time will help this. Good luck to all of you.

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cc
June 6, 2009 at 7:51 pm

Constance,
Nice to hear from you again. I miss all the women that use to come on this site, I wonder how everyone is doing? You, MJ, and Luann, I wonder if everyone is feeling better than before? or worse?
My therapist and friends are encouraging me to go on dates with men, I laugh every time this topic comes up. It’s sad but true, I am dead inside, I am pretty sure I have become someone that is emotionally and physically unavailable. I honestly don’t think I could trust in another man again, or i should say I don’t think I could handle being “dumped” again.
I am going to court at the end of June for custody, I am dreading the process but hope for the best!
Sorry to hear that you are still struggling with your divorce, i think is normal don’t you? Can’t imagine getting over a divorce in less than two years no matter how hard we work at it….divorce is the death of our hopes and dreams, take your time, be honest and in touch with your feelings. When the time is right, you will let go.
Please take care and keep me updated on how you are doing.

Reply
- constance
  June 18, 2009 at 11:21 am
  
  Hi CC
  
  I also wonder what happened with everyone else on the forum. It would be good if they gave updates. Maybe things worked out for them? I don’t know. I wonder myself. I hope they write.
  
  Your therapist is right cc, you should go on a dates. It doesn’t mean you have to a relationship with them or trust them. It just is exactly what it is. A date. Having a casual date will help you move forward regardless of what happened. Sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zones and reach out to the other side. Nothing has to happen, its just meeting new friends, see it as that. If you don’t have expectations of anything you will not have disappointments.
  
  It is so normal for us to be unavailable and accepting and that is the space we are at and its ok. It really is. You don’t have to see dating = relationship = pain. This is how we are processing everything. Do something nice for yourself cc. Because you deserve it. Take up yoga or jogging. Have your friends and family close and when you feel down call up a friend or write to a penpal you can trust, just let it out on ppr really helps.
  
  I saw another perspective when I came across an article on a woman who recently got divorced. She said I would never let a man bring me down and ruin my life. And we must keep that perspective in mind as well. Just because this person gave up on us doesn’t mean we have to give up on ourselves and our dreams and hopes. They aren’t thinking about us nor do they care. So why should we?
  
  I have gone on several casual dates this year. I never intended them to go further than what they were because not only am I unavailable I am also extremely picky. I rather stay alone than settle for less than what I want because that will only make me very unhappy. I went on those dates to boost my own self esteem, it serves as a reminder that I am still wanted and desired. Aalthough it feels like the end of the world alot for a long time, its just the story I tell myself in my head.
  
  We base our actions on our emotions which was based on our experience which may nor may not even be true. Just because this person didn’t love us or has betrayed us doesn’t mean everyone else will or we are unlovable or bad ppl. If you look at the big scope of things, lots of women have walked in our shoes and many of them pushed forward to get what they wanted. No one is immuned, even the most beautiful women in the world. Look at Halle Berry, she just had a baby at 42 and she’s been divorced twice but she is a fighter and she didn’t let it stop her for getting what she wanted in life. Don’t let him win CC, you must know you deserve to be happy and loved the way you want to be and just because this jerk didn’t give it to you doesn’t mean you let him rob you of your future, your hope and your happiness.
  
  I have decided that for myself, to break through my fears. None of us know what the future holds but your actions today will affect tomorrow, next year, next 5 years. So exercise your power today and decide to not let him win, to start taking steps to a better future and dreams. It doesn’t have to be a relationship, as long as you are taking steps to create happiness and a better future for yourself. You will know you are getting better when you are living your present moment and the times you find yourself smiling or laughing again..even for a moment you know you have begun to step out into the sun.
  
  I try to look for the lessons in my failed relationship, of what I must learn and not to repeat. Although theres a deep scar in my heart and I will never fully loe or trust a man again it doesn’t mean I will let my ex destroy my future. I see that now. Remember that you never know what the future holds. You never know who you will meet or what you will come across. All we have control over is our thoughts and our own actions. So we plan and take actions to make our own lives move towards what we want and keep adjusting to get the results we want.
  
  When you go into that court room that day, expect victory, to get what you want. Look amazing, look strong and confident. Not for him but for you because it will be your day and your victory and no one is gonna take that away from you. Look at this letter if you have to everyday as a reminder to yourself.
  
  I wish you luck and support.
  
  Reply
True but never blue
June 20, 2009 at 4:13 pm

The hell with them, don’t sit around and feel bad because a man don’t know he has a great woman, let him think the grass is greener in the other yard but when he get there he’s going to have to do the same thing that he was doing home…They can be so stupid but then we have to make them feel or look better, not no more for me if you are stupid then you wear that hat not me…..

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Brenna
June 20, 2009 at 7:33 pm

Firstly I must mention that I profound feeling of sadness took over when I read these messages. I feel for all of you. I had a father who cheated on my beautiful mother for many years. He married the 100th “affair” after telling my mom he no longer loved her. For 25 years after him leaving, she never dated again, and I know that although she never said a word .. she loved him all her life. I am married now for the 3rd time, met my husband 2 years ago, moved to another continent, gave up everything to be with him. My knight in shining armour has not told me that he doesn’t love me anymore, but he might as well have. The emotional abuse is terrible, the things that are said, remain in my heart like a knife. I try to forgive and forget. I am in a strange country, have no friends and nobody to turn to. Why do we take this? There is no answer. I see myself as a strong, independent woman, but lately have turned into a quivering, blubbering, “please don’t hurt me” idiot. My husband’s “lover” is alcohol and I know in my heart I cannot compete with her. Still here I am in new country, alone, still trying to hang on. I will visit here often, just to give support, even if just words encouragement.

Reply
- Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
  June 20, 2009 at 11:19 pm
  
  Your parents’ sad past is irrelevant. The knight you most need is the one living within you. In the stark reality of any day soon, summon you independent nature, take responsibility for your decisions and actions, and begin to plan our way out of victim-hood.
  
  I’ll be thinking of you,
  
  Rod
  
  Reply
MJ
July 25, 2009 at 2:34 am

@CONSTANCE

Hi sorry I haven’t been here for a while. Well, yeah the man has hit rock bottom. We’ve been apart for almost 2 years (when he called again) and during that time apart, I have gone back to school for nursing (2nd degree) and basically have been picking up the pieces when it comes to me and our 2 young children, ages 2 and 4. Keep in mind I just turned 28 a couple of months ago. Anyhow, he was really and probably still is doing REALLY bad financially. He heard from his mom (since we still keep in contact for the sake of the kids) that I am doing well…without him. And maybe that made him wonder or attracted me to him again…I don’t know. But it seems like from other stories I have heard that once the betrayed spouse really starts living and moving on (not necessarily to another relationship) is when the spouse who cheated all of a sudden pops back into the picture. Well, anyhow, we did talk a lot and it was nice to hear his voice and to be on a friendly level. But deep in my heart and in the depth of my guts, I KNEW he wasn’t serious. I so badly wanted to believe him, but I could tell by his actions (even though we are apart) that he was playing games (for whatever reason) and was not ready to be a husband or father to our children even though he said he is. Well, I found out some things like he still is friends with the other woman and of course is STILL messing around with other women. We got into a huge argument 2 months ago and he became really defensive when it came to some phone calls on his phone. Of course, it was the guilt he was experiencing…I didn’t know what it really was at the time. Well he threatened me with divorce so of course my emotions were off the charts. But after staying up all night and thinking about it, I told him that he doesn’t have to file, I will since it would be better for me to move on and wait on a REAL MAN. But I didn’t express it to him in a way which disrespected him. Basically I told him I wasn’t going to put up with his BS anymore and if he wanted to be with me and was serious, then he wouldn’t do the things he used to do…and he would show some effort. A couple of days after the argument I prayed to God and told God I wanted for His will to be done. I told him to remove my husband from my life if it’s not His will for my husband to be my husband. And if there is someone much better for me who is going in the same direction I’m going in. I asked God to give me my “Boaz” Well, a week passes and guess what, my husband filed for a divorce. I was thinking about filing myself but I had a deadline for myself in mind and he just filed sooner. Anyhow, he served me improperly and didn’t even call me to tell me or ask me what my address is. I hired an attorney there to handle business for me. Custody is not an issue because he doesn’t want the kids…he wants his freedom. Well he never responded to my attorney and my attorney told me she was surprised by that. I told her he’s just the type to do that…he doesn’t handle his business that way. He always starts stuff but for whatever reason lacks the discipline to finish the job. So basically it has been 2 months and nothing has happened with the case. We have an order by the judge to attend the transparenting seminar on how divorce can effect children and my hhusband, as the Plaintiff is required to attend the 4 hour $40 seminar. There is no fee waiver for that, so he has to come up with the money…being that he is not responsible with money and is still financially struggling, I want to tell him to ask one of his girlfriends to pay for it. (haha) But my attorney says thats why I have to find a similar class here so I can show the judge I have done my part and that I want to move on with the divorce. I was going to counter-claim but will hold that off for now. I’ll see if he’ll do anything by the end of August (as in taking the class). if he hasn’t by then, then I will have to try and file a counter-claim to get the ball rolling. told my attorney I wanted to be divorced and free before 2010 arrives. I start nursing school next year and I don’t need to wonder about him while I’m trying to complete the program. The reason why I want to really go through the divorce and get it over with before 2010 is because I have found out that my husband has fathered another child (maybe 2) after 1.5 years of marriage. We were married for 3 years before I left. The child, from what the former OW has told me (different from OW he messed with when I left) that her child was born several months AFTER our first child was born. WOW. I really wanted to shout, scream, and cry when I found out but I couldn’t. If there was one reason someone asked on what would it take for me to totally agree to a divorce and NOT want to be with him, I would tell them I would agree if I found out he got someone pregnant…and I NEVER thought it happened during the earlier part of our marriage. I can’t deal with that. That is the deal breaker for me. I will never look at him the same way. Basically, he disgusts me right now. If several years has passed and he decided to get his act together and was truly proving it and wanted to come back, I would tell him HELL to the NO. That there showed me he doesn’t care about anyone from himself and that he’ll probably never change. One thing is for sure, I am not going to enable his behavior anymore. told him I will never stand between him and the kids. He hasn’t called for them since May 28. And everytime my son calls him, he says he’s at work…he’s always workin, blah, blah, tells my son he will call him back but doesn’t. I don’t want my son and daughter to be disappointed over those kinds of things as they get older. I won’t talk bad about their dad, they will have to form their own opinions about him themselves. As I am looking back and remembering…I’m putting all the puzzle pieces together and see WHY he is not good for me or our kids right now. He has NOTHING to offer me. As far as our children goes, he doesn’t want to offer them anything…imagine, he even had the audacity to tell me to take them off child support since I am doing so well!!! Crazy. So basically, I am moving on and I’m not looking back. I don’t know if the child or children are biologically his…but I don’t care about that. Point is he’s been committing adultery for only he and God know how long during our marriage and I cannot live with him and think about who he’s with, what he’s doing, and if there are any diseases he has brought “home” I can’t do that. Then I realized I am not getting any younger and that things have been going so well without him, so basically, I am not losing anything. Yes, I am a little sad because I have given him the best of me, but I also love myself enough to let him go. He is not good for me or anyone else…I just pray for God to truly give him a wake up call. I am not looking for another man, for I know the timeframe in which God will send me my Boaz when it is the right time. I am just going to focus on myself and my kids and school. I know my soon to be ex will pop back in my life again. Someone told me I am prolonging my destiny by holding on to him and that really hit “home” I know God has great plans for me and the kids, and I know once my career starts rolling, he will try to come back. I’m not having it. He doesn’t know I know about the other child. I really think he has second thoughts on the divorce because he hasn’t attended the class yet and I found out he’d rather buy a subwoofer for his vehicle than try and attend the class. He just doesn’t know, I’m not looking back.

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MJ
July 29, 2009 at 12:32 am

@CONSTANCE

I hope you still visit here.

Don’t blame yourself for what happened or what you did or didn’t do. I am struggling with this, too. But In order to move on and try to complete the healing process,, you have to forgive him and yourself. I know it is easier said than done…believe me, I despise my soon to be husband’s butt right now. He acts like it is “all good” like he did nothing wrong. He called my attorney yesterday wanting to talk to her at a time that HE wanted and was not taking into consideration her schedule. She was turned off by it. Then I HAD to call his mother to ask about the medical history from his side of the family for the children’s school physical form. And she was giving me a hard time and really getting an attitude with me telling “what does that have to do with the kids going to school” and “what else do you want to know” That was something else. It’s going to be the last time I will call and that’s for sure. Now I know where he gets the way he carries himself from. From her. Believe me, I have been civil in every way that I could be, but it is hard when you are and then they are getting attitudes. I’m writing down my list for things to be included into my divorce decree and getting this child support reevaluated. I’m not out to get my STBXH, but he needs to learn that he can’t just play with people’s feelings. He needs a reality check and a dose of his own medicine. There’s nothing to take from him because he’s still broke, but I will make sure the kids will get everything they can. I’m so glad I have my attorney, I made a good choice and I’m glad I don’t have to stress over it. The best revenge I say is to live life to it’s fullest and show them, not tell, all the good things that’s been happening since we separated and divorced. I know in time, he will be back. When he gets tired of what he’s doing and he gets tired of his situation, he will try and come back. But when a woman is fed, she is fed up. There is no change of heart. And since I have learned about the other woman and child that was born just several months after our first child was born is enough for me to say HELL TO THE NO.

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Philla
July 29, 2009 at 2:37 pm

Well, it has been another 2 months since I last wrote. This journey of my life will probally be one of the hardest things in the world to survive. But survive I will!- with or with out him. Never thought I would get to a point where I could say that. Feels good.
The flip side to this is although I do not know for sure where my marraige is going, it is trying to survive and breathe. My husband is home, he is starting to connect with our kids and his friends again. As far as I know he has not been in contact or been near the other woman for almost 10 weeks. He doesn’t say he loves me (unless I say it first in which he will say he loves me too- but never offers it up, so I quit too!), but he asks to spend time with me, we do things with the kids, we are intimate again, and well, we are living like everything is “ok”. He has only been to counciling once, although I continue to go. I know the other woman is trying to save her marriage too, although her husband is not so keen on it. My husband and I treat eachother with respect, give good morning and good night kisses, wish eachother great days, and have some flirty touching again. He is always talking about the future…. our future as though we will stay together. We do not talk about our deep feelings, yet! My councilor said to let time “coast” as is for awhile so that we have more comfortable time with eachother and allow more time to pass from “the event”, then we can start intorducing “talks” back into our relationship. We do touch now and again about “that” time, but he has alot of shame and mad towards me. Says he was unhappy for awhile, just didn’t know how to tell me. We have talked about the affair and about the “whys” of before and now just need to re-establish the “what we wants” angain in life and marriage. Its like dating all over. I have a great fear to trust or want anything yet. So time seems to be our key. Wish me luck as I will all of you! I hope to update you again in a few months!

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Philla
September 17, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Hello again. Just wanted to check in and send out hope to all of you still fighting for your marriage. Whether you make it out as a couple or a single person, you will find peace again. My marriage is still recovering. Its now been 4 months since he admitted the affair and seven months since its inception. We can finally talk about everything without yelling or hurling comments. We are learning to show and tell eachother how we feel and what we need. We have discussed the “whys” of how it got here. We are working on those “whys” together. We both have fault for the failure in our marriage, but he takes responsibility for not communicating it to me properly and instead finding “this” as an out. We live each day with hope that by the end, it becomes easier. And it does. We are, in many ways, dating again. We spend almost all our “off” time doing something together, with the kids, or with our friends and family. We can enjoy these times and they bring some happiness. I still have great moments of memory and hurt, and probally will for a long time to come. I can’t wait for the day when I can remember without so much pain. I try to find hope. He is very considerate, thoughtful, honest (for what I know anyway). Still no contact with the other woman and he does not only what he needs, but trys to meet my needs as well. He tells me where he is at all times, he always trys to do things with his friends so I am not worried he is out alone, he calls several times a day, he always asks how I am and If I need something “emotional”, he trys very hard to meet that need. Even if it means learning something new for him. I do the same for him. I still do not feel the “love” like before, but I hope to find something good again with him. Time will tell. So keep putting one foot in front of the other and just take it a day at a time. Good luck to you.

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Luann
September 23, 2009 at 9:32 am

Saw a note from CC, mentioning my name. I have thought about sending you all an update — but I just haven’t.

I don’t even remember what I wrote about previously, other than wondering if there was another woman, etc. My husband moved out to his own apt. I noticed he was drinking more (as someone said above) and that he was interested in losing weight, and doing things that were out of character for him.

Unfortunately, it is still hard to type, write, etc., he was killed in an accident. That night we had gone out line-dancing (I was), he went and watched. We had a nice time together. I wish I could have done like one of the writers above, and just told him to get on with his life, and decide what he wanted, but I never dreamed there was someone else…. no, not my husband, who for 18 years said how much he loved me, he wanted no other, etc.

Anyway, so at this point I was trying to be cool. I thanked him for a nice evening (no kiss, no nothing), he said “goodbye or goodnight” (I can’t remember which), he said he had a nice time, he drove off, and I heard the crash from my house. They think a deer or something caught him off guard. I will never know what happened. Was he trying to call the other woman? I don’t know. His pickup flipped upside down, all the impact they said was to his head. I ran up the road, I knew it was him, they would not let me go near him. I never got to give him one last kiss. Yes, I am sitting here as I type this crying. I would give anything now to just have him living in another apt and deciding what he wanted, and leaving him alone. I believe that is the reason I am writing to each of you.

After he passed away, I had to go to his apt building to get his mail, etc. That’s when I found out. A note from his first wife. He was seeing his first wife again!!!! Yes, it is true. I knew he was seeing someone. Hired a PI, etc. But never could prove it. Now I look back and see it all, and I would give everything I have to try again, I would do like the one reader above, and not call him, email him, let him see me cry or nothing. That’s what all the information out there tells you to do, but I didn’t do that. I do believe now, he would have eventually came home if I had just left him alone.

I hurt every day, I cry almost every day. I cannot believe he is gone from my life. I have saved one cell phone call so I can have the sound of his voice. I never want to trust again. I never want a serious relationship again. I loved this man with every part of my being. He was my life. And now he is gone.

So for all of you out there that still have a chance, I would take it. Do what you have to do, but I do believe it is true, the more pushing, crying, begging, pleading you do, the more it turns them off. Then you get that “I’m not in Love With You” line. I got that last June. I knew he had gone on a “business” trip — but I knew deep-down there was someone, but I could never prove it, and he never ever admitted to it.

I miss him every day. I love him still, and will continue to do so.

I appreciate “CC” thinking about me, and wondering what was going on. I haven’t been back to the boards since. He was killed in April 2009 (Easter Day).

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MJ
September 26, 2009 at 1:54 am

Oh, Luann, I am so sorry about what happened…everything happens for a reason and in time God will reveal it to you. I hope you have family and friends you can turn to. This feeling of hopelessness is just temporary…gosh I am so sorry this happened. Sometimes when we stray away from God, God is merciful enough to give us warning signs. I just hate that this happened to you…and your husband. I just could think of what mine is doing…or what can happen. He filed for divorce again and this time I am completely leaving him alone. I don’t know if I still want him back…or want him period. I hope nothing bad happens to him, but I refuse to be a prisoner of always trying to guess his next move. I wish you peace…

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Constance
October 4, 2009 at 4:59 pm

MJ

I just got back to the boards and reading your posts and Luanne’s. I admire your strength immensely. Over the course of several months I’ve been healing I thought about alot of things. I realized that a big part of the reason why we are in the situation that we are in is because we didn’t see clearly who our partner’s character is. Who they REALLY are. I think that is the case with you and I. While you are still young I think it really is best to find someone else later on than that husband of yours who continues to add so much pain and drama to your life. A tiger doesn’t lose his stripes and men that stray won’t stop straying. If its in his heart his actions will evenually follow. I still cry now and then when I think about my past but I know…I can’t turn back anymore. My cousin said don’t look to replicate what you have lost, look for better. Even though its not easy as you get older. IF you think about it aside from the cheating is this man really gonna give you what you want and need in the long run? I don’t know if things happen for a reason, all I know is things happen and we are left to clean up the mess and the better you are prep for anything in life the better off you are when poop hits the fan.

Luanne..I’m so so sorry honey for your lost. I know you tried so desperately to save your marriage. You have to stop blaming yourself for the begging and pleading you had did even with all the advice out there, you were scared and only reacting to your emotions. It doesn’t come naturally not to do that when you’re about to lose something. I given myself that same speech. Shouldn’t have dont this, coulda done that. But do you really think you have all so much power over another when you barely had enough power to control yourself? Or that I will never love another speech. I think most of us here given ourselves that speech. I also felt my ex was my live and my life and I couldn’t live w/o him. But I’m still here. I’ve met new friends, connected with family and learned new things. I know its not what you want to hear but at some point you will be so sick of crying you are gonna ask yourself this. Do I want to save myself? That was the question I asked myself. Please take care. I will return to write when I get your message.

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Mike
November 19, 2009 at 4:04 pm

I haven’t posted anything on here since Jan/Feb but I thought i would stop by and update my situation. I am still here at home, so are my daughters, my ex wife is now living with a boyfriend (he was there all along). Her lawyer suggested we go see a counselor in order to help us deal with each other regarding the children, I have gone and so have the girls. But she refuses to go to the counselor. After talking to us the counselor who is actually a clinical psychologist is suggesting that she may be suffering from A ” borderline personality disorder” I googled it, and WOW sounds like what we have been through for the past few years alright!

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Constance
November 20, 2009 at 10:46 pm

Hi Mike

I do remember your story. How are you? I think your wife is ashamed of what she did and can’t face you or the girls. Deep inside she knew she was wrong.

It’s hard to say really if its what she is suffering for. There is a very famous confucious saying. It’s not seeing is believing but the other way around. Believing something and therefore you see it. If you believe she has this disorder you will find similarities of that disorder to your ex wife’s behavior. Perhaps another perspective Mike…accept that she has made that decision conciously without regards to you or the girls. Then you can see her for who she really is.

Stay well Mike and take care of yourself and the girls.

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cc
December 6, 2009 at 10:28 pm

Luanne,

I am so sorry for your lost and can not even imagine how much pain you are going through right now because I remember how much you love your husband, and was trying so hard to save your marriage. I am not sure what I can say to make you feel better, except that I am grateful that you have shared your story with us here.

I remember reading about a saying “just remember that 50 years from now, you would both be 6ft under…so, don’t hold on to your anger longer than it needs to be.” I use to refer back to that quot quiet often because i was furious with my ex for leaving me…..but I also understand that life is short and unexpected, so we must do what we need to do to move forward and heal. I like to believe that things happens for a reason in our life, it gives us character, make us strong, and help us understand who we are deep down.

Luann, we all have regrets in our life, like Constance have mentioned, you did what you needed to do at that time because you were scared. I use to regret not being able to leave my ex alone regarding his cheating, but we try so hard because we love them and we don’t want to loose them. Don’t blame yourself, because you love him and was fighting for him.

Again, thank you for sharing your story with us and letting us know how you are doing, I hope you have the support you need to get through this tragedy, and I hope with your story, I will learn to forgive my ex sooner.

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Philla
December 8, 2009 at 7:30 pm

Wow!! To think it has been 8 months since this nightmare started, 6 months since disclosure, and here we are. I have posted along the way (Apr, July, Sept) to share a journey to hell and back. Although I am not completely healed or trusting of him and probally won’t be for a long time yet, the healing and comfort I am finding in our relationship is nice. I want to give all of you hope that with some people, I think it is possible to move past an affair, love lost, and to find a new love – A greater respect for relationships and life. I can say, for the first time in months, that I beleive we will survive this. That is an amazing thing, because I never thought I would be able to say that. It has been SO much work for both of us. Good luck to all of you still making this journey!

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Di
January 25, 2010 at 11:23 pm

Hi, I haven’t been on this site in about two years. I posted my story about my break up with my husband in December 2008. It’s strange to read what I wrote and to be in the place I am now. My ex (who left me while I was 7 months pregnant) has decided that he wants to get back together now. It’s true, they sometimes do come back. But I’m wondering if this is even more painful or difficult than the first time he left. You see, I’ve moved on and am now in a relationship with a really great guy. I am currently going to school to get a teaching degree and my daughter and I are doing very well. Life seems to be very good except that now, he wants us to be a family again. I would be lying if I said that If a part of me didn’t consider it. I mean, I’m not the one that wanted our marriage to be over, he made the decision to end it for both of us. I just had to accept it. Lately we have been hanging out together, always with our daughter of course, just shopping or watching movies and I think that might have sent him the wrong signals from me. And I will admit that sometimes I fall into a “routine” with him because being around him is very familiar. But I don’t love him anymore. I told him that, and that I could never get back together after what he did two years ago. I also know he’s slept around while we’ve been separated. I told him I wanted to stay friends for our daughters sake, but nothing more than that. I don’t know that he can handle that and I don’t want to confuse him or get caught up in “familiar” feelings with him. I don’t know what to do or how to keep our relationship positive now. He’s very upset with me and for some reason I feel guilty!! I want to go on with my life and be happy and I have found someone to be happy with. It seems, though, that now that I am happy, he wants everything back.

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sheri gardner
February 13, 2010 at 10:17 pm

my husband would not have sex with me for two years. I finally obviously pressured him into it. I am on the pill and he put on a condom. I questioned him. he said he wanted to be careful? I am 48 in great shape and do not look my age. I have found evidence of cheating. he says I am menopausal and overreacting. he has even turned our mutual friends against me. he even has the next door neighbors spying on me. I am not the crazy one here. the cheating evidence is both visual and written.

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Constance
February 26, 2010 at 5:18 pm

Hi Everyone.

This message I’m writing is for Di. I just want to say if you make your bed you lay in it. That guy left you once while you were pregnant and put you thru so much pain. Why would you want someone like that? It will always be on your mind that he will do it again. If he is upset about you not wanting him back well then too bad. He should have thought about that in the first place before he abandoned mother and child. As I said, you have to lay in the bed you made. Karma is a b**tch. I say go on with your happy life with the new man in your life who has made you happy. Don’t turn back.

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Anonymous
March 16, 2010 at 11:47 pm

Hi, I posted a comment back in 2007 about my husband’s sudden change in personaltiy. He became very cold and distant. He was and is a workaholic, (gettin up at 4am and returning at 10pm. He is actually at work during these hours, so there is no affair. Anyway, i have hung in there for over three years now, and his behavior has only gotten worse. After some half hearted attempts, he remains cold and hostile. He smoked two packs of cigarettes a day and lives off diet coke and junk food. He has gained over 30 pounds. His own sons have given up on him. It is very clear that he does not care about me enought ot make any effort to improve our lives. Iam affraid to file for divorce, because i really nead the medical insurance plan that covers expensive medication that I am on. I feel very desperate and hopeless. He refuses to leave, saying that it is his house and he can live here if he wants to. When this all started he wanted to move out and seperate to see if it was better. He now refuses do to so, always siting a different reason. Sometimes it is becuase, it’s his house, sometimes because the kids need to go to college, etc. I am at my wits end and can’t stand feeling like a doormat. I just don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I traded in the problems I have now for new ones–like struggling to survive. I am a chronic pain sufferer and can not support myself. How can a loving, devoted, family man become such a monster so quickly and for so long?

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- MJ
  April 7, 2010 at 2:46 am
  
  anonymous…my estranged husband decided to be single again while I was pregnant with our 2nd child. He lied so many times, gave me 2 STDs WHILE I was pregnant with our 2nd child, cashed one of my last paychecks, told so many lies about me to his family, tried to get back with me only because he had hit rock bottom and needed a car…only to show his true colors, lies to the OW and is STILL friends with her. We are currently going through a divorce and I’m deciding whether I should really end it or not b/c he is the one who filed and it was almost a year ago. He refuses to pay child support and even told me to take him off of it. He never calls the kids and when they call, he says he will call back, but never does. And this is just the short version.
  
  Let me tell you, it’s been a while…but me and my kids made it. I am preparing for nursing school and my kids have everything they need. YOU CAN make it on your own. You say you’re afraid to file for a divorce b/c you need medical insurance. Well, if the going gets tough, you can get help from the welfare office. I’m not ashamed, I’ve never been on welfare in my life, nor has anyone in my family, but it helped. You don’t have to stay on it forever, just to help you get back on your feet. He can’t just cancel your health insurance like that.
  
  How long have you all been married? I hope you know it’s your house, too. Whether or not your name is on the contract or not! You must prepare to get yourself a lawyer and “get all of your ducks in a row”. If you cannot afford one, then a family law facilitator can help you at your local family court center. You said you’re a chronic pain sufferer, if the situation is seriously affecting your health, then you should separate at least. Honestly, I wouldn’t file for a divorce right away. Control your feelings and make sure whatever decision you make is based on your mind, not the rollercoaster of emotions in your heart.
  
  Have you guys ever tried going to counseling? I’m sure your local church can do it for free. Please don’t think that you have to depend on him for everything. You can definitely make it out on you’re own if you have to. Think of what’s more important, dealing with him right now or your health?
  
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Sara
May 13, 2010 at 11:44 pm

My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We both work full time, but he works Mon-Fri, and I work shift work 24-7, so our schedules rarly work out so we have time togeather. Last year, he became friends with a girl at work who was doing on the job training at his workplace. For a couple of months he was talking about her almost everyday. How nice and friendly she was, how much she liked the same things he did (mainly hiking) and pool and whatnot. Things that I enjoy as well, and things that we used to do togeather. After that he started making excuses to stay at work longer than before. Then he started taking these 4 or 5 hour hikes. He kept telling me that he was just going with a few male friends. Big surprise… A few weeks later, I found out that it was with her, and only her. When I would ask him about the relationship he would always say, “I would never cheat on you, but if you tell me not to see her anymore, I will stop”. I thought about this for a while, and realized that there was NO way I could answer that question. Either answer would have been wrong. Anyway, at the end of the summer, it was time for her to go back to university a couple of thousand miles away. I figured that I could once again be his best friend, and things would go back to normal. Now, its been a year since she first came. He looks at me out of the blue one night and asks me how I think things are going. I told him fine, but it he feels a bit distant sometimes. That’s when he tells me that he doesn’t love me anymore. He hasn’t since last year. He told me again that he didn’t cheat physically, but I did explain to him that even if he never even kissed her, by confiding his feelings only to her and not to me is a form of cheating. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like we are in a sinking ship, and I’m the only one tring to bail us out. He’s just waiting for it to sink. I asked him what he wants to do and he said he dosn’t know, but he wants to work on it. I can’t take the pain of this relationship any longer, but if there is anyway it can work, I want it to. Dispite it all, I still do dearly love him.

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- me
  October 3, 2010 at 11:51 am
  
  YES you can answer that question! Are you kidding me??! Tell him to stop for is IS cheating on you. He is emotionally cheating and that always leads to the physical. Grow a pair and say, ‘its her or me’.
  
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  - Sara
    May 30, 2011 at 9:54 pm
    
    You are right, I could have answered that question. I could have told him then but I loved him so much I was worried that he would actually leave me. So after one more emotional affar and another sexual one, I did “grow a pair” and left him. As scared as I am, I finally feel like I’m doing something for me for a change. It still hurts like crazy to think of how long this was going on since the one I wrote of earlier was not the first, but it was the first I let myself see.
Anonymous
May 16, 2010 at 5:34 pm

While we never were legally married, my ex and I have considered each other as husband and wife since 2002. We have 3 children together. He was deported on standard immigration protocol in 2007 just three days after I delivered our 3rd child. I supported him, paid his lawyers, and moved myself and the children to his country to be with him while we waited for the papers to go through. It was a 38 hour drive for me, and I did it all by myself in 2 days. No small feat with 3 children, one being a nursing newborn. I get there, and things just felt weird. Different. He was saying all the right things the whole period leading up to my big move, so I was completely blindsided when I got there and he said, “I’ve met someone.” The breath was knocked out of me, and it only went downhill from there. He apologized said it never was meant to be this way. I asked why he didn’t tell me before I made such a drastic move, uprooting myself and the children and he said he was afraid I wouldn’t come, and he desperately wanted to hold our baby. I stayed another agonizing 3 months and then gave up and moved home. He promised he would end things and come back to me. Six months later he did. He came home, and told me it was over with her and I was ready to forgive, not really forget, and try to move on. Here I sit now, 6 months pregnant with our fourth child and I was blindsided again. He left us and has gone back to her. He apologized and said he knows he’s a horrible man and that he tried to forget her but he couldn’t. I know I must be to blame at least partly for being so ignorant and turning the other way but he hid it so well. I knew things weren’t back to normal but I pretended all was well. Now I’m alone and scared and full of terrible feelings that I fear are affecting my pregnancy. The anger and rage inside of me is eating up at me and making me a bear to be around. Where do I go from here? As much as I can’t stand what he’s done I’d do anything to have him back. I know that is wrong but how can I fix this mindset? I don’t want to be alone. I want my family back together. The thought of going out in the world and meeting someone new seems impossible. I am almost 28 and will have 4 children, not to state the obvious, but that doesn’t strike me as being a good “candidate” in my age group. These thoughts and fears are eating me alive. And to top it off, I know he’s still going to continue to string me along. He had the nerve to say if it doesn’t work out with her he will come back to me. Nothing like a swift kick to the ego to do you in. He might as well have said “You are no longer my first choice, but if things fall through I’d like you to be my backup plan”. And what’s worse than that? Is that statement of his filled me with hope. How pathetic I must be? If anyone has a clue as to what I should do, please tell me. I’m sure it’s staring me right in the face, get counseling. I am not insured and wouldn’t even know where to start, and I’d feel intimidated I think by a shrink. I’m trying to “get to know myself” and all the other good things mentioned here…but still. Anyone from similar situations, how did it work out for you? How did you cope?

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- MJ
  May 24, 2010 at 4:48 am
  
  Hi,
  
  honestly, it is hard to say what you should do…because you guys have never been married. Believe me, it is more painful to go through something like this when you are married. In my opinion, he knows there isn’t a real binding commitment and contract, so he can leave and come back as he pleases. If he leaves, the only thing he is responsible for is child support. There’s no division of property, alimony, etc.
  
  This “ping-Pong” thing needs to cease. From your message, you seem to have been doing everything in the relationship. I don’t think he is worth even trying to get back. You said you have 4 children together…and it seems like he’s always off to never-never land again each time. If even children won’t make him stay, what do you think will? This man has no plans for any type of commitment anytime soon. He is only thinking of himself. If he is serious and was so serious about you and the kids, he would’ve done the man-thing and marry you. And after all this time…he still hasn’t.
  
  I think the best thing to do is leave him alone. He’s going to keep putting you through a lot of negative things and with 4 children, it’s time you should get yourself together for the sake of the kids. They are your priority right now, not waiting and wondering how to get him back.
  
  Reply
- MJ
  July 2, 2010 at 11:52 pm
  
  You shouldn’t cry over a man who won’t cry over you. He’s already made his decision and it was easy for him because you guys are NOT married. Yes, you have 4 children together, but it seems to be he is not the type to want a serious committment as in marriage..because even after having 3 kids, he still hasn’t made it “official”. He’s shown you his true colors and now it’s up to you to try and be a stronger person for yourself and your kids. As hard as it seems right now, you need to tak the focus off of him and getting back together and focus on your kids. File child support ASAP. Yeah, he might get mad but that’s a typical reaction. Why in the world would you want to go back with a man who even told you you are his backup plan! He doesn’t have ANY respect for you! I would really think about this and count up the costs…imagine if you guys get back and he keeps leaving you for another woman. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about him? You’re lucky you guys aren’t married. It would be easier to let go versus being married and trying to let go. I contracted 2 STDs by my soon to be ex husband and I was pregnant with our 2nd child at the time…do you really want to risk your health by staying with this man? The only person he cares about is himself.
  
  Reply
  - Contance
    July 11, 2010 at 2:27 pm
    
    MJ
    
    How is your situation going? Isn’t it funny how things are so clear and logical when you are standing on the other side of the fence? If a woman doesn’t stand up for herself and be strong and know when to have enough respect for herself to walk away from such abuse she will never create true happiness for herself. If some man doesn’t have the decency to care for his children and just leaves, can you really count on him to be there for you or your children for anything? These kinds of men are just here to take take take.
    
    It’s been 2 years since my divorce. I went through a year of hell my first year and my healing was very slow. Looking back it has been a very hard and painful journey but I’ve also become a much stronger person from it. I learnt to really be independent, take care of myself, be true to myself. I started over my life which is still in working progress and I’ve met many new friends along the way. I’ve had many new positive experiences along the way and I met a special someone else who treat me with respect and kindness. Who doesn’t have any red flags waving at me (which was something I always ignored.) and makes me a better person.
    
    I can’t say that I’m not jaded by my previous experiences but I am still hope to have a happy ending. Isn’t that what we all want in the end? Yet I am no longer willing to pay the price of my dignity or self respect for it. So no matter what happens in the future with any relationship moving forward I am a much stronger person and I’ve learnt to create my own happiness.
    
    Life isn’t meant to be easy. So if all of you are going through turmoil now, know that if you hang in there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is up to you to save yourself. Healing isn’t just one thing, its a process and for some it’s longer than others but you will get there.
    
    To the lady with 4 kids – I know dating with 4 kids is really hard but you’re also 28 not 58. You basically have 2 options right now. Continue to waste your life on a man who obviously doesn’t care about you or your kids and let him ruin the rest of your life and at 28 you have a lonnnggg way to go. Or pick up your dignity, gather up what’s left of your self respect and show him you don’t need him. Your kids should come first. Ask yourself do you want to be that girl that waits and waits for someone to take you back after what’s he done? You let him get away with murder he will continue to disrespect you. Always remember that power is given and never taken. So take your power back!
M
July 11, 2010 at 7:00 pm

An update on us…I’ve come a long way in a short few months. I’m still sad over what could have been, and the hurt is still there, but I really don’t have the time to dwell on it often. My kids and my job keep me crazy busy, but it’s been a great summer. I’ve managed to hold this household together on my own, am dealing with a super hectic work schedule, and dealing with the last month of a difficult pregnancy. But I’m doing it! And most of the time with a smile on my face. I’ve realized that it is over, and I’m ready to move on. My happiness will never ever depend on someone else ever again. I am making choices with MY best interest at heart for probably the first time in my life, and I LOVE it! I’m feeling very accomplished–and my best accomplishment of all? Cutting off communication with my ex. He can’t brainwash me if he can’t reach me 😀

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Anonymous
August 12, 2010 at 1:36 pm

i know how you are feeling as i am going through the same thing. My husband of 1 year relationship of 9 years says that he doesn’t want me and is selling the house from underneath me. I have nowhere to go and no friends. I am feeling so down that i just spend my days crying. I don’t want to be alone.

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mesmina
August 17, 2010 at 11:27 am

If your husband said to you that he doesn`t like you any more:it`s OK to cry ,because of hurt .
The best way to face the pain is to cry and Grief .It`s help to accept the lost.Then don`t stay at this
Statement.Don`t be martyr and victim. Stand up on your feet. But how?
Leave him in his business:
Attend an “”women’s group”according your interest.
Build up your self esteem .Avoid to feel guilt all the times Take care of your look.
Don`t expect any body else to do it for you.
Find out your inner beauty .PURSUE THE THINGS THAT make you different, special and unique.
Let it shine .Every body especially women have their “own flavors”.
Tell to your self that “”I am special and unique””
Even you are getting old this inner beauty last but appearance might be not.

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Contance
August 18, 2010 at 11:21 am

Yeah and when the fog clears up, the pain is less and you will emerge a much stronger person. I know none of that matters right now and you just want to save your relationship at any cost including your dignity and you’d sell your soul to do so if you had to. I know…we’ve all been there. And that is your pain talking. Logically none of this makes sense, if someone can hurt you this way and looking out to protect themselves WHYYY are you not looking out for yourself? You are gonna be out of house and home and you’re gonna just sit there and take it? Don’t let a man do this to you.

Since my divorce 2 years ago, after a year of sever depression and daily crying, I learnt to stand on my own 2 feet and grew stronger. Looking back it was a waste of time crying for a man who didn’t deserve my time and love. I now have a full life of my own. A new love who treats me with utmost respect, my own band, I play the guitar, I have a new career and new friends.

All of it took time to work on daily and time to see the light. Surround yourself with supportive loving ppl and write often on this blog if it makes you feel better. Listen to your logical side. IF someone can treat you badly, they don’t deserve your love, don’t let them claim whats not theirs. Learn to love yourself and take care of yourself FIRST!

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Philla
August 19, 2010 at 5:08 pm

Hello again! It has been a very long time since I stopped by to read all the stories that continue here and the stories of the new hearts every day being broken. I first found this site in March of 2009 and updated my story in April, May, July, Sept, & last time in Dec 2009.
I am happy to say that I have survived in so many ways and will always be changed in others.
First off, my husband and I are still together and he is still being a man who every day shows his regret for what happened and his love & hope for what is. This has been consistant since disclosure in May of last year. I am a much stronger, more patient, kind person. I am also very guarded with my heart and I will never have the full trust to give to another living soul again. I think I would be this way with any person I were to be with, so I am ok with that. This makes me sad because I used to wear my thoughts and feelings on my sleeve, now I do not. I will not give another human being the power to know when they hurt me ever again(even if it does). My husband is always seeking all the things I gave him before his affair… he wants the trust, me to have peace, me to forget, me to promise him my future, to be happy like I was before….. those things are mine to keep now and not his to have. I try to explain to him that we don’t know what tomorrow brings, that I will not give him a promise of forever. Just that I will give him each day and be the best person I can be. He accept’s the new me- the one he helped to mold through his actions. Its not about him all the time any more…. its about me 1st and us 2nd. I let me be bottom of his (and my) list too many years (17+). He says he is okay with this (even though he says he wishes it were different). He says that he has to live with ALL the consiquenses of his decisions and choices. I agree. He also says he is happy, that he loves me more now than he ever did, that he was an immature man- that it took almost loosing me to make him see what he had, what he wanted all along and just didn’t know it. That it took him hitting himself over the head with a brick to wake up. I am glad he did. We really do have a wonderful relationship again. We talk about everything… and I mean EVERYTHING. No secrets. We have date nights, and he makes dad time, and we have access to phone & e-mails, passwords… even at work. It helps so much.
Its a long hard journey… one I don’t think is over all the way yet only because I always wonder if I made a mistake in staying… in wanting us so much. Although he never gives me a reason to feel this way. He is loving, kind, patient… everything and more than I could ever want or find somewhere else. I think it just more time and healing in me. I wouldn’t change where we are though. My kids are doing wonderfully and our family is still here and strong.
Good luck to all of you!!

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Di
September 5, 2010 at 12:52 am

Philla, that is so wonderful to read… that you survived such an ordeal and that your family is together and happy. I wish all stories would end this way. I wish you the best of luck. As for me, I’m updating again after many long months of not being on this site. I just read Constance’s reply from many months ago… thank you. I sometimes doubt my decision not to go back to my ex. But you are right, I would always have doubt in the back of my mind about whether he’s cheating again. Knowing he is still out there dating girls (while he still pretends to want to get back together with me) doesn’t help. It definitely makes me more sure of my decision. I’m still in a committed relationship that’s been going strong for a year and a half now, with an amazing guy. I’m doing well and my daughter is doing well, and for now, I feel blessed. I am still saddened to see the number of stories on here and I hope for strength and peace for all of you.

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Erin
September 14, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Well, my story is a lot like most of the others on here. October, 10th will be 4 yrs. ago that my husband cheated on me. We worked through it, got back together in about 2 weeks. At the time we didn’t go to counseling. He was offered another job last November and was out of State for training for 5 months. We have 2 children 5 & 1, my son was born August 2009 and my husband left November 2009. He has been home since April and things so I thought had been great. I thought our time apart really made us realize how much we do love each other and need each other. Well, he went out of State again for a 2 week assignment came home and 2 days later told me he wanted a divorce and doesn’t love me anymore at all. He says his feelings are not what a husband should have for his wife. He is also pushing to get the paperwork for the divorce rolling ASAP. I went ahead and filed but want no part of this. My parents divorced when I was 9 and I know how horrible it is to be the kids of divorced parents. My parents even did a pretty good job at being civil to one another and working together but it still sucks. His parents have been married almost 40 yrs. so he has no idea what it’s like to come from a split home. I suggested counseling, we went to one session he opened up a lot but still says he wants a divorce and we haven’t gone to anymore counseling. He says he doesn’t want someone psychoanalizing him. I’m completley heartbroken and don’t want to get divorced I’m not even 30 yet. He is staying with a single coworker of his and sleeps on his couch, his closet is his truck. What kind of life is that? That’s really what he wants to live like that and throw away a 7 year marriage & walk away from 2 precious babies? I don’t get it and I don’t know what to do to save this!

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- me
  October 3, 2010 at 11:58 am
  
  Erin,
  
  What a creep! I have been through that and had two babies, I was divorce before I hit my mid 20’s! He sounds like he has the ‘grass is greener syndrome’. Ask him to come back one more time, if he says no, screw him! You will find another that is more loyal to you eventually, I did.
  
  Reply
Anonymous
October 1, 2010 at 11:34 am

Hi, my husband and I have been married for 14 yrs. We have 4 beautiful children and 1 on the way, due Christmas Day 2010. He within the last 6-7 mths has told me he no longer wants to be married,that hes unhappy, and that the way he feels IS NOT gonna change. No need for counceling! I see a change in his work ,dress atire(he works construction) Ive noticed his ‘trying to loose weight” and his cell phone and cell phone bill is off limits to me. He says this is because I crossed the line once before and got into his cell phone and called some of the #’s. I found out he had a secret bank account,and when I ask him about it was told its none of my business as long as the bills are being paid. I am 6and1/2 months pregnant and soooo depressed and lost. I feel like my whole wide world is crumbling down around me…Please, any feed back would be appreciated! FEELING LOST AND ALONE IN VA…

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- Anonymous
  October 3, 2010 at 11:45 am
  
  hes cheating on you sweetie dump him
  
  Reply
me
October 3, 2010 at 11:48 am

This is exactly why so many marriages fail. Our society is based on the ‘love’ factor which is a bull crap idea that it is an emotional state of mind. NO NO NO Please, all of my family members that are married 40 plus years can tell you its not a ‘lovey dovey’ feeling. That is a modern western idea. No love is a choice! Through the thick and thin, good and bad, period!

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Ashley
October 5, 2010 at 9:38 pm

Hi everyone-
It has been almost two years since my husband has left me and I came to this site-and I would like to offer some words of hope to everyone here.
I now have a beautiful baby boy that is my life. I used to regret my husband leaving me, and wondering how I was going to live, but somehow I did. I still woke up in the mornings, the sun didn’t stop rising even though I felt it would. I was afraid to go through my pregnancy alone, but I did it, and I am happier than I have ever been. I am free now, free of the lies, the pain, the rejection. He might have drug me through hell but he also gave me the best gift in the world, our son. Although he is not around and wishes not to see our son, I am still grateful for what has happened.
God made him leave our lives for a reason. And two years later, I am starting to see why. He was like the devil in disguise. He looked like love from the outside, but had venom ready to strike on the inside.
Just hang in there all of you, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel
🙂

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gris
October 7, 2010 at 9:37 am

My husband and I have been married 18 years he argues he was always faithful we were in high school when married and have children but we seperated and he met another woman he says he fell in love and she has dif kids from dif men she used to be fat she has surgery. She has a husband but going through problems. I have 5 kids but I look like I don’t have kids I work out. We have problems he says he can’t have sex due to diabetic but he gets arouced asleep it bothers me very much its almost a year we got back again. He does have sex with me but not make love anymore. I just think he thinks constantly in the other woman what can I do should I divorce? We get along good but only if I do whatever keeps him happy. He never has conversation and if I talk about what I feel he says there you go with the b.s. again and gets pist off.

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KAR
October 20, 2010 at 5:14 pm

So many stories. Here’s one more. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 6. Three years ago he got into geocaching. I never really got into myself and he called me his geo-tolerant wife. He and his geo buddies (guys and gals) often went to “events” together. In July, he and his buddies (1 guy, 1 gal) drove to GeoWoodstock, which kept him from home for one week. No biggie. I enjoy the time alone. We went on a week-long cruise in September. The following week back he took his geo buddies (1 couple, 1 gas) to the family cabin for the weekend. I began to notice some changes in him… wanting to loose weight, the kiss goodbye didn’t have the same feeling, he was more preoccupied with Facebook. Then on Wednesday Sept. 29 he went in for some outpatient surgery. We had a weekly lunch date with a mutual friend and if he got out of the surgery too late he would let me know and I would go alone, which was the case. He was also planning to go geocaching after lunch, which he did. By Friday, I got that feeling that something was wrong. I emailed him and asked if he went geocaching with HER. He said yes with a long explanation. I then asked if he was having an affair, emotional or otherwise. He said yes, emotional, not otherwise. He then asks me what I wanted to do next. I said I didn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. He responded that if I wasn’t willing to forgive him, go to counseling or talk it through, we should just start the paperwork. That was it until he got home.

Between the morning email and when he got home something changed. When we talked, calmly, I asked him three major questions. Do you want to be with me anymore…answer: no. Do you think counseling would help you want to be with me…answer: no, it would only help me understand why I feel this way. Do you still love me…answer: no, and it really hurts me to say that. After a lot of crying, he cleared out the guest room and moved his stuff in. I asked him how much time do I have… one month. Then I asked him for his ATM card and cut it up. I cut up my credit card that was “his” and I cut up his credit card that was “mine”. He even told his ex-wife that same night that we’re getting a divorce.

The next day he went to an “event”. I went to his parents house to tell them what had happended. I went to the bank and set up my own bank account and moved the savings that we had agreed to the night before. That night he came home at 7:00 pm and said that he made a mistake. I have since heard two stories of how he realized he made the mistake. I don’t think I’ll ever know the truth. Now he says he doesn’t want the divorce. But on the 12th he filed the divorce papers and have since “settled” the remaining funds. Our mutual friend served me today.

His actions don’t match his words. I said I would go to counseling with him and he said he would call a make the appointment, but when I asked about it, he said he made the appointment for himself.

I don’t understand how my “nice guy” husband can be so careless with my heart. One day he seems fine with the divorce and then he’ll get moody, but I don’t feel it’s because of him divorcing me but due to the inconvenience.

I still love him but his carelessness is unforgivable. Oh, his ex did the same to him (emotional affair) and he forgave her the first time, not the second. But she never said “I don’t love you anymore.”

I move out the end of the month.

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MJ
November 7, 2010 at 1:41 am

I’ve been through hell and back and back and back and now I finally have a peace of mind.

STOP CRYING, WHINING, QUESTIONING YOUR HUSBAND, and TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO. Seriously. You just need to tell him ONCE how you feel, but if you want the respect your deserve, you need to stand your ground. Keep it short. Why accept him back when things are going to be the same again..the same circus, the same roller coaster. Tell him how you feel ONE TIME and leave it at that. Stop calling him! All this needy behavior will drive him away. Once he sees that you’re not waiting on his phone calls or putting your life on hold, it may just wake him up. This is your time to do what’s best for you and your kids, not wait on him to live life! He may or may not come back and if he doesn’t, at least you didn’t waste your life by putting it on hold for him. Mine was cheating on me for the longest and I even found out there was a child born from one of his affairs. This all went down late 2007. I gave birth to our second child and he’s never even met or seen this child. Since that time, I’ve been working on a second degree and will soon go to nursing school and one day fulfill my dreams of becoming a Nurse Practitioner or CRNA. I stopped waiting for him when I realized how much worth I have and how I deserved a MAN! Yes, a man because he’s a little boy! Boyd run away from their responsibilities, men face them! Live has been SO MUCH BETTER since he’s been out of my life. And my kids are just fine. They don’t need to be around a man who will just plan to leave them again. You’ve only got ONE LIFE. Don’t pay attention to him, cut him off! Every time you talk to him and he is not serious, you’re fulfilling something emotional for him. If you want to work it out, he’s gotta want it too and I highly recommend marriage counseling.

Please..know your worth!

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- Contance
  November 27, 2010 at 6:05 pm
  
  Hi MJ
  
  Good to know that you are doing well and continue to support everyone here on this forum. I just wanted to add to your comment that I agree with your absolutely. You have to know your worth and value and stand up straight and proud. Love yourself MORE than any man because I can guarantee you that they do for sure. Love is a choice just like everything else.
  
  I’ve been over the pain and like the other women here that are in recovery stage. I am such a different person than I used to be. I am stronger, I am independent and I know no matter what happens to me in the future I will fight thru it.
  
  I have a new career, new friends, new life and even a new love. Someone who loves me and accepts me for who I am. But most importantly, I learnt to love MYSELF. I learn to respect myself and know that I deserved to be treated with respect. And MJ is right, you have 1 life, live it!
  
  Reply
Anonymous
November 26, 2010 at 2:17 pm

My husband and I have been married for 4yrs. Recently he told me he told me he loves me but isn’t in love with me. He is tired of the fighting (which no one fights like us) and never getting any better. He has tried and tried and tried and has nothing left. I was recently diagnosed with depression (and finally admitted it to myself that there was something wrong with me emotionally). I wanted to share this divine intervention with him, I was seeking therapy and was ready to really try and be a better person, wife and mother. Meaning I think it is time for us to start therapy. His response was it’s too late we were over. I just wanted to crawl inside my skin, here I finally was willing to admit that there was something wrong with me, which was probably what was causing all this arguing and me complaining and treating him like dirt and he won’t even give me the time of day. He even went so far as to tell me there was someone else just to get me off of the phone. I know he is hurting and I am trying to just let him get through this and talk when he gets home (he drives over the road). I can’t help but wonder if there is something else bothering him and he feels the best way to deal with it is to just give up on us. I am confused and I really want to just call him and tell him I am here if he needs but I don’t want to get to that harassing point either. Please pray for him that this darkness maybe lifted and he will see the good that is right in front of him. Thank you, I am open to any suggestions.

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Annoymous
November 26, 2010 at 2:19 pm

My husband and I have been married for 4yrs. Recently he told me he told me he loves me but isn’t in love with me. He is tired of the fighting (which no one fights like us) and never getting any better. He has tried and tried and tried and has nothing left. I was recently diagnosed with depression (and finally admitted it to myself that there was something wrong with me emotionally). I wanted to share this divine intervention with him, I was seeking therapy and was ready to really try and be a better person, wife and mother. Meaning I think it is time for us to start therapy. His response was it’s too late we were over. I just wanted to crawl inside my skin, here I finally was willing to admit that there was something wrong with me, which was probably what was causing all this arguing and me complaining and treating him like dirt and he won’t even give me the time of day. He even went so far as to tell me there was someone else just to get me off of the phone. I know he is hurting and I am trying to just let him get through this and talk when he gets home (he drives over the road). I can’t help but wonder if there is something else bothering him and he feels the best way to deal with it is to just give up on us. I am confused and I really want to just call him and tell him I am here if he needs but I don’t want to get to that harassing point either. Please pray for him that this darkness maybe lifted and he will see the good that is right in front of him. Thank you, I am open to any suggestions.

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- MJ
  November 28, 2010 at 10:16 pm
  
  Anonymous,
  
  Let him go and let him do what he wants. I really believe if you let a person go and they come back in the right time, you two are meant to be (right conditions, too). Stop talking about your situation with each other. He’s already told you so you don’t need to ask anymore questions…you’re giving him more reasons to think or suggest to himself why it should be over. You said you were recently diagnosed with depressions, you seriously need to think who is more important right now, you or him? The more you talk about it with him or make these little suggestions, the more he will pull apart from you. If there is one thing I choose to tell each woman over and over again, it would be to let him go! That doesn’t necessarily mean divorce. You just have to tell him ONE time how you feel, keep it short and simple, and in that ONE time give him his “map” back home. PLEASE, there is more to life than feeling like you can’t live without someone. That’s crazy. You can’t give someone your everything, keep a little for yourself. Like I have stated and some others…STOP CALLING. You need time for yourself to clear your head..then you will be able to think clearly and make the best decisions.
  
  Reply
dubes
February 25, 2011 at 9:14 pm

I’ve been married 18 yrs and just found out my husband has been lying for, well God knows how long, about going to work everyday. said he was doing nothing bad just hanging with others out of work. then found out he was collecting cash for jobs and not telling me or putting it into the family… says i need to trust him as he trusts me.. lol… ya right, now with 2 teenagers i asked myself what now?

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Abby
March 26, 2011 at 2:48 pm

My husband hasn’t come right out and said he doesn’ love me. But for the last 30 years we rarely talk,we don’t go out, he says I’m boring and unattractive. He stopped having sex with me 30 years ago, said it was not satisfying, to much work for so little. I feel like I’m just a thorn in his side. I’ve been miserable all these years to the point where most of my friends don’t know I’m married. I did ask him why he married me, he said he wanted to see what it was all about. And that he didn’t like it so he just ignores our marriage and me. We are like appartment dewellers I have the upstairs and he has the downstairs. He is not gay or into porn. I have the only computer and the only phone in the house, and they go where I go. He doesn’t go any where except the grocery store , doctors or maybe the home center. He choses to not have friends, I would bet he couldn’t tell me the last 3 presidents.

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Helen Clark
April 3, 2011 at 2:08 pm

I am sitting here just going crazy! I went to make a surprise visit to Maryland for grand-daughter’s 13th birthday. I left home on Wed.6:00 and returned Sat. at 2:30! When I pulled into the drive-way, my husband met me at my car door (me still in the car) telling me he was leaving. He told me that he has left me everything! I asked his if we could talk, he said that he was weak and tired! I walked into the house and he had taken everything! My bed, cat,(I still am sleeping on the floor) Before I left on that Wed. If he cared if I went, or would make him mad! In fact, he said (why don’t you stay a week! I told him, that I did not want to stay away from him and home that long!! I am sure he had all of this planned way ahead of time. He had to, he took my things, his thing, and our things. No wonder he was tired and weak. He had been working like the devil to get the people together, and u-haul! I am going crazy, and having such thoughts, that I don’t like! I still love him, and he had not called or got in touch with me. I have written him 2 letters, but, no reply!! I have always loved him, but, the trust and respect, I had none!! He always was so sweet to everyone but me. He would even roll his eyes when I said something to him. I asked him one day why he was so angry with me, but sweet to every one else. I am 67 and he is 65. I am sure and there is someone else he is interested in to be with. I have had red flags in our 12 years of married life. I am so hurt, angry, frustrated, so many different emotions, I am at the end of my rope. I had dreams of us growing old together and being happy. But, he I guess wants to go without ME! I am a classy lady, I don’t look my age, I am a very nice person and love kids and animals, and old people! He is very possessive,never wrong, I can’t do anything right. The only thing I can come up with, is that he wants and wanted me to put his name on the house that I have bought, he did not put anything on it so I felt like he was not entitled to have his name on it. He did have the money, but, he did not want to use it. I think, maybe he just got tired of hanging around hoping I would put his name on it! Do you think that he just married me for what he could get out of me I knew him 2 years before we married. Things were fine at first,then they changed. He had nothing good to say about me, even to my family and friends. He did not like my kids, my church, or my work. What else it there? He could talk for hours on end to everyone, but me!! How can I get over this and move on and quit thinking all day and night about this? I have dong to a lawyer to get my things back, and some of our things. He has filed for divorce! He is in a hurry to get it done and over. Even my lawyer says, he is sure in a hurry! His sisters says “he is a conman,liar,cheat, money hungry and woman crazy! One says he is a weasel, the other calls him a ___hole! How could I have been so stupid to fall for such and evil man??? I had been single for 14 years, after a 29 year marriage (he left me for another woman, older and fat and even ugly) What is wrong with me? How can I move on, my heart and dreams are gone. All I want to do is sleep so I won’t think!! I am taking medication for my nerves and Ambien to help me sleep! It seems nothing is working. Please, tell me how to let go, and go on with my so-called-life!!!! Thank you, I hope this to you! Helen

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Renee
May 3, 2011 at 11:40 pm

My husband and I have our 3 year anniversary this month. We have a 9 month old baby. Two weeks ago he decided to drop the bomb on our marriage and say that perhaps he doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to wake up in 20 years and be miserable, that kind of stuff. It was so sudden. We hardly ever fight and our baby is SO perfect and SO beautiful (seriously, he is the prettiest baby you’ve ever seen), and we were so happy these years. I don’t understand. And when we talk about it he goes farther with saying that perhaps he never really loved me and maybe he had these feelings before we even got married. What?!! I saved myself for him, GAVE myself to him, made SURE he was the one and we both agreed that we did not believe in divorce. This is too painful to even think about.. he is not even acting like he wants to save the marriage. I don’t understand. I’m terrified, this is not what I signed up for.

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- Rod Smith
  May 4, 2011 at 5:30 am
  
  Please look at today’s post. It is in answer to your letter.
  
  Rod Smith
  
  Reply
sandra
July 6, 2011 at 7:37 am

my husband of 7 years suddenly wanted a divorce, so i moved out, since the house was his when we met, but now he keeps inviting me over to watch movies and have sex, i go sometimes because i still love him but i don’t want to be used either, what do you think his intentions are? we have been separated for over a year now, divorce is not final yet..any input would be helpful, thanks

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- Rod Smith
  July 6, 2011 at 1:10 pm
  
  His intentions are clear: movies and sex – a relationship on his terms with no commitment. Sorry, Sandra, you are being used and he will continue to do so while you allow it.
  
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Philla
March 10, 2014 at 11:43 pm

I first posted here in April 2009. My husband had said he didn’t love me, months later admittance of an affair and months later I was ready to leave. Coming up on 5 years later, I can say with the right guidance, a strong soul, & a lot of work- marriages can survive. We are new people, stronger in love and more committed than ever. We find that when friends or family find themselves struggling- they ask us for guidance. Not every relationship is meant to be or will survive- but when you take the experience back into the same relationship or on to a new one, it can be a blessing. The biggest learn I can share- work on you, believe in you, love you. The best you is always attractive to others and the faith you will find in yourself can carry you through anything. Good luck on your journey and believe in YOU.

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